Parent of a pregnant minor

[Kindness]

As teenagers my brother and his girlfriend conceived a baby who was born when they were 17. Our parents had both died and we were atheist/agnostic. They lived together unmarried for a few years and split up at 21. There was a lot of pain on both sides and as a result my brother does not have a relationship with his son. However both my brother and his former girlfriend went on to get married and have more children. They both are in marriages that have lasted over 19 years up to this point. My nephew grew up, graduated high school with high grades and joined the Navy. He has now become a specialist and had a number of promotions. He has a happy home life and obviously did not become a young unmarried father himself as he is in his mid 20s. He is a very well rounded and mature young man and a credit to his mother. She went on to college and as I mentioned is happily married.

My brother had no adult support and advice but she was the youngest of four children. Her father and brothers were in the military and police and when her sister found out she was pregnant told her to have an abortion and not tell their parents. Well that obviously did not happen but of course she was traumatised and terrified of telling her father. Her parents went through the same emotions you describe but they eventually supported her decision to keep the baby. I believe it is due to the emotional and practical support she received from her family that she and her son have thrived. They all decided to act as adults and not let their own self - consciousness, feelings of shame and shock cause them to reject their grandson and nephew. He is embedded in his family, has many cousins and is dearly loved by them all. In fact his grandpa confessed to me once that he was his favorite grandchild.

This is your opportunity to show if your faith is real and your Christianity a loving version. It’s when times get tough that we finally find out who we are. God is giving you the gift of a grandchild but you can let your shame and anger cause you to reject God’s gift. Make sure this is not about you and your image in the community, all your children will be watching you closely and how you deal with this and wether you treat your daughter and grandchild with love. Ask Our Lady and Joseph to show you the way forward, they were in this situation and Mary was a teenager when she was pregnant and had Jesus.

I know it is tough but our goal is to get to heaven and help our children get there. Make decisions with the thought "How will this affect my eternal salvation? " Because at the last judgement I’m sure Jesus will want to chat to you about this situation. What will you tell him?

 

[hope21]

This is your opportunity to show if your faith is real and your Christianity a loving version. It’s when times get tough that we finally find out who we are. God is giving you the gift of a grandchild but you can let your shame and anger cause you to reject God’s gift. Make sure this is not about you and your image in the community, all your children will be watching you closely and how you deal with this and wether you treat your daughter and grandchild with love. Ask Our Lady and Joseph to show you the way forward, they were in this situation and Mary was a teenager when she was pregnant and had Jesus.

I know it is tough but our goal is to get to heaven and help our children get there. Make decisions with the thought "How will this affect my eternal salvation? " Because at the last judgement I’m sure Jesus will want to chat to you about this situation. What will you tell him?

This is great advice. My sister went off the rails and got pregnant in her teens to an ex-boyfriend. My parents were devastated, said she had ruined her life etc. Now, 10 years later, she is happily married and the child has been such a blessing to his whole family (and the apple of his grandparents’ eyes). Although adoption might seem like an ideal solution, if your daughter feels pressurized into this and comes to regret it then you risk losing her and she may also come to feel anger towards (and reject) Catholicism if she thinks that this was at the root of the pressure.

It’s obviously not a great situation to be in at the moment and it must be really hard for you, but your daughter needs your love and support right now and (like my parents before) you cannot tell what blessings this new baby will bring to your family.

I have to also add that the reason my sister and her child have thrived is largely due to the huge amount of support which they both received from my parents in the early years. Theirs was a happy ending but it would have been a different story if my parents had thought ‘she is responsible for this mess, we won’t help her sort it out’.

 

[maryjk]

I think everyone here needs to remember that adoption is a wonderful thing.

And a 15 year old raising a baby is hard.

Now, I wouldn’t want to force a 15 year old to give up her baby for adoption.

But it isn’t the terrible thing that some are making it sound like.

And although some know young woman that kept their babies and still were able to continue their education, statistics say differently. Especially if the grandparents are already overwhelmed with childcare.

OP:
Chances are, no laws were broken.

Many states have changed their statutory rape laws to fit this definition, adopting a new class of statutory rape that stipulated that a teenager can legally have consensual sex with a 14, 15, or 16 year-old provided that the other sex partner is within four years of those ages. Persons who have sex with teenagers that are any higher than four years of those ages are subject to prosecution.

 

[HollyDolly]

God bless your daughter for choosing life, and for you and your wife for trying to support her and her baby in this unexpected situation.

It is not an unheard of situation, and you know what it takes to raise children. I don’t have any ideas of how you can convince your daughter to step up and face the hard reality of her situation because she is only 15 and you have always provided well for her. You would not send her away so you will have to deal with her growing pregnancy and the reality of the arrival of this new life.

Please do not shun the baby’s father. Contact his parents asap and together work to come up with a viable, fair and loving way for the young man to accept and live up to his responsibilities. Their baby deserves a mother and father who, while young, are committed to his well-being.

Take all this one step at a time. Don’t fret over what will be in six months - you have a little bit of control over what happens today and next week. Your daughter is so young! Always try to keep that before your eyes. Fifteen year olds have been in this situation plenty of times, but it’s the first time for her, as well as for the young man, AND for your other children. Your position now will effect all their lives, and the little life within your daughter, for ever.

I pray for patience, peace, and wisdom for you, your wife, and the young man’s family. It’s up to you all, the adults in the situation, to cobble together a workable solution to this unexpected gift of new life.

God be with you all!

Oh I agree with you.Just take it one day at a time. You might want to contact the boys parents about this,since they are the child’s grandparents as well.They may not even know what has happend.You might also contact a lawyer that deals in family law who is board certified and can give you legal advice.Might even be helpful if his parents were in on the meeting as well. I pray that things work out for your family,and the little baby when it’s here will need lots of love, it shouldn’t be punished because of its parents mistake.Please keep us posted as to how things go.

 

[kosull2]

My husband’s niece got pregnant at 16 and had the baby a few months after her 17th birthday. She moved in with the baby’s father’s family and decided the keep the baby (a boy). She and the baby’s father moved out on their own within 6 months of the baby’s birth. The baby’s father was around until a few months ago, but now she is on her own. Her parents have 4 other kids and were separated when they found out she was pregnant (they have since divorced). She finished high school, got her CNA and last I heard is looking into nursing programs. She was accepted to one but couldn’t afford the tuition.

Whether your daughter decides to keep the baby or give the child up for adoption, be there for her. Support her. Talk to her. The pain of not being there for her isn’t something she will forget.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

I think everyone here needs to remember that adoption is a wonderful thing.

And a 15 year old raising a baby is hard.

Now, I wouldn’t want to force a 15 year old to give up her baby for adoption.

But it isn’t the terrible thing that some are making it sound like.

And although some know young woman that kept their babies and still were able to continue their education, statistics say differently. Especially if the grandparents are already overwhelmed with childcare.

OP:
Chances are, no laws were broken.

I tend to agree. Adoption is a beautiful option, but the girl must chose it on her own and not be coerced.

I do know of a few grandparents who have gotten custody of their grandchildren in this type of scenario. One young man now in his 30’s got his girlfriend pregnant as a teen and his parents started with visitation and weekend custody, to full custody. The father was able to keep a relationship with his daughter, and she was well taken care of by the grandparents.

 

[marbleartist]

If I may, I would also like to encourage your daughter to visit Catholic Charities and just explore the adoption option. Catholic Charities has a counselor specifically for the pregnant mom- this counselor is hers only, and not a counselor for the hopeful adoptive couple so there is no conflict of interest. If she chooses to keep the baby, then the counselor will help her do so by offering support. If she chooses to give the baby up for adoption, then she will be allowed to view the parents and pick the couple that will raise her baby. Either way, she will gain knowledge about the great gift of life that she is carrying and will be helped in her discernment. I come from the opposite side of things- my daughter and her husband were unable to conceive. They made a hopeful little adoption book for the birth mothers to view, and they prayed constantly that they would eventually have a baby to love. Catholic Charities was notified of the birth of my grandson (!!!) and called my daughter and her husband. You can not imagine the excitement when he came home with them. Every month, they are required to send a little baby diary complete with pictures to Catholic Charities for the birth mother to view. They plan on telling their son all about his wonderful birth mother and her unselfish gift of love. Adoption is a wonderful option and guarantees a stable married environment of love for the baby. If your daughter decides to keep her baby, then I encourage you to be supportive for I know you will love this baby once it arrives. I suspect everyone is still a little in shock at your house. I will pray for all of you, and for the new baby. I just wanted to speak up for the adoptive families from Catholic Charities- we all offer daily prayers of thanksgiving for our baby and his birth mother!!

 

[BellsMom]

I guess I’m going to be in the minority here but I don’t see how this young woman really has a choice.

She’s completely dependent on her parents for EVERYTHING in her life, food, shelter, etc. Volunteering them to become default “parents” without their consent isn’t her right. If she is mature enough to be a mommy then she’s mature enough to provide financially for her baby.

I would give her an ultimatum that she either gives the baby up for adoption or moves out takes care of them both on her own. It doesn’t mean the grandparents won’t offer love and support, but she needs to live up to her own responsibilities.

I think it would be different if grandma and grandpa were rolling in money and free time but that doesn’t seem to be the case.

 

[camillebru]

My name is Camille bruno Valdez my partner and I have been trying for a baby for over two years now, We were going to a fertility clinic for about 5 months before somebody told us to contact this spell caster who is so powerful, We contacted him at this email; arewaspecialisttemple@yahoo.com, for him to help us, then we told him our problem, he told us that we will either conceive in February 2014 or March 2014,but after two years of trying we were at a point where we were willing to try anything. And I’m glad we came to Dr Dahiru, Because his pregnancy spell cast put us at ease, and I honestly believe him, and his gods really helped us as well, I am thankful for all he has done. contact him via email: arewaspecialisttemple@yahoo.com if you are trying to get a baby or want your lover back. he has powers to do it, he has done mine

 

[Kal2012]

*I guess I’m going to be in the minority here but I don’t see how this young woman really has a choice.

She’s completely dependent on her parents for EVERYTHING in her life, food, shelter, etc. Volunteering them to become default “parents” without their consent isn’t her right. If she is mature enough to be a mommy then she’s mature enough to provide financially for her baby.

I think it would be different if grandma and grandpa were rolling in money and free time but that doesn’t seem to be the case.*

Exactly. It’s time for the daughter to get real about what her choices are.

Being a single parent isn’t glamorous, nor inexpensive. If mom and dad can’t help out financially, and if boyfriend can’t help out financially, then she needs to put the child up for adoption.

I faced this choice when I was much older, but I still faced it head on. The reality is that it takes money to care for children and if you don’t have it, then it’s going to be really tough to get buy w/o significant family support.

I’ve seen some teenagers do this, but the thing is that they had family and/or boyfriend’s support in the matter. Things will be much harder for her if she keeps the child, but doesn’t have any support, let alone money, to take care of the child.

It’s time to be very real about what her future will look like if she keeps the child and you can’t help her financially. Point out apartment prices, groceries, diapers…etc. Things get expensive fast and often there’s a wait list for subsidized Section 8 housing. What will her social life and schooling look like? She’s not going to be hanging out with her friends until all hours either?

Adoption laws vary by state. Some times the father needs to be notified about the adoption, other times they don’t. Find out the law specific to your state.

I’m not going to tell you which choice is better, only your family and her (and the boyfriend and the boyfriend’s family, if they are involved) can decide that.

Love is all fine and good, but let’s remember that love doesn’t pay the bills. Let’s be real and honest. My dad asks about my birth daughter all the time, but he’s also realistic enough to know that I wasn’t in a position to financially care for a child either. I know he loves her as much as I do; however, I had to do the right thing for my child at the time. It’s not about where you see yourself 10-15 years from now, but what is your situation like today. I knew what I was in for because I was raised by an always-broke single parent. I wasn’t going to live that life. I deliberately made a different choice.

It’s going to be tough for everyone in the family. Sometimes I think my dad is going to cry when he asks about my birth daughter.

I would explain that unless she finds a way to pay for the baby that didn’t include mom and dad footing the bill, then it’s just not realistic to think that she can keep the baby. I’d go through your monthly budget with her and show her how expensive things really are. That’s the bottom line in the situation. She’s going to grow up real fast in the next few months. There’s not much else you can do, but support her through this difficult time.

15 year old kids really have no idea how expensive things are or how things work in the real world. Sadly, she doesn’t get to be a kid any longer.

 

[Nan_S]

I guess I’m going to be in the minority here but I don’t see how this young woman really has a choice.

She’s completely dependent on her parents for EVERYTHING in her life, food, shelter, etc. Volunteering them to become default “parents” without their consent isn’t her right. If she is mature enough to be a mommy then she’s mature enough to provide financially for her baby.

I would give her an ultimatum that she either gives the baby up for adoption or moves out takes care of them both on her own. It doesn’t mean the grandparents won’t offer love and support, but she needs to live up to her own responsibilities.

I think it would be different if grandma and grandpa were rolling in money and free time but that doesn’t seem to be the case.

More than likely, given this ultimatum, the girl will move in with her boyfriend’s parents and they will try to raise the child together with his parents. She will be completely cut off from her family’s guidance and direction. In situations like that, the chance that she will finish High School is very low, and the chance that she will get pregnant with a second child, soon, is very high.

Somehow, I don’t believe that is a good move for a 15 year old.

 

[AClaire11]

More than likely, given this ultimatum, the girl will move in with her boyfriend’s parents and they will try to raise the child together with his parents. She will be completely cut off from her family’s guidance and direction. In situations like that, the chance that she will finish High School is very low, and the chance that she will get pregnant with a second child, soon, is very high.

Somehow, I don’t believe that is a good move for a 15 year old.

I’m not sure this is true, as OP has mentioned that the boyfriend pressured her to get an abortion. Unless he has a change of heart, it doesn’t sound like he’d be okay with her moving in with a baby.

If OP truly can’t afford to take care of the baby, then one thing to explore is having her get a part-time job so she can contribute financially. If everyone in the family commits to helping out and contributing, I don’t think a new baby would be such a hardship. But of course, we only know what the OP has told us, not the specifics of their financial situation.

I don’t know what the right solution is, but kicking a pregnant minor out of the house with no support doesn’t seem Christian at all. I agree with the suggestion of taking her to see the Catholic Charities adoption counselor, just so she can explore the issue of adoption with an objective third party. In the end, however, it is her decision.

 

[agnes_therese]

What can I do (besides pray, obviously we are praying fervently)? :banghead:

How about starting with loving your daughter? There is nothing in your post about love. It’s all how this affects you, and how you feel, and how much you have done for her, how this will mess up your finances, and what you are demanding. She’s 15, for crying out loud, she’s a child. She needs to be held and told you love her, mistakes and all.

It would be hard enough for her to make rational decisions right now, even if she felt she had her family’s support. Without that, she has nothing. Absolutely nothing.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

She expects her mother to just take care of the baby while she’s off leading the carefree life of a school girl and everything magically falls into place.

This is the part that stood out to me. If no one has done so yet, it is time to sit her down and explain her options to her. Not in the form of an ultimatum, but realistically explaining to her exactly how it will be if she keeps the baby, and how it will be if she gives it up for adoption.

For example, she needs to understand that if she keeps the baby, she will be responsible for him. That means her taking care of him, getting up at night to feed him, getting a part-time job to help support him; it means that she will not likely have time for extracurricular activities and hanging out with her friends; and that even finding time to do homework and finish high school will be very difficult. And this is just the tip of the iceberg.

On the other hand, if she gives him up for adoption, she is giving him a home with a loving mother and father who are ready to be parents. Nowadays, with open adoptions being a very common option, she could find a couple who agree to this option, and she could still see the baby and be a part of his life.

Of course, you can’t and shouldn’t force her to adopt, but that is by far the better option, and she needs to be shown that.

 

[PaulinVA]

I don’t know what the right solution is, but kicking a pregnant minor out of the house with no support doesn’t seem Christian at all. I agree with the suggestion of taking her to see the Catholic Charities adoption counselor, just so she can explore the issue of adoption with an objective third party. ** In the end, however, it is her decision**.

It is her decision, but she needs buy in from her parents or it won’t work. It is presumptuous, actually, of a 15 year old girl to assume her parents are going to raise her child. It is not a requirement. It is not an obligation.

 

[AClaire11]

It is her decision, but she needs buy in from her parents or it won’t work. It is presumptuous, actually, of a 15 year old girl to assume her parents are going to raise her child. It is not a requirement. It is not an obligation.

Agreed. Like EnglishTeacher said, they need to have a discussion of what each decision will really mean.

 

[pensmama87]

How about starting with loving your daughter? There is nothing in your post about love. It’s all how this affects you, and how you feel, and how much you have done for her, how this will mess up your finances, and what you are demanding. She’s 15, for crying out loud, she’s a child. She needs to be held and told you love her, mistakes and all.

It would be hard enough for her to make rational decisions right now, even if she felt she had her family’s support. Without that, she has nothing. Absolutely nothing.

This stood out to me, too.

I also think that even if the OP’s daughter does decide to give the baby up, that does not mean at all that it is like nothing ever happened. At the absolute bare minimum, she will be reminded when she fills out medical history forms (and the same goes for abortion, though hopefully she will not succumb to pressure from the baby’s father to do that.)

I am personally of the opinion that if the OP’s daughter is serious about her intention to raise her child, that her parents hear her out and see if there is a way they can make it work. That doesn’t mean she gets “away” with anything, or that her parents condone her poor behavior. She needs to learn the best way to manage her pregnancy, labor and delivery, regardless of whether she chooses to put the child up for adoption or not, and some basics of newborn care as well as how she will manage school, work, and mothering if she is not going to do that. That doesn’t mean scaring her with tons of worst-case scenarios so she’ll give up the idea, but I think some realism would do good. If she can get through that and seems like she is maturing, she may very well be a good candidate to raise this child. If she’s stuck in fairy tale land where she thinks that a baby is going to solve all her problems (it’s astonishing how many people can fall prey to this kind of thinking, including adults), then it’s probably time to get serious about considering adoption - for the baby’s sake. That’s a lot of pressure to put on a newborn.

I’ve known some wonderful teen moms, and some horrible ones (same with adults). I think this mom’s best chance, regardless of what route she chooses, will come from parents who will love her and encourage her to use this experience as an opportunity to mature, rather than seek to continue to use her pregnancy as an opportunity to remind her over and over that she made a mistake. She’s going to know that now for the rest of her life, no matter what happens.

 

[Xantippe]

More than likely, given this ultimatum, the girl will move in with her boyfriend’s parents and they will try to raise the child together with his parents. She will be completely cut off from her family’s guidance and direction. In situations like that, the chance that she will finish High School is very low, and the chance that she will get pregnant with a second child, soon, is very high.

Somehow, I don’t believe that is a good move for a 15 year old.

Yep.

 

[Xantippe]

Also, the OP has legal obligations to a minor child. He could get into legal hot water if he attempts to kick out a pregnant 15-year-old daughter. At the very least, you’d get a call from CPS.

Also, the daughter has choices other than 1) adoption and 2) fend for herself on minimum wage jobs (that she can’t actually take because she’s so young) and food stamps and public housing or a homeless shelter. As people have mentioned, her boyfriend’s family is an option. Or some sympathetic grandma or auntie. Likewise, she could go into foster care with the baby until she is a legal adult. Or she could go onto the street and into prostitution, baby and all. I’m sure there are lots of “friends” who would allow a 15-year-old to crash at their place in return for sex. Or she could have an abortion.

Isn’t keeping her at home starting to sound like a good idea?

I think it’s a good rule not to offer a kid choices unless we can actually live with both choices we offer. (I’ve definitely learned this with smaller kids.)

 

[pianistclare]

How about starting with loving your daughter? There is nothing in your post about love. It’s all how this affects you, and how you feel, and how much you have done for her, how this will mess up your finances, and what you are demanding. She’s 15, for crying out loud, she’s a child. She needs to be held and told you love her, mistakes and all.

It would be hard enough for her to make rational decisions right now, even if she felt she had her family’s support. Without that, she has nothing. Absolutely nothing.

**Absolutely. **
Go speak to the priest. He’s heard it all before. pour out your feelings, frustrations, and let him speak to her alone. Maybe he can point her to others in the parish with similar life events. Now is not the time to start regretting her choices, Now is the time to rally the troops, and circle the wagons. She’s a little girl. She’s far from old enough to make life decisions. After all, isn’t that why this happened in the first place? She looking for love. You and your wife are the first ones for her to turn to. Let her know that your arms are the safe place to fall. You’re disappointed yes. But she’s still YOUR baby.
God bless your whole family. You are in my prayers.