Parents role in a situation

[PennyinCanada]

Drinking and driving. Doesn’t kill everybody.
Premarital sex is kind of like that.

This is why parents say no. Actually, NO should be your answer to your boyfriend, who doesn’t mind that he’s actually doing the opposite of loving you and is displaying total self interest and selfishness. Not husband material. Not today.

 

[rosejmj]

So pregnancy is bad? I thought life was a gift from God even if it’s not always convenient.

Also I don’t think it’s only guys who initiate or want sex

I just think at some point there needs to be a level of freedom for adult children even if it’s not exactly how the parents wish it was. Independence should be encouraged

 

[Thorolfr]

Thorolfr:

The result is that I’ve always been very close to both of my parents.

There were many variables that contributed to my traumatic childhood. One blessing of it was that I learned how to be independent and to confidently walk in my adulthood in spite of my various health and mental health challenges.

It is unfortunate that so many have such a hard time transitioning into adulthood.

I’m glad that you succeeded in spite of your challenges. But it’s not realistic to believe that everyone else can work 3 jobs while also putting themselves through college regardless of what challenges they face. Some people’s health and mental health challenges are worse than others, for example.

 

[Jen95]

So is sleeping around and partying / drinking helping or hurting their mental / physical health?

 

[Thorolfr]

So is sleeping around and partying / drinking helping or hurting their mental / physical health?

If someone is having premarital sex, that doesn’t necessarily mean that they are “sleeping around.” Perhaps they have a steady relationship with one person. No need to put the worst spin on everything.

 

[Jen95]

In a Catholic worldview, is sleeping with one or more people to whom one is not married, good for mental / spiritual / physical health?

 

[JimG]

It’s fine to have a steady relationship with one person, providing that they are married to that one person, and self supporting.

 

[Thorolfr]

In a Catholic worldview, is sleeping with one or more people to whom one is not married, good for mental / spiritual / physical health?

Is there actually anything in Catholic teaching about mental and physical health when it comes to sex outside of marriage? Psychologists and psychiatrists are the experts in mental health and medical doctors are the experts when it comes to physical health.

 

[humbleseeker]

I just think at some point there needs to be a level of freedom for adult children

Is your friend being held captive against her will? Her level of freedom will increase when she’s not relying on someone else to meet her needs. To be treated like an adult you have to accept the responsibilities along with the privileges.

 

[Jen95]

Hmm. Let’s see – what would be the Catholic opinion on fornication. Hmmm, tough one. You think that the Catholic Church doesn’t have an opinion on all these aspects of mental / spiritual / physical health?

 

[Thorolfr]

It’s fine to have a steady relationship with one person, providing that they are married to that one person, and self supporting.

But devout Catholics have to deal all the time with other people, including people in their own families, who aren’t devout and don’t follow Catholic teachings. So, there has to be some amount of compromise on both sides if they want to remain in any kind of friendly relationship with each other. If maintaining a relationship isn’t important, then both sides can be as uncompromising as they want.

 

[Thorolfr]

Hmm. Let’s see – what would be the Catholic opinion on fornication. Hmmm, tough one. You think that the Catholic Church doesn’t have an opinion on all these aspects of mental / spiritual / physical health?

I would think that spiritual health would be the Church’s main area of expertise. And as far as I know, that is the only area that the Church has claimed any special expertise in.

 

[JimG]

Of course. I can be friends with and be charitable toward those who do not follow Catholic teachings, even in my own family. But I don’t compromise my Faith while doing so. There’s no need to. They would not respect me for going against my own beliefs.

 

[Thorolfr]

Of course. I can be friends with and be charitable toward those who do not follow Catholic teachings, even in my own family. But I don’t compromise my Faith while doing so. There’s no need to. They would not respect me for going against my own beliefs.

When I speak of compromise, I mean, for example, allowing a family member who does things you don’t agree with to come to your house for Thanksgiving or agreeing to go to their house for Thanksgiving. But if someone was totally uncompromising, they might decide that they couldn’t even associate at all with a family member who does things they think are sinful.

 

[PetraG]

She’d love to but she’s trying to get through school and working full time to do that

Free rent isn’t free. Respect the standards of your hosts or find a way to support yourself.

She has to remember that her parents want her to have eternal life, not just a safe place to sleep and an education. They presumably would like her boyfriend to not only go to heaven but also to have the kind of self-mastery you have to have when maybe your wife is pregnant or in bad health and isn’t availalble for sex.

Seen in that light, they are no more going to enable a life of sex outside of marriage than they’d enable her if she were an alcoholic or a drug addict. They’re not going to let her disappear so she can use and then come home and let them support her. “Hey, she’s getting good grades in school, so what can we say if she binge drinks?” I don’t think so!! Well, they’re not going to let her disappear to do other self-destructive things, either. A faithful Catholic will see sex outside of marriage as self-destructive. (Lying about whether you’re having sex outside of marriage while your out of the house is about like lying about your drinking. Just becasue it is legal doesn’t mean it is OK to lie aboout it.)

When I speak of compromise, I mean, for example, allowing a family member who does things you don’t agree with to come to your house for Thanksgiving or agreeing to go to their house for Thanksgiving. But if someone was totally uncompromising, they might decide that they couldn’t even associate at all with a family member who does things they think are sinful.

Would you allow your brother to come for your house for Thanksgiving, provided he comes clean and sober, without getting a bill of sobriety for the three months prior? I would think so. Likewise, they could morally host guests they knew to be spiritually self-destructive because of sexual immorality. Hosting a guest for dinner is not the same as having them join the household.

 

[Thorolfr]

Free rent isn’t free. Respect the standards of your hosts or find a way to support yourself.

She has to remember that her parents want her to have eternal life, not just a safe place to sleep and an education. They presumably would like her boyfriend to not only go to heaven but also to have the kind of self-mastery you have to have when maybe your wife is pregnant or in bad health and isn’t availalble for sex.

Seen in that light, they are no more going to enable a life of sex outside of marriage than they’d enable her if she were an alcoholic or a drug addict. They’re not going to let her disappear so she can use and then come home and let them support her. “Hey, she’s getting good grades in school, so what can we say if she binge drinks?” I don’t think so!! Well, they’re not going to let her disappear to do other self-destructive things, either. A faithful Catholic will see sex outside of marriage as self-destructive. (Lying about whether you’re having sex outside of marriage while your out of the house is about like lying about your drinking. Just becasue it is legal doesn’t mean it is OK to lie aboout it.)

I’m not suggesting that parents should let the adult children living in their home do whatever they want. But one thing that I know for sure about these kinds of situations is that if the parents are too heavy handed, they risk not having any relationship at all with their children later on. I’ve seen it again and again in the families of my own fundamentalist Baptist relatives. If parents are willing to take that risk and live with the consequences, then they can do whatever they want.

 

[Jen7]

Just because something is grave matter doesn’t mean you should try to force people to not commit the sin.

Well… except in this case the gal can’t support herself so if she gets pregnant her folks will be paying all doctor bills, prenatal care, etc. It’s pretty understandable they don’t don’t want have to choose between that & dumping a pregnant daughter out to fend for herself. I feel like you’re suggesting these parents should be the girl’s servants - she’s over 18 so she can do ANYTHING outside their house and just keep feeding off them. Honestly I’m starting to wonder about the parents’ boundaries. This girl does not sound like she has a lot of respect for them. Their house, their money… their rules. Listen, my husband and I lived with my parents for a couple months after marriage when we had two kids. It was not fun. But we followed their house rules & insisted they follow our parenting rules (such as no feeding the kids candy before dinner and such). I would rather have done my laundry before bed but that didn’t suit my mom. Her washer. Her rules. She wanted to spoil my kids rotten but that didn’t suit me. My kids. My rules. We all survived thanks to some basic respect.

 

[PetraG]

I’m not suggesting that parents should let the adult children living in their home do whatever they want. But one thing that I know for sure about these kinds of situations is that if the parents are too heavy handed, they risk not having any relationship at all with their children later on. I’ve seen it again and again in the families of my own fundamentalist Baptist relatives.

I think the parents have to present it as “I think if I cooperated with this, I would be doing you a disservice” not “you are a terrible person.” The idea is not to shame the adult child but on the other hand to avoid enabling behaviors you think are dangerous or self-destructive, regardless as if it were your parent or your child. (And that is the thing: an adult child doesn’t deserve to be able to do what they want, they don’t deserve rent-free hospitality with no house rules that apply to all the other adults in the house, but they do deserve to be treated with the same respect due to any adult.)

 

[Thorolfr]

Their house, their money… their rules.

My parents were never like that. They never talked to me about the house we lived in being “their house” or the money that was spent being “their money”. When I was living at home, it was my parents’ home and my home, too. I was never treated as if I were a guest living under “their roof.” Although I couldn’t spend my parents’ money anyway I pleased, I was never made to feel that they were keeping careful track of every cent they spent on me because it was “their money.” My parents have at various times helped me out financially, but it was never treated as a loan with the demand that it be repaid later on. It was always a gift.

 

[Jen7]

My parents were never like that. They never talked to me about the house we lived in being “their house” or the money that was spent being “their money”. When I was living at home, it was my parents’ home and my home, too. I was never treated as if I were a guest living under “their roof.” Although I couldn’t spend my parents’ money anyway I pleased, I was never made to feel that they were keeping careful track of every cent they spent on me because it was “their money.” My parents have at various times helped me out financially, but it was never treated as a loan with the demand that it be repaid later on.

Maybe that’s because you were basically following their concepts for good behavior. How might they have reacted if you’d decided to sell illegal drugs out of their basement? Perhaps it may have suddenly become “their house” with “their rules”? My parents weren’t that way either, until I was an adult and had some of my own ideas that made them uncomfortable (how I homeschooled my kids for example).