Parents role in a situation

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rosejmj said:
So pregnancy is bad? I thought life was a gift from God even if it’s not always convenient.
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Pregnancy before marriage is bad. From a practical standpoint, it means there is a good chance the child will be raised in less-than-ideal circumstances.

It may also mean that the baby will be killed through abortion.
rosejmj said:
I just think at some point there needs to be a level of freedom for adult children even if it’s not exactly how the parents wish it was. Independence should be encouraged
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Independence should be encouraged. The independence of being a self-supporting adult, for example.

The “independence” to commit sin should not.
 
Jen7 said:
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Thorolfr:
My parents were never like that. They never talked to me about the house we lived in being “their house” or the money that was spent being “their money”. When I was living at home, it was my parents’ home and my home, too. I was never treated as if I were a guest living under “their roof.” Although I couldn’t spend my parents’ money anyway I pleased, I was never made to feel that they were keeping careful track of every cent they spent on me because it was “their money.” My parents have at various times helped me out financially, but it was never treated as a loan with the demand that it be repaid later on.
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Maybe that’s because you were basically following their concepts for good behavior. How might they have reacted if you’d decided to sell illegal drugs out of their basement? Perhaps it may have suddenly become “their house” with “their rules”? My parents weren’t that way either, until I was an adult and had some of my own ideas that made them uncomfortable (how I homeschooled my kids for example).
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That never happened. My parents have always loved me unconditionally. When I was 21, I came out to my parents and told them that I’m gay. I’m sure that it was a shock for them, but they continued to support me through college and have always welcomed me and my partner into their home. They continued to treat me the same as they always had, with love and kindness.
 
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Thorolfr said:
That never happened. My parents have always loved me unconditionally. When I was 21, I came out to my parents and told them that I’m gay. I’m sure that it was a shock for them, but they continued to support me through college and have always welcomed me and my partner into their home. They continued to treat me the same as they always had.
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What a blessing to have the warm relationship you have with your parents!! This said, in the case of the OP I don’t think her parents are wrong in what they’re doing. They have a right to insist on their rules. Your folks just sound much more relaxed & chill. The OP may wish for parents like that… but she still has to obey the ones she has as long as they’re supporting her. Then perhaps she will decide to grow up to be more like your folks toward her own kids one day!
 
rosejmj said:
So pregnancy is bad? I thought life was a gift from God even if it’s not always convenient.

Also I don’t think it’s only guys who initiate or want sex

I just think at some point there needs to be a level of freedom for adult children even if it’s not exactly how the parents wish it was. Independence should be encouraged
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Living with your parents is not independence, though.
But sure, the parent needs to operate with an adult child in the knowledge that some day the tables could be turned and it could be the parent depending on the judgment of the adult child. Could the adult child be put into a position of contacting the parent’s physician so that they lose their license to drive? Yes, and it could be because the parent is in denial about their physical capacity, not because they lack the mental capacity to make their own decisions. These aren’t easy matters. The answer isn’t just “they’re an adult, they do what they want.” The other adults in the family (or adults who are friends) have to decide the ways in which they’re comfortable with cooperating with personal decisions and the degree to which they can’t do that without violating their own standards for themselves.
Mutual respect is called for. It isn’t just a matter of the lowest common denominator winning out.
 
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Think of something you find morally reprehensible. Let’s take a very current thing, like racism.

Imagine that you have an adult daughter who is living with you, you are paying all the bills, food, electricity, car payment, mortgage, you are supporting this person. Imagine that she has decided to join the KKK. She goes out to their meetings, goes on overnight trips with them.

Would you be okay with financially funding life so your daughter had the freedom to go express her belief in racism, or, would you explain that you cannot support her in this and set house rules?
 
My non-religious parents would not have liked me sleeping with my boyfriend while I was in school and did not have my education finished. Because pregnancies happen all the time. Being smart says that I’m not going to take that risk.

Society calls a person adult at the age of 18. Living at home, depending on your parents, is the definition of ‘dependent’. Again, this is a very short time in your life, finishing your education. Demonstrate your ability to make sound and mature choices by saying ‘I’m not risking pregnancy’. Model that for your boyfriend, for your younger siblings, for your same age friends. You be the rockstar. It’s like the 4 friends who go out celebrating someone’s birthday. You be the one who is the designated driver and love your friends by making sure everyone gets home safely. Do the sacrifice. That’s what love is.
 
Thorolfr said:
My parents were never like that. They never talked to me about the house we lived in being “their house” or the money that was spent being “their money”. When I was living at home, it was my parents’ home and my home, too. I was never treated as if I were a guest living under “their roof.” Although I couldn’t spend my parents’ money anyway I pleased, I was never made to feel that they were keeping careful track of every cent they spent on me because it was “their money.” My parents have at various times helped me out financially, but it was never treated as a loan with the demand that it be repaid later on. It was always a gift.
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How to handle an adult child living in the parental home is definitely a matter of judgement, both on the part of the parents and the adult child. We have had some adult child posters here whose parents are the ones who are doing something irregular, and they wonder out loud if it is moral to remain in their parents’ homes, because they feel in their case they’re giving tacit approval to an arrangment that is self-destructive to their parents. Still, of course they also have to consider preserving the family relationships in a healthy way and showing mutual respect to the adulthood of each person in the household. It is a matter of deciding what actually is in the best interest of all involved by taking the particular situation into account. There isn’t just one right answer.

In other words, my point was that the standards of the parents in the OP’s example are not out of bounds. They’re not abusing their position as the heads of their household. They may feel conscience-bound to stick with the policy they have even though other parents in a similar situation might have reached a different conclusion. It is then up to the adult child to decide what choices she wants to make, in light of the conditions of living at her parents’ home. (It hardly matters whether the parents are getting rent, unless they are renting space to her in the same way as a stranger would rent from them. The point is that this is the home they live in and she is a member of the household they head and could rightly feel responsible for.)
 
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QwertyGirl said:
Parents who try to control their adult (over 18) kids aren’t healthy. They should work on that.
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I think that people who are making a home with others, even other adults, could rightly and without any toxicity decide that they are not going to enable self-destructive behaviors. It is not out of place to consider sex outside of marriage as a self-destructive behavior in the same way that binge drinking or the use of recreational drugs is self-destructive. That’s the basis on which I think the parents (or any other set of adult roommates, for that matter) have the right and could see themselves as having the responsibility to set some boundaries on the behaviors that are acceptable in members of their households. These are the kinds of boundaries that adult roommates do set for each other as a condition of making themselves into a household, after all.

I do agree that parents should treat their children over 21 (and to a somewhat lesser degree, their children between 18 and 21) as they would other adult relatives. It is time, too, to set the standard for the kind of decision-making autonomy that the parents will want to have if the time ever comes that they become members of the household of one of their adult children. What goes around, comes around.
 
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rosejmj said:
She seems to think they are trying to impose their morality on her when she just wants to be left alone
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Hmm…🤔…I’ve never come across this situation before…😄
In other words, she’s growing up, separating from her parents, and acting in an entirely normal manner.

Having two daughters around that age myself, and having a wife who is more understanding about these things than I am(thankfully), my best advice is to let her make her own decisions, don’t be judgey. Most of all don’t try to force her to comply, because that is the most effective way to push her away from religion.
 
on_the_hill said:
because that is the most effective way to push her away from religion.
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The op put in that the parents are religious, but really, non religious parents don’t want their daughters becoming pregnant as a teen, right? Non religious parents don’t want their teens drinking and driving, or taking drugs. They generally prefer the kids continue their education and stay out of trouble.

She’s trying to imply that they are imposing their religion. Red herring.
 
It is vital that parents have these discussions with their children from the time they are little children, their expectations and “house rules”, same as we ought be teaching our little children through teens about Catholic marriage. That parents are not going to allow XYZ in their home for adult children needs never come as a shock.
 
I fully agree that if the parents are supporting her, they get to make the rules. If she doesn’t like it…move out and support yourself fully, which is the way most of mankind did for all of history until this last half century or so.

Even if the costs of going out is “only” the cost of drinks and birth control, that is money which could be used for rent which the parents are footing. (Besides the more important fact that observant Catholic parents know and have taught that birth control is grave matter and using it with full knowledge and deliberate consent is separating yourself from God’s love in Heaven.) Why would parents want to be effectively be contributing to their own daughters self-destruction? TheLittleLady had a fantastic analogy to the racism/KKK if that is your friend’s preferred belief system example.

The goal of “dating” should be to find a spouse for marriage. It isn’t for self gratification. It seems that since your friend can’t take care of herself, she shouldn’t be “dating” at all, since she’s not ready for marriage. Her dating is “just” for sexual gratification.

(By the way, not married, no kids and a full adult here.)
 
TheLittleLady said:
That parents are not going to allow XYZ in their home for adult children needs never come as a shock.
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Exactly. The expectations of me while under my mother’s roof were crystal clear. It was also crystal clear that she still expected me to adhere to her expectations for however long I was under her roof.

Maybe it’s a cultural thing, I don’t know. But, there is just simply no way I or any of my friends or family would ever expect to be able to do any old thing while still at home with mom and dad. That was simply beyond the realm of possibility. Same with back talk, raising your voice, cursing, etc. If you wanted to do your own thing you moved out.
 
PennyinCanada said:
She’s trying to imply that they are imposing their religion. Red herring.
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And I guess I bit. Hook, line, and sinker.
However—I do believe that religion certainly contributes to moderating one’s behavior, and I’m not saying the parents should completely separate their faith from their concerns for their daughter.

In other words, regardless of the red herring, introducing some influence of religion can be helpful, so long as it’s not used in a heavy handed manner.
 
Cost of going out = drinks + birth control + potential hidden costs such as accidental pregnancy even while using birth control, getting a STI even while using birth control, risk of other occasion problems such as accidentally sleeping around while drunk, DUI, getting over-involved with a creep when you are drunk (if he videos, uses date-rape drug) etc.
 
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PetraG said:
It is not out of place to consider sex outside of marriage as a self-destructive behavior in the same way that binge drinking or the use of recreational drugs is self-destructive.
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I think this ‘all or nothing’ view is not a great tactic. I know many people who have had sex outside marriage, have been binge drinking on ocassion (and what that entails will vary from person to person) and have used recreational drugs (we can include nicotine here). And I’d struggle to think of anyone I know who wouldn’t have been involved in at least a couple of those scenarios at some time - myself included (and my now happily married adult kids included as well).

If a parent insists that sex outside marriage IS destructive behaviour then they’d be wrong. If they warned their child that it COULD be, then that would be a more reasonable position to take. And they could then go on to describe ways in which it could be destructive. And ways to avoid it becoming so (apart from the obvious ‘don’t do it’).

There are two ways to approach this:

This behaviour is wrong and we won’t allow it.
This behaviour might lead to problems and we need to discuss it with you (as adults).

Which do you think has the best chance of success?
 
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At the very least I can be glad that I won’t have this type of problem.
 
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