Perpetually single

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legaleagle

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I’m not sure if this is the right forum, but I’d like some insight if anyone is willing to provide some. I’m in my early 30’s, I’m pretty, smart, successful, respected by my peers, popular and funny - - yet I’m single. I’m embarrassed to admit this, but I’ve never even been on a date!!! :eek:

Since I was a child, I’ve been interested in guys and I always had crushes on guys in my schools/college/etc. I desperately want a husband and yet it eludes me. My mother always says that God is saving me for some special guy. But, I don’t quite see the logic of that. I haven’t even been on a date or anything to prepare for a special guy. I should add that I’m not yet a Catholic (probably will become one soon) but I’ve been a Christian since childhood and one reason I probably have been single is because of my high moral standards. I’m also wondering (and hoping) that maybe I’ve been single because God was waiting for me to come to the Catholic Church and it would’ve been complicated if I had ended up with a Protestant guy first.

Anyway, am I weird for being perpetually single (I guess that part that makes me think I’m weird is that I’ve never dated)? I don’t understand why guys don’t ask me out. I got so desperate that I even asked a man out this summer (he declined, but there’s a long story there). I would understand it if I weren’t attractive, etc, but I honestly am. Is there such a thing as God shielding me from guys because He has something planned for me?
 
To be single is a gift from God, whether it is temporal or perpetual. If you’re looking for a faithful Catholic, there are many in the world. Now I am not one of them, so I cannot recommend myself. But I pray you may find your spouse soon! God is calling you, just be patient: He wants to prepare you for Mr. Right and Mr. Right for you during this time. 😉

Catholic singles in the US: forums.catholic-questions.org/group.php?groupid=9
Catholic singles in Africa: forums.catholic-questions.org/group.php?groupid=288
 
I am 26, and am also quite single. I understand, it’s very hard. I will pray for you. You pray for me.
 
You can’t catch a fish if you aren’t on the shore with a fishing pole, no matter how much you pray for God to make the fish jump out of the lake into your arms.

It’s time for you to make yourself available. If you haven’t been in a singles bar, or specifically introduced by one of your friends to a guy, they probably wouldn’t know you were available. Have some very nice pictures taken of yourself and go to either AveMariaSingles or Eharmony and put up a profile.
 
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you, but there’s a lot of things wrong with a lot of men out there! 😉

I think things have gotten a whole lot harder in the realm of courtship. This may just be my opinion, but I’m a firm believer that women deserve to be pursued. This concept has been turned on it’s head, and now a lot of guys are content to let women pursue them. I used to be like that, anyway. Since I was pretty shy, I figured that any girl who was interested in me would be just as responsible for asking me out as I would be in asking her out. So I should be able to take it easy and let them come to me. Once I “came to my senses” and realized I needed to “man up”, suddenly a whole new world of dating was opened up to me (which eventually led to marriage). 🙂

I think one of the unfortunate consequences of this courtship confusion is that we have a lot of great single women out there, but the men are too lazy to pursue them. 😦 Of course, our entitlement mentality, along with the decline in sexual moral ethics only serves to feed this laziness. And because of this, a good number of good women (like yourself) are confused as to what to do.

This is all just conjecture based on my own limited observations, so take it for what it’s worth. But I know I’m right. 😃

So, no, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you. Now, a single guy in his 30s or 40s is another story. 😉 (Not that there aren’t exceptions. There are!)
 
Angels_Unaware said:
It’s time for you to make yourself available. If you haven’t been in a singles bar, or specifically introduced by one of your friends to a guy, they probably wouldn’t know you were available. Have some very nice pictures taken of yourself and go to either AveMariaSingles or Eharmony and put up a profile.
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Actually, I do make myself available and am very sociable. That’s why it’s so mind boggling. People know I’m single. I get along well with guys.

At this point in my life, I’m not planning on internet dating (briefly tried it in the past, and it’s just not my type of thing).

Joe5859,
interesting. I’ve heard something like that before about guys being lazy, etc. But why the double standard about single guys?

Layp3rs0n,
I’ll say a prayer for you too.

Eucharisted,
true, I should look at the single life as a gift from God. I suppose a good way to look at it is that right now, I have all this extra time on my hands to devote to God.

Thanks for all your comments.
 
legaleagle said:
Joe5859,
interesting. I’ve heard something like that before about guys being lazy, etc. But why the double standard about single guys?
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Yes, it is a double standard. 🙂 It’s more or less based on the past observation of a female friend that I latched on to as it seemed to ring true. She was also a single woman in her early 30s at the time. She said that older single guys are often just weird, but older single women are not.

I guess, simply put, an older single guy is often still single because of some personality defect. An older single girl can still be single, not due to any defect of her own but simply because no guy has pursued her.

Perhaps that sounds sexist. I really don’t mean it that way. It’s just a casual observation. I really do know several single guys in their 30s who are perfectly normal, and I have several normal friends who (though they are now married) were single into their 30s. So I don’t mean to tell you you aren’t going to find a normal guy! :o
 
I can only share my experience. I was single until age 38. I, too, could never figure out what I couldn’t meet “the one.” I dated a lot in my high school, college, and early 20s, but then in late 20s and into 30s it just seemed to stop. I was successful, attractive (so I have been told), etc… but always the guys I would meet would be “just friends” or else they would be total losers. 🙂

I did sign up for Ave Maria Singles to try to meet serious Catholic men, because honestly the ones I met IRL were not all that serious about Catholicism. Even on AMS, I did meet a variety of guys but for whatever reason those relationships went nowhere. Then I met my DH, with whom I had a lot in common but also with whom there would be major obstacles to us getting together.

I think by the time DH wrote to me, I was in a stage of “whatever.” I wasn’t really convinced I’d ever meet the “right” person-- not even “the” person, just “a” person with enough qualities to be “right.” I had sort of moved into a phase where I was getting comfortable with being ME. I wasn’t letting my marital status define who I was, or whether I could be happy. I had lots of friends, was doing things that interested me, owned my own home (10 years), and then WHAM… there was DH.

So, moral of the story: live your life in service to Him and it will just all unfold as it’s supposed to. Easy to say, hard to do.

That seems to be what God wanted me to get to. And, if it had unfolded that I was supposed to be single, I think I would have been OK with that. I’d just reached that point of being happy with ME. How liberating to frankly not give a cr*p about the dating world, whether I was “pretty” enough or whether a guy would be intimidated by my MBA or my salary or that I owned a house… or that I loved to travel and go to Broadway musicals.

DH also waited to find someone of his “caliber.” He was 43 when we married. He honestly thought he’d be a life long bachelor. He never really dated much at all. And, he had been rejected by every girl he wrote to on AMS. I was the only one who wrote back. He almost didn’t write to me. And, I gotta say-- those girls were smoking crack because my DH is an AWESOME man.

🙂
 
legaleagle said:
Actually, I do make myself available and am very sociable. That’s why it’s so mind boggling. People know I’m single. I get along well with guys.
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Honey, I can relate.

I am a woman who has football on TV from Saturday morning to Sunday night. I love NCAA and NFL. I know all the rules of both leagues. I love going to hockey games, I love playing sports, I love watching sports.

I love a lot of guy things.

I drive a truck.

I don’t know what the deal was-- although I did have a couple of guys tell me they couldn’t date me because I was too smart. My usual comeback: So, you want dumb kids?

Anyway-- bottom line is… it sucks and you just have to learn to be OK with it. And, you’ll either meet someone or you won’t. You can only control you-- so be happy with you and build a life you can be happy with no matter what comes along.

Edited to add:

Also, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. I love being married and I love my DH. But in addition to the joy there is a ton of hard work. It is much *easier *being single. Something I never really understood *while *single.
 
One thing I would say, is that I don’t think you’re missing much by not dating a ton. Of course that’s my opinion. I only dated one guy before I met my now boyfriend of 4.5 years. I’m glad I didn’t have to date around a bunch.

Perhaps some guys that you’ve been interested in didn’t think you’d say yes to them if they asked you out? Just thinking here, because if you’re a good person all around, perhaps they were just scared of rejection. So maybe you need to go out and take the first step. Although I agree with Joe who said that it should be the other way around. But if that’s not working for you then you could try it the other way…
 
Gonna throw petrol on the fire… divorced guys for the MOST part are also defective.

Lots of divorced women are relatively normal.

Women have more to lose in a divorce so most will stick with a not so great husband. It’s better than poverty and single motherdom.

Many men will dump a perfectly good wife to go find the greener grass or chase their youth that is receding faster than their hairline.

Really good men will hang onto a bad wife because they are honorable and are trying to keep their kids’ lives stable. Or because they feel a need to protect their wife (even if she is bat ship crazy.)

So that leaves a lot of creepers that can’t/won’t keep a marriage going who are out there loose.

Run from them.

One in a hundred was dumped by a really bad woman. And he’s a decent guy. But you’re going to have to sift through a lot of iron pyrite to find that gold nugget.

Enjoy your singleness and your chance to travel and do things you wanted to do. Life isn’t an ark and only those who have a spouse are happy. I’ve seen too many good women drive themselves nuts because they didn’t have a spouse. I’ve seen wonderful women chase unworthy slobs, bad strangers, cheats and worse in order to not be alone.

If there is someone out there God plans for you, he will recognize you when the proper time comes. However, if you forced yourself to settle for someone else, when the good one comes along, you won’t be available.

Don’t settle! Never settle! You are a complete person on your own. You provide much to the lives of people around you. You are free in a way wives and mothers are not. Enjoy it now, because someday you may look on these years with nostalgia. And never hide your talents so you don’t make a man uncomfortable. If he can’t handle the truth about you, he doesn’t deserve you. 👍
 
Is it possible that you are too confident and assertive, to the extent that it intimidates men?

Just from your posts, you speak pretty highly of yourself. It’s unusual for people to speak so highly of themselves. You’re essentially saying “I’m great in every way I can think of, why don’t guys want me”, maybe this kind of attitude comes across as arrogant and offputting to men?
 
I am not trying to insult you in anyway but it seems like you are doing or not doing something that makes guys not want to hang around you or date you. Have you ever asked a close friend, preferably a male friend, what you could be doing that people don’t like?

Also, just for kicks, try eHarmony. It’s a great dating site. I met my wonderful fiance on there. If anything it will allow you to “meet” guys that know you are interested in dating and you might learn how to talk to potential dates. It’s a great site I think. And there are some very nice people on there. Stay far away from match.com though, that seems like a hook up site.

Good luck
 
flyingfish said:
Is it possible that you are too confident and assertive, to the extent that it intimidates men?

Just from your posts, you speak pretty highly of yourself. It’s unusual for people to speak so highly of themselves. You’re essentially saying “I’m great in every way I can think of, why don’t guys want me”, maybe this kind of attitude comes across as arrogant and offputting to men?
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Nope, I don’t come across as arrogant - - if anything, I’m too humble at times. I described myself highly in my first post because I just wanted to explain that I’m a normal person with a lot to offer which is why it puzzles me that I’m alone.

As I read all your comments, I’m starting to wonder if I’ve figured it out: the one vibe that I do give off is that I’m very ‘religious’ and devout. Just last week one guy told me: you’re so ____ pure (I won’t type the expletive in the blank). I take that as a compliment, but I don’t know if it was intended as one. I don’t flaunt my religion or anything like that.

Thanks everyone for your comments. You’ve made me do some thinking. I guess in the meantime, I will pray some more and keep looking. As I type this, I guess I’m realizing that I’m very picky and wouldn’t date non-Christians (and if I really am going to be Catholic, then I’d only be interested in Catholics).

Liberanosamalo,
I agree with you - - I won’t settle.
 
legaleagle said:
Nope, I don’t come across as arrogant - - if anything, I’m too humble at times. I described myself highly in my first post because I just wanted to explain that I’m a normal person with a lot to offer which is why it puzzles me that I’m alone.

As I read all your comments, I’m starting to wonder if I’ve figured it out: the one vibe that I do give off is that I’m very ‘religious’ and devout. **Just last week one guy told me: you’re so ____ pure (I won’t type the expletive in the blank). **I take that as a compliment, but I don’t know if it was intended as one. I don’t flaunt my religion or anything like that.

Thanks everyone for your comments. You’ve made me do some thinking. I guess in the meantime, I will pray some more and keep looking. As I type this, I guess I’m realizing that I’m very picky and wouldn’t date non-Christians (and if I really am going to be Catholic, then I’d only be interested in Catholics).

Liberanosamalo,
I agree with you - - I won’t settle.
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In what context did the guy tell you you were too pure? Do you have moral arguments with people? Do you tell them how you think that x, y, z are sinful?

That kind of behavior can be unattractive as well, as it would make most people feel as though you’d look down on them as sinners.
 
Well, if you are called to be perpetually single then accept it. However I dont really recommend you to go to those site. But Ave Maria, one of our Third order member daughter try that so now she is happily married. But anyway she is only in here late 20’s. Another person who is member of our prayer group she was really thinking that she would like to remain single but things change when she was at age 40. And the lucky guy was a widower and she was leading the prayer for the dead which the wife of that widower. After one year this widower started to contact her she decline. She was not interested since she wanted to remain single in whole life. But her parents like the guy and she decided to follow their advice. In short she got married. They had two children.

Anyway my dear please pray and ask the Help of our Blessed Mother. If you are meant to marry then it will happen in God’s time. However, if you are also incline to become a religious then try to discern it. But most of all pray.Go and visit the Blessed Sacrament. …Even if you are not Catholic spent time in prayerwith Jesus he will lead you.

I too was planning to get married and have children but God has another plan for me for which I followed and I am happy. Pray and read your bible ask the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

I decided mention those situation in the above for you to know that there is nothing to worry. But instead bring it to God with trust and confidence. God knows what is the best for you.
 
graciesuico said:
Anyway my dear please pray and ask the Help of our Blessed Mother. If you are meant to marry then it will happen in God’s time. However if you are also have incline to become a religious then try to discern it. But most of all pray.Go and visit the Blessed Sacrament. …Even if you are not Catholic spent time in prayer Jesus will lead you.
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Thanks graciesuico!

Flyingfish,
the context of the pure comment was an office party. My drunk coworker was talking dirty and then he looked at me and made the comment and I simply replied “I’m not fragile, you know.” I took his comment to be a part put-down, part apology. I avoid political and moral topics in conversation and I don’t judge others. People figure out that I’m ‘religious’ because I don’t swear, don’t drink and I go to church.
 
legaleagle: Do you have very many (good, but not intimate) male friends? If so, do you know of any particular reason why they wouldn’t want to date you?

I’m a single guy, and personally, I wouldn’t consider marrying a girl unless I first felt drawn to a friendship with her – friendship is an important part of marriage.

I’ve have a number of female friends over the years, but all have them have either been way younger than me, way older than me, discerning a religious vocation, or have otherwise made it clear that they are not open to dating anyone. For this reason, I’m still single.
 
legaleagle said:
Thanks graciesuico!

Flyingfish,
the context of the pure comment was an office party. My drunk coworker was talking dirty and then he looked at me and made the comment and I simply replied “I’m not fragile, you know.” I took his comment to be a part put-down, part apology. I avoid political and moral topics in conversation and I don’t judge others. People figure out that I’m ‘religious’ because I don’t swear, don’t drink and I go to church.
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I don’t know. The way you describe yourself does sound like you are very perfect. And yet men don’t ask you out. In my view this means that something is wrong with your description of yourself.

I don’t mean to insult you in any way, but you made this post to ask for help with dating. You need to find out what about you turns men off. Maybe you should consider talking to a psychologist to see if this “thing” can be identified and you can change it.

I don’t think you should attribute your lack of dating to your Catholic beliefs. It is a cop out, and it won’t help you get dates. There are plenty of conservative Catholics (and other conservative religious people) who have partners.

Consider the possibility that you are not the perfect person you describe, and try honestly to find out what’s wrong.
 
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