Perpetually single

[legaleagle]

I don’t mean to insult you in any way, but you made this post to ask for help with dating. You need to find out what about you turns men off. Maybe you should consider talking to a psychologist to see if this “thing” can be identified and you can change it.

Lol, I don’t need a psychologist. I posted on here because I’m honestly wondering if God has purposely shielded me from men. What that purpose is, I don’t know. I’m just wondering if the right guy is around the corner, and God wanted to spare me from baggage from other relationships. I never claimed to be perfect. I merely explained that I’m decent-looking and well-liked. Incidentally, I have a Christian female friend who is also experiencing the same problem as me, except she’s a bit younger (25) and she too would be considered pretty, smart, etc, etc.

ack,
I have a couple of close male friends and one’s divorced and non-religious (otherwise I’d be very, very interested in him). I guess the point is that my social circle doesn’t include many conservative Christians.

 

[Emily2009]

I think some of the responses were kind of mean.

Legaleagle–maybe you’re just still waiting for the right guy. Maybe taking off your rose-colored glasses would help; but, maybe it’s not you at all. Maybe, you’re just very very special and the very special guy to go with you has not made his way to your doorstep, yet.

Or, perhaps,…you’re meant to me single forever. Whichever way, I hope you’re happy.

 

[ack]

I don’t know. The way you describe yourself does sound like you are very perfect. And yet men don’t ask you out. In my view this means that something is wrong with your description of yourself.

This is a little ridiculous – a man and a woman could be objectively perfect in every way, but if they aren’t a good match for each other, they might not be inclined to date. Choosing a partner isn’t just about finding someone who’s objectively perfect; it’s also about finding someone who subjectively appeals to you.

I guess the point is that my social circle doesn’t include many conservative Christians.

If this is the case, I think you’ve found your problem. Men who aren’t religiously minded will surely sense your religious character and turn away for one reason or another. If you put yourself in contact with more religious people, I think it’s much more likely that you’ll get more consideration from men.

Although I dislike the saying that dating is “a numbers game” (because I hate to use the word “game” in this context), there is some truth to it.

 

[CountrySinger]

I feel your pain! All I want is someone to love me. I try to fill the desire with tons of activites at church: choir, leading youth group, teaching religious education, Social Justice commitee, assisting with Young Adults activities, daily mass, etc. The point is to exhaust myself to the point I can’t dwell on the lonliness anymore. I’ll gladly take on any project, it keeps me out of trouble, lol.
I wouldn’t describe myself as a “catch”, but married friends wonder why I’m not married. Unlike most people, I wouldn’t be happy to be single the rest of my life. It’s hard to meet a single Catholic guy. I went on a date, but afterwards, I found out that he was married, yikes! Most of the men I meet are through the women at my church (sons, grandsons, etc.).

 

[Jay82]

As I read all your comments, I’m starting to wonder if I’ve figured it out: the one vibe that I do give off is that I’m very ‘religious’ and devout. Just last week one guy told me: you’re so ____ pure (I won’t type the expletive in the blank). I take that as a compliment, but I don’t know if it was intended as one. I don’t flaunt my religion or anything like that.

Liberanosamalo,
I agree with you - - I won’t settle.

I can relate to your situation to some extent. I actually get called ‘too pure’ quite a lot guys and girls I know. They joke about how they should ‘corrupt me’. I just feel like I exhibit strong morals/good character, but I guess people expect less from those in their 20s.

Anyway, don’t worry about having not dated really. I don’t think that would turn guys off. I have limited dating experience and wouldn’t mind meeting a girl with similar or less experience. It is all about what type of person you are and how you connect with someone else, not how many dates you’ve been on or relationships you have had. You sound like a good person based on your description and from what I have seen, all the desirable guys/girls I know end up with a great significant other, sometimes it just takes longer than we want, but once you meet ‘the one’ it will make the wait completely worth it.

Just to reiterate what others have said - put yourself out there (like you say you do). Participate in things where you will be likely to meet the type of guys you are looking for. Network through friends to see if they know any desirable single guys, etc. And most importantly, just live your life happily and be the best person your can. People can easily detect happiness, well being, confidence, etc in another person and it will draw them to you, thus, increasing your chances of finding a great guy. Heck, maybe you don’t find someone right away, but maybe you’ll make a couple good friends in the process, which isn’t all that bad.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Don’t mean to rain on your parade, but no one warned me about the silver-tongued virgin chaser who would consider your “purity” to be “amazing” and “don’t let anyone say anything bad about that!” They will reel you in. Because that’s all they want from you. I married mine because heck, he seemed to really care about me.

Now I’m fighting for custody with him over a teenage daughter and he’s still making me doubt the very love of God.

Beware of the guy who seems TOO impressed by your purity. Without having any of his own to offer.

 

[Cajun_Girl]

Will it make you feel any better if I tell you that I have two beautiful, smart, sweet, holy friends in their early 30s who haven’t dated a whole lot either? I wonder all the time why I’m married when they are not. Surely, all men must be insane for avoiding them as if they have the plague when they were clearly made to be lovely wives and mothers!

Don’t think for a moment that you’re doing something wrong. I remember the time that I worked at a minimum-wage job with lots of people my age who were, well, quite secular. I never once brought up the topic of my faith, but they could tell that I was different from them. Many of them approached me with questions about my views of God and sexuality. Several of the guys were attracted to me, but it was clear that they were confused, even terrified, by the fact that I wasn’t sexually active.

I graduated from college with honors but had no job experience. I was amazed that I couldn’t find any work for a long time, and once I was even told that I was overqualified. I never imagined that my greatest asset, my intelligence, would count against me! It’s the same in the dating world. Your purity is a great asset, but it may possibly be scaring people who were never taught that this is a wonderful thing.

My solution was to get a job in the Bible Belt. I no longer stood out anymore and sometimes missed being a witness to the faith. However, a single man working in the same building noticed me and saw my qualities as positive. It’s possible that you too will not find someone who appreciates you until you surround yourself with people of faith.

I have to disagree with a few previous comments. My sweetie was almost 38 when I married him, and I couldn’t imagine a better husband. Just to throw that out.

And Libero is right–a pure man will not make a huge deal out of your purity. It is a minimum requirement for him, not his highest standard.

 

[whatevergirl]

*Hi legal;

I think it is natural to question this…but, in thinking about how you describe your situation, it could be as simple as…you appear very happy and confident being single. And that is a good thing! But, men might misread that as you are not approachable. Yeah, sometimes men read things we women don’t mean them to read.

I think men and women communicate without using words sometimes…sort of like a hidden code that God put within us, when He created us. If you would like to get married, if you have prayed about it, and feel God calling you to that…maybe start a singles group at your parish or something…I got married young, right out of college, so I don’t know much about dating sites, except that many here find them to be favorable, overall. But, don’t despair…we are to be at peace with whereever God places us, and maybe you are to be single forever…maybe you are to seek religious life…maybe you are to meet a man who will become your husband. Keep your ear closely to God and He will give you the right answer.

But, also, think about maybe how you come across. Like if you really find a man attractive, who might be showing interest to you, show interest back. Men typically don’t approach women they feel are not interested in dating, in general. So, maybe try that?

But…I echo Liberano…never ever settle. There is nothing wrong with you, you are a blessed child of God…always remember that. God bless!*

 

[Joe_5859]

People figure out that I’m ‘religious’ because I don’t swear, don’t drink and I go to church.

Often, that’s all it takes. In my first two years of college, I never talked about religion with my dormmates. But simply because I refused to swear, smoke, drink, or talk about women like objects, and because I went to Mass every Sunday, they had me pegged for being “ultra”-religious. It’s kind of ironic because, at that time in my life, I was more or less going through the motions in regards to my faith.

I don’t know. The way you describe yourself does sound like you are very perfect. And yet men don’t ask you out. In my view this means that something is wrong with your description of yourself.

I don’t mean to insult you in any way, but you made this post to ask for help with dating. You need to find out what about you turns men off. Maybe you should consider talking to a psychologist to see if this “thing” can be identified and you can change it.

I don’t think you should attribute your lack of dating to your Catholic beliefs. It is a cop out, and it won’t help you get dates. There are plenty of conservative Catholics (and other conservative religious people) who have partners.

Consider the possibility that you are not the perfect person you describe, and try honestly to find out what’s wrong.

I know you don’t mean to insult, but dang!

I think the prevailing cultural sentiment that there must be something “wrong” with a single woman over 30 is what many of us are trying to work against in this thread. Many times, there really isn’t something wrong.

I don’t think the OP should have to change who she is to attract a man. I have several family member who have taken that course of action and have ended up with less than desireable husbands. I wouldn’t wish that on any one!

 

[whatevergirl]

*I agree, Joe…no one should change their core personality to attract someone. I think that it’s very hard in our culture to find men and women who appreciate holiness in a person. I also had a friend who would ‘dumb herself down’ so she didn’t put off men who told her she ‘is too smart.’ She also married a real gem. When men tell a woman…“you’re too smart,” I tell them…run like the wind away from them. Being smart is a GOOD thing, not something to hide.

I suggest the singles group at her parish, because then hopefully, she might meet like-minded Catholic men who would appreciate her qualities.

Good luck to you legaleagle! *

 

[bgic]

Regarding being single: Better to be single than to have settled and live with regret of marrying the wrong person…Yes, I am speaking from experience.

 

[Joe_5859]

When men tell a woman…“you’re too smart,” I tell them…run like the wind away from them. Being smart is a GOOD thing, not something to hide.

Exactly! I am thankful that I married a smart woman. How boring my life would be othwerwise.

 

[Angels_Heart]

I am in my middle 30’s ,never dated ,never kissed ,didn’t even go to prom . I too am still looking for Mr. Right .I have faith that I will find him .

 

[legaleagle]

Wow, interesting and informative responses! Thanks for all your encouragement and support. I will try and write more later as work is crazy-busy at the moment. God bless you all.

 

[flyingfish]

I posted on here because I’m honestly wondering if God has purposely shielded me from men.

To be honest I don’t know how this can be possible. God does not interfere with human free will, and allows people to do as we will even in extreme cases like the unspeakable evils committed by the likes of Hitler.

So when you say God has purposely shielded you from men, are you saying that God interfered with their free will so that they don’t come near you and ask you out?

Since you do want a relationship, I don’t see the point of this kind of thinking. In a way it attempts to justify your current situation in terms of God’s plan, makes you feel at peace with it, and prevents you from trying to find things to change about yourself.

And I agree with Joe who said that women generally shouldn’t change just to find men. BUT in this case, the OP said she desperately wants a relationship, and that she even asked a guy out to try to achieve this.

I guess the point to consider is: is your goal to find a partner, or to feel at peace with being single by seeing it as a part of God’s greater plan? If it’s the latter, then ignore me, but if the ultimate goal is to marry and have a family then you should pursue all possible avenues even seeing a psychologist to find out what about your attitude or behavior might be preventing men from pursuing you.

Men usually pursue attractive women who are well off in life. So unless you are always wearing a t-shirt that says “I am a conservative Catholic, and I will not even kiss you before marriage” I don’t see why your beliefs would be offputting. And even then, there are plenty of religious people around.

–

And I realize I might sound mean, but that is really not my intention. It just seems to me like you really want a relationship, and while it might be unpleasant and even painful to consider that something might be off about you and your behavior. It’s better to realize and correct it if it exists and find a husband (since you said this is what you want), then to remain single and try to feel better by thinking that this is what God wants.

 

[whatevergirl]

To be honest I don’t know how this can be possible. God does not interfere with human free will, and allows people to do as we will even in extreme cases like the unspeakable evils committed by the likes of Hitler.

So when you say God has purposely shielded you from men, are you saying that God interfered with their free will so that they don’t come near you and ask you out?

Since you do want a relationship, I don’t see the point of this kind of thinking. In a way it attempts to justify your current situation in terms of God’s plan, makes you feel at peace with it, and prevents you from trying to find things to change about yourself.

And I agree with Joe who said that women generally shouldn’t change just to find men. BUT in this case, the OP said she desperately wants a relationship, and that she even asked a guy out to try to achieve this.

I guess the point to consider is: is your goal to find a partner, or to feel at peace with being single by seeing it as a part of God’s greater plan? If it’s the latter, then ignore me, but if the ultimate goal is to marry and have a family then you should pursue all possible avenues even seeing a psychologist to find out what about your attitude or behavior might be preventing men from pursuing you.

Men usually pursue attractive women who are well off in life. So unless you are always wearing a t-shirt that says “I am a conservative Catholic, and I will not even kiss you before marriage” I don’t see why your beliefs would be offputting. And even then, there are plenty of religious people around.

–

And I realize I might sound mean, but that is really not my intention. It just seems to me like you really want a relationship, and while it might be unpleasant and even painful to consider that something might be off about you and your behavior. It’s better to realize and correct it if it exists and find a husband (since you said this is what you want), then to remain single and try to feel better by thinking that this is what God wants.

*I don’t think she is ‘desperate.’ I think she is just laying some details out of who she is, or has been perceived she is by others, in an attempt to ask…why am I not with anyone?

She’s thinking out loud, so to speak. That’s all. But, I can somewhat see your point, in the sense that…maybe we need to take an inventory of ourselves once in a while, to see why certain results in life, are not happening for us. I have been guilty of doing the same things over and over again, but expecting a different result. Like housecleaning. I don’t do it, but expect the house to be clean.

 

[Norseman82]

I think the prevailing cultural sentiment that there must be something “wrong” with a single woman over 30 is what many of us are trying to work against in this thread. Many times, there really isn’t something wrong.

And yet, look what you are saying about older single men here:

So, no, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you. Now, a single guy in his 30s or 40s is another story. (Not that there aren’t exceptions. There are!)

I guess, simply put, an older single guy is often still single because of some personality defect. An older single girl can still be single, not due to any defect of her own but simply because no guy has pursued her.

http://wasteddomain.com/gallery/d/568-1/picard-sigh.jpg

The bottom line is this: trying to find a compatible, faithful Catholic spouse is extremely hard. I believe it was Mary Beth Bonacci who authored an online article in which she said something to the effect that most of us have a vocation of marriage (not surprising, since CCC 1603 states that the vocation to marriage is written into our very nature, so this is probably the closest thing to a “default” vocation), but we may not be able to achieve it because the “dating pool” has been “poisoned” by sin (particularly promiscuity, in my observation). And it appears that in this case she hit the nail right on the head, as legaleagle has mentioned her high moral standards. And you know what? The same thing happends to guys as well.

Unless you are saying that not compromising one’s moral standards is a “personality defect”, in which case I proudly plead “guilty”.

Then, too there is the brainwashing we are hearing about “single vocation” and how we need to accept being single before being able to be married and all that other nonsense. Not only do many people get taken in by it, but it has a negative effect on people, especially the men who are expected to pursue (especially if one is shy and is finally able to come out of his “shell” only to be pushed back in by this nonsense).

 

[chevalier]

Hi, Counsel. Puzzling as it is, sometimes dashing, imperious, brilliant and all-round dazzling lawyers end up single.

 

[whatevergirl]

And yet, look what you are saying about older single men here:

http://wasteddomain.com/gallery/d/568-1/picard-sigh.jpg

The bottom line is this: trying to find a compatible, faithful Catholic spouse is extremely hard. I believe it was Mary Beth Bonacci who authored an online article in which she said something to the effect that most of us have a vocation of marriage (not surprising, since CCC 1603 states that the vocation to marriage is written into our very nature, so this is probably the closest thing to a “default” vocation), but we may not be able to achieve it because the “dating pool” has been “poisoned” by sin (particularly promiscuity, in my observation). And it appears that in this case she hit the nail right on the head, as legaleagle has mentioned her high moral standards. And you know what? The same thing happends to guys as well.

Unless you are saying that not compromising one’s moral standards is a “personality defect”, in which case I proudly plead “guilty”.

Then, too there is the brainwashing we are hearing about “single vocation” and how we need to accept being single before being able to be married and all that other nonsense. Not only do many people get taken in by it, but it has a negative effect on people, especially the men who are expected to pursue (especially if one is shy and is finally able to come out of his “shell” only to be pushed back in by this nonsense).

*It’s important to have high standards, but sometimes you make it sound like those of us who were virgins prior to marriage, who married men/women who were not virgins, somehow settled. It’s not the first time I have read your posts on this, and as you don’t like being made to feel a certain way about your situation, please know that those of us who married people who made mistakes in their pasts and chose to not hold that against them, didn’t compromise our standards. *

 

[whatevergirl]

legaleagle, praying for you. I hope that you meet someone special, soon. :hug1: