Perpetually single

[legaleagle]

legaleagle, praying for you. I hope that you meet someone special, soon. :hug1:

Thanks very much, whatevergirl. I appreciate it!

Then, too there is the brainwashing we are hearing about “single vocation” and how we need to accept being single before being able to be married and all that other nonsense. Not only do many people get taken in by it, but it has a negative effect on people, especially the men who are expected to pursue (especially if one is shy and is finally able to come out of his “shell” only to be pushed back in by this nonsense).

You know, when I originally posted, I was worrying about that vocation. I do have an admission to make, I want a husband but I’ve never really had any desire to have children. I should point out that I’m against contraception and would never consider using them. I get along well with children, but I can’t imagine myself being a mother.

So when you say God has purposely shielded you from men, are you saying that God interfered with their free will so that they don’t come near you and ask you out?

I’m not in need of psychological help just because I can’t get a date. When I pondered if God was shielding men from me, I meant average, non-religious men. Statistically, I should’ve been asked out numerous times in my life and I’m just curious why that hasn’t happened. I wouldn’t go out with a non-Christian anyway, but I was just thinking out loud. Unfortunately, in my circle, there aren’t plenty of genuinely religious people around.

If this is the case, I think you’ve found your problem. Men who aren’t religiously minded will surely sense your religious character and turn away for one reason or another. If you put yourself in contact with more religious people, I think it’s much more likely that you’ll get more consideration from men.

You hit the nail on the head. I suppose the wild partying types would sense that I wouldn’t be interested.

I can relate to your situation to some extent. I actually get called ‘too pure’ quite a lot guys and girls I know. They joke about how they should ‘corrupt me’. I just feel like I exhibit strong morals/good character, but I guess people expect less from those in their 20s.

Anyway, don’t worry about having not dated really. I don’t think that would turn guys off. I have limited dating experience and wouldn’t mind meeting a girl with similar or less experience. It is all about what type of person you are and how you connect with someone else, not how many dates you’ve been on or relationships you have had. You sound like a good person based on your description and from what I have seen, all the desirable guys/girls I know end up with a great significant other, sometimes it just takes longer than we want, but once you meet ‘the one’ it will make the wait completely worth it.

Just to reiterate what others have said - put yourself out there (like you say you do). Participate in things where you will be likely to meet the type of guys you are looking for. Network through friends to see if they know any desirable single guys, etc. And most importantly, just live your life happily and be the best person your can. People can easily detect happiness, well being, confidence, etc in another person and it will draw them to you, thus, increasing your chances of finding a great guy. Heck, maybe you don’t find someone right away, but maybe you’ll make a couple good friends in the process, which isn’t all that bad.

Thanks, Jay.

Will it make you feel any better if I tell you that I have two beautiful, smart, sweet, holy friends in their early 30s who haven’t dated a whole lot either? I wonder all the time why I’m married when they are not. Surely, all men must be insane for avoiding them as if they have the plague when they were clearly made to be lovely wives and mothers!

You know, of the moral, Christian people that I do know, most of them are already married. My single female friend lent me a Protestant book about women who can’t find husbands, but it was depressing - - too much compromise and settling.

Thanks for all your responses and to those of you who wrote that you’re also looking for love, God bless you and keep praying.

 

[Rascalking]

*It’s important to have high standards, but sometimes you make it sound like those of us who were virgins prior to marriage, who married men/women who were not virgins, somehow settled. It’s not the first time I have read your posts on this, and as you don’t like being made to feel a certain way about your situation, please know that those of us who married people who made mistakes in their pasts and chose to not hold that against them, didn’t compromise our standards. *

You hit the ball out of the park with this one!

Some of us haven’t gotten from A—B without some detours. Let’s remember not to judge those who have a wild past.

 

[havana1]

I think it’s very difficult to find a Catholic spouse because “being single” isn’t a sacrament. You can call it a “vocation,” you can make us single people feel special with all sorts of words and rationalizations, but the fact of the matter is Catholic parishes can exist without the benefit of singles - and, as such, because (a.) being single isn’t a sacrament, and (b.) the married couples and families are more sacrament-bound (baptism, marriage, etc.), the end result is a Catholic “culture” that takes singles for granted and then blames them when they’re not married by the time they’re 35.

Please don’t tell us it’s a vocation. Please don’t tell us there’s someone out there for us when you don’t have evidence of it, and try to raise our expectations, only for those expectations to be crushed when what you promised us doesn’t materialize. Those not-very-encouraging words can be true in some cases, but they can also be untrue in other cases.

I’m beginning to think dioceses should have “singles parishes” like how the Mormons have “single wards.” (I live in very-LDS Arizona and I’m not making that up: There really are “singles-only” wards for single Mormons to attend so they’re not excluded from the activities of the regular, family-oriented wards.)

If being single is a vocation, then treat us like it…is that too much to ask? Please don’t say, “Gee, sucks to be you…but, hey, it’s a vocation, and you should be thankful.” If being single really is a vocation, then why are singles treated like second-class citizens? That doesn’t sound like a vocation anyone would want to be “called” to…

 

[flyingfish]

I’m not in need of psychological help just because I can’t get a date. When I pondered if God was shielding men from me, I meant average, non-religious men. Statistically, I should’ve been asked out numerous times in my life and I’m just curious why that hasn’t happened. I wouldn’t go out with a non-Christian anyway, but I was just thinking out loud. Unfortunately, in my circle, there aren’t plenty of genuinely religious people around.

I’m not saying that you need psychological help because you can’t get a date. I’m sorry if it came across that way.

I just suggested that since you want to get a date, and are wondering why you’re not being asked out, then consulting someone who has a lot of experience with people and knowledge about human nature and relationships might help you to understand why you’re not being asked out and to achieve the goal of getting dates. (Someone like that could give you better advice than anyone online ever could.)

 

[CountrySinger]

I think it’s very difficult to find a Catholic spouse because “being single” isn’t a sacrament. You can call it a “vocation,” you can make us single people feel special with all sorts of words and rationalizations, but the fact of the matter is Catholic parishes can exist without the benefit of singles - and, as such, because (a.) being single isn’t a sacrament, and (b.) the married couples and families are more sacrament-bound (baptism, marriage, etc.), the end result is a Catholic “culture” that takes singles for granted and then blames them when they’re not married by the time they’re 35.

Please don’t tell us it’s a vocation. Please don’t tell us there’s someone out there for us when you don’t have evidence of it, and try to raise our expectations, only for those expectations to be crushed when what you promised us doesn’t materialize. Those not-very-encouraging words can be true in some cases, but they can also be untrue in other cases.

I’m beginning to think dioceses should have “singles parishes” like how the Mormons have “single wards.” (I live in very-LDS Arizona and I’m not making that up: There really are “singles-only” wards for single Mormons to attend so they’re not excluded from the activities of the regular, family-oriented wards.)

If being single is a vocation, then treat us like it…is that too much to ask? Please don’t say, “Gee, sucks to be you…but, hey, it’s a vocation, and you should be thankful.” If being single really is a vocation, then why are singles treated like second-class citizens? That doesn’t sound like a vocation anyone would want to be “called” to…

This past Sunday, I went to Mass with a guy (who is my best friend), and people treated me soo much better. Like they had finally figured me out. And the irony is the guy is gay! But in their eyes, I was in a pair, and was now worthy to board the ark.
Also legaleagle, I with you on the wanting to be married but not wanting children. I volunteer with children, and I love them. But I love that they get to go home at the end of the day. I think that is why God made me infetile (to protect the world).

 

[Splinter]

Anyway, am I weird for being perpetually single (I guess that part that makes me think I’m weird is that I’ve never dated)?

I think you are not the one of the kind. I suggest you should visit some online dating website.

There is an exciting, new Christian dating website for singles interested in finding their soulmate. JCMATCH is a Christian internet dating website designed to help single women and single men find love. The website gives Christian singles the opportunity to find a date and form Christian relationships. The Christian personals include local singles from all across the country looking for love through Christian online dating.

 

[havana1]

I think you are not the one of the kind. I suggest you should visit some online dating website.

There is an exciting, new Christian dating website for singles interested in finding their soulmate. JCMATCH is a Christian internet dating website designed to help single women and single men find love. The website gives Christian singles the opportunity to find a date and form Christian relationships. The Christian personals include local singles from all across the country looking for love through Christian online dating.

That’s got the Jack in The Box fishie symbol on it. Is it a Catholic web site or a “fundamentalist” Protestant web site? I’m probably not too compatible with women who read the Book of Genesis as a science textbook.

 

[Joe_5859]

And yet, look what you are saying about older single men here:

Wow, I could have just gotten the head-smacking smily doh2, but instead I get a fun Star Trek picture. I feel special.

I didn’t mean to offend. I’ve been a bit flip in this thread probably because the OP is a female asking about this topic. One of my good friends (who stood up in my wedding) is 38 and still single. He’s a great Catholic guy and perfectly normal. So I know that my own comments are not always true.

I guess I should stop myself from speaking in generalities, even in jest. Sorry about that.

 

[jenlovesyu]

What I have to say probably wont help much but I do want to let you know that I am praying for you

I am single, so in that way we are similar, but i’m only 19 and I am expecting a baby in November

I guess I really just wanted to commend you for not settling and for holding onto good morals for all this time. Remember that God is very pleased with you for that. You may be frustrated now about being single but hey, it is better to not have dated at all than to have dated and gotten yourself into some trouble (like I have). But don’t think for a second I am referring to my baby as “trouble,” if anything this little guy is a complete blessing. He’s already changed my life in so many (good) ways and he’s not even done cookin’ yet! Or should I say GOD has changed my life in so many ways, after all He gave me this sweet little bundle of joy.

Okay I’ll stop obsessing over that lol but I also wanted to say, in regards to children, that I think things become very different when it comes to having our own children versus watching or working with other children. I love my nieces don’t get me wrong, but sometimes when I am babysitting them I start counting down the hours until their mom gets home I think if, God willing, you were to have your own children, you might view them a little differently than other people’s kids. But who knows, everyone is different and God has a plan for all of us. Just remember that God’s plan is better for us than any plan we might come up with

Take care & God bless

 

[iluvmybabies]

Hello!! You sound like one of my friends…She’s 30 and can’t settle down…She loves being independent and thinking that she has to submit to a man it literally ticks her off…She has been asked out by men before, and only because we were out in a bar several years ago and she was very uninterested…lol…So this older guy went up to her and was like trying to start a conversation while she was outside smoking a cigarette!! LOL She like blew him off, literally!! I was like “woman!” She was like what?! lol…one time she was so drunk she told me she loved me and the reason she couldn’t get with a man was because she thought she was a lesbian!! LOL I told her it was the alcohol talking and I told her that if she was a lesbian she would be checking out women and not men!! LOL

She tried dating once, when she was younger, and he opened the door for her and she freaked out and walked out on him!!! I don’t know…lol…I think she met someone she might be interested in, we’ll see how that goes… I do pray for her that she finds a good man because she is a good woman, and very loving and kind once you get to know her…lol…

And she’s so desperate to find a mate but she always pushes them away when they make her feel as if they are “manipulating” her!!! I don’t know where she gets it from! LOL

So don’t worry if that’s the path GOD has chosen for you, believe me you will find that man that sweeps you off your feet and you will have a great husband! God bless…keep the hope high dear and don’t stop praying!!!

 

[CountrySinger]

I love being the cool aunt to my nieces and nephews (18, 12, 5, 2, and not born yet). Since I don’t have kids of my own, I tend to be on the fun side (their parents are buzz kills). And the older ones feel like they can talk to me about anything. But the best part of it is if they act up, back home they go. The eighteen year old’s parents wouldn’t get him an I-pod for Christmas, so I got him one. He can’t stand his parents, but he loves me.
Pregnancy never was something I wanted to do. Pictures of babies in utero creep me out, they look like aliens. And childbirth, forget it. I’ve was in the room when my best friend gave birth (husband was gone), and it traumatized me. NO THANK YOU. Lol. I was in the corner puking.

 

[Magickman]

Most of the perpetually single people are lacking in certain social skills.

The lack of social skills is not a moral or personality defect. It is merely some things that have not yet been learned.

It should be a signal, if marriage seeking men or women reach their thirties, without ever having a date. The signal is that it is time to wake up and take some action.

Friendly casual conversation is one social skill. Dancing and popular culture are others. Flirting, too.

Marriage seekers need to make an effort to meet other singles, and to be open and friendly.

If you are smart and attractive, which not all of us are, those are advantages. But more important is positive attitude.

Perpetual singledom is usually not truly perpetual. But we have to get proactive and break out of the rut.

Otherwise, you could find yourself at age sixty, and still single.

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I’m not sure if this is the right forum, but I’d like some insight if anyone is willing to provide some. I’m in my early 30’s, I’m pretty, smart, successful, respected by my peers, popular and funny - - yet I’m single. I’m embarrassed to admit this, but I’ve never even been on a date!!!

Since I was a child, I’ve been interested in guys and I always had crushes on guys in my schools/college/etc. I desperately want a husband and yet it eludes me. My mother always says that God is saving me for some special guy. But, I don’t quite see the logic of that. I haven’t even been on a date or anything to prepare for a special guy. I should add that I’m not yet a Catholic (probably will become one soon) but I’ve been a Christian since childhood and one reason I probably have been single is because of my high moral standards. I’m also wondering (and hoping) that maybe I’ve been single because God was waiting for me to come to the Catholic Church and it would’ve been complicated if I had ended up with a Protestant guy first.

Anyway, am I weird for being perpetually single (I guess that part that makes me think I’m weird is that I’ve never dated)? I don’t understand why guys don’t ask me out. I got so desperate that I even asked a man out this summer (he declined, but there’s a long story there). I would understand it if I weren’t attractive, etc, but I honestly am. Is there such a thing as God shielding me from guys because He has something planned for me?

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[legaleagle]

What I have to say probably wont help much but I do want to let you know that I am praying for you

Thanks for your prayers and congrats on the little bundle of joy that’s soon to arrive! God bless you both!

Magickman wrote:

Most of the perpetually single people are lacking in certain social skills.

The lack of social skills is not a moral or personality defect. It is merely some things that have not yet been learned.

It should be a signal, if marriage seeking men or women reach their thirties, without ever having a date. The signal is that it is time to wake up and take some action.

Friendly casual conversation is one social skill. Dancing and popular culture are others. Flirting, too.

Okay, just to speak for myself, I am not lacking social skills or anything. If I were hideous- looking, or anti-social or just plain weird, I wouldn’t have posted my original question. The reason I’m perplexed is because I am a normal, decent person with friends who gets along well with men – I even flirt once in awhile. Whatever. I guess on further reflection, I am very choosey and haven’t met too many guys over the years that I’d really want to date. Most of them were taken. I’ve been attracted to tons of men but they weren’t Christian at all so that’s where I’m at. I’m not planning online dating any time soon as I’m not comfortable with the whole process.

Thanks everyone.

 

[flyingfish]

Okay, just to speak for myself, I am not lacking social skills or anything. If I were hideous- looking, or anti-social or just plain weird, I wouldn’t have posted my original question. The reason I’m perplexed is because I am a normal, decent person with friends who gets along well with men – I even flirt once in awhile. Whatever. I guess on further reflection, I am very choosey and haven’t met too many guys over the years that I’d really want to date. Most of them were taken. I’ve been attracted to tons of men but they weren’t Christian at all so that’s where I’m at. I’m not planning online dating any time soon as I’m not comfortable with the whole process.

Thanks everyone.

Most people would accept the possibility that something is wrong with them or their approach to life, and that they might be an inaccurate judge of themselves.

You seem to be extremely reluctant to even consider the possibility that something needs changing, much less making the actual changes.

While you are of course free to think this way, I don’t see how this will achieve anything except maintaining the status quo (which you have already said you don’t like).

 

[Angels_Unaware]

I guess on further reflection, I am very choosey and haven’t met too many guys over the years that I’d really want to date. Most of them were taken.

I’m not planning online dating any time soon as I’m not comfortable with the whole process.

Why?

 

[LilyM]

*Hi legal;

I think it is natural to question this…but, in thinking about how you describe your situation, it could be as simple as…you appear very happy and confident being single. And that is a good thing! But, men might misread that as you are not approachable. Yeah, sometimes men read things we women don’t mean them to read. *

I think we might have hit the nail on the head with this one … someone who truly sees you as intelligent, good-looking (plus financially secure, which lawyers tend to be) and confident will be wondering
a) how they could measure up to you (since rightly or wrongly they’ll assume someone like you has extremely high standards) or
b) what they could possibly have to offer you since you already seem so well-set up in life (guys like to be needed at times, just as girls do) …

for that matter they might just assume that you are happy as you are. After all, the majority of super-intelligent, super-good-looking and super-confident single guys seem to be content to stay that way, and so do an ever-increasing number of women.

But, also, think about maybe how you come across. Like if you really find a man attractive, who might be showing interest to you, show interest back. Men typically don’t approach women they feel are not interested in dating, in general. So, maybe try that?

 

[havana1]

Most of the perpetually single people are lacking in certain social skills.

The lack of social skills is not a moral or personality defect. It is merely some things that have not yet been learned.

Would those be the same “certain social skills” that lead to so many divorces and annulments? I say the perpetually single Catholics already have all the correct social skills and it’s our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ who need to “learn” we’re still here.

“The lack of social skills” in our culture, sadly, is blatant euphemism for virgin and chaste (if you want to read between the lines.) So, I am glad to say I lack some of those skills and have no desire to learn, either.

 

[flyingfish]

Would those be the same “certain social skills” that lead to so many divorces and annulments? I say the perpetually single Catholics already have all the correct social skills and it’s our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ who need to “learn” we’re still here.

“The lack of social skills” in our culture, sadly, is blatant euphemism for virgin and chaste (if you want to read between the lines.) So, I am glad to say I lack some of those skills and have no desire to learn, either.

There is a difference between someone who doesn’t want a relationship and doesn’t have one, and someone who wants one and doesn’t have one.

If you want one, have wanted one, but have never had one, time to change your behavior. This doesn’t mean become promiscuous, it might mean changing where you look for partners, how you present yourself, how you talk to people, how you look, how you dress, and so on.

 

[Angels_Unaware]

“The lack of social skills” in our culture, sadly, is blatant euphemism for virgin and chaste (if you want to read between the lines.) So, I am glad to say I lack some of those skills and have no desire to learn, either.

No, not at all. This is entirely untrue. How many priests do you know with poor social skills? Ok, well, maybe some, but many are very much people people.

Lack of social skills is one thing, but that’s not even necessarily the problem. You can have excellent social skills and simply avoid relationships by being unwittingly unattracted to available men, attracted to unavailable men, and have no luck with everyone you meet in person but still refuse to place yourself in a courting or dating scene. In that case the problem is your subconscious avoidance.

 

[chevalier]

Most of the perpetually single people are lacking in certain social skills.

Yeah. I have the general social skills of a propaganda wiz but a difficulty relating and a difficulty coexisting with people.

Besides, certain social skills can actually narrow down the field for you because you avoid most of the relationship that would probably fail, i.e. you see early problems which could arise later. Or, if you believe in a particular form of social courtesy or problem-solving, it may be difficult to get along with someone who doesn’t.

Friendly casual conversation is one social skill. Dancing and popular culture are others. Flirting, too.

Definitely, but flirting alone is worth nothing and methods of developing that skill are generally questionable.

Marriage seekers need to make an effort to meet other singles, and to be open and friendly.

And lone rangers have a difficulty being open. Yeah.

If you are smart and attractive, which not all of us are, those are advantages. But more important is positive attitude.

Spot on. Healthy people that don’t have a problem will rarely want to get involved with someone who looks like he does have one.

There is a difference between someone who doesn’t want a relationship and doesn’t have one, and someone who wants one and doesn’t have one.

If you want one, have wanted one, but have never had one, time to change your behavior. This doesn’t mean become promiscuous, it might mean changing where you look for partners, how you present yourself, how you talk to people, how you look, how you dress, and so on.

While looking at the form, do not forget the substance, i.e. that presentation is not only the craft but also the content. In some cases, certain personality traits or other things of the kind will make it difficult to find a partner. Some people are hard to find a match for.

No, not at all. This is entirely untrue. How many priests do you know with poor social skills? Ok, well, maybe some, but many are very much people people.

Priests are single by choice.

Lack of social skills is one thing, but that’s not even necessarily the problem. You can have excellent social skills and simply avoid relationships by being unwittingly unattracted to available men, attracted to unavailable men, and have no luck with everyone you meet in person but still refuse to place yourself in a courting or dating scene. In that case the problem is your subconscious avoidance.

That’s not a problem with certain social skills, but it falls rather close. A person affected by the problem you describe has difficulties building a relationship with himself and that’s not a mile away from difficulties building a relationship in general.

Avoidance is spot on, however. People sometimes think in categories of “leagues”, i.e. they might think they aren’t in someone’s league and so they stand no chance. This leads to some people conceiving theories like very attractive people going out with very non-attractive people because only those with little to lose would try their chance anyway. Thus no other men competing, a desirable woman could start a relationship with a man not having desirable qualities or having undesirable ones.