Perpetually single

[Nec5]

I have an older brother who is fiercely protective, and he does a good job scaring the creeps away. I remember my first date in high school, my brother met him at the door holding a shotgun. I was so embarassed. The guy didn’t try anything though.
My brother has VERY high standards. He thinks I’m a princess snort, and he won’t rest till I meet a prince. I have to tell him that I will have to settle sometime.

You don’t have to settle. All you have to do is find someone you care about that shares your values. Use your brother as a tool; he will be particularly useful if you develop feelings toward the other person.

That sounds absurdly simple because it is simple. It just isn’t easy in this day and age. In fact, it’s tough as people in this thread have already mentioned. If your brother is the stereotypical ogre that won’t accept anyone, then you’ll need to explain to him that you need his help but not his club/shotgun. Explain to him that he should want to help you find a “good” guy.

 

[Norseman82]

And there are plenty of lovely women out there who are still single. Who have been single for the same amount of time. Did they ALL give you the runaround?

You’d be surprised at how things are up here in the urban North here (since you mentioned elsewhere that you are in the South).

I cannot say ALL have given me the runaround, considering that I have not met ALL of them. But I’ve experienced enough “single vocation” and criticism for seeking marriage in the first place.

 

[whatevergirl]

There’s an old adage…keep doing the same things over and over, and expecting change…is the definition of insanity. I think that’s the adage. lol If you are not having luck meeting the right women, Norseman…maybe it’s time for a radical change in your life? Move to a different city/state if possible, or do something that increases your opportunities for meeting like minded women? I don’t know…I just think that if you keep meeting the wrong kinds of women, maybe it’s time for a radical change. Just offering some food for thought.

 

[Norseman82]

My brother’s standards are this: rich, attractive, smart, likes Star Wars (he loves Star Wars), treats sister tright, has season tickets to a sports team, college educated, steady job, dresses well, is Catholic, and is straight. Like that guy exists. If I try to find a guy who fits all the criteria, no one would meet it.

I have one guy who meets the criteria, except for the last one. So we are very close friends.

As I was mentioning in another thread, we need to ask ourselves if we are using the world’s standards or God’s, so let’s break down your brother’s standards:

rich - secular standard, not God’s
attractive - depending on what is meant by attractive, could be secular
smart - neutral; general common sense and intelligence is necessary, but one does not need a PhD for that
likes Star Wars (he loves Star Wars) - not a Catholic standard
treats sister right - both secular and God’s standards
has season tickets to a sports team - is this a joke???
college educated - it is important to be able to support a family, but college eductaion is no longer a guarantee if someone in India with internet access can do the same job for 1/3 the salary
steady job - yes, one should be able to support one’s family
dresses well - same comment as “attractive”
is Catholic - yes, this is judging by God’s standards
and is straight - obviously!

 

[SeekingWisdom]

Thank you to all of those who have posted their experiences with AMS. I will never recommend that site to a single person again. It sounds as if the mixture of men who are sincerely seeking a life partner in a spirit of sacrificial love versus those who have some very flesh-based motivation for seekin a partner is no better than the mixture on Match.com. It sounds like the only difference for some men is that on Match they are looking for sexual partners with no commitment, while on AMS, middle-aged men who have already sown their wild oats are looking for a 25-year old virgin to bear children and keep house for them.

I guess I won’t be making any assumptions about where the best place to find a mate is any more. Especially since I’ve seen good marriages come out of Match.com at work.

This is cracking me up! (I’m new, here, so hi, but I have lurked here forever and a day) Many of my friends met their spouses on AMS, and I know the owner, Anthony Buono, and it’s a great site, and he’s an awesome guy to have started the site, but I have got to agree with the above about the older guys wanting the young chickies. I am currently not active there, although I have been a member for years and years. Guys, c’mon, if you are like 45, God probably isn’t going to land hot 23 year old chicky at your feet. Give the slightly older ladies a chance. And yes, there are some without baggage, at least no more baggage than the average “slightly older” man looking for a spouse. And for heaven’s sake, what could that spread in age possibly have in common?

 

[Norseman82]

There’s an old adage…keep doing the same things over and over, and expecting change…is the definition of insanity. I think that’s the adage. lol If you are not having luck meeting the right women, Norseman…maybe it’s time for a radical change in your life? Move to a different city/state if possible, or do something that increases your opportunities for meeting like minded women? I don’t know…I just think that if you keep meeting the wrong kinds of women, maybe it’s time for a radical change. Just offering some food for thought.

Well, the National Catholic Catholic Singles Conferences are where I have started to attend, and is where I thought that at last I had found someone like-minded…until she decided to enter into the formation program I had posted about previously. I guess I’m still in “icing my injury” mode.

But if the “radical change” involves compromising my faith and morals, forget it.

And with the economy the way it is, selling my house, moving elsewhere, and finding a similar job to the decent one I’ve been blessed with is probably not going to be possible.

 

[Norseman82]

, while on AMS, middle-aged men who have already sown their wild oats are looking for a 25-year old virgin to bear children and keep house for them.
.

What about the ones who have NOT sown their wild oats - you know, the “40 year old virgin” demographic that has been told constantly to be patient and stop looking?

 

[whatevergirl]

Well, the National Catholic Catholic Singles Conferences are where I have started to attend, and is where I thought that at last I had found someone like-minded…until she decided to enter into the formation program I had posted about previously. I guess I’m still in “icing my injury” mode.

Oh, that’s right…I’m sorry. Well…keep going (to the conferences)…if that seems to be where many likeminded women are…then, it’s on the right path. It’s a blessing that that exists, when you think about it!

But if the “radical change” involves compromising my faith and morals, forget it.

*Norseman, I would never suggest this. Not remotely what I was referring to. *

And with the economy the way it is, selling my house, moving elsewhere, and finding a similar job to the decent one I’ve been blessed with is probably not going to be possible.

*That’s true. I’m thinking out loud here, so cut me some slack. All I know is, if you keep doing the same things over and over again, and expect a change…it won’t happen. At some point, you have to ask yourself…what can I do differently here? I think you misread what ahollars was saying. He wasn’t saying to grow complacent…but when we let go, let God…we don’t worry about the outcome. We allow God to bring the outcome to us. So, maybe make some changes, and rely on God to bring the right person to you. *

 

[SeekingWisdom]

What about the ones who have NOT sown their wild oats - you know, the “40 year old virgin” demographic that has been told constantly to be patient and stop looking?

Hmmm, are you saying you think there ought to be an exception for 40 year old virgin males? As in, they are entitled to look for the young women? Wild oats or not, a big age difference is generally not going to work. I know there are many good women out there above the age of 35.

 

[Norseman82]

Hmmm, are you saying you think there ought to be an exception for 40 year old virgin males? As in, they are entitled to look for the young women? Wild oats or not, a big age difference is generally not going to work. I know there are many good women out there above the age of 35.

What I am saying is that not all middle-aged men are creeps. Many are middle-aged and single because they are not willing to compromise their Catholic faith/morals and they are seeking similar in a wife. And while it is hypocritical for a middle aged Catholic male to seek a virgin if they are not virgins themselves, it is NOT hypocritical if they themselves are virgins.

And although there certainly are challenges with great age differences,please keep in mind that if one wants to start a family one there are certain age restrictions.

 

[Norseman82]

*That’s true. I’m thinking out loud here, so cut me some slack. All I know is, if you keep doing the same things over and over again, and expect a change…it won’t happen. At some point, you have to ask yourself…what can I do differently here? I think you misread what ahollars was saying. He wasn’t saying to grow complacent…but when we let go, let God…we don’t worry about the outcome. We allow God to bring the outcome to us. So, maybe make some changes, and rely on God to bring the right person to you. *

I’m thinking out loud here too. But at the same time, I can ask myself what I am doing wrong (I’ve even asked feedback when rejected, but was rudely refused), but there is only so much I can do myself.

 

[JustinR]

Hmmm, are you saying you think there ought to be an exception for 40 year old virgin males? As in, they are entitled to look for the young women? Wild oats or not, a big age difference is generally not going to work. I know there are many good women out there above the age of 35.

Don’t know where the idea came up that 40 yo men are looking for 20 yo women, more the exception that the rule in my opinion. Even in my thirties I did not look at late 20s, I wanted someone closer to my age. As a guy in my mid 40s I look for late thirties to mid forties and not opposed to ones in late 40s. For all the good women you know above the age of 35, just send ONE my way, you can keep all the rest, just want one good one. LOL

As for what I did in my 20s, it was not chasing women, it was waiting for one great woman to commit, my highschool sweetheart and valedictorian of our Catholic high school, who never could take that step, we had a chaste relationship from when we were 17 yo to 29 yo, was engaged 3 different times, she called it off the second time 40 days before the wedding, for no specific reason other than she just “couldn’t”, we started courting again a few months later, a year later and after the 3rd time she called off the wedding for no reason, even with true love, I decided I had had enough. I experienced true agape love one other time, and am looking for it for the last time in my life, One that will make the distance.

 

[SeekingWisdom]

What I am saying is that not all middle-aged men are creeps. Many are middle-aged and single because they are not willing to compromise their Catholic faith/morals and they are seeking similar in a wife. And while it is hypocritical for a middle aged Catholic male to seek a virgin if they are not virgins themselves, it is NOT hypocritical if they themselves are virgins.

And although there certainly are challenges with great age differences,please keep in mind that if one wants to start a family one there are certain age restrictions.

It’s ok to come right out and say you want a young 'un, then, if that is truly what you believe God is calling you to. But…did it ever occur to you that perhaps God has not called you to have a large family, or even any children in store for you? It is possible to have a holy marriage without having children. Fr. Morrow (AMS’s spiritual adviser) says “throw the biological clock out the window!”.
And the whole virgin, not virgin thing…I admit I’ve struggled with it myself, thinking perhaps others aren’t as worthy as those of us who remain virgins(which it sounds like you think others are less worthy than you to seek a particular kind of spouse). I know there are virgins over 35, why would you assume that women couldn’t be as virtuous as yourself?

 

[SeekingWisdom]

Don’t know where the idea came up that 40 yo men are looking for 20 yo women, more the exception that the rule in my opinion. Even in my thirties I did not look at late 20s, I wanted someone closer to my age. As a guy in my mid 40s I look for late thirties to mid forties and not opposed to ones in late 40s. For all the good women you know above the age of 35, just send ONE my way, you can keep all the rest, just want one good one. LOL

As for what I did in my 20s, it was not chasing women, it was waiting for one great woman to commit, my highschool sweetheart and valedictorian of our Catholic high school, who never could take that step, we had a chaste relationship from when we were 17 yo to 29 yo, was engaged 3 different times, she called it off the second time 40 days before the wedding, for no specific reason other than she just “couldn’t”, we started courting again a few months later, a year later and after the 3rd time she called off the wedding for no reason, even with true love, I decided I had had enough. I experienced true agape love one other time, and am looking for it for the last time in my life, One that will make the distance.

Well, YOU aren’t. And good for you!

 

[Norseman82]

And the whole virgin, not virgin thing…I admit I’ve struggled with it myself, thinking perhaps others aren’t as worthy as those of us who remain virgins(which it sounds like you think others are less worthy than you to seek a particular kind of spouse). I know there are virgins over 35, why would you assume that women couldn’t be as virtuous as yourself?

First, I was not implying that women over 35 were not virgins. The point in my post was to point out that not all men are hypocrites, as well as the whole biological clock thing.

But…did it ever occur to you that perhaps God has not called you to have a large family, or even any children in store for you? It is possible to have a holy marriage without having children. Fr. Morrow (AMS’s spiritual adviser) says “throw the biological clock out the window!”.

As long as no Church rules on marriage and conception are violated, neither you nor anyone else - not even an ordained member of the clergy - have any right to criticize another person’s legitimate and legal hopes and desires for a family or to imply that they are disobeying God’s will without some concrete evidence.

 

[SeekingWisdom]

First, I was not implying that women over 35 were not virgins. The point in my post was to point out that not all men are hypocrites, as well as the whole biological clock thing.

As long as no Church rules on marriage and conception are violated, neither you nor anyone else - not even an ordained member of the clergy - have any right to criticize another person’s legitimate and legal hopes and desires for a family or to imply that they are disobeying God’s will without some concrete evidence.

No, but then, no one can know God’s will for sure and I have to say that I think perpetually being told “no” to specific desires laid out in our own terms is usually a sign (concrete evidence, if you will ) that something is not, in fact, God’s will. :tsktsk: I actually joined CAF today because I had questions about doing everything in life my way. It’s not really working out for me, so I think I will try God’s way.

 

[Norseman82]

No, but then, no one can know God’s will for sure and I have to say that I think perpetually being told “no” to specific desires laid out in our own terms is usually a sign (concrete evidence, if you will ) that something is not, in fact, God’s will. :tsktsk: I actually joined CAF today because I had questions about doing everything in life my way. It’s not really working out for me, so I think I will try God’s way.

Not necessarily.

After 9/11, someone (it may have been President Bush) made a comment along the lines of how we should not confuse God’s will with failure to love.

Additionally, when investigating miracles when canonizing saints, investiagtors look to see if there is a scientific or other natural reason first.

So before we atribute something to God, we need to investigate if there is a human reason first.

Sometimes that’s the only thing that keeps me sane.

 

[SeekingWisdom]

Not necessarily.

After 9/11, someone (it may have been President Bush) made a comment along the lines of how we should not confuse God’s will with failure to love.

Additionally, when investigating miracles when canonizing saints, investiagtors look to see if there is a scientific or other natural reason first.

So before we atribute something to God, we need to investigate if there is a human reason first.

Sometimes that’s the only thing that keeps me sane.

Well, then, on a human reasoning level, the answer may also be “no”. In any case, my main point was that sometimes things don’t go the way we wish. But I wish you all happiness in your pursuit thereof.

 

[chevalier]

As I was mentioning in another thread, we need to ask ourselves if we are using the world’s standards or God’s, so let’s break down your brother’s standards:

rich - secular standard, not God’s
attractive - depending on what is meant by attractive, could be secular
smart - neutral; general common sense and intelligence is necessary, but one does not need a PhD for that
likes Star Wars (he loves Star Wars) - not a Catholic standard
treats sister right - both secular and God’s standards
has season tickets to a sports team - is this a joke???
college educated - it is important to be able to support a family, but college eductaion is no longer a guarantee if someone in India with internet access can do the same job for 1/3 the salary
steady job - yes, one should be able to support one’s family
dresses well - same comment as “attractive”
is Catholic - yes, this is judging by God’s standards
and is straight - obviously!

Norseman, lighten up! Personalities are different and thus similarly different is compatibility between potential couples. God loves us all and we are called to love each other in the agape way, but eros works differently and you can’t make it into an obligation or a right… nor can you say that being Catholic and doing what a Catholic man is required (being able to support family, not sinning against family etc.) should be enough to get any man any woman. There’s attraction there and companionship is part of building a family together - something I also say to the ladies when it’s they who complain about us men over the same issues. There’s nothing wrong having “your type” of girl or guy, nor acting on your attraction rather than against it. In fact, it would be contrary to reason to force yourself into marriage just to reward a Catholic single of the opposite sex for being a good Catholic guy/girl, or to prove that you can lift above your “petty” wants, such as having someone to talk to about your interests or someone who’s pleasing to your eye.

I don’t have a detailed checklist, but I have some qualities, physical, mental, intellectual and other, that I like, and I seek them in a woman… or something that works to a similar effect that I haven’t envisioned before (I always discover new things, after all). I don’t do anything wrong by doing this.

See, I may not like the fact that most young women these days are after partying, modern music, some strange brands of soft science, liberal-leaning politically, looking for either a metrosexual guy or the complete opposite, they dislike most of my interests and find them boring (history, IT, Latin, to name just three), but they have that right and I hope they can find a guy they’ll be happy with without major issues. They certainly don’t owe anything to me and I don’t owe anything to them, either. I too am free to find someone who shares some of my interests - or comes in with something new, why not - and agrees with me on some of my social or ethical or other values that aren’t specifically written down in the Bible.

So I may choose to wait until I find a woman who will want to be a lady, who will have a positive outlook but be capable of noticing difficulties and problems and treat them seriously, who will be serious but still have distance towards herself and be able to look at the world from a child’s perspective (it’s big and there’s much yet to see), who will know both how to pray the rosary and how to dance the night away, will not berate my interests, who will share a certain approximate honour code with me, who will have a cooperative style of solving problems (i.e. working on worthwile solutions instead of just asserting or pushing for a mechanical 50/50 compromise, trying to look from the other party’s perspective), who will genuinely care what happens to me, not just whether she’s a fulfilled woman by being with me etc., and an open mind (or a heart so open that it doesn’t matter anyway).

…And if I don’t find one and I thus stay single, I won’t have wronged any Catholic single woman.

 

[Joe_5859]

It seems that there are a lot of single women and single men on this thread. Does CAF have a singles group?