Personality types, control freaks, perfectionists, and MARRIAGE

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

**Thought I’d jump on the “communication issues” bandwagon and ask some things I’ve wondered about.

1. Can a personality type be “wrong”? Obviously there are some personality types that are more likable and some that are very hard to like. If someone has a type that is not great, is it wrong and should they do something to try and “fix” it? Is personality type a part of our nature (God given) or is it a defect?
2. What do you think of when you hear “control freak” or “controlling behavior”?
3. Are you a perfectionist (or do you live with one?)? Is it something that is all bad or are there some redeeming qualities?
4. If two people marry but discover that they have incompatible personalities, what is their responsibility towards each other and the marriage?

Looking forward to seeing your replies!!!

Malia**

 

[Em_in_FL]

This should be an interesting thread!

**Thought I’d jump on the “communication issues” bandwagon and ask some things I’ve wondered about.

1. Can a personality type be “wrong”? Obviously there are some personality types that are more likable and some that are very hard to like. If someone has a type that is not great, is it wrong and should they do something to try and “fix” it? Is personality type a part of our nature (God given) or is it a defect?**

No, I don’t think there are any “wrong” personalities… but I do think that some personality traits may not match well with others. For example, two strong/controlling personalities that aren’t on the same page about a lot of issues may have a very difficult time… in that case I think “fixing” is something to investigate (through counseling).

**
2. What do you think of when you hear “control freak” or “controlling behavior”?**

Certain family members…
I have a difficult time with some “control freaks”… mostly because I, personally, cannot understand that personality type (I’m more of an easy-going follower on decisions that aren’t “important” to me)…

**
3. Are you a perfectionist (or do you live with one?)? Is it something that is all bad or are there some redeeming qualities?**

No, I’m far from a perfectionist.
In many ways I wish I had more control over certain things. Some redeeming qualities may be that perfectionists tend to DO or GET what their heart desires most… and that can be very satisfying. I often don’t feel satisfied, and I know that’s probably because I more often bend to others’ desires first.

**
4. If two people marry but discover that they have incompatible personalities, what is their responsibility towards each other and the marriage?

Looking forward to seeing your replies!!!

Malia**

COUNSELING… they’ll most likely need 3rd party help to get through big decisions. If every little decision turns into a fight, then counseling is definitely necessary in order to “fix” the intensity of those conflicting personalities.

EDITING TO ADD:
I guess what bothers me about “control freaks” is that they often have an opinion and aren’t willing to ever look at all the options. So often on big decisions (or even small ones) a simple “business case” of pros and cons can be laid out, and the question will simply answer itself!..

Being OPEN to that option of “maybe something better exists” besides my own opinion is something I feel very strongly about.

 

[nobeerinheaven]

1. Can a personality type be “wrong”? Obviously there are some personality types that are more likable and some that are very hard to like. If someone has a type that is not great, is it wrong and should they do something to try and “fix” it? Is personality type a part of our nature (God given) or is it a defect?

In some sense, all personality types are wrong. Most personalities can be “evened out” and thus fixed in marriage: either normal, earthly marriage to another person, or through a mystical union with God (for the religious). Everyone’s personality has problems, and they only way to evaluate another’s personality is through the lens of one’s own, an inescapable bias.

1. What do you think of when you hear “control freak” or “controlling behavior”?

Myself

1. Are you a perfectionist (or do you live with one?)? Is it something that is all bad or are there some redeeming qualities?

Haha, it sounds like you don’t like so called “perfectionists.” Is your question seriously something like “Is perfectionism completely awful, or just mostly awful?” I’m not a huge fan of those options.

1. If two people marry but discover that they have incompatible personalities, what is their responsibility towards each other and the marriage?

Every married couple has incompatible personalities. It’s the incompatibility that forces us to work on ourselves, learning to compromise and work to create unity. That’s why marriages fix all these broken personalities; the couple must learn to grow as individuals as they seek to preserve the love that led them to get married in the first place. They must see how they, personally and individually, do things that obstruct the other person’s love.

If the couple cannot realize that is the essence of a marriage, they should seek counseling (as was mentioned before), and also think long and hard about the meaning of marriage as a sacrament. Why, do you think, does God give spiritual and moral meaning to getting married? I’ll give you a hint: I don’t think it was because marriages are endless bliss, from beginning to end.

Also, I strongly recommend getting the book “Getting the Love You Want” by Dr. Harville Hendrix. It is not religious, but it is good advice.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Haha, it sounds like you don’t like so called “perfectionists.” Is your question seriously something like “Is perfectionism completely awful, or just mostly awful?” I’m not a huge fan of those options.

**

Funny you see it that way! I am the perfectionist. I guess my point of view comes from other’s always pointing out the faults that stem from that. I know that perfectionism isn’t always a bad thing, it just needs to be channeled properly. I am just curious if everyone here had the same negative views that I’ve heard through my lifetime…

Malia**

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

This should be an interesting thread!

**I hope so!!! And I hope to learn something about myself…

malia**

 

[diosa25]

I’ve been called a perfectionist by the people who know me very well. I don’t think it is good or bad. Like everything, it can be used for good or bad. People can become obsessive over certain things. I like to pay attention to detail when I am doing things and I like them a certain way. But it depends on where people draw the line that makes it good or bad. If you don’t ever let anyone help you and you always want to do EVERYTHING because you cant’ stand it to be done other ways or you are obsessed with it, then of course that is bad. But God gave us brains and we are to think about how we act and what we do. I think we have a lot and I mean A LOT of control over our personalities. You can let them interfere or you can control them to an extent. We all have tendencies but we still chose to do what we do. I am over controlling and a perfectionist and I have to conciously make an effort (everyday all day) to be different. To let go when it is not that important. To let my husband do somethings around the house to help me because if I did it all by myself I’d have no life. And also you have to be careful with kids. You can’t not let them do anything or complain about how they do it cuz I think that will give them a complex and they will feel like nothing is good enough to your “perfectionist” standards…as well as others, not just kids. But it is good to recognize your personality type and try to tame it and control it for the good of the marriage. God bless and hope this helps!

 

[newbetx]

This should be an interesting thread!

:yup:

COUNSELING… they’ll most likely need 3rd party help to get through big decisions. If every little decision turns into a fight, then counseling is definitely necessary in order to “fix” the intensity of those conflicting personalities.

:nope: Control freaks “don’t need counseling”. They don’t need the added agravation that comes from having to tell an expert how the expert is wrong.

EDITING TO ADD:
I guess what bothers me about “control freaks” is that they often have an opinion and aren’t willing to ever look at all the options. So often on big decisions (or even small ones) a simple “business case” of pros and cons can be laid out, and the question will simply answer itself!..

You forget the “intangables”… those unmeasurable things that turn justifications on their heads and enable rationalizations.

Here’s one to try… live with a control freak who can’t make a decision!

Can one be a perfectionist and NOT be a control freak? If the answer is “no”, then this forum just answered another “mystery of marriage” for me. Hopefully, I didn’t just hijack your thread…

 

[diosa25]

:nope: Control freaks “don’t need counseling”. They don’t need the added agravation that comes from having to tell an expert how the expert is wrong.

Experts aren’t always right. Sometimes they even disagree about the same things

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I like to pay attention to detail when I am doing things and I like them a certain way. But it depends on where people draw the line that makes it good or bad.
**
Good point. If it doesn’t become an obsession or infringe on others then i think it’s pretty neutral. And I don’t know about anyone else but if I were having brain surgery I would PRAY for a surgeon who is a perfectionist**

I am over controlling and a perfectionist and I have to conciously make an effort (everyday all day) to be different. To let go when it is not that important. To let my husband do somethings around the house to help me because if I did it all by myself I’d have no life.

I’ve never had much of a problem with the way others do things, mostly myself. Like I used to love art as a kid and teen but would get so frustrated that it wasn’t “perfect” that I’d give up. I need to get back into it I think…

And also you have to be careful with kids. You can’t not let them do anything or complain about how they do it cuz I think that will give them a complex and they will feel like nothing is good enough to your “perfectionist” standards…as well as others, not just kids.

**Yeah I think that’s an easy cycle to fall into. But I think it’s strange that I have been labeled a perfectionist and/or controlling but I wouldn’t/don’t want to control other’s behavior or make them live up to my personal goals (and I don’t make them known so there is no hidden pressure).

Now that we have a DD I love seeing her individuality and how she does things “different”. I think it’s amazing! I hope I never try to control her or impose impossible standards, or that if I do I recognize it right away and get help…
**
But it is good to recognize your personality type and try to tame it and control it for the good of the marriage. God bless and hope this helps!
**
Thanks for sharing, all of the replies have helped and I am looking forward to many more.**

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

:yup:

Control freaks “don’t need counseling”. They don’t need the added agravation that comes from having to tell an expert how the expert is wrong.



Can one be a perfectionist and NOT be a control freak? If the answer is “no”, then this forum just answered another “mystery of marriage” for me. Hopefully, I didn’t just hijack your thread…

I want to hear all thoughts and opinions!!! It would be hard to hijack this thread unless someone comes in and asks for a recipe, lol.

As for your question, I think I am a personal perfectionist (but now I am questioning that because there are not many things about myself that need to be perfect, just certain things) but not a control freak by the standard definition… so, if I am a perfectionist then it is possible to not be both. If that makes sense…

 

[Em_in_FL]

:nope: Control freaks “don’t need counseling”. They don’t need the added agravation that comes from having to tell an expert how the expert is wrong.

Counseling isn’t an “expert” telling you what’s wrong… it’s a conversation that allows you to get to the root of your thoughts and feelings…

As in my example of two “control freaks” (I keep using quotes because I don’t really like the term “freak”… I don’t want to sound that negative!) who have conflicting interests… there isn’t necessarily a “right” or “wrong”… just a meeting of minds and a justification for the final decision.

I don’t mean to use the “counseling” advice in a negative way, as if there’s something wrong… really more of a way of breaking down barriers so that solutions to the conflicts can naturally arise.

Hope that helps clear up my post

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

**

I’d like to address my own questions now

1. Can a personality type be “wrong”? Obviously there are some personality types that are more likable and some that are very hard to like. If someone has a type that is not great, is it wrong and should they do something to try and “fix” it? Is personality type a part of our nature (God given) or is it a defect?

I’m hoping Chevalier will contribute to this thread because he seems to know quite a bit about technical personality types a la Myers Briggs etc. That is what I’m wondering about.

I know that we all have a responsibility to better ourselves and reach for holiness. Hard to do that if we don’t change our selfish. lazy, or unreasonable ways. But I’m wondering about the ways in which we actually think. If I am primarily a logical thinker and a friend is primarily an emotional thinker, should we try and change how we think to better communicate?**

1. What do you think of when you hear “control freak” or “controlling behavior”?

I used the term control “freak” because it seems to be the common term. I’m not crazy about the word freak either…

This is what I think of:

it brings to mind the wife who gets mad when hubby loads the dishwasher the “wrong” way or when the kids rake the leaves differently than she does etc. Or the man who gets irate because his son put the lawnmower away but it’s crooked. You know, freaky behavior

1. Are you a perfectionist (or do you live with one?)? Is it something that is all bad or are there some redeeming qualities?

Personally I don’t think perfectionism is all bad, like I mentioned in a previous post. In some ways it can be a great asset…

1. If two people marry but discover that they have incompatible personalities, what is their responsibility towards each other and the marriage?

Again, I’m asking about specific personality traits, not bad habits or poor skills. I don’t know enough about the topic to explain as well as I’d like but I’m hoping you can see what I mean.

Malia

 

[leonie]

catholicmatch.com/pl/pages/temperaments/introduction.html?hc=1

 

[Em_in_FL]

Malia… there’s lots of free info on the web about personality types and the Myers-Briggs tests…
Here’s a good wikipedia article on it…
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myers-Briggs_Type_Indicator

And just a couple free tests I found…
humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp
similarminds.com/cgi-bin/newmb.pl

Definitely search for more… the more you can take, the better you can zero in on your exact personality traits (all the tests are a little different)…
Sometimes you can flop back and forth between personality types depending on that particular test…

HTH!

 

[newbetx]

:yup:

:nope: Control freaks “don’t need counseling”. They don’t need the added agravation that comes from having to tell an expert how the expert is wrong.

Sorry, sarcasm doesn’t come across well when typing.

Yes, I know the purpose of counselling is to get the parties talking. But if the party (control freak) does not want to give up control, there’s no real incentive to make them talk about things is there?

It’s funny. At the 10 Great Dates seminar, one of the couple is known as the “dragger” and the other the “draggee”… I suppose the same for counselling.

And thanks for the comment about perfectionist and control freak… I think I’m married to more of a perfectionist. As you can probably tell from my spelling, I’m not one.

 

[newbetx]

I can’t recall the name of the classification method… Intuitor, feeler, … Something Brigs? a simple test on how one thinks… And yes, it gets difficult if you and your spouse are in groups that don’t arrive at the same conclusion from the same data. That’s the biggest hurdle one has to overcome… the ability to understand how the other one thinks and work out a solution…

Probably another pre-cana thing we should recommend to engaged couples…

Of course we could just give a marriage test…

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Malia… there’s lots of free info on the web about personality types and the Myers-Briggs tests…
Here’s a good wikipedia article on it…
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myers-Briggs_Type_Indicator

And just a couple free tests I found…
humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp
similarminds.com/cgi-bin/newmb.pl

Definitely search for more… the more you can take, the better you can zero in on your exact personality traits (all the tests are a little different)…
Sometimes you can flop back and forth between personality types depending on that particular test…

HTH!

**Thanks, hubby and I have explored this a little bit but I think we need to go more in depth than the websites can go. And from the tests we know we are incompatible in a lot of ways but the sites don’t tell you what to do about it, lol.

Malia
**

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Probably another pre-cana thing we should recommend to engaged couples…

**Definitely!!! (it’s called Myers Briggs from what I an remembe****r) I wish hubby and I had known how different we were. It could have saved us some major headaches. Just because a couple agrees on the “biggies” (faith, parenting, lifestyle, etc) doesn’t mean they will get along

malia
**

 

[Em_in_FL]

** but the sites don’t tell you what to do about it, lol.

Malia
**

Yeah, good point…

 

[kage_ar]

Just because a couple agrees on the “biggies” (faith, parenting, lifestyle, etc) doesn’t mean they will get along

malia

Turn it around, precisely because you DO agree on the biggies that you CAN work on the small stuff.

The idea of two people being incompatable… think about this, God created man and woman for each other, to compliment each other - think of a puzzle with two pieces. They compliment each other, but, not until they each get turned and adjusted do they actually fit together.