You could still be surprised how far your sense of beauty deviates from that of your friends or even most people for that matter.
What’s ultimately important is whether she’s beautiful to you, not to other people.
If you really thought your girlfriend and future wife had to be someone who were attractive to others, yes, that’d be shallow — well, either in the sense of vanity or perhaps some problems with self-esteem and maturity. But that’s not the same as simply being after beauty.
Anyway, a lot in how you see a woman depends on how you look. If you have warm feelings for someone, whatever be their nature, or feelings of respect, you’re going to look differently — differently than you would look at, say, a line-up of static portrait shots of total strangers. Part of it is that you would spend more time looking and be more resistant to first impressions. You would be more inclined to love the imperfections (yes, that happens too).
Don’t force yourself to try a relationship with someone you don’t want to be in a relationship it; that could end in a world of hurt.
Don’t force yourself to give girls ‘honest chances’ at dating. It would be sexist to accuse them of something like being unable to understand the concept of a fighting chance etc.; actually, I think many of them would understand it better than a modern man and have more class in dealing with it, but you just don’t want to trifle with a girl’s feelings.
For the record, if you try it as friends — for example in order to avoid hurting her feelings — chances are you’re going to get friend-zoned. Contrary to what some people believe, it’s not impossible to get out of there (though it may take
some cognitive reframing), but it’s tricky. Personally, I want someone who will be into me from the get go (and vice versa), at least in some degree, and with no bar to some caution.
On the other hand, even though we
are responsible for the feelings we awaken in others (quoting a Servant of God cardinal and menthor of JP2’s here), you can’t be wholly responsible for the freaking out of an unstable mind that you could not have foreseen. Perhaps google ‘adequate causation’ as lawyers call it, maybe that will help.
Now as regards your fears etc., Irishmom is right. Just do it. You don’t even have to do it ‘right’ or without blundering, what is important is that you actually do it. Real men can’t be afraid of shame — including the kind of shame that they only feel themselves, as it stings their own pride (and masculine ago), where nobody else even knows (e.g. because the woman was a stranger and there were no common friends).
Actually, some quite smashing women are quite lonely when every man ends up thinking they must already have someone. Alternatively, they end up with whomever thinks he has nothing to lose — who can be anybody from a very plain guy to a bluebird.
Besides, you can’t get confidence else than by training.
Training includes a metric heckton of losing, and getting better generally starts with realizing how poor you are and accepting it (else you can’t grow). Just ask any sportsman, martial artist or successful computer gamer.
Remember that courage lies not in being immune to fear (where’s courage in that?), not even in having a spirit unmoved by it (as some old philosophers could claim), but in actually doing things anyway. Hence, it’s possible for a coward to be a courageous man. Could also be possible for a bold man to be a coward (the moment his usual overconfidence stops shielding him from realizing what he’s up to (or against)).
Just walk up to them. And talk.
But be prepared to talk — know how to talk to them, be prepared to both listen and engage, to fill the silence when it does need to be filled, to actually offer the woman something more interesting than just you awaiting your prize for the dare of walking up to her. It’s the beginning of the way only. (In other words, it helps if you’re a good conversationalist, but content is still king, as a professional marketer might want to say, and it helps best if you actually have something to talk about. I sometimes don’t, an that’s where things end badly. As long as I have subjects to really, genuinely talk about things never are hopeless.)
Finally, don’t really worry about competing with other guys. In business, there’s the concept of a
red ocean vs blue ocean:
- Red competes in existing space. Blue creates new space (uncontested new space).
- Red beats the competition (or not). Blue makes the competition irrelevant.
- Red operates off of existing demand. Blue creates new demand. (Offers something new, a new formula, redefines the thinking etc.)
- Red makes the value vs cost. Blue breaks it. (This is a bit of an exaggerated claim, but it’s about finding the sweet spot where your ideal client’s needs/wants and your offer align the best. You look for those sweet spots with the assitance of ideal client modelling. It’s generally good to know who you’re selling and know the folks you’re selling to.)
You gotta
win some hearts and minds, you can’t just walk in and force a girl by yours sheer whatever. Or, in some cases you can, but it’s debatable whether those girls are your ideal client. I mean, your ideal mate.
It also helps to know how to
kiss.
