Pictures Of Deceased

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Arlene:
I do have two awful poloriod pictures that were taken in the hospital. I was so grateful for them. But trust me, they are awful. In the first weeks and months I would look at those photos a hundred times a day. I carried them with me so I could pull them out and see his face any time I needed to. I only showed them to a few select people. But he looked so beautiful at the visitation. I lifted him out of the coffin and held him one last time. It is the only time my husband ever held him. How I wish we had pictures of us holding our son.
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I am so sorry to hear of you terrible loss. I didn’t mean to sound hard hearted. I too lost my oldest little boy at almost 21 weeks. Unfortunately I never got the chance to see him or hold him. I often wish I had been granted that, unfortunately I was in a back woods hospital in KY. God bless you and hopefully you’ll see your son again one day. If you ever do I’m sure he’ll tell you “thank you for loving me so much”.
 
My husband’s mom does this. It was the first time I had ever experienced this sort of thing. At first it creeped me out! I know that there was a time when people would sometimes take picrues of the dead but they posed them as if they were alive. Sometimes artists would make painting off of these but make them look alive.

His family is Appalachian. I dont’ know if this has anything to do with it.
 
I work on my family genealogy and the only picture of one of my greatgrandfathers (1920) is of him in his coffin with my grandfather and his family members standing behind the coffin.

I have pics of my parents in their coffins, and I suspect the same will be done with me. I see it as the final chapter of a persons genealogy history.
 
Arlene–Your post made me cry. I am so sorry you ever had to hurt like that. I can’t imagine lifting my dead baby out of a coffin to hold him one last time. And yes, I don’t think it would be wrong to take pictures of a situation like that. (But I can understand how your husband did not want to preserve that memory.) I don’t think the people who say it’s in poor taste are meaning circumstances such as yours–probably just older men or women who have long since passed the suppleness of youth and would perhaps only look morbid in death photos. Plus, these elderly all have a lifetime of pictures. A new baby does not. Again, I am so sorry for your loss, no matter how long ago (or not) it might have been.
 
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JKirkLVNV:
I’ve learned one rule of thumb: if someone looses someone dear to them, esp. a child, never question their actions, unless they or someone else is actually going to be harmed by those actions. If they want to take photos, let them take photos. If they want to hold the baby, let them hold the baby. In my home town in North Texas, we went through a spate of teenagers dying (lightning strikes, car accidents, etc.). The parents naturally came near to loosing their minds with grief. When one mother held a party/picnic on what would have been her son’s birthday and held it by his cemetary plot, no one said a word. When someone suggested to the cemetary association that ballons and stuffed animals and jerseys were kind of junking up the cemetary, they were quickly told to shut their pie-holes.

I think, to some degree large or small, grieving parents are in profound communion or state of empathy with the Sorrowful Mother and She must have a special eye on them.
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Very well put. There is no proper way, nor only one way, to grieve.
 
dizzy girl:
Arlene–Your post made me cry. I am so sorry you ever had to hurt like that. I can’t imagine lifting my dead baby out of a coffin to hold him one last time. And yes, I don’t think it would be wrong to take pictures of a situation like that. (But I can understand how your husband did not want to preserve that memory.) I don’t think the people who say it’s in poor taste are meaning circumstances such as yours–probably just older men or women who have long since passed the suppleness of youth and would perhaps only look morbid in death photos. Plus, these elderly all have a lifetime of pictures. A new baby does not. Again, I am so sorry for your loss, no matter how long ago (or not) it might have been.
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You put it so much better than I did. Thank you for your post.
 
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Peace-bwu:
His family is Appalachian. I dont’ know if this has anything to do with it.
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My father’s family has many customs I later found in literature about Applalachians, so that makes sense to me.
 
Grieving parents get first dibs on what they want to do. I actually think the picnic/ party at the cemetery is a lovely idea, and a good use of the grounds.

Snail mailing photos of Great-Grandpa Zeke at the wake as the main guest without prior warning is tacky.
 
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JKirkLVNV:
I’ve learned one rule of thumb: if someone looses someone dear to them, esp. a child, never question their actions, unless they or someone else is actually going to be harmed by those actions. If they want to take photos, let them take photos. If they want to hold the baby, let them hold the baby. In my home town in North Texas, we went through a spate of teenagers dying (lightning strikes, car accidents, etc.). The parents naturally came near to loosing their minds with grief. When one mother held a party/picnic on what would have been her son’s birthday and held it by his cemetary plot, no one said a word. When someone suggested to the cemetary association that ballons and stuffed animals and jerseys were kind of junking up the cemetary, they were quickly told to shut their pie-holes.

I think, to some degree large or small, grieving parents are in profound communion or state of empathy with the Sorrowful Mother and She must have a special eye on them.
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:amen: and beautifully stated. Thank you. As for the birthing photos–if we could all just agree that if parents want this event photographed–it’s also up to them, but PLLEEEEAAASSSE don’t pull out the video/photos at the family reunion, baptism, neighborhood BBQ or for heaven’s sake send them on the internet. I’m a firm believer that only those present at conception should be present/witness a birth unless circumstances prevent that and stand-ins or other moral support are explicitly requested.
 
Both my parent’s families take pictures of the dead. They have a whole bunch of my sister in her coffin.

My dad brought back photos of my grandfather and my uncle from Germany when he went to their funerals. They do not put any makeup on them and their mouths were wide open.

My husband’s family is from the south and they do it also. My bestfriend’s family is from the south and they also take pictures.

With my sister, my mom put her funeral pictures in an album with regular pictures. She showed them to everyone (I felt bad for the poor people who weren’t used to such things.) After my parents pass on I’m not keeping those pictures.
 
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rayne89:
With my sister, my mom put her funeral pictures in an album with regular pictures. She showed them to everyone (I felt bad for the poor people who weren’t used to such things.) After my parents pass on I’m not keeping those pictures.
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You don’t have to answer this if you don’t want to, but do you mind if I ask how old your sister was. Also, I was wondering if it will bother you to get rid of those pictures when they are obviously so important to your parents. I cant even et rid of my Step Dad’s (whom I loved dearly) cloths yet and they didn’t mean a thing to him. I can’t imagine tossing something that he might have treasured.

Please know that I am certainly not judging. I was just wondering.
 
My father’s family took pictures of the deceased relative. When my father passed on, we did not allow it. If anyone did sneak a picture, I don’t know it. No one will ever take a picture of me or my hubby. Closed caskets for us! Pictures taken of deceased newborns is a different story entirely, but most adults have had a picture taken that conjure up happier memories.

Love and peace

Mom of 5
 
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Lilyofthevalley:
Does your family take pictures of deceased loved ones? It seems my father’s side of the family takes pictures the deceased at the funeral viewing.
If your family practices this, is it ethnic or simply an old custom?
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MIL does this, assume her 7 sisters do it too, they are Irish don’t know if that is the reason. She has photo albums of both her husbands, ending with several shots of the deceased in coffin, funeral etc. she also taped their funeral sermons.
 
None of my family take pictures of deceased…Wait,my dad’s mom does.I never seen any.I wouldn’t like to see pictures of relatives in their coffin.I preffer pictures of them having a good time,alive.
 
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Lilyofthevalley:
Does your family take pictures of deceased loved ones? It seems my father’s side of the family takes pictures the deceased at the funeral viewing.
If your family practices this, is it ethnic or simply an old custom?
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My sister took pictures of my mother. I did not want to see them. I remember my mother looking so beautiful. I swore she looked as if she was just sleeping. So peaceful.

Well, I went to her home and she got the pictures and showed them to me without telling me. It was a totally different picture. Her face was distorted. I did not remember her like that. I was shocked and actually could not talk for a few minutes. I wished she would of never showed me. I told her to never show me those again. I wish the last picture would of been the one in the first paragraph.
 
I don’t wish to offend anybody here, but it’s just my 2 cents.
I can understand if it was of a stillborn child, and there is nothing to remember them by, but the ones of those who have made memories, I don’t think it’s acceptable.
When my mother died (3 months ago), my aunt, who we hadn’t had much contact with for the past few years, asked if she could take pictures of Mom when she was in the casket. This made all of us very angry and sad. Here we were, mourning the death of a woman, wife, and mother, who died young because of an illness, and somebody wants to take a picture of her like this? Why didn’t you take pictures when she was healthy and alive? Who, in their right mind, wants to have such a tragic memory captured? I would have thought that we’d want to remember how they looked before they died, when the person was actually within the body. She didn’t even look like the same person anymore…
This has happened to another aunt, who lost her son to suicide. Unfortunately, she was in such bad shape, she allowed it (it was her son’s wife’s family who were taking pictures). For her birthday, they sent her copies of the pictures.
😦 It’s just something I don’t think is acceptable, morally or ethically. 😦
 
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leschornmom:
You don’t have to answer this if you don’t want to, but do you mind if I ask how old your sister was. Also, I was wondering if it will bother you to get rid of those pictures when they are obviously so important to your parents. I cant even et rid of my Step Dad’s (whom I loved dearly) cloths yet and they didn’t mean a thing to him. I can’t imagine tossing something that he might have treasured.

Please know that I am certainly not judging. I was just wondering.
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My sister was 21, I was 13 at the time of her death. She was a local runway model and we have plenty of beautiful pictures of her. She doesn’t look like herself at all in the casket. I have no idea why but she looks very puffy and swollen.

I have many wonderful momentos of my sister. Her scrapbooks, her matchbook collection, yearbooks, old record albums, even her old fuzzy robe. And my parents have thousands of pictures and slides.

Her funeral obviously was not a good memory for me and it the marking point where everything changed in my family. My mother became mentally ill due to her death (she died of cancer) and it was a horrible time in my house until I married at 18 and moved out. I don’t want to save memories of not just my sister’s death but really the death of my family. Although I was physically provided for emotionally on my own from that day on - and I had to grow up very quickly.

I have beautiful happy memories of my sister. We were close despite the age difference. I have been working on a photo scrapbook of her (it takes alot of time sifting through all my parents photos and slides). Those are times I want to remember.
 
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rayne89:
I have beautiful happy memories of my sister. We were close despite the age difference. I have been working on a photo scrapbook of her (it takes alot of time sifting through all my parents photos and slides). Those are times I want to remember.
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I’m so happy that you had such a wonderful relationship with your sister. I didn’t mean to pry. I was just thinking that it might have been one of those still-born situations. I don’t think I’d want to take pictures (or keep them for that matter) of either of my sisters in their coffins either. I’d much rather remember them the way the are now.
 
My family is always taking pictures of the dead. It drives me crazy. I think that my generation will be the last of it; most of us think it is awful.
My one aunt was the worst; she was one of the ones like has been mentioned, that would send them through the mail, or pull them out with the rest of the family photographs to show people. (When one of my other aunts died, she carried the picture with her “to :rolleyes: show people how she looked” Ummmm…She looked 😦 dead, is how she looked).
This is my father’s side of the family. We are Irish & Welsh on that side, and yes, we are from the Appalachians. The first thing that many people there got cameras for, I am told, was to take pictures of the dead.

I will add that I agree that it is a whole different thing to get pictures of a baby who you don’t have photos of. What I am talking about is something else…

I think that they did used to make death masks of people before cameras. If I ever come across one of those, you will hear the :eek: shrieks around the world.
 
I believe the custom started many years ago. When somebody died, pictures were taken to send to some people that couldn’t get to the funeral because of distance or poor health. I would never do it, but I can understand why it was done. My mom used to say: Don’t worry about the dead, it’s the living that you have to keep an eye on!
 
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