Please help - how should I talk to my husband about chores?

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ellam25

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Hi everyone I need some help. I have avoided confronting my husband because I’m afraid I’ll just get mad or we’ll fight. I have confronted him in the past and it ended in us yelling and him not taking anything I say seriously or listening to me, for that matter.
So I’m a Stay at home mom except on Thursdays I watch 3 children at my house from 7 am - 6 pm, plus my 8 month old daughter. With that said, my main job is also housekeeper, cook along with being mommy. My husband will not ever EVER help me, unless I get angry and then he will kind of “mad clean”. I don’t like this. Anyway I have tried everything, “Will you help me clean today?” “Yes honey of course,” and then nothing. I have tried making charts, which he will readily ignore, or he’ll go to go work on his car and leave me alone with that baby. he tends to make huge messes and not clean them up. Today I had the 3 children and didnt have time to make his lunch for work or clean up. I took them to the park and he said “Oh it’s so nice to have a break”. I asked him if he could just clean up his lunch mess since he would have time alone. Well he didnt do anything except spread lunch stuff everywhere and then made a joke out of it when I told him I didn’t appreciate it. I am sitting here now, exhausted and nursing my baby looking at a giant mess. Not just from him, but from the kids, my 8 month old and laundry. I don’t know what to do!! I am almost on the verge of crying I am so stressed and frustrated.
Edit: He works 5 days a week, 8 hours a day. He doesn’t uynderstand that I never get a break…I am the one who gets up with the baby, stays up with her, cleans everything, feeds her, etc etc and on weekends he spends most of his time on his computer and when i ask him to mind the baby he’ll stick her in front of the tv and keep being on his computer. I havent been able to work out in weeks because i dont have time.
 
Look up books at your local library by John and/or Julie Gottman; they’ll include suggestions from their research about how to complain without hurting.
 
ellam25 said:
Hi everyone I need some help. I have avoided confronting my husband because I’m afraid I’ll just get mad or we’ll fight. I have confronted him in the past and it ended in us yelling and him not taking anything I say seriously or listening to me, for that matter.
So I’m a Stay at home mom except on Thursdays I watch 3 children at my house from 7 am - 6 pm, plus my 8 month old daughter. With that said, my main job is also housekeeper, cook along with being mommy. My husband will not ever EVER help me, unless I get angry and then he will kind of “mad clean”. I don’t like this. Anyway I have tried everything, “Will you help me clean today?” “Yes honey of course,” and then nothing. I have tried making charts, which he will readily ignore, or he’ll go to go work on his car and leave me alone with that baby. he tends to make huge messes and not clean them up. Today I had the 3 children and didnt have time to make his lunch for work or clean up. I took them to the park and he said “Oh it’s so nice to have a break”. I asked him if he could just clean up his lunch mess since he would have time alone. Well he didnt do anything except spread lunch stuff everywhere and then made a joke out of it when I told him I didn’t appreciate it. I am sitting here now, exhausted and nursing my baby looking at a giant mess. Not just from him, but from the kids, my 8 month old and laundry. I don’t know what to do!! I am almost on the verge of crying I am so stressed and frustrated.
Edit: He works 5 days a week, 8 hours a day. He doesn’t uynderstand that I never get a break…I am the one who gets up with the baby, stays up with her, cleans everything, feeds her, etc etc and on weekends he spends most of his time on his computer and when i ask him to mind the baby he’ll stick her in front of the tv and keep being on his computer. I havent been able to work out in weeks because i dont have time.
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  1. Don’t say you don’t appreciate it. Tell him something like, “Honey, you’re an adult. Put away your lunch stuff. Do you want me to feel like you’re a messy little kid and like I’m your mom cleaning up after you? I don’t want to be your mom.” Say it nicely! Don’t yell–just be brief and factual.
  2. As husbands go, your husband doesn’t actually work a lot. In my family, it would be normal for a guy to work your husband’s hours and then work a second job on top of that. My grandpa, for instance, used to work a full-time mill job and then come home and do ranch stuff.
So, he has time to help you.
  1. Jogging stroller. Make sure you get out every day.
  2. For now, I think I’d tell him that I’m going to clean house on Saturday. Then stick the baby with him and clean the house (checking in every so often for safety). Keep working until it’s done (with feeding breaks for baby, of course). But keep going until it’s done. That’s what God made Saturday for. At some point, it should dawn on your husband that this cleaning thing is a pretty big job.
Then the next Friday, you can offer your husband the choice of either being with the baby or cleaning on Saturday morning. Lather, rinse, repeat every Friday night. (There will probably be some other house and car chores, but you can do the same thing–if he does the chore, you watch the baby, if he watches the baby, you do the chore.)

If a little extra money appears (for instance from more babysitting), seriously consider once a month or twice a month cleaning help–it will give you a lot of peace of mind.
  1. I wouldn’t freak out about the TV thing yet because he may not have much of a feel for what you do with babies. Once baby is a toddler, baby will get more demanding, which should provide a lot of inspiration for daddy-baby activities. Also, I suspect it will eventually dawn on him that being with little children is work if he spends enough time with baby.
  2. Start planning family outings–maybe for Sunday afternoon? Even just a walk would provide you an opportunity to talk and get you a little exercise.
  3. Do you have any helpful family in the area?
Best wishes!
 
Xantippe’s advice is excellent, IMO.
Also, you have an eight month old baby. I would suggest you focus on the basics and let the rest go, Lower your expectations, You are exhausted, there’s no need to do unnecessary things.
I would wash the dishes, do the laundry enough for you and the baby, and make basic meals, If he wants his clothes clean, his dishes washed, he can take care of them, he has plenty of time. I would forget floor mopping, cleaning up after him, and try to simplify cleaning up after your baby sittees on Thursdays.
Caring for a little one is a full time job.
God bless.

.
 
he tends to make huge messes and not clean them up.
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This would drive me absolutely crazy. I am so sorry you have to live with someone who is so inconsiderate and lazy. You have one of the hardest jobs in the world, do not let anyone tell you differently.

He is your husband, he is supposed to love you, support you, help you and be there for you. Obviously, he doesn’t take his wedding vows seriously.

I’m sorry I don’t have any advice for you other than to seek marriage counseling but it seems your husband probably wouldn’t be too receptive to that idea.

I said a prayer for you and I really hope things work out.

God Bless
 
I have a suggestion, but it might come across wrong. I don’t mean this to be vengeful or to incite any anger.

When you are both in a good mood, sit down with your husband. Explain that you work 24-7 and he isn’t pulling his weight. Then suggest a fair division of work (as you have done before). Then, DON’T do the housework that he is supposed to do. Don’t wash his clothes, don’t clean his dishes, don’t pick up after him. If you do wash his clothes, put his shirts and stuff in a separate basket and don’t iron them. Put his socks on his side of the bed for sorting.

I think many men are brought up by mothers who do everything for them and it’s difficult for them to realise that that is not how things are going to continue for the rest of their lives. It may not be malicious laziness.

And again, you can’t do this in a vindictive way. And also, it might drive you insane if he never does the work you don’t do. This suggestion might work or might backfire, you’ll know best.

And the suggestion to leave the baby with him is a good one (I assume he will look after the baby well enough). Assign him sitting duty on the weekends and go out and enjoy yourself for a couple of hours.
 
Also taking care of your health is important. You should have set times that you “work out” perhaps, and short of a very serious reason your husband must be available to look after the baby for them.

I wouldn’t worry about the TV thing either. As long as the baby is not upset, take whatever breaks you can get!
 
Work your 40 hours a week, like he does, and then sit down and cuddle your baby. If he asks why you’re not cooking/cleaning/tidying/ironing, say “I’ve already worked my 40 hours this week, I need to relax.”

I bet you get through your 40 hours way before Friday. 😃
 
In our home, I have put little sticky notes on things, such as the microwave, saying cover your meal and wipe after use - by my sink I put -please wash your dish and utensils as you use them.
I put these for all household members as my kids,are older and forget too. Yes we have alot of sticky notes around, but it’s better then constantly reminding them all.

For bigger jobs such as laundry, I would send it out and get a cleaning person if I were you, as others stated. Babies are hard work, and let your dh know that you have to do this for a time because the kids needs come before housework. You can even just have someone clean the wet rooms, such as bathrooms and kitchen if you don’t mind dusting.

Many men would prefer this then actually helping , or never get to the level that you need them to anyway.
 
I’m afraid I can’t offer any constructive advice, because I was well trained (housebroken, you could say :)) by my mother, well before I got married.

Not to say I don’t make a mess once in a while, but hey, doesn’t Pope Francis want us to do that? (And who are you to judge? :))

Corny jokes aside, I think the suggestions above are excellent. Alternately, you could try asking him to pitch in with more of the baby / child-care if housework isn’t his thing. Works for me - when domestic tasks that do not yield to a masculine touch (saith the lovely Mrs. RPR: “I’ll do it better!”) then I usually take RPR Junior and introduce him to the “boys will be boys” school of parenting, which generally involves us both laughing and making a lot of noise. 😛

Praying for all of you. 🙂
 
ShrodingersCat said:
I have a suggestion, but it might come across wrong. I don’t mean this to be vengeful or to incite any anger.

When you are both in a good mood, sit down with your husband. Explain that you work 24-7 and he isn’t pulling his weight. Then suggest a fair division of work (as you have done before). Then, DON’T do the housework that he is supposed to do. Don’t wash his clothes, don’t clean his dishes, don’t pick up after him. If you do wash his clothes, put his shirts and stuff in a separate basket and don’t iron them. Put his socks on his side of the bed for sorting.

I think many men are brought up by mothers who do everything for them and it’s difficult for them to realise that that is not how things are going to continue for the rest of their lives. It may not be malicious laziness.

And again, you can’t do this in a vindictive way. And also, it might drive you insane if he never does the work you don’t do. This suggestion might work or might backfire, you’ll know best.

And the suggestion to leave the baby with him is a good one (I assume he will look after the baby well enough). Assign him sitting duty on the weekends and go out and enjoy yourself for a couple of hours.
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I think this works very well if the husband is particular about cleanliness. But as you say, he might never do the work if he simply doesn’t see it as needing to be done. My husband is a very relaxed, leisurely kind of guy. That’s awesome because it helps me relax when I need to and he doesn’t see many of my flaws or doesn’t think they are significant. But he could also live in a garbage-filled hovel and think, “This isn’t so bad. Let’s put my feet up.” 😛

One thing I have done is just inform him that if he leaves things out I’m going to put them somewhere to take care of them. I put all his junk on top of his dresser or on his side of the closet. Once or twice a year (:eek:) he cleans it out.

Since I think this is your first baby I think your husband will learn, especially as your daughter turns into a toddler who can get into a lot of things. But it’s important for you to learn how to communicate too. With one and then two littles was absolutely the hardest time in our marriage - it exposed a lot of weaknesses for both DH and me, and for a while I didn’t know if we would make it. But he wasn’t home, he didn’t see, and I wasn’t talking to him in a way he could hear. We did try counseling for a while but unfortunately neither therapist we saw was particularly good. I got more help from books by John Gottman and on love languages, and then from the therapist I saw after our second child was born who I saw alone.

Praying for you - this is a very hard adjustment for any couple!
 
Isca said:
Work your 40 hours a week, like he does, and then sit down and cuddle your baby. If he asks why you’re not cooking/cleaning/tidying/ironing, say “I’ve already worked my 40 hours this week, I need to relax.”

I bet you get through your 40 hours way before Friday. 😃
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If he has his scheduled work hours - 8-5 Monday-Friday - you should have your scheduled work hours too. Once those hours are over, you don’t work. Let the dishes go until the following morning. Don’t do that extra load of laundry in the evening. Cleaning can be put off. Count any time you spend with the baby outside of your scheduled hours; adjust your work schedule accordingly.

This all sounds pretty passive-aggressive, and perhaps it is, but it would make a pretty powerful point in short order.

Marriage is not a 40-hour-a-week vocation.
 
Viki63 said:
Xantippe’s advice is excellent, IMO.
Also, you have an eight month old baby. I would suggest you focus on the basics and let the rest go, Lower your expectations, You are exhausted, there’s no need to do unnecessary things.
I would wash the dishes, do the laundry enough for you and the baby, and make basic meals, If he wants his clothes clean, his dishes washed, he can take care of them, he has plenty of time. I would forget floor mopping, cleaning up after him, and try to simplify cleaning up after your baby sittees on Thursdays.
Caring for a little one is a full time job.
God bless.

.
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I would try to keep up with the dishes and the laundry, but feel free to do the same thing in the evening of I’m-doing-the-chore-you-be-with-the-baby for dishes and laundry or whatever. When he’s home, don’t you be both doing a chore and watching the baby unless he’s also doing a chore…

Also, do not feel compelled to put away all clean laundry. Certain items (for instance no-wrinkle dress shirts) should be immediately put on a hanger and I’d sort out the baby stuff, but nearly everything else can just live in the laundry basket until a better day.
 
Here are a couple of questions to deploy as needed:

–Babe, when you leave a big mess in the kitchen, what do you think happens to it if you don’t clean it up?
–(If he complains about watching the baby while you work) Honey, why do you think it’s easier for me to both clean the bathroom and watch the baby at the same time than it is for you to just watch the baby?

Make sure he has lots of opportunities to think about the Golden Rule dimensions of what he is doing and saying–would he like it if somebody else was doing the same thing to him?

On a different note, you should put in some baby gates eventually. That way you can pen up husband and baby in a safe room while you work, which will make being with the baby easier than if baby were racing all over the house.
 
Also, I would feel free to be open about the fact if the current situation makes you feel worried about the prospect of adding another child (or two or three or whatever) to your family.
 
Xantippe said:
Here are a couple of questions to deploy as needed:

–Babe, when you leave a big mess in the kitchen, what do you think happens to it if you don’t clean it up?
–(If he complains about watching the baby while you work) Honey, why do you think it’s easier for me to both clean the bathroom and watch the baby at the same time than it is for you to just watch the baby?

Make sure he has lots of opportunities to think about the Golden Rule dimensions of what he is doing and saying–would he like it if somebody else was doing the same thing to him?

On a different note, you should put in some baby gates eventually. That way you can pen up husband and baby in a safe room while you work, which will make being with the baby easier than if baby were racing all over the house.
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Yes to the baby gates!

Our main floor is a big circle. I put up two gates on either entrance of the kitchen, which takes care of the vast majority of the dangerous stuff kids could get into, and that frees me up to get a lot done without being right on top of them.
 
pensmama87 said:
Yes to the baby gates!

Our main floor is a big circle. I put up two gates on either entrance of the kitchen, which takes care of the vast majority of the dangerous stuff kids could get into, and that frees me up to get a lot done without being right on top of them.
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We have the same big circle setup. It’s convenient for some things (air circulation and party circulation) but if we left it alone, we could wind up with the Indianapolis 500 happening at our house.

ZOOM! ZOOM! ZOOM! ZOOM! ZOOMZOOM!
 
Xantippe said:
Don’t say you don’t appreciate it. Tell him something like, “Honey, you’re an adult. Put away your lunch stuff. Do you want me to feel like you’re a messy little kid and like I’m your mom cleaning up after you? I don’t want to be your mom.” Say it nicely! Don’t yell–just be brief and factual…
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Xantippe said:
Here are a couple of questions to deploy as needed:

–Babe, when you leave a big mess in the kitchen, what do you think happens to it if you don’t clean it up?
–(If he complains about watching the baby while you work) Honey, why do you think it’s easier for me to both clean the bathroom and watch the baby at the same time than it is for you to just watch the baby?

Make sure he has lots of opportunities to think about the Golden Rule dimensions of what he is doing and saying–would he like it if somebody else was doing the same thing to him?

On a different note, you should put in some baby gates eventually. That way you can pen up husband and baby in a safe room while you work, which will make being with the baby easier than if baby were racing all over the house.
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Have you successfully retrained an adult by these methods?

I would not complain to someone by saying “do you want me to feel like you’re a messy little kid” unless I were talking to a little kid. I don’t see how there is a “nice” way to tell a guy that. I would certainly not talk to a grown man that way, let alone my husband. It is an insult, and it isn’t less insulting when it is true.

The reason I suggested the Gottman books is that they are marriage researchers at the University of Washington who actually have re-trained married couples about how to complain and debate with the minimum harm coming to the relationship. If she wants to complain even though she is afraid of fights, I’d suggest that this is a skill that can be learned.

She does have to have the courage to say something, to keep trying to find a way to communicate.

A couple does have to have a way to lodge complaints without nagging or
 
Another idea would be to agree to have some rooms off limits to cut down on work too. When recently started using the front livingroom, and we only used one bathroom.

Some of my relatives used thier finished basements for TV and so on to keep upstairs nice.

But whatever works to decrease your work, and get dh on the same page, so you feel less burdened.
 
EasterJoy said:
Have you successfully retrained an adult by these methods?

I would not complain to someone by saying “do you want me to feel like you’re a messy little kid” unless I were talking to a little kid. I don’t see how there is a “nice” way to tell a guy that. I would certainly not talk to a grown man that way, let alone my husband. It is an insult, and it isn’t less insulting when it is true.

The reason I suggested the Gottman books is that they are marriage researchers at the University of Washington who actually have re-trained married couples about how to complain and debate with the minimum harm coming to the relationship. If she wants to complain even though she is afraid of fights, I’d suggest that this is a skill that can be learned.

She does have to have the courage to say something, to keep trying to find a way to communicate.

A couple does have to have a way to lodge complaints without nagging or
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Yes, as a matter of fact, I have. I have both a not-naturally-neat husband and a teenage daughter on the autism spectrum–this is not untested theory.

I don’t think that’s nagging, said in the right tone of voice and said once (or at the most twice). It’s totally factual, and it has to do with her feelings. She doesn’t want to feel like his mother, and he undoubtedly doesn’t want her to feel like his mother, either–so there’s a core agreement about values between the two of them.

I have a lot of history of losing my temper and getting nowhere with that, but I’ve seen lots of results recently with stating indisputable facts calmly. I won’t necessarily have the perfect case immediately, but if I think I can come up with something pretty good when I’m in the right. The thing I’ve had to work on is waiting until I have an airtight case to make (briefly).

Here’s an example. My husband, for many years believed that the most efficient way to deal with kitchen messes was to leave the debris from his breakfast or lunch on the kitchen table or counter and then to clean it up at the next meal. He believed that in all sincerity. :eek: I got mad about it many times to not much effect. Eventually, my alter ego Logic Girl was able to take over, and I was able to explain to my husband that might possibly be the case if he were living all by himself, in a house with four other people in it, it’s very unlikely that he will be the next person using the kitchen. cue harp music He finally understood! It was a miracle!

So, based on my experience, I would 1) agree with the Gottman recommendation and 2) encourage the OP to think carefully before saying what she has to say to her husband. Be nice, keep it simple, keep it factual, but be firm.
 
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