Please help - how should I talk to my husband about chores?

[EasterJoy]

Yes, as a matter of fact, I have. I have both a not-naturally-neat husband and a teenage daughter on the autism spectrum–this is not untested theory.

I don’t think that’s nagging, said in the right tone of voice and said once (or at the most twice). It’s totally factual, and it has to do with her feelings. She doesn’t want to feel like his mother, and he undoubtedly doesn’t want her to feel like his mother, either–so there’s a core agreement about values between the two of them.

I have a lot of history of losing my temper and getting nowhere with that, but I’ve seen lots of results recently with stating indisputable facts calmly. I won’t necessarily have the perfect case immediately, but if I think I can come up with something pretty good when I’m in the right. The thing I’ve had to work on is waiting until I have an airtight case to make (briefly).

Here’s an example. My husband, for many years believed that the most efficient way to deal with kitchen messes was to leave the debris from his breakfast or lunch on the kitchen table or counter and then to clean it up at the next meal. He believed that in all sincerity. I got mad about it many times to not much effect. Eventually, my alter ego Logic Girl was able to take over, and I was able to explain to my husband that might possibly be the case if he were living all by himself, in a house with four other people in it, it’s very unlikely that he will be the next person using the kitchen. cue harp music He finally understood! It was a miracle!

So, based on my experience, I would 1) agree with the Gottman recommendation and 2) encourage the OP to think carefully before saying what she has to say to her husband. Be nice, keep it simple, keep it factual, but be firm.

I think you’re saying that you tailor the communication to the guy you’re talking to and learn what is effective and enlightening to him on one hand and what is ineffective and insulting on the other.

One size does not fit all, and some methods that will not work with some people will work quite nicely with others.

I can buy that.

 

[Allegra]

My husband sometimes leaves a wake of disorder behind him. I say, “I’m not cleaning that.” And I don’t.

If he doesn’t put his laundry away, I put it on his pillow so he has to move it before he goes to bed. I need the basket and if that isn’t enough of a hint, he can go to work in wrinkly shirts or wait until I do the wash next week.

If he doesn’t do the dishes, I wait. Eventually he’ll say “What’s for dinner?” and I’ll say, “Cheese and crackers unless I can find a clean pot.”

When I get home from the grocery store I say, “The groceries are in the car. I bought you your favorite ice cream. I’m going to take a shower now.”

 

[Sarcelle]

I am not married but in my workplace there are a lot of people who do not clean up after themselves in the break room.

There are always dirty cups and plates in the sink.

Eventually a sign came up saying the following:

Your mom or wife does not work here. Please clean up after yourself.

By the way of the people in my work place, about 90% are men, so the sign applies for the vast majority.

 

[Xantippe]

My husband sometimes leaves a wake of disorder behind him. I say, “I’m not cleaning that.” And I don’t.

If he doesn’t put his laundry away, I put it on his pillow so he has to move it before he goes to bed. I need the basket and if that isn’t enough of a hint, he can go to work in wrinkly shirts or wait until I do the wash next week.

If he doesn’t do the dishes, I wait. Eventually he’ll say “What’s for dinner?” and I’ll say, “Cheese and crackers unless I can find a clean pot.”

When I get home from the grocery store I say, “The groceries are in the car. I bought you your favorite ice cream. I’m going to take a shower now.”

Tough love!

 

[Xantippe]

My husband sometimes leaves a wake of disorder behind him. I say, “I’m not cleaning that.” And I don’t.

If he doesn’t put his laundry away, I put it on his pillow so he has to move it before he goes to bed. I need the basket and if that isn’t enough of a hint, he can go to work in wrinkly shirts or wait until I do the wash next week.

If he doesn’t do the dishes, I wait. Eventually he’ll say “What’s for dinner?” and I’ll say, “Cheese and crackers unless I can find a clean pot.”

When I get home from the grocery store I say, “The groceries are in the car. I bought you your favorite ice cream. I’m going to take a shower now.”

I wouldn’t put things exactly that way (I’m not married to Mr. Allegra) but one thing I want to point out to the OP is how **short **those statements are and how clear Allegra is.

There’s no room for misunderstanding at all.

A lot of times, when we go, “WA WA WA WA WA WA WA WA WA WA WA WA WA WA WA WAWA WA WA WA!” for a couple of paragraphs the important information gets lost.

Keep it short, keep it simple, keep it clear.

 

[EasterJoy]

The main thing I would say to the OP is to understand that avoiding conflict does not prevent conflict. It just leads to eruption of a festered conflict at a time and in a way you did not choose. It leads to “I wanted to talk to him about this, but not like that.” If you don’t go out and meet this issue of complaining, compromising and improving head on, it will come looking for you. This is one of those times the hunters do far better than the hunted.

It is hard to learn to lodge complaints and field complaints, but it is worth it for a couple to come to an understanding about how to do that in a way that works for both of them. By “works,” I mean that both feel they can complain, both feel they can respond, both trust that they can work things out and each will take both sides, not just their own and not just their partner’s.

You must take your own part. Your spouse is not a mind reader and he doesn’t feel your feelings, so he can’t do that for you. You have to impress upon him what is important to you. You have to also take your husband’s part, in that you have to elicit and listen to his perceptions with the realization that you are not a mind reader and you cannot feel your partner’s feelings for him. You have to learn how he communicates, how he perceives, what his motives and priorities are. That is how you craft solutions that the whole family can live with and how you learn to repair the occasional emotional crash damage. That damage will happen, particularly if you try to believe it never will. The thing to do is to believe you can learn to deal with it together. Do that, and you’ll avoid it together better, too.

Once you’ve gone through that process, the trust will grow for each of you to raise issues with a level of trust that you two have the capacity to get to a good solution without needing a lot of self-protection in the process. I’d really suggest doing the information-gathering that you’re doing now: not just reading books or talking to other couples, but both. This is another area where you do best to avoid the pain of re-inventing wheels.

It takes maturity to manage all that well, but even for the mature, it doesn’t just happen. You have to forge the trust between each other that you can work things out without having to each getting into your own trench for a battle. It is a gradual process, and not one that is ever really over. That is one of the areas of marriage that takes continuous work, and real work it is.

 

[Xantippe]

The main thing I would say to the OP is to understand that avoiding conflict does not prevent conflict. It just leads to eruption of a festered conflict at a time and in a way you did not choose.

[snip]

**You must take your own part. Your spouse is not a mind reader and he doesn’t feel your feelings, so he can’t do that for you. You have to impress upon him what is important to you. You have to also take your husband’s part, in that you have to elicit and listen to his perceptions with the realization that you are not a mind reader and you cannot feel your partner’s feelings for him. You have to learn how he communicates, how he perceives, what his motives and priorities are. That is how you craft solutions that the whole family can live with and how you learn to repair the occasional emotional crash damage. That damage will happen, particularly if you try to believe it never will. The thing to do is to believe you can learn to deal with it together. Do that, and you’ll avoid it together better, too.
**
**Once you’ve gone through that process, the trust will grow for each of you to raise issues with a level of trust that you two have the capacity to get to a good solution without needing a lot of self-protection in the process. **I’d really suggest doing the information-gathering that you’re doing now: not just reading books or talking to other couples, but both. This is another area where you do best to avoid the pain of re-inventing wheels.

It takes maturity to manage all that well, but even for the mature, it doesn’t just happen. You have to forge the trust between each other that you can work things out without having to each getting into your own trench for a battle. It is a gradual process, and not one that is ever really over. That is one of the areas of marriage that takes continuous work, and real work it is.

Yes.

I’d add that you can expect to have to recalibrate every time there is any substantial life change–add a new kid, move, get a new job, get a new pet, move, retire, whatever.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Hi everyone I need some help. I have avoided confronting my husband because I’m afraid I’ll just get mad or we’ll fight. I have confronted him in the past and it ended in us yelling and him not taking anything I say seriously or listening to me, for that matter.
So I’m a Stay at home mom except on Thursdays I watch 3 children at my house from 7 am - 6 pm, plus my 8 month old daughter. With that said, my main job is also housekeeper, cook along with being mommy. My husband will not ever EVER help me, unless I get angry and then he will kind of “mad clean”. I don’t like this. Anyway I have tried everything, “Will you help me clean today?” “Yes honey of course,” and then nothing. I have tried making charts, which he will readily ignore, or he’ll go to go work on his car and leave me alone with that baby. he tends to make huge messes and not clean them up. Today I had the 3 children and didnt have time to make his lunch for work or clean up. I took them to the park and he said “Oh it’s so nice to have a break”. I asked him if he could just clean up his lunch mess since he would have time alone. Well he didnt do anything except spread lunch stuff everywhere and then made a joke out of it when I told him I didn’t appreciate it. I am sitting here now, exhausted and nursing my baby looking at a giant mess. Not just from him, but from the kids, my 8 month old and laundry. I don’t know what to do!! I am almost on the verge of crying I am so stressed and frustrated.
Edit: He works 5 days a week, 8 hours a day. He doesn’t uynderstand that I never get a break…I am the one who gets up with the baby, stays up with her, cleans everything, feeds her, etc etc and on weekends he spend most of his time on his computer and when i ask him to mind the baby he’ll stick her in front of the tv and keep being on his computer. I havent been able to work out in weeks because i dont have time.

I actually understand your frustration. I take care of 5 all day every day. I don’t expect my wife to clean when she gets home. That’s my job. But maybe once every two weeks she and I do a cleaning spree together. I do all the laundry, honestly we bought a new washer and dryer last year, one of the fancy kinds, and I doubt she knows how it works.. But she works 60 hours a week and has a lot of demands on her time in s high stress job. If I need her help I don’t try to find some perfect way to phrase it or do passive aggressive games, I tell her my frustration and what I need. I don’t do it often so it can’t be confused with being a whiner.
Last week for example on Wednesday night when she got home, I handed her the baby, told her I was at my limit and needed to get out. I went and shot some things in the desert with my new gun. I felt better. But I didn’t just leaver her high and dry. I bought paper plates, left the pizza company number by the phone, and called her mom to come over to help
Her. In short, I communicated my need for help and then set her up for success. When I got home, the kitchen was clean and her mom had folded and put away a huge pile of laundry. And I was set up for success for the next day. The kids were bathed and the house was peaceful.
I don’t do this often. And I didn’t do it on a day where she was spent or had other plans.

So, what if a week in advance you said. "Hey babe, on Wednesday night next week I’m going out to do whatever, can you please help me catch up with the laundry and clean the house?
Then, do whatever you want but when you get home, you have a nice nightie to reward him…

 

[Xantippe]

I actually understand your frustration. I take care of 5 all day every day. I don’t expect my wife to clean when she gets home. That’s my job. But maybe once every two weeks she and I do a cleaning spree together. I do all the laundry, honestly we bought a new washer and dryer last year, one of the fancy kinds, and I doubt she knows how it works.. But she works 60 hours a week and has a lot of demands on her time in s high stress job. If I need her help I don’t try to find some perfect way to phrase it or do passive aggressive games, I tell her my frustration and what I need. I don’t do it often so it can’t be confused with being a whiner.
Last week for example on Wednesday night when she got home, I handed her the baby, told her I was at my limit and needed to get out. I went and shot some things in the desert with my new gun. I felt better. But I didn’t just leaver her high and dry. I bought paper plates, left the pizza company number by the phone, and called her mom to come over to help
Her. In short, I communicated my need for help and then set her up for success. When I got home, the kitchen was clean and her mom had folded and put away a huge pile of laundry. And I was set up for success for the next day. The kids were bathed and the house was peaceful.
I don’t do this often. And I didn’t do it on a day where she was spent or had other plans.

So, what if a week in advance you said. **"Hey babe, on Wednesday night next week I’m going out to do whatever, can you please help me catch up with the laundry and clean the house? **
Then, do whatever you want but when you get home, you have a nice nightie to reward him…

I strongly suspect that in this household that just leaving Wednesday night for two hours and coming home to a trashed house, full laundry baskets, and a baby who still needs to be put to bed would be a pretty big deal.

Baby steps…I would suggest taking the baby out for the evening and asking him to do just one thing at home–either laundry or cleaning bathrooms or kitchen cleanup. His pick.

I remember coming home from the hospital with our second baby and finding (much to my dismay) a totally trashed house waiting for me. That was a big bummer and I just about killed myself cleaning up that first day home. But, it was a learning experience.

 

[UbiCaritas]

I strongly suspect that in this household that just leaving Wednesday night for two hours and coming home to a trashed house, full laundry baskets, and a baby who still needs to be put to bed would be a pretty big deal.

Baby steps…I would suggest taking the baby out for the evening and asking him to do just one thing at home–either laundry or cleaning bathrooms or kitchen cleanup. His pick.

I remember coming home from the hospital with our second baby and finding (much to my dismay) a totally trashed house waiting for me. That was a big bummer and I just about killed myself cleaning up that first day home. But, it was a learning experience.

Funny (in retrospect…) story…

When I went to the hospital to have DS a month ago, I left DD, age two, with DH and his college-age brother, who’s living with us this summer.

I got discharged a day early after a c-section in order to ensure that DH wouldn’t need to take a day off of work, and got home to a trashed house. We’re talking a living room literally ankle-deep in toys, food wrappers, clothes, etc. Food was sitting out on the table (not even on a plate…on the table!) that had obviously been there for days, as well as food that had been spilled on the floor and not cleaned up, food mess on the counter, dirty dishes everywhere, etc.

Fortunately my best friend had come to help for a few days, and helped me dig the house out from the garbage heap that seemed to have exploded all over it. As I finished scrubbing the counters, my BIL called me upstairs to inform me that he had just vomited in the bathroom, and that it was, essentially, everywhere except the toilet: walls, carpet, tile flooring, cabinets…

(It later turned out he had food poisoning.)

I stared at him in amazement and sort of staggered downstairs, where I told DH “BIL just puked everywhere. I had a baby via major abdominal surgery the day before yesterday and got home to spend an hour cleaning this house. There is a bucket under the sink, a bottle of disinfectant cleaner under the kitchen sink, and rags over there. I. Am. Not. Dealing. With. This. I am going to the drug store to pick up my prescriptions and an obscene amount of chocolate NOW. This is how to clean up the bathroom. Scrub your hands afterwards, because if anyone else in this house gets sick, you *will * be taking the next few days off of work.”

His response was “Ok, I’ve got it,” and he went upstairs and sorted out both BIL (up to and including sending him to bed with a large bucket next to him) and the bathroom. Was it cleaned quite to my standard? No. It was, however, far better than it had been, and he wasn’t resentful about it, either.

I learned something.

In the first instance, I didn’t tell DH, a self-proclaimed slob, that I wanted the house as clean as when I left on my return, and then got angry when he didn’t meet my unspoken expectations.

In the second, while I was angry, I was polite (if very direct) in telling DH what I needed and why I expected him to deal with something that I would ordinarily have handled, and he stepped in to help.

 

[LethalMouse]

So I hear 8 month old

“Works” on car (which I am pressuming is for fun not because he needs to get it working tonget to work)

And plays on the computer all weekend. (I asssume literally olaying and not doing soemthing important for work)

I could be wrong but I am assuming younger ages here?

It sounds like he in some ways just hasn’t figured out how to adult. And he is still in hot rod and video games mode. And I get the sense from your lunch description he isn’t being “mean” so much as treating you like he would his mom on the topic.

You may have some issues with his maturity here and I think perhaps on a weekend if you can stick him with the kid for a bit. Or set up actually maybe an outing…

I say outing because then he doesnt have his comforts. If you can get him somewhere and “stick” him with the kid for a bit. Idk… I thought about thisnpost for a bit and I see mostly the issue being immaturity on his part and that he has not “had” to really do anything.

Most concerning is all weekend on the computer. I imagine there was some but before the baby you two did more stuff together and had fun?

Now you are this wierd adult who has a kid and he goes and has fun…

It is early but in the long run that can hurt. It sounds a bit like he is treating you like a friend, you know one who is the first of a group to have kids and everyone else still parties.

Only he is forgetting it is his kid too.

 

[Xantippe]

Funny (in retrospect…) story…

When I went to the hospital to have DS a month ago, I left DD, age two, with DH and his college-age brother, who’s living with us this summer.

I got discharged a day early after a c-section in order to ensure that DH wouldn’t need to take a day off of work, and got home to a trashed house. We’re talking a living room literally ankle-deep in toys, food wrappers, clothes, etc. Food was sitting out on the table (not even on a plate…on the table!) that had obviously been there for days, as well as food that had been spilled on the floor and not cleaned up, food mess on the counter, dirty dishes everywhere, etc.

Fortunately my best friend had come to help for a few days, and helped me dig the house out from the garbage heap that seemed to have exploded all over it. As I finished scrubbing the counters, my BIL called me upstairs to inform me that he had just vomited in the bathroom, and that it was, essentially, everywhere except the toilet: walls, carpet, tile flooring, cabinets…

(It later turned out he had food poisoning.)

I stared at him in amazement and sort of staggered downstairs, where I told DH “BIL just puked everywhere. I had a baby via major abdominal surgery the day before yesterday and got home to spend an hour cleaning this house. There is a bucket under the sink, a bottle of disinfectant cleaner under the kitchen sink, and rags over there. I. Am. Not. Dealing. With. This. I am going to the drug store to pick up my prescriptions and an obscene amount of chocolate NOW. This is how to clean up the bathroom. Scrub your hands afterwards, because if anyone else in this house gets sick, you *will * be taking the next few days off of work.”

His response was “Ok, I’ve got it,” and he went upstairs and sorted out both BIL (up to and including sending him to bed with a large bucket next to him) and the bathroom. Was it cleaned quite to my standard? No. It was, however, far better than it had been, and he wasn’t resentful about it, either.

I learned something.

In the first instance, I didn’t tell DH, a self-proclaimed slob, that I wanted the house as clean as when I left on my return, and then got angry when he didn’t meet my unspoken expectations.

In the second, while I was angry, I was polite (if very direct) in telling DH what I needed and why I expected him to deal with something that I would ordinarily have handled, and he stepped in to help.

Funny! And a good save! I endorse the bedside bucket idea–we’ve done that a few times ourselves.

That sounds sit-com worthy.

I don’t remember any food garbage issues when I came home with Baby #2–it was mostly just the ankle-deep toys–but it sounds like this is a pretty standard rite of passage coming home from the hospital with a second born child if there isn’t a grandma helping out. If first born child is alive when mommy and baby come home–trophies for everybody!

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

A lot can depend on the two peoples expectations of housework. I know people who live in a messy Chaotic house and don’t care. I also know people who have to have thier house ready for Martha Stewart to visit at any time. There has to be a happy medium especially when kids are involved.

We have taken a more laid back approach. Our house would not set off alarms at health and welfare but if you dropped by in unannounced it’s gonna look like five kids are homeschooled there!

That being said there is only one person who judges us for our house, my mom. Which is why we always go over to her house to visit!

 

[Xantippe]

So I hear 8 month old

“Works” on car (which I am pressuming is for fun not because he needs to get it working tonget to work)

And plays on the computer all weekend. (I asssume literally olaying and not doing soemthing important for work)

I could be wrong but I am assuming younger ages here?

It sounds like he in some ways just hasn’t figured out how to adult. And he is still in hot rod and video games mode. And I get the sense from your lunch description he isn’t being “mean” so much as treating you like he would his mom on the topic.

You may have some issues with his maturity here and I think perhaps on a weekend if you can stick him with the kid for a bit. Or set up actually maybe an outing…

I say outing because then he doesnt have his comforts. If you can get him somewhere and “stick” him with the kid for a bit. Idk… I thought about thisnpost for a bit and I see mostly the issue being immaturity on his part and that he has not “had” to really do anything.

Most concerning is all weekend on the computer. I imagine there was some but before the baby you two did more stuff together and had fun?

**Now you are this wierd adult who has a kid and he goes and has fun…

It is early but in the long run that can hurt. It sounds a bit like he is treating you like a friend, you know one who is the first of a group to have kids and everyone else still parties.

Only he is forgetting it is his kid too.**

Yeah.

I like the idea of outings, especially once the kid is a toddler. The problem is that toddlers tend to trash things, so it’s counterproductive to try to clean anything with a toddler underfoot.

 

[heidi_storage]

Hi OP. First of all, hang in there; it takes a looong time after having a baby for things to feel normal, especially if you are breastfeeding and so the main source of nourishment for the baby. I bet Thursdays are exhausting, with three babysitting kids added to the mix!

I think there are three issues here: Communication with your husband, making your daily life a bit easier, and getting a break from the kid. I agree with previous posters, especially Easter Joy, that you need to find ways to communicate problems with your husband in a manner that’s not going to lead to huffiness, hurt feelings, and resentment on either of your parts. Make sure you two are spending some time just with each other; that’s so important.

Secondly, think about ways you can make life for yourself a bit easier. One-pot meals? Disposable dishes and silverware on Thursdays? Frozen dinners? Do your babysitting kids help pick up after themselves? As your baby grows, you can give her little “jobs” to occupy her–such as “folding” some washcloths or something, thus incorporating her into your housekeeping chores.

Finally, you clearly need time away from your baby. I love my children dearly and enjoy spending time with them most of the time, but geez, I would go completely insane if I couldn’t hand them off once in awhile. As other posters have mentioned, you need to babyproof anyway as your sweetie becomes increasingly mobile; have a safe space where you can stick the kid for a few minutes when you just need time to yourself.

At 8 months, your baby can handle a few moments without Mommy’s attention. And when your husband is minding the baby–let him. It won’t hurt the kid to sit in front of the TV for a bit.

If you don’t have a “community” to rely on for sanity breaks, get one. Even if you don’t have family in the area, there have to be mommy groups, sympathetic church women, friendly neighbors, or library or other community activities that will allow you to at least interact with others and “spread” the pressure of caring for your baby. People are very friendly toward new moms, and lots of women who have been where you are would be happy for you to call them up and ask to just drop by their house for a few minutes for a cup of tea and a chat. (And if they have older kids, you’ve got built-in playmates!)

Again, hang in there. Eight months is a really sweet age, and I hope you’ll be able to enjoy it, but it is just hard adjusting to a totally different life than what you had before. Keep the emotional connection with your husband strong, and find ways to take care of yourself.

 

[Xantippe]

Hi OP. First of all, hang in there; it takes a looong time after having a baby for things to feel normal, especially if you are breastfeeding and so the main source of nourishment for the baby. I bet Thursdays are exhausting, with three babysitting kids added to the mix!

I think there are three issues here: Communication with your husband, making your daily life a bit easier, and getting a break from the kid. I agree with previous posters, especially Easter Joy, that you need to find ways to communicate problems with your husband in a manner that’s not going to lead to huffiness, hurt feelings, and resentment on either of your parts. Make sure you two are spending some time just with each other; that’s so important.

Secondly, think about ways you can make life for yourself a bit easier. One-pot meals? Disposable dishes and silverware on Thursdays? Frozen dinners? Do your babysitting kids help pick up after themselves? As your baby grows, you can give her little “jobs” to occupy her–such as “folding” some washcloths or something, thus incorporating her into your housekeeping chores.

Finally, you clearly need time away from your baby. I love my children dearly and enjoy spending time with them most of the time, but geez, I would go completely insane if I couldn’t hand them off once in awhile. As other posters have mentioned, you need to babyproof anyway as your sweetie becomes increasingly mobile; have a safe space where you can stick the kid for a few minutes when you just need time to yourself.

At 8 months, your baby can handle a few moments without Mommy’s attention. And when your husband is minding the baby–let him. It won’t hurt the kid to sit in front of the TV for a bit.

If you don’t have a “community” to rely on for sanity breaks, get one. Even if you don’t have family in the area, there have to be mommy groups, sympathetic church women, friendly neighbors, or library or other community activities that will allow you to at least interact with others and “spread” the pressure of caring for your baby. People are very friendly toward new moms, and lots of women who have been where you are would be happy for you to call them up and ask to just drop by their house for a few minutes for a cup of tea and a chat. (And if they have older kids, you’ve got built-in playmates!)

Again, hang in there. Eight months is a really sweet age, and I hope you’ll be able to enjoy it, but it is just hard adjusting to a totally different life than what you had before. Keep the emotional connection with your husband strong, and find ways to take care of yourself.

I think that’s very good, but I have to note that there really isn’t a way to sugar coat the fact that the OP’s husband has checked out on the dad and home stuff and he’s going to have to do a lot more going forward.

As LM was noting, it is a difficult transition for a new dad, and on some level, it’s just not possible to get across the idea “you need to do more work” and it feel like a good thing. Very few people like “more work,” especially more work that they have’t personally chosen. However, one thing the OP has going for her is that a lot of daddies find babies much more relatable once they are walking around and talking a little. Also, at some point, little kids start being able to tell you what they want you to do for them. There’s also the phenomenon of toddlers glomming onto DADDY and wanting DADDY to do everything for them when he’s around. (I currently have one who wants MOMMY to do everything, but I can remember that my bigger kids often had long DADDY-preference stages.)

Developmentally speaking, there are a lot of changes ahead in the next six months to a year. On the one hand, keeping your baby safe will be harder and she’ll be capable of creating much bigger and messier messes–but on the other hand, it will be easier and easier to be able to leave her with other people over the next couple years.

 

[AdamP88]

He sounds a little immature and a lot lazy, to be blunt. I would just tell him exactly how you feel. Say what you said in the post. If he cares for you, he’d have to pay attention surely?

 

[heidi_storage]

On another note, are you still having severe feelings of fear and anxiety for your baby?

 

[EasterJoy]

He works 5 days a week, 8 hours a day. He doesn’t understand that I never get a break…I am the one who gets up with the baby, stays up with her, cleans everything, feeds her, etc etc and on weekends he spends most of his time on his computer and when i ask him to mind the baby he’ll stick her in front of the tv and keep being on his computer. I havent been able to work out in weeks because i dont have time.

I would also point out to him that he’s doing less “second shift” work than if he were single. If he does not “understand” that you never get a break, it is because he doesn’t understand that parenthood is more work than bachelorhood, nor that getting married means that a man never has to do housework or cook again. Xantippe pointed out that while you are a mother, you are not his mother. Having said that, if he was a lazy housekeeper before he married you, then you are taking on the training of an adult.

Training an adult who does not want to be trained is a hopeless task. Changing habits merely by getting the subject to want to change is not enough. Both the desire and a set-up that supports the change in habits is needed.

That means your task is both getting him to want to change and putting things in order that make change more automatic than the status quo. That doesn’t mean making him want to help you instead of doing whatever he feels like doing. It will mean helping him to see that he’ll enjoy a life where you are not exhausted all the time to one in which you are or to want to do what is right in front of him to do. (Be ready for this conversation to include the frequency with which the two of you will enjoy physical intimacy, something that has this way of disappearing when a baby is around to exhaust one or both parents and then by force of habit doesn’t come back again.)

If you have time to read, you might go to your library and check out the book, Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard . It is a book for managers and business leaders, but it explains the human psychology of changing habits. Intellectually wanting to change is not enough, because our behaviors do not come only from our pre-frontal lobes. The research findings this book explains will give you a far better idea of what ideas for change are realistic and which are not.

 

[Xantippe]

Training an adult who does not want to be trained is a hopeless task. Changing habits merely by getting the subject to want to change is not enough. Both the desire and a set-up that supports the change in habits is needed.

**That means your task is both getting him to want to change and putting things in order that make change more automatic than the status quo. **That doesn’t mean making him want to help you instead of doing whatever he feels like doing. It will mean helping him to see that he’ll enjoy a life where you are not exhausted all the time to one in which you are or to want to do what is right in front of him to do. (Be ready for this conversation to include the frequency with which the two of you will enjoy physical intimacy, something that has this way of disappearing when a baby is around to exhaust one or both parents and then by force of habit doesn’t come back again.)

Yes. Here’s a sentence to try on him that’s really hard to argue with, because it’s about you, and how you feel about your life:

“Honey, I want to be more fun and I want us to have more fun together, but I’m so overwhelmed with home stuff and home stress that I can’t be fun. I want you to help me figure out how to be fun again.”

The see what he says.