Please help me with this question about Marriage and Grave Sexual Sin

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JRCatholic1

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Hello,

I was reading in the forums and someone mentioned that an annulment can be due to one party withholding grave information, or something like that.

My question is, can me and my fiancé get married if I have not told her one of my grave sins?

I know I am a terrible sinner, and I went to a prostitute last month while we were together. I cheated, and with a prostitute… I will never do it again and I went to confession, but does she need to know this in order to be able to freely choose to marry me? Do I need to tell her?

Please help.

And pray.

Thank you.
 
If you should have marital problems and it comes to light that you had a proclivity towards infidelity, it might be a grounds for an annulment. You should be honest and upfront with her if you want to start your marriage on good footing. After all, she should have the right to not marry you if she believes you will not be faithful to her. Since your sin was so recent, it might be best to put wedding plans on hold until you’ve spoken to her and established your constancy for a good while before making vows to which you will be expected to adhere, no matter how much you are tempted to break them.
 
I’m not knowledgeable enough to answer your question, but as a medical person, I beseech you to make DARNED sure that you are disease-free before you marry a woman.

That means getting tested for HIV, as well as all the other sexually-transmitted diseases that can be picked up from prostitutes.

Please don’t assume that if you feel well, you are well.
 
I would ask a priest if you have an obligation to tell her. It is my opinion that you should, that no such things should be kept secret, but my opinion is not binding.
 
You should discuss this with your confessor. There is no rule that one must tell his spouse all his past sins but I would think that you should not attempt marriage anytime soon after being with a prostitute.
 
Cat said:
I’m not knowledgeable enough to answer your question, but as a medical person, I beseech you to make DARNED sure that you are disease-free before you marry a woman.

That means getting tested for HIV, as well as all the other sexually-transmitted diseases that can be picked up from prostitutes.

Please don’t assume that if you feel well, you are well.
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Some diseases take a while to show up in a blood test, as well, so you might want to be tested more than once. Definitely see a doctor.
 
It’s my understanding that you don’t have to tell your spouse or soon to be spouse all of your sins.

However, if you knowingly withhold information because it would affect your partner’s decision to marry you then you are tricking them and marrying under false pretenses, and that is grounds for annulment.
 
JRCatholic1 said:
Hello,

I was reading in the forums and someone mentioned that an annulment can be due to one party withholding grave information, or something like that.

My question is, can me and my fiancé get married if I have not told her one of my grave sins?

I know I am a terrible sinner, and I went to a prostitute last month while we were together. I cheated, and with a prostitute… I will never do it again and I went to confession, but does she need to know this in order to be able to freely choose to marry me? Do I need to tell her?

Please help.

And pray.

Thank you.
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You should tell her so that she can make an informed decision about whether or not she still wants to marry you.
 
Thank you for responding.

First of all, it was not sex… it was a hand job, sorry I don’t know a more polite way of saying that.

Secondly, I am 99% sure she would still marry me. She would just be in pain and feel betrayed for months, and that is what I want to avoid.

Thirdly, I will ask a priest.

Again, thank you. Keep me in your prayers and I will keep you all in mine.
 
JRCatholic1 said:
Hello,

I was reading in the forums and someone mentioned that an annulment can be due to one party withholding grave information, or something like that.

My question is, can me and my fiancé get married if I have not told her one of my grave sins?

I know I am a terrible sinner, and I went to a prostitute last month while we were together. I cheated, and with a prostitute… I will never do it again and I went to confession, but does she need to know this in order to be able to freely choose to marry me? Do I need to tell her?

Please help.

And pray.

Thank you.
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This is a very gray area.

We are under no obligation to confess our sins to anyone besides the priest in the confessional. Not even your wife or husband has the right to know our sins, and what we confess.

However, certain sins affect the ability to enter into marriage. If your sin was having yourself sterilized, you would certainly need to tell your fiance, as it affects your marriage being “open to life”. If you were having an ongoing affair, that would affect you intention towards fidelity in marriage.

This case seems to fall in between, though. If this was truly a one-off horrible mistake that you’ll never do again, I don’t think you need to tell her. Just get to confession and a Dr. ASAP.

If, however, this is part of a pattern, she needs to know.

God Bless
 
JRCatholic1 said:
Thank you for responding.

First of all, it was not sex… it was a hand job, sorry I don’t know a more polite way of saying that.

Secondly, I am 99% sure she would still marry me. She would just be in pain and feel betrayed for months, and that is what I want to avoid.

Thirdly, I will ask a priest.

Again, thank you. Keep me in your prayers and I will keep you all in mine.
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I wouldn’t be so sure. It’s one thing to forgive an accident, as in, when things get out of control with a friend/acquaintance/one night stand as a spur of the moment thing. It’s another to forgive the intentional seeking out of sexual activity, especially to the point of resorting to a prostitute. Even if as a wife she would normally try to forgive that, there is no reasonable assumption that as a girlfriend or fiance she would. Nor is she under any obligation to do so.

(As a wife I wouldn’t even try to forgive that.)
 
BlueEyedLady said:
I wouldn’t be so sure. It’s one thing to forgive an accident, as in, when things get out of control with a friend/acquaintance/one night stand as a spur of the moment thing. It’s another to forgive the intentional seeking out of sexual activity, especially to the point of resorting to a prostitute. Even if as a wife she would normally try to forgive that, there is no reasonable assumption that as a girlfriend or fiance she would. Nor is she under any obligation to do so.

(As a wife I wouldn’t even try to forgive that.)
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I don’t know. I think I’d feel worse if it were a friend of ours that was involved. It would mean that I couldn’t trust him around any other woman if he felt free to sin just because his feelings overtook him. A prostitute is definitely bad, but at least it doesn’t mean dragging a friend or “good” woman into sin with him. Either way, it wouldn’t be easy to forgive. I agree that it would be a real trial for any marriage.
 
Della said:
I don’t know. I think I’d feel worse if it were a friend of ours that was involved. It would mean that I couldn’t trust him around any other woman if he felt free to sin just because his feelings overtook him. A prostitute is definitely bad, but at least it doesn’t mean dragging a friend or “good” woman into sin with him. Either way, it wouldn’t be easy to forgive. I agree that it would be a real trial for any marriage.
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Oh, I wouldn’t forgive either, especially if we weren’t married. But while it would be emotionally harder if it were a friend, it would be more understandable that something “just happened” than it would that he premeditated it and actively sought out someone to cheat on me with.
 
I don’t think (I may be wrong) that there is a cut and dry, unambiguous “Catholic Answer” for this scenario. One is not obligated to confess all one’s grave sins to a fiancé. However, I am inclined to agree with the majority here in saying that this is a sufficiently serious betrayal of trust to make it plausible she would not marry you if she knew it, and that this in turn makes it necessary for her to be told so she can make an informed decision.

In any case get advice from a priest (perhaps the priest you confessed to in the first place, to avoid having to tell still another person). Don’t trust an internet forum for such an important decision.
 
Dear JRCatholic1,

You will need to tell your fiancé so she can make an informed decision regarding your future marriage. Your sexual behavior has a direct impact upon her.

You will need to ask yourself what led, or caused, you to have sex with a prostitute. If you’re sexually acting out, you will need to know the cause so you can gain mastery over lust.

Without knowing this information in detail, which you can do by carefully examining your life, even if that means going back to your childhood to find the answer, you may repeat the sin.

Such an examination will help you take full responsibility for your actions and may help you restore your relationship with your fiancé.

Please be aware, though, that your fiancé will most likely be hurt by this incident.
 
JRCatholic1 said:
Thank you for responding.

First of all, it was not sex… it was a hand job, sorry I don’t know a more polite way of saying that.

Secondly, I am 99% sure she would still marry me. She would just be in pain and feel betrayed for months, and that is what I want to avoid.

Thirdly, I will ask a priest.

Again, thank you. Keep me in your prayers and I will keep you all in mine.
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If it were me I would still want you to tell me, even though it would be painful. If your fiance is anything like me then you absolutely should tell her. I would much much rather live with the pain of betrayal for months than have been betrayed, and then lied to about it, and live a lie as though nothing had ever happened. I don’t like being deceived, especially by those who I hold closest and dearest, the closest person of all, of course being ones own spouse. I personally think it is morally wrong to hide such a serious betrayal from ones spouse or spouse-to-be unless you know the person in question would prefer not to know. In marriage you are supposed to give yourself fully to your spouse, have your spouse become another self, let your spouse come to truly know you in all aspects of who you are. How can this kind of relationship exist if you hide such important aspects of yourself from your spouse? (or spouse to be) It isn’t possible, which is why I would feel far more betrayed by my husband hiding something like this from me than by the fact that he cheated on me in the first place. If your fiancee is anything like me, or views marriage as being the kind of relationship I do, then you absolutely have to tell her now, before you get married.
 
JRCatholic1 said:
Thank you for responding.

First of all, it was not sex… it was a hand job, sorry I don’t know a more polite way of saying that.

Secondly, I am 99% sure she would still marry me. She would just be in pain and feel betrayed for months, and that is what I want to avoid.

Thirdly, I will ask a priest.

Again, thank you. Keep me in your prayers and I will keep you all in mine.
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Yes, please, please, please talk to a priest about this.
 
I’d still see a doctor too. Chances are smaller that you could have caught something, but it’s still there, and she’s been exposed to who knows what, and by extension, you have too, even if was “just” what you described.
 
Please do not even contemplate entering marriage with this lady until you have told
her.If you seriously think you could carry this burden through marriage you are deluding yourself! You have betrayed this girl and it’s only right and proper that she gets time to absorb and react to your action. If you really love her as much as you claim then you have one shot at persuading her to allow you to prove your fidelity and loyalty…good luck to you on that score but she must be given the choice to accept you or shun you. Prayer and time are essential at this time and I will certainly remember you in my prayers tonight. God Bless
 
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