Please help me with this question about Marriage and Grave Sexual Sin

[Artar1]

@Antecedent,

There’s nothing like quoting the Bible out of context.

There is a significant difference among lust that flashes through one’s mind, which should not be divulged, lust in one’s heart for an enduring, non-consummated love, something Christ alluded to and should be divulged as appropriate, and lust that has led to senseless, premeditated fornication and infidelity, of which the OP is guilty by his own admission. His behavior shows a deep-seated emotional problem.

You have encouraged the OP to take yet another sinful step through moral cowardice by telling him to commit deceit, and maybe fraud, and then justify his actions by citing a right—knowing what’s best for another—which is the providence of God, not man. In this context, no one knows, other than the fiancé, what’s best for her; thus, only the truth will do so she can decide which course of action suits her needs best; anything else is presumptuous or self-serving or both.

 

[davetv]

I have heard the argument before that not telling a spouse of a “momentary” infidelity being the moral choice. The concept is that you are only telling to unburden yourself, but you are destroying the peace your spouse feels to relieve your conscience. The conditions are it was a “one-time” thing that you commit to NEVER happening again, and you live with the regret by yourself the rest of your life.

But this idea is meant to protect the spouse AND preserve the bond of marriage. Here there is no bond. They are engaged, not married. In this situation the very clear and moral thing to do is to tell the fiancee and give her the freedom (she currently has) to make a choice.

Although I have never been unfaithful to my fiancee (now my wife of 10 years), I did tell her I was “damaged good” (not a virgin). Not something one likes to confess but I wanted to give her the freedom to choose because I love her and wouldn’t want to hurt her.

Love requires courage.

 

[Joe_5859]

I have heard the argument before that not telling a spouse of a “momentary” infidelity being the moral choice. The concept is that you are only telling to unburden yourself, but you are destroying the peace your spouse feels to relieve your conscience. The conditions are it was a “one-time” thing that you commit to NEVER happening again, and you live with the regret by yourself the rest of your life.

But this idea is meant to protect the spouse AND preserve the bond of marriage. Here there is no bond. They are engaged, not married. In this situation the very clear and moral thing to do is to tell the fiancee and give her the freedom (she currently has) to make a choice.

Although I have never been unfaithful to my fiancee (now my wife of 10 years), I did tell her I was “damaged good” (not a virgin). Not something one likes to confess but I wanted to give her the freedom to choose because I love her and wouldn’t want to hurt her.

Love requires courage.

That’s pretty much how I feel about it, too. It makes a difference whether it is before or after the marriage vows. But hopefully the OP is also talking this all out with a priest. That he would seek out a prostitute is indicative that he needs some pastoral guidance and healing.

 

[FrenzyJen]

This thread makes me so sick that so many people think it’s okay to keep secrets like this from their spouses for their spouses “sake”. Disgusting disgusting!!! So if you get an STD from somewhere, you only have to tell her if you aren’t married yet? I’ll pray for all of you.

 

[Xantippe]

FrenzyJen said:

"This thread makes me so sick that so many people think it’s okay to keep secrets like this from their spouses for their spouses “sake”. "

It really is a bit more of a moral dilemma if you’re married, have children, and you know that your spouse would be very likely to leave you if you confessed. In that case, entirely innocent 3rd parties will be punished for their parent’s sin.

 

[thewanderer]

FrenzyJen said:

"This thread makes me so sick that so many people think it’s okay to keep secrets like this from their spouses for their spouses “sake”. "

It really is a bit more of a moral dilemma if you’re married, have children, and you know that your spouse would be very likely to leave you if you confessed. In that case, entirely innocent 3rd parties will be punished for their parent’s sin.

And if you pass your spouse an STD no innocent parties are being injured? If you deceive your spouse by hiding the truth from them you are also not injuring an innocent party? I understand why people find those situations more difficult, but I think its a very real problem that people associate the consequences of cheating with the act of telling the truth rather than with the cheating itself. Maybe if people realized that those things are the direct result and consequences of their act of cheating rather than something that can be avoided by just deceiving the person they are supposed to love most they would think a little harder and have more of a deterrant from actually cheating. If the spouse leaves and the innocent kids get hurt, that is because the person cheated, not because he was honest about it. Even the Catholic Church says that such an injured spouse is perfectly within their rights to leave in such a situation, even if the cheating spouse is repentant, because the cheating spouse has broken the fidelity of their marriage bond. The Church obviously strongly recommends the injured party to forgive and reconcile, but does not require it. Instead, since the injured party has a moral right to separate in such a case they also have a right to know when such a thing occurs. Injuring them by denying them this right is not ok even if you are trying to prevent a terrible tragedy. The ends do not justify the means folks. If you don’t want to break up your family, its pretty simple, don’t cheat once you cheat its no longer in your hands. And denying the injured party the opportunity to leave and protect themselves from disease and further injury is wrong, no matter what your “good intentions” are. The ends do not justify the means. Even if the ends is to keep a family intact and protect innocent children.

 

[Antecedent]

Please read the OP’s posts.

STDs are not an issue (see post #9)

He is not married, and has taken no vows (see post #1)

He has confessed it to a priest, expressed contrition, and vowed to never do it again. See post #1 again.

Now go read John chapter 8, verse 3-11, where Jesus delivers the adulterous woman.

Imagine now that you were there, part of that exchange, and then the adulterous woman then came to you, after being forgiven by Christ himself, asked the same question the OP asked about needing to tell a future spouse about her past sins. What would you say? I would find it difficult to imagine that I would impose such a requirement on her after being forgiven by Christ.

Is not Catholic confession being forgiven by Christ himself? How do we now impose some additional requirement on this poster that we would not impose on the adulterous woman?

 

[thewanderer]

Please read the OP’s posts.

STDs are not an issue (see post #9)

He is not married, and has taken no vows (see post #1)

He has confessed it to a priest, expressed contrition, and vowed to never do it again. See post #1 again.

Now go read John chapter 8, verse 3-11, where Jesus delivers the adulterous woman.

Imagine now that you were there, part of that exchange, and then the adulterous woman then came to you, after being forgiven by Christ himself, asked the same question the OP asked about needing to tell a future spouse about her past sins. What would you say? I would find it difficult to imagine that I would impose such a requirement on her after being forgiven by Christ.

Is not Catholic confession being forgiven by Christ himself? How do we now impose some additional requirement on this poster that we would not impose on the adulterous woman?

You are aware that if he hides anything from his fiance because he is afraid that telling her would mean she wouldn’t marry him their marriage will not be valid, yes?

 

[pensmama87]

Please read the OP’s posts.

STDs are not an issue (see post #9)

He is not married, and has taken no vows (see post #1)

He has confessed it to a priest, expressed contrition, and vowed to never do it again. See post #1 again.

Now go read John chapter 8, verse 3-11, where Jesus delivers the adulterous woman.

Imagine now that you were there, part of that exchange, and then the adulterous woman then came to you, after being forgiven by Christ himself, asked the same question the OP asked about needing to tell a future spouse about her past sins. What would you say? I would find it difficult to imagine that I would impose such a requirement on her after being forgiven by Christ.

Is not Catholic confession being forgiven by Christ himself? How do we now impose some additional requirement on this poster that we would not impose on the adulterous woman?

Post #9 does not guarantee no STDs. There are many variables that could make this a very real possibility, especially since a prostitute’s line of work makes it very likely that she has been exposed to these diseases.

And this woman may very well forgive him - while at the same time determining that he is not an appropriate husband for her. But she is not even being given the opportunity to forgive.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

He is not married, and has taken no vows (see post #1)

That’s the crux of the issue. They are not married. That means they’re still DISCERNING. You can’t properly discern unless you have all relevant information. He is withholding something huge that may very well affect her discernment and choice to marry him. That behavior does not bode well for a marriage, but it works very well for an annulment. Think about that.

I can’t believe that you think an innocent party should be tricked into marrying someone who visits prostitutes after proposing to her.

 

[Evania]

Please read the OP’s posts.

STDs are not an issue (see post #9)

He is not married, and has taken no vows (see post #1)

He has confessed it to a priest, expressed contrition, and vowed to never do it again. See post #1 again.

Now go read John chapter 8, verse 3-11, where Jesus delivers the adulterous woman.

Imagine now that you were there, part of that exchange, and then the adulterous woman then came to you, after being forgiven by Christ himself, asked the same question the OP asked about needing to tell a future spouse about her past sins. What would you say? I would find it difficult to imagine that I would impose such a requirement on her after being forgiven by Christ.

Is not Catholic confession being forgiven by Christ himself? How do we now impose some additional requirement on this poster that we would not impose on the adulterous woman?

Simple question:

Why do you feel that this woman has no right to make an informed decision as to if she wants to marry a man that has cheated on her in the course of their courtship?

 

[tskrobacz]

Hello,

I was reading in the forums and someone mentioned that an annulment can be due to one party withholding grave information, or something like that.

My question is, can me and my fiancé get married if I have not told her one of my grave sins?

I know I am a terrible sinner, and I went to a prostitute last month while we were together. I cheated, and with a prostitute… I will never do it again and I went to confession, but does she need to know this in order to be able to freely choose to marry me? Do I need to tell her?

Please help.

And pray.

Thank you.

Alanon Step 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

 

[Rau]

This thread makes me so sick that so many people think it’s okay to keep secrets like this from their spouses for their spouses “sake”. Disgusting disgusting!!! So if you get an STD from somewhere, you only have to tell her if you aren’t married yet? I’ll pray for all of you.

The STD represents explicit and certain ‘danger’, and no argument can be made to not have it treated to remove the threat. Whether the sordid story is shared with the fiancé can at the very least be subjected to an analysis of the pros and cons.

 

[davetv]

This thread makes me so sick that so many people think it’s okay to keep secrets like this from their spouses for their spouses “sake”. Disgusting disgusting!!! So if you get an STD from somewhere, you only have to tell her if you aren’t married yet? I’ll pray for all of you.

Although getting an STD in this situation is a possibility, it’s not a probability. You would be more likely to get hepatitis from a meal at a bad restaurant.

The real problem is the infidelity, of which the OP should confess to his intended.

But, not every moral dilemma can be painted with the same brush. I don’t plan on cheating on my wife so I can not say what I would do but I can see how one can make that decision if they were married with children and committed to never doing it again. Although they should discuss it at length with a good priest confessor.

 

[Evania]

Let’s stick to the subject matter at hand which is dealing with before marriage. The OP is having trouble discerning whether he should tell his fiancée of his unfaithfulness. Now, we have a group of people informing him that that while it is wrong for him to not tell his fiancée, it might actually be unwise to tell his wife.

How about, you leave the decision to the person you’ve wronged? :newidea:

You made your decision to be unfaithful, so now it’s your spouse’s/fiancée’s turn to make a decision. If you don’t like their decision, so be it. I doubt they approved of your decision to cheat on them.

Yes, it’s pretty sad if there’s a divorce with kids involved, but the fault lies with the parent that knowingly committed an act of infidelity not the wronged spouse/fiancée for walking away. It’s not like cheating is an act of amnesia, where the fiancé/spouse forgets that they have a partner and possibly children. It’s a sin in which you desert your entire family.

 

[Evania]

Davetv:

Although getting an STD in this situation is a possibility, it’s not a probability. You would be more likely to get hepatitis from a meal at a bad restaurant.

It’s not probable to get an STD from a prostitute? What a reckless attitude to have.

To suggest that he may not be endangering the life of his fiancée any more than if she would eat at “bad restaurant” is stunning. :tsktsk:

 

[davetv]

Davetv:

Although getting an STD in this situation is a possibility, it’s not a probability. You would be more likely to get hepatitis from a meal at a bad restaurant.

It’s not probable to get an STD from a prostitute? What a reckless attitude to have.

To suggest that he may not be endangering the life of his fiancée any more than if she would eat at “bad restaurant” is stunning. :tsktsk:

Reread the OP original situation rather than dreaming up scenarios. In THIS particular situation what I stated is true.

Let’s try to stick to his moral dilemma. Rather than bringing up “imaginary problems.” He knows what he did was sinful and he should confess to his fiancee.

 

[FrenzyJen]

OP has peaced out; He hasn’t logged in since the 9th. Unfortunately, I am afraid he may have just wanted the artificial peace of confessing to anonymous strangers.

I hope he tells her.

 

[Joe_5859]

OP has peaced out; He hasn’t logged in since the 9th. Unfortunately, I am afraid he may have just wanted the artificial peace of confessing to anonymous strangers.

I hope he tells her.

He did say in his final post that he will talk to a priest about it. Hopefully he follows through on that.

 

[4GBPrayerLife]

I know I am a terrible sinner, and I went to a prostitute last month while we were together. I cheated, and with a prostitute… I will never do it again and I went to confession

If you really are sincere and able to NEVER do it again, don’t tell her. She shouldn’t be burdened by your sin just to relieve your guilt.

If this is a symptom of a problem, sexual addiction perhaps, then you should tell her about the problem. SHE DOESN’T NEED THE DETAILS. But you should urge her to see a doctor and get tested.

Either way, don’t marry her… PLEASE. You need to man up here and realize weather this was a mistake or part of a pattern, you are not ready for marriage.

Trust me, I was her.