Please, Help Me!

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dis_Grace

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I am in need of help. I am a man in my early 30’s and married and a father. I have struggled with sins of impurity for 18+ years. I have always been a Catholic, I started to take my faith serious 2 years ago. I know what I am doing is wrong but I can’t seem to stop it. I’ve read the books, talked to priests, had prayers done for me, etc. I go to confession every week, I go to Mass 3 times a week, I try to receive the Eucharist at every Mass, AS LONG AS I AM NOT IN A STATE OF MORTAL SIN. I was so bad so many years, I am making very little progress, my marriage is “ok” for now, it’s by the grace of God it’s as good as it is. I feel like I’m living 2 lives. I wear the Miraculous medal, I consecrated my heart to Mary 3-25-04, I know I am supposed to pray when I am tempted, but when I get tempted my mind goes blank, the attraction of the sin is all I can see. I know I am supposed to advoid occassions of sin, but can’t seem too, I pray daily, I say a Rosary daily, I read the Bible daily. I don’t know if I really love God, if I did I would quit this, right. I think I love God but I must not, I did some research on the topic of Masturbation and they say 95% of all men do it regularly, even though they don’t admit it, they tried to justify it, I want to stop, but I can’t. I’m acting like a horny teenager instead of a grown man. I’ve heard to make the sign of the cross, say the names of Jesus and Mary, pray, etc. That’s all fine and dandy but if your mind goes blank then what? Can anyone help me? Someone has to be able to give me advice. My wife doesn’t know about any of this. Are there any books or any suggestions. Please somebody help me!!!
 
I have posted something to you in your private mailbox. (I do not wish this thread to close due to…personal information).

I will certainly pray for you and I am sure you will get all the support you need!

Go with God!
Edwin

P.S. I pray you are not in a Pornography addiction. Anyway, keep your computer in a public area of your house.
 
You have fallen into an addiction and it is going to be tough to break it.

A handful of suggestions.
  • Give yourselves as many reminders as you can at the places where you are likely to fall into this sin. Pictures of your mother, wife, Mary, and Jesus so they can watch what you do.
  • Wear wool mittens of your hands in the places of potential sin.
  • Remove some of the sexual temptations from the culture. Watch better TV avoid the sexual shows.
  • Success is one day free at a time.
  • Develop a habit of invoking Jesus often. (This will become a reminder to fight the urge.)
  • Wear clothing that makes it more difficult to do.
  • Talk to your wife about it and ask her to help you break your habit.
  • Get an Annointing of the Sick to strengthen you in breaking the addiction.
  • Pray repeatedly for the grace to overcome it.
 
:gopray2: I hurt for you. I am a female married 34 years to the same guy. I fight a similar battle but my thoughts are caused by OCD. I face an almost constant battle whenever I pray or read anything scriptural or watch any religious programming on TV. It is very difficult.

In your case, you say all you can see is the temptation. CLOSE YOUR EYES, literally, and keep them closed while praying and calling upon the Lord. Read in the Psalms the ones where David is crying out to the Lord in times of distress or trouble. Daily put on the whole armor of God as Paul tells us.
 
Check Your diocese for a good Catholic Psychologist. We have a Catholic Counseling Center in our diocese. Hope you have one close to you. May God bless your efforts to find a solution.

Deacon Tony
 
I’d say you are making progress. You are trying, you care, you are praying, you are seeking the sacraments, and you are reading and thus informing your intellect so that your will may be guided the more strongly. Excellent books include:

Charity and Sex and the Young Man Raterman, 1967, RCB reissue.
The Christian Meaning of Human Sexuality, Quay, 1985, Ignatius.

Also, check out Lambert Dolphin’s web site, linked here through Google to give you a search on masturbation.

For me the tipping point was to make aspirational prayers at the first onset of an inappropriate thought. The prayer that helped me especially was “Jesus, Mary, I love you, Save souls.” In one short prayer, I found that my thoughts were (a) directed toward God rather than toward something inappropriate, (b) directed toward true love of God rather than false love, (c) directed toward the love of others rather than an absurd fascination with myself, and (d) directed toward key Christian concepts of salvation and intercessory prayer, rather than toward my own false pleasure. Perhaps for you it will be another prayer. Aspirational prayer at a moment of stress is something you can make recourse to.
 
What is your diocese? I could give some phone numbers for you for Catholic therapists in the area who are willing and very able to help. I’m in therapy for similiar reasons dealing with sexual impurity (along with alot of other, smaller things). I was very very nervous at first, but after the first 20 minutes, I was fine. I felt so much better afterwards. Now, they are going to challenge you to make changes in your life and it’s going to be up to you to make those challenges. But it is all for the better.

=) I am praying for you.
 
In my experience Satan loves watching us struggle and fall back into sin. He Hates It when we say “I know what this is and I am going to offer this up to be joined with Christ’s sacrifice .” What you are doing is changing the discussion. You aren’t discussing whether you are going to sin. You are discussing who can benefit from your sacrifice and then you will sacrifice the choice to sin on their behalf.
For example you feel driven to porn or whatever. You say, I offer up the temptation to look/ listen to etc. for_________(fill in the blank). I join this sacrifice with Christ’s perfect redemptive sacrifice. {I would recommend then doing something else like being around people if your sin of choice involves solitude. Also plan and do something loving for the people you love. }
Satan hates this big time. Satan hates us using his temptations for the good of others. Soon the intense desire to sin diminishes. Soon your response will be more automatic. Soon Satan will be sorry he messed with you.
This works, I’ll be praying for you:thumbsup:
 
A suggestion—improve your relationship with your wife. Make her the focal point of your desires. Explain to her—you want your relationship with her to be as you want your relationship to be with Christ—Bride and Bridegroom—making such a committment will take much work and prayer—but He will help you.

YBIC
Dax
 
ms cilantro:
In my experience Satan loves watching us struggle and fall back into sin. He Hates It when we say “I know what this is and I am going to offer this up to be joined with Christ’s sacrifice .” What you are doing is changing the discussion. You aren’t discussing whether you are going to sin. You are discussing who can benefit from your sacrifice and then you will sacrifice the choice to sin on their behalf.
For example you feel driven to porn or whatever. You say, I offer up the temptation to look/ listen to etc. for_________(fill in the blank). I join this sacrifice with Christ’s perfect redemptive sacrifice. {I would recommend then doing something else like being around people if your sin of choice involves solitude. Also plan and do something loving for the people you love. }
Satan hates this big time. Satan hates us using his temptations for the good of others. Soon the intense desire to sin diminishes. Soon your response will be more automatic. Soon Satan will be sorry he messed with you.
This works, I’ll be praying for you:thumbsup:
Click to expand...
Excellent advice, very good.
 
first of all, i wanna tell ya that i had the same problem you did for a greater portion of my life, tho i’m 17…

Ok, my post is really long, so it won’t let me post it all at once… I apologize for the length of this, but i felt it was necessary… I encourage you to read this post, which will be divided into two different posts…

This is what i suggest you do, it is what has helped me the most.
You might have heard some of this before, but i will post it just incase…
  1. Find out what times you feel most vulnerable to falling, and find out what triggers your falling, then work on it from that standpoint. For example, if watching a certain TV show arouses you, dont watch that show anymore. If, at a certain time of day, you are just aroused, find something else to fill up that time of day. If you keep busy with other things, you can fill that void that has led to your habitual sin. What i did was stopped watching TV all together, cuz i found it was my biggest downfall. I couldn’t control myself when i watched it, and so i cut it out.
  2. Keep on Keeping on. Keep visiting the sacraments. Keep up with Mass and Confession. I recommend jumping from Mass 3 times a week to daily mass, it is a big help. Keep praying. Even if it may seem like your prayers aren’t being answered, God hears you, and He will help you. Our God is a Merciful, Loving God who wants nothing more than for us to be with Him for all Eternity.
  3. NEVER LOSE HOPE!!! don’t let despair overtake you. This is a problem that is hard to cope with, especially when you wanna conquer it so badly, but don’t let your innability to defeat it overnight sway you. Addictions are hard to break, and they do not just go away overnight. But don’t despaire, for there is always Hope in the name of God!!! Don’t despair, cuz that’s what satan wants for you. he wants you to fall into this trap so that he can ensnair you in another way. You are not, i repeat NOT, ever outside of God’s Love, reguardless of the state of your soul. God always loves you. You may not be able to directly commune with Him, but His ever powerful Love is always, ALWAYS with us.
  4. You do love God, and it seems to me that it is a great and wonderful Love you have for God! If you didn’t love God, you wouldn’t worry about this. As far as i’m concerned, you devoutly love your God, but you’ve also got an addiction. The two may seem like they nullify one another, but your love for God is so much more powerful than any bondage to the flesh. You can overcome your addiction because of the Magnificent Love you have for God, and because of the Wondrous Love God has for you!
(post 1 of 2)
 
Here’s part two…
  1. Tell your wife. She needs to know. I know, if you’re reading this, you have to be thinking, “that RebirthFlame kid is nuts! i’m not gonna do that!!!” But, telling your wife does numerous things! First of all, when your wife and you were married, you took vows to be with each other thru thick and thin. Your relationship is stronger than this addiction. She will help you because she loves you. Secondly, if you tell your wife, you then have a person that you can go to for support when you need it. You have someone that you can turn to for help when you feel weakest. and who better than your spouse, with whom you have formed a bond that can never be broken. Thirdly, it greatly humbles yourself. It tells God that you are willing to admit your faults. humbling ourselves by telling someone who can help us shows God that we know we can’t do this without support. It shows God that we acknowledge our weaknesses as humans and that we need help. This sets aside all pride and makes reaching God our main objective.
  2. This is my last point… Going back to the support unit i mentioned with your wife. It is good to have someone you can go to when you need help. When you feel weakest, it’s good to have someone that you can call or simply turn to for help in overcoming the situation. It’s hard to do this, but necessary. Your wife is the best person to do this for you, but it doesn’t help to have more than one person to turn to, say if you’re at work and have some sort of temptational attack and you can’t get ahold of your wife.
Community and prayer will pull you through this. it won’t be easy by any stretch of the imagination. I know because i suffered the same thing. But, lemme tell ya, it is soooooo worth every second of it! i said community and prayer are what will bring you through, and as Catholics we have that access always just a prayer away! We have the Communion of Saints! We can ask for help from those on earth and in heaven, and offer up our struggles for those in purgatory or on earth. This is the Greatest Community we could ever hope to have: All those here on earth, in purgatory, and in Heaven, present in One Body, the Body of Christ! This Community will not fail you.

Don’t give up, and don’t give in! i will truly be praying for you and for your family!

May the Blessings of the Most Holy and Loving Trinity rest within your heart now and forever!

~nate

ps… if you ever need to talk, feel free to send me a private message… I will be here for you too, if you need help!

(post 2 of 2)
 
…”the greatness comes not when things go always good for you, but the greatness comes and you are really tested, when you take some knocks, some disappointments, when sadness comes, because only if you have been in the deepest valley can you ever know how magnificent it is to be on the highest mountain.” —Richard Nixon

This may sound simplistic, but you might consider putting a blocker on your computer that will block adult content.

As for masturbation, perhaps you could condition yourself to where if you find yourself in a situation where you’re liable to get aroused, you’ll think of something or someone unarousing. Aversion therapy basically.

You’re making more progress than I am, friend. I had rejection after rejection from girls all through school,. In college my fear of girls turned into indifference. Then indifference turned into anger, hostility, and mysogyny. Then homosexual urges started coming into the picture. I told myself that I’d never really thought of girls anyway as anything other than an ornament on my arm. I’d thought if I had an attractive girl, then people might like me and think I was cool.

There’d been hints of that for years (not the least of which was my habit of stealing pictures out of teen idol magazines at the grocery store), but it wasn’t until college that I began to name them for what they were.The idea initially terrified and disgusted me, but as time passed I got seduced more and more. I was about 22 or 23 before I ever masturbated, and I’ve never thought of anything but men when I’ve done that.

When I was in high school my family and I left the Methodist Church because we heard it was becoming more accepting of the homosexual lifestyle. But years later, when I fell prey to homosexual feelings myself, I felt like a hypocrite picking churches based on their positions on homosexuality. And there was also the paradoxical matter of my political conservatism.

I spent lots of time in the college library, looking for a loophole, a way to get out of my homosexual feelings. The closest thing I found was Lionel Oversey’s theory of “pseudo-homosexuality,” which holds that a man, if he experiences a trauma with women, can fall into this condition. He thinks the following formula: I am less than a man, I am weak, I am castrated,I am a woman, I am a homosexual. Ovesey says men like that aren’t really gay. They have homosexual thoughts and fantasies, but would never actually go through with a gay encounter, and they are therefore neurotic heterosexuals.This theory was comforting for awhile, but then I got more and more interested in men, and thought, “Why bother ridding myself of something I enjoy?”

And then I got access to gay porn, first magazines, then online material. In fact, my compulsion for porn was what taught me most of my computer skills initially. I even put myself at great risk looking up and printing that stuff on computers after hours at work.
 
[continued]

I’d always wanted kids, but was now having a lot of trouble picturing myself in a marriage. Then even the idea of children seemed hazy.

I was attracted to images of younger men, and the thing about porn is there’s often a fine line between young subjects and subjects that are minors. I felt like a pedophile and hated myself even more!

I confided my feelings to a few gay friends, just glad to be able to unburden myself of that, and also, for that matter, to exchange salacious talk and ideas. I began to get bolder, even openly flirting and pursuing some guys, but THANK GOD He’s held me back! I’ve managed through His grace to avoid actually having sex, with men or with women for that matter. I’m in my 40s and am still a virgin.

But as a teenager it was never my plan to have sex outside of marriage anyway. I wasn’t especially over-sexed then. And I learned I may have been molested as a child by my biological father, who apparently was bi-sexual, so I told myself that that explains and excuses why I’m so screwed up.

As time passed and the idea of marriage got put off and put off and finally all but given up on, I still maintained I’d only have sex within marriage and if I didn’t marry, then I’d just never have sex.

Friends said, “We need to get you laid!” [Readers, forgive my coarseness.] I said that would only disgust me all the more towards the ideas of sex and intimacy.

And then even this virtue was ruined: I got arrogant and holier than thou about my “purity.” Celibacy just wasn’t difficult for me. Sex was just about the only sin I hadn’t committed, or so I thought.

Once in a very great while I’d have a minor crush on some girl, but generally that wouldn’t go anywhere because of my impossibly high standards.

I wondered if I might ever have a gay encounter, be it an anonymous encounter or a long-term relationship. I’d have pleasant dreams of the ideal boyfriend, which, now that I think of it, were probably just natural continuations of the dreams and fantasies of my lonely childhood, when I wanted an older brother or an ideal playmate.

But for whatever reason, nothing ever happened. I just became more and more withdrawn, spending more and more time online with the porn. I even discouraged my friends from visiting my house, lest they find something here that I wouldn’t want them to see.

I thought how ridiculous I’d feel if I came out to them, or how their feelings toward me might change.

[continued]
 
[continued]

Gee, I really didn’t know I’d go on like this. I was gonna mention the adult blocker and the aversion therapy and leave it at that.

I suffer from depression and have often in my life considered suicide, though I never came even remotely close to going through with it. This may sound corny, but my religious faith kept me hanging on by just a thread, as did the idea that I was put on this earth and given certain talents so I might achieve something important. And this sounds really corny, but at times I’d hear the voices of my children as yet unborn, calling out to me not to go through with it.

Nowadays I occasionally have dreams about a young woman I’m fond of, but I still have dreams about men. I still want to be a father, but masturbation to gay porn is an ingrained daily habit. I don’t really feel guilty about the masturbation, but I do about the porn.

Sometimes I’ll jump from religious sites to gay porn ones and back again within the space of a few minutes.It’s almost schizophrenic. As I said elsewhere, my soul has truly become a battleground, and as I’m being pulled closer to God, Satan has pulled off his kid gloves and has started playing dirty.

I’m hoping, though, that maybe my recent re-awakening to my Christian life, if re-awakening is what you’d call it, will lead me out of this filthy swamp. I wonder sometimes if homosexual thoughts are my cross, the thorn in my side, and then I take note that God has thus far kept me from succumbing to sex. Maybe there’s a reason for this.

I’m currently trying to decide between converting to Catholicism or Orthodoxy. The pull is very strong.

The one verse I keep coming back to is Galatians 5:16–“This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lust of the flesh.”

Let’s pray for one another, that “this too shall pass!”

May God strengthen us both.
 
Seeker63:
Thanks for the wonderful testimony!

This is for everyone man who is struggling with the same situations that I and many others have gone through.
My story is just like yours except for a few exceptions (read other posts by me…I do want personal material to close down this thread, which discussion on a vital topic like this is needed).

I would also suggest.
www.dads.org

How about finding a Men’s Support/Accountibiltiy group at your parish. I have attended on for just over 2 years and the guys I fully trust and have become great friends and supporters of my overcoming the ‘past life’ I lead.
This is the organization that my group is associated with.
Maybe looking at this site may be of help to you and you can find contacts in your area too.
cmfneo.org/

Go with God!
Edwin
 
I think someone sent me a private message a few hours ago, but when I tried to open it I wound up deleting it instead. Of course it may be from another thread or board.
 
Do any of you who are in spiritual crisis sometimes feel like there are physical strains going on within you as well? Not that I feel like I’ve run a marathon, but sometimes, if I’ve spent hours reading or writing spiritually intense posts, pouring out my heart, breaking my heart, when I finally stand up from the computer I find myself saying, “Whew!” This often happens to me too after long, intense prayer.
 
I would suggest you completely surrender these feelings, urges, and occasions of sin to Jesus. Try to open your heart and mind completely to Him and tell Him you are surrendering this moment of temptation and ask the Holy Spirit to fill the hole left behind. Do this as often as you need to. Also, you may want to consider seeing your doctor or a psychologist as many times these compulsions are OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) related. Hope that helps.
 
I blame TV alot for all the sexual images etc. EVEN COMMERCIALS!!! ON regular tv channels show women in undergarments, etc. Never was the case in the 1970’s when I grew up and early 80’s. How sad.

Let’s not forget the 3 enemies of the souls: World, devil, flesh.
 
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