Please, Help Me!

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Sirach, Chapter 9, the first few verses, gives advice concerning interactions with women.
Verse 8: Avert your eyes from a comely woman; gaze not upon the beauty of another’s wife — Through woman’s beauty many perish, for lust for it burns like fire.

The advice to actually avoid looking at a lovely woman is certainly contrary to our instincts and usual practices. Putting this into practice will be difficult without a lot of help (grace). Something to work on maybe.

Becoming spiritual is something that doesn’t happen all at once. It is slow and halting, three steps forward and two back. At least it seems to me that it is that way for most people. A lifelong struggle for everyone, with maybe a rare exception. Rather than putting up a frantic struggle all at once, maybe consider taking a longterm view, recognize that there are going to be detours and reverses, and make a definite decision that you will not get discouraged and give up entirely.

I hope these humble thoughts might possibly be of assistance.

Keath Wade
 
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thechrismyster:
there is a great psychology lesson here:
the tobacco industry loves the anti-smoking billboards. when people are trying to quit and stop thinking about cigarettes… lo and behold, they see a sign every 5 miles saying don’t SMOKE (at least that’s how a smoker sees it.)
i think the church’s focus on sexuality and masturbation makes people think about it ALL THE TIME. even this thread, tons of info on how not to MASTURBATE. do you see why this is so hard for people, they see the message all over church doctrine. in school you’re taught about SEX education. don’t MASTURBATE. don’t do it. it seems to be the focal point of grace, when there are a lot of other issues in a person’s life that are more important. if his extreme guilt over this sin is causing trouble in his marriage, than the guilt is the real problem. i hate to see life destroyed by guilt, you either deal with the sin or deal with the guilt, but don’t mess up a family because someone got it in your head that masturbation makes you a bad person. its just another sin. let it get in line with the others. the way people talk about it you’d think it is equivelant to murder.
there is so much more to your life than your sexuality, all this attention to it just makes it harder because you’re bombarded with messages on the sinfullness, the mortal sin… Good Lord! i really love being a Catholic but man do i think that the people with the biggest hang-ups about sexuality are the ones who protest the loudest and make such a huge issue out of this. i really feel sorry for that original poster, he’s trying to do the ‘right’ thing and it’s tearing up his family. judge a tree by the fruit it bears. and guilt blooms turmoil and stife.
my 2 cents

and i know people are going to give me **** about this post, save your breath. it’s the truth.
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I do agree with a lot of what you are saying here. I know a woman who actuallyb thinks sex is always bad. Also, it seems as if she thinks dating is bad, going out, making out, my God IS ALL A SIN??? I agree with the Church masturbation is a sin. BUT, what about the state of the person’s mind, anxiety, fears, frustrations, etc, What is one is neither married, nor fornicating, nor seeing porn(always BAD!!), but just has a deep longing for a companion(wife/husband) and cannot find one, and the person is young, twenties and thirties, and just has those needs??? Needs for intimacy?
 
I know what you are going through. When I fall into sinful habits and begin to feel depressed, I remember that the apostles were not perfect, but Jesus chose them anyways. After I reflect on that, I confess my sins and love to him through the sacrament of reconciliation, just like what St. Peter did. I have endured more pain from the confessional then anywhere else, but I do not let that discourage me from returning. I have encountered three unsympathetic, cold, and judgmental priests in one church. But like the apostles, I brush the dust off me and I move on. It took me three times, but the fourth time I found the priest that understood my suffering and desire to be better. Please do not get discouraged from confessing the same sins over and over again; the devil wants to do everything he can to keep you from returning to the confessional. Pray often, St. Joseph may be able to help, and receive the sacraments of Holy Communion; Reconciliation; and even Unction; sin cannot be mastered without God’s Grace. I will remember you in your prayers. God bless.
 
Hi everyone!

I wish I could say things were going well, they are not. I’m in such a rut. My problem is my mind goes blank when I am tempted, I can’t figure out anyway to change that. If I am lucky enough to “know” what I am doing I do “it” anyway. The advice I got WAS good I just am not following it, I’ve been doing this sooooooo long I can’t seem to get a grip on it, I know I have to stop, everyone tells me what to do, but HOW do I do it, HOW do I stop, when I’m not sure I even want to.
I know I have to stop, I know it! I’m just not sure I can. Some of you told me to tell my wife, I don’t think I ever could, I can’t see her understanding it, I need help but other than this I don’t know who to go to or where to go with out her finding out, this is a problem a 15 year old should have not a 32 year old. This is so frustrating, everytime I’m tempted to masturbate I fight it but it comes on stronger and stronger until I can’t take it anymore, as I said I know I have to stop, I know what to do BUT HOW DO I GET MYSELF TO STOP IT??? HOW??? It’s easy to say just stop, but how??? How do I stop this??? It’s gone on for 18+ years and I’ve just recently tried to stop last 3-4 years or so, I try to cut back each year but that’s even hard to do. Anyone who has advice thank you and God bless you. Thank you all !!!
 
Wow! Might I suggest Eucharistic Adoration or just praying in front of the Blessed Sacrament, Mary too, pray for Mary’s assisstance in your struggles, Good luck, I’ll pray for you, Keep fighting don’t quit!
 
You need to see that your actions are not making you happy. Your true happiness requires living a life that pleases God. Never give up. You need to outgrow this. God is patient and merciful. At the same time, you don’t want to purposefully take advantage of His patience.

Find a hobby or something that interests you and enjoy that.

You can be fine, it’s up to you. Go on your knees and open your heart ask God to help you. God does not turn away from a sincere heart and Jesus said He would never turn away anyone that comes to Him. God is amazingly good to us.

Greg
 
I did not read your responses; I don’t think I want to read it through. I am not a man, but I would question your statistics that nearly all males do it, even married ones. This is a disorder. Why would a healthy 32 year old married man be tempted like a 15 year old with raging hormones? Have you considered you may have a medical problem and you are over sexed? Perhaps you need to consult a doctor to reduce your constant need for sexual gratification and to help you normalize your sex drive.
 
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dis_Grace:
Hi everyone!

I wish I could say things were going well, they are not. I’m in such a rut. My problem is my mind goes blank when I am tempted, I can’t figure out anyway to change that. If I am lucky enough to “know” what I am doing I do “it” anyway. The advice I got WAS good I just am not following it, I’ve been doing this sooooooo long I can’t seem to get a grip on it, I know I have to stop, everyone tells me what to do, but HOW do I do it, HOW do I stop, when I’m not sure I even want to.
I know I have to stop, I know it! I’m just not sure I can. Some of you told me to tell my wife, I don’t think I ever could, I can’t see her understanding it, I need help but other than this I don’t know who to go to or where to go with out her finding out, this is a problem a 15 year old should have not a 32 year old. This is so frustrating, everytime I’m tempted to masturbate I fight it but it comes on stronger and stronger until I can’t take it anymore, as I said I know I have to stop, I know what to do BUT HOW DO I GET MYSELF TO STOP IT??? HOW??? It’s easy to say just stop, but how??? How do I stop this??? It’s gone on for 18+ years and I’ve just recently tried to stop last 3-4 years or so, I try to cut back each year but that’s even hard to do. Anyone who has advice thank you and God bless you. Thank you all !!!
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I think one of the first things you need to do is what has been suggested here over and over again. TELL YOUR WIFE! You really need to tell her. You will probably find that a lot of the stress and angst over this problem is immediately relieved once you share it with your wife because you are holding a really big secret from her. You do not need to tell her about it when you are in a state of desire. Tell her when you are feeling calm and clear-headed.

If you are unwilling to follow the various advices given to you even when you are feeling calm, then I’m not sure what anyone else here can say to you about it except maybe – go see a doctor.

You might want to looking into attending some 12-step meetings for sexual addiction as well, but I can tell you that one of the first things they’ll want you to do is come clean to your wife.

As long as you are keeping this secret from your spouse, all the prayers in the world are unlikely to help, but I will pray that you find the strength to tell her.

God bless.
 
“We know that the law is spiritual; but I am carnal, sold under sin. I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree that the law is good. So then it is no longer I that do it, but sin which dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells within me, that is, in my flesh. I can will what is right, but I cannot do it. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I that do it, but sin which dwells within me. So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inmost self, but I see in my members another law at war with the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin which dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I of myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.” (Romans 7:14-25) Please do not feel discouraged to confess this sin regularly.
 
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tru_dvotion:
I did not read your responses; I don’t think I want to read it through. I am not a man, but I would question your statistics that nearly all males do it, even married ones. This is a disorder. Why would a healthy 32 year old married man be tempted like a 15 year old with raging hormones? Have you considered you may have a medical problem and you are over sexed? Perhaps you need to consult a doctor to reduce your constant need for sexual gratification and to help you normalize your sex drive.
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I don’t believe there is any such disorder. Beyond that, I’d agree with the estimate that nearly all men (secularily speaking, those wishing to please God are not part of this secular estimate) do it. Married or otherwise. It is simply a fact of life. I believe this is why converts and reverts have such trouble adapting to a more spiritual life. There is a strong habit to overcome.

I’d venture a guess many women are just not aware, or refuse to believe this. I’d also venture a guess as to this being such an accepted activity in the secular world, is why it is so difficult for many to understand this teaching. I am a revert to the Catholic Faith. Coming from a life of purely secular interests and purely secular relationships, I can honestly say I have yet to meet a man who claims not to self-gratify. If religion is removed from the equation, so is resisting.
 
I think I would check out the doctors, either a psychologist, possibly an endocrinologist. Continue with prayer and going to mass. Finally I think I would check with a priest about an exorcism. Sounds like Satan has a grip on you and doesn’t want to let go.
 
Mijoy2 said:
I don’t believe there is any such disorder.
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How wrong you are! Furthermore, it is NOT restricted to males. Women suffer from it as well. The condition in men is called satyriasis. Like all disorders, there are varying degrees and there may be other variations present. Not every human misery is a direct link to Satan. This man could very well have a hormonal imbalance or a mental dysfunction or both. I would urge him to seek out medical help and discuss his problems with his wife. He must be in living hell. I hazard to think his problems have nothing to do with the culture or being a male.
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Dis,
As you know, Satan is a powerful enemy and must not be taken lightly. He delights, however, when you despair. Remember, there is a big difference between guilt and shame. Guilt is healthy, shame is not. Many great saints struggled w/ their own sins for decades but God eventually helped them conquer.
In my ramblings, I’m trying to convey that you must keep doing what you’re doing, i.e., Mass, Reconciliation, Rosary, etc. Let God take care of the rest.

-Pray, trust, don’t worry. - Padre Pio
 
Dearest friend

Everyone has given you wonderful advice, so I have little to add but my support and prayers and this:

This dear friend is a cycle of habit, we all have ‘the big habitual sin’ whichever sin that might be, and the ONLY way , is to tell Jesus ALL about it and hand it over to Him in trust and confidence that He will help you. We do not achieve one single thing without His help, when we realise this, we realise then that all things are possible and achieveable if we place them before Him in love and trust. No part of our lives is to be held secret from Him , (as though we could) but we need to be like a child and say, ‘help me I can’t do this alone’ just as a child would to a parent.

Work out in your mind when this sin is brought to your mind, what causes you to think about committing it and try then to remove anything from your life that causes to be a source of temptation.

Also remember a mortal sin cannot be committed unless you wilfully want to seperate yourself from God, which you do not want to do, it is very clear you love your Father in heaven. So relax and hand it to God and make a firm resolve to do everything within your mind, heart and spirit to avoid this sin, and you may fall into this sin, as you are human, but if you achieve some time where you are able to refrain from this sin, you will find that as time goes by, you will fall less and less into this sin , until you are free from it, or the occassion of it is minimal.

Remember dear friend this sin does not own you, you own it, you are the master of it and you with Jesus can destroy it. Make use of the Sacrament of Reconciliation, this is where we admit our failings and sins and God once again lifts us by the hand and says ’ You are forgiven, come on my child, rise to your feet and walk tall with me again, Satan will not have you, you are my child whom I love so very much, you are mine’.

God Bless you and much love and peace to you always

Teresa
 
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dis_Grace:
The advice I got WAS good I just am not following it, I’ve been doing this sooooooo long I can’t seem to get a grip on it, I know I have to stop, everyone tells me what to do, but HOW do I do it, HOW do I stop, when I’m not sure I even want to.
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Hi dis_Grace!

Some suggested that you are adiccted. The adiccted don’t want to stop to be adiccted. ** YOU HAVE TO MAKE A CHOICE!**

You have to tell yourself **every day ** that you have **an addictionproblem ** that you have to work very hard on, every day from you open your eyes until you close them the same day.
  1. You have to decide that YOU as responsible grown up, will figth your addiction!
2)You have to study your addicted behavoir for one or two weeks to find your special pattern. Every addict has his/hers own addictive-bahaviour pattern.
  1. You have to make a plan! In the plan you write how you want to do this, what tools you are to use and when you are to use them.
  2. You neED a supporter. That can be your parish-priest or it can be a catholic psychologist. IT MAY EVEN BE BOTH!
  3. YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THAT WHEN YOU ARE tO FIGHT AN ADDICTION, THERE WILL BE SOME WITHDRAWALSYMPTOMS (PSYCHOLOGICAL ONE). Ex: Headace, high bodytention (take a jogging-trip, bycykling or hard fysical exersises). You also need to have a relaxsion-tape.
  4. You must have made a plan for what to do when/if you relapse.
Remember, God gave you a free will (even if you don’t feel that at the moment). The only one that can fight your addiction are you. NO ONE WILL DO IT FOR YOU! Others can support you in your struggle to ovecome your addiction, but they can’t do the job for you!

To be used to think in addiction use this link (please don’t laugh of the adress. You have to understand how adictions works, and they work the same way for nicotin, LSD, or some other “crazy” behaviour):

nicotinell.com/intl/blocksoverview.php

Here is a bookreferance:
amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0879735848/catholicthera-20/102-0098477-7968175

Here is another book you will find helpful. (Read the content! You find it low on the website):
amazon.com/gp/reader/0310247454/ref=sib_rdr_toc/102-0098477-7968175?%5Fencoding=UTF8&p=S009#reader-link

Here you might find a catholic therapist to stay on your side in your difficult fighting against your enemy (the addiction):

catholictherapists.com/find.asp

I hope you don’t feel offended by my direct way of saying things. I have done that because your cry for help was so strong. YOU CAN MAKE IT, BUT IT WILL BE DIFFICULT!

**ALL MY GOOD WISHES FOR YOU!

Must God bless you and help you**!

(Please excuse any spellingmistakes. English is not my first language).

G.G.
 
I will add a link to non-catholic therapists, in case you will not find a catholic therapist in your aera:

cms.psychologytoday.com/pto/choosing_a_therapist.html

Remember that to use external help (psycologist, psychiatrist) is a way of honouring God. They have knowlegde that may be of help to you. We are all (inclusive the professionl helpers) Gods creatures that HE loves. Gods people work together. And that’s what you have to do, to cooperate, to get rid of your sin and addiction!

My best wishes and God Bless!

G.G.
 
now you know you are not alone, everyone of us has some habitual sin we struggle with. the Church provides the help and healing that Jesus gives us through the sacraments. Regular confession, weekly if necessary, and communion, daily if possible, and constant prayer including consecration of yourself to His Sacred heart, are the remedies. All the other fine suggestions here including counselling will be useless without the sacraments.
 
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puzzleannie:
now you know you are not alone, everyone of us has some habitual sin we struggle with. the Church provides the help and healing that Jesus gives us through the sacraments. Regular confession, weekly if necessary, and communion, daily if possible, and constant prayer including consecration of yourself to His Sacred heart, are the remedies. All the other fine suggestions here including counselling will be useless without the sacraments.
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I agree! Sacraments are important together with praying! But it is also a good catholic custom to take care of health. God wants us to do that. (CCC288-291) .

It is not healthy to be in a constant condition of worrying because of behavior one dislike onself to do. When he (or somone else of us human beeings, get addicted in some way, we are wise to use treatment from a doctor or a specialist).

If we get cancer, we of coursrse use the sacraments, but we don’t stop there, we comtinue to do what ever our doctor recommend (ex. take medication, eat fruit and vegetables, exersice etc).

God Bless!

G.G.
 
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