Please offer me some kind of advice

[MomaMary8]

Are your parents ok with you dating someone who is out of high school?

I think you should answer this question for all of our sakes.

We older adults must be very aware of the ages that visit this board and give advice accordingly. I would be livid if I knew adults were encouraging my soon to be 16 yo son to ask a 19 yo out on a date!!

 

[whatevergirl]

Well Beesweet, I haven’t gotten that far in thinking this out I’m not sure actually. That is why I want to maybe spend sometime with her and hang out and see how things go from there. Then I will take it to the next step, ask her out. You see, this isn’t going to be easy, it is possible to change her mind from going to Texas, but I have to do all of this in a short period of time, maybe 6-9 months at the least. So please pray for me, if it is God’s will it’ll all fall into place. I just hope it is God’s will. Oh and no, I don’t talk to her on a regular basis. I’m still working on that. Maybe get her email or something, or I can write her a letter. Thanks for the support Beesweet:thumbsup:

Oh and whatevergirl, I don’t plan on getting into a serious relationship in the next few days My plan is to maybe kinda build a good solid relationship with her, thne ask her on a date. I mean, come on, you don’t have to be in a serious relationship to go on a date. If everything works out well, then she will realize she’ll be leaving behind a good thing. I plan to kinda drag this out, letting her know how I feel, but not taking things too seriously? Do I make sense, cause I don’t even know if I do

Ok…tread lightly. And as I tell my 15 yr old son…don’t roll your eyes at me. Sorry, I had to say it. Good luck–you know my thoughts. Pray for God’s will to be carried out in all things, and you’ll be fine.

 

[kevinsgirl]

There’s a big difference between 19 and 16. I agree with the pp who said they’d have a problem if the genders for the ages were reversed. I’m not saying age is an impediment to a really good marriage…my DH is 7 years older than me! But we didn’t start a relationship until I was 21 and he was 28…and we were both pretty much done with college and in the same setting socially. I can’t say that our having a relationship with me being 16 and him being 23 would have been a good thing.

 

[MomaMary8]

Geez, I can see why your screen name is MomaMary. My mind is set on love not wild passion., call me a Romantic I guess. I understand where your coming from, but there seems to be more encouragement than discouragement.

Age and wisdom will let you know that just because the majority is saying yes, does not make it right. We as Catholics should be fully aware of this moral relativism.

I appreciate your advice, thanks. But I will follow my heart, 3 years age difference is not much of an obstacle if it is God’s will.

Waiting 2 years as I suggested will not deter God’s will, either.

So, If there is anyone else willing to offer any sort of advice I greatly appreciate it.

 

[ironman62292]

Alright MomaMary. I can tell you if I explain everything to them they would be alright. Besides, they somewhat know her, they know she is a good person. MomaMary I think you are getting a little intrusive. Please don’t worry about me, I understand your feelings. God Bless:thumbsup:

 

[sanctamaria17]

She has a point though. As a 19-year-old, I would not date a 16-year-old, regardless of how mature he may be, simply because it’s against the law and can be cause for scandal.

Also, I know that if a 19-year-old boy asked out my 16-year-old sister, my dad, my uncles, and every other man in our lives would be hunting him down (well, not really). They’d at the very least give him the “look of death”.

Seriously, these ladies aren’t trying to be intrusive. They’re speaking for your well-being and giving you advice (which you asked for). They are mothers, they have a bit more experience in the marriage department, and they have their own 16-year-old sons. Same with the men on this board. They were 16 once too

 

[richardsgirl]

Hi Ironman,

To me, it just sounds like you have a crush, which is lovely . But honestly, I would not ask her out. There is a world of a difference between a 19 year old girl and a 16 year old boy and (while I’m sure you’re great) I think it’s highly unlikely she would be interested… and if she were, getting into a relationship might not be a good idea anyway. I’m sorry to be discouraging but I really think the age difference would be a problem. Just be her friend

Sarah

 

[ironman62292]

Thanks Sarah. Thanks for the advice, no thanks for the discouragement. It is still so hard for me. Do I really have a vocation to the priesthood? And is this girl a distraction? Or Is God calling me to her. I want to give this a try. I can’t let it go. She means a lot to me.

 

[grandfather]

I think you should answer this question for all of our sakes.

We older adults must be very aware of the ages that visit this board and give advice accordingly. I would be livid if I knew adults were encouraging my soon to be 16 yo son to ask a 19 yo out on a date!!

Ironman, one way or another is going to find out he is not made of iron. He has asked for and been given excellent advice, that he does not want to hear. He wants encouragement to do what he wants to do, not advice. The odds of a well adjusted 19 year old female falling for a 16 year old boy’s charms are next to zilch. He does not want to hear this. Three years difference is not an obstacle for people in their twenties or thirties. It is a major obstacle for a boy of 16. His ears are plugged. It is a waste of breath to tell him. Love (romantic kind) is blind, but does not have to be impetuous, unless it is 16.

Ironman not only thinks this young woman will reciprocate the romantic feelings of a boy, once she knows he likes her, which is about as likely to happen as hitting the lottery, but thinks he will talk this woman into changing her plans, because they can be boyfriend and girlfriend for the next half dozen years or more.

The people advising him are trying to help him avoid getting bruised, but he is cruisin for a bruisin and will not be deterred.

Life teaches lessons to us all. Sometimes they hurt.

Best wishes Ironman. God bless you. Maybe next time you will listen to the folks who have good advice for you, especailly after you asked for it. Why would you ask advice from people who have been through something and experienced it and know about it and then not take the advice?

 

[BeeSweet]

Thanks for the support Beesweet:thumbsup:

Hold your horses there pard’ner… I was just asking you a few questions to understand what kind of a relationship you already have with this girl. I support you thinking this through, so don’t mistake my questions as support of you doing anything other than think.

Now for the part you won’t like to hear.

You have a crush on someone you barely know. I think you’re investing way too much of yourself into this, and are extremely likely to be setting yourself up for a heartbreak. Also, it seems quite self-centered to believe that you could or even should “change her mind from going to Texas.” :tsktsk: Not nice. If it’s something she wants to do, and you genuinely like her and hope for her happiness, then you should be supportive of her, not complicate her decisions with what you want. Not nice. You barely know anything about her, and already you’re daydreaming of controlling what she does to make it in line with your own wants. Think about it. You’ll tell me I’m blowing it up out of proportion, I’m sure of that, so save yourself the typing.

And even still I’d like to maybe get to know her a little bit more until I ask her out so it doesn’t seem like I’m speeding into things, I’ve got a bad habit of doing that.

You admittedly have a bad habit of speeding into things. That’s exactly what you’re doing. Take it easy. Here’s why:

One reason you should really take it easy is that physically you are still developing, your brain included. Your brain is not an adult brain. You have a better ability to learn than I do, but my extra 20 years has given me a better ability to look at the big picture. You really can’t make life long decisions without seeing the big picture. Basically, your brain is not as well connected as someone ten years older than you. You’re speeding into the future because that’s what your brain is designed to do right now, speed into experience. But you don’t want to speed into life long decisions, especially decisions which will impact other people such as marriage or the priesthood. That’s not to say you can’t think about these things, but you can’t put pressure on yourself at this point to make a decision like either marriage or the priesthood with any certainty.

The specific part of your brain which has not completed development is the frontal lobe. Research this fact, and then give yourself a breather. Here’s a short article that details what’s going on with your brain right now:

The teenage brain is a late-childhood brain. It’s not yet a fully mature adult brain. They’re at the end of a childhood pattern of brain physiology and have emerging adult patterns. So they’re at the crossroads of these two points in development. And as you know, children can learn very quickly, they go through what we cal a “critical period” (synaptic plasticity): Early in childhood, children can learn two or three languages flawlessly, whereas adults struggle to learn a second language with even getting a mild accent under control. So teenagers are still at that peak learning; they’re coming down to adult levels but they are still more able to pick things up, memorize and imprint on things than perhaps later in life. Now, the thing is though they also haven’t acquired a really important feature of the adult brain, which is how the different brain areas really connect to each other. As we get older, we develop better, stronger connections between our different regions of the brain. And it actually develops from the back of your brain to the front. And, big surprise, the last place to develop and connect is the frontal lobe. This process is called myelination, which is actually a wrapping of the connections to make them conduct signal faster. It’s probably how adults compensate for not having the brilliant learning that children have. So the last place to connect is the frontal lobe. Now we know that the frontal lobe has some very special properties. It’s what controls insight, judgment, blocks you from too much risk taking behavior - and these are all issues with the teenage brain and teenagers are notorious for risk taking, poor judgment, not really thinking through things properly, yet they can be very sharp at the same time and can be memorizing all these things for the SATs and be whizzing through material. Yet they’re not showing judgment. So that’s the paradox: they are very, very sharp on the one hand with respect to their ability to learn and their physiology that underlies learning but the connectivity is lagging.

Furthermore…

Girls’ brains throughout development seem to be reaching maturity 1 - 2+ years before the boys’ brains. And we know this process of myelination, of connectivity - the girls appear to myelinate, to cause the closure of this adult process, two or three years earlier than boys. And when you look at brain growth, what happens across development is that your brain grows and then it actually begins to prune itself a little bit as you become adult-like. So the number of brain cells actually comes down a little bit to become adult-like, and you want that, it’s a part of pruning that’s important. So when we look at when that happens, it happens a little bit earlier in girls than boys. Boys are completing the process into their late teens and early twenties, whereas girls are completing this process of connectivity and the pruning part of the brain more towards the end of the teenage years, middle to end of the teenage years.

[source](http://www.childrenshospital.org/patientsfamilies/Site1393/ma(name removed by moderator)ageS1393P316sublevel357.html)

I don’t see any harm with you getting to know her better, but your motives should be much much less serious than seeking love. There really is too great of an age difference between you two right now, and that’s not based on years, it’s based on physiological development.

I’d like to tell you “carpe diem!” or “chase your dreams!” cuz that’s what you want to hear, but that’s not what would be best in this situation. Slow down.

 

[ironman62292]

Your right. Your all right. Forgive me, forgive me for wasting your time. Beesweet, grandfather. Your right. My effort is useless. I’ve failed before I even started. I never even should have begun. Now can I ask you for another piece of advice?.. what cures a broken heart?

 

[BeeSweet]

what cures a broken heart?

Exercise. Sounds too simple? It’s true. Do you have a bicycle? A good pair of running shoes? Some long distance endurance exercise is some of the best medicine there is for a broken heart. Don’t forget to stretch.

I’m NOT teasing. Just ask my husband.

Sitting around and brooding about it will make things worse. Get out and go for a long bike ride, or run some laps.

 

[BamaRider]

Well here’s the rub amigo, and I don’t mean to hurt ya feelings, but here’s the reality.

I don’t see a pretty, 19 year old girl, wanting to date a 16 year old boy! Hehehehe! You’re till in high school! At least none I ever knew. When I was 16 they treated me like I was a leper.

Can you imagine what her friends are gonna say if she goes out with him?? I know that sounds harsh, but it is what it is.

But I’ll say this, if you can you can pull it off, you’ll be a legend with all the boys back in your high school.

 

[ironman62292]

Bamarider, why bother trying? They’ve said it can’t be done. So why bother? It’s done.

 

[whatevergirl]

Well here’s the rub amigo, and I don’t mean to hurt ya feelings, but here’s the reality.

I don’t see a pretty, 19 year old girl, wanting to date a 16 year old boy! Hehehehe! You’re till in high school! At least none I ever knew. When I was 16 they treated me like I was a leper.

Can you imagine what her friends are gonna say if she goes out with him?? I know that sounds harsh, but it is what it is.

But I’ll say this, if you can you can pull it off, you’ll be a legend with all the boys back in your high school.

I agree. (not with your last statement though–it is the reason why female teachers are not being reprimanded enough when seducing teenage boys, I suspect…the idea that a guy is high fived for pursuing an older woman, but a man is seen as a predator)

Sorry–don’t mean to go off topic.

 

[BamaRider]

I agree. (not with your last statement though–it is the reason why female teachers are not being reprimanded enough when seducing teenage boys, I suspect…the idea that a guy is high fived for pursuing an older woman, but a man is seen as a predator)

Man if I had dated a pretty 19 year old girl, when I was 16, y’all wouldn’t have been able to tell ME nuttin. Just think, she’d be picking *me *up in HER car, riding me around, hanging out with all her fine friends some of which might even be 20! Yippeeeeeee!!

I’da had her and her friends dropping me off me at football practice and stuff, my buddies woulda wanted my autograph.

And your correct Whatevergirl, if a 16 year old boy had his 19 year old girlfriend dropping him off at school each morning (I’d make sure it was the front door to) he’d get ^5 all the way down the hall to homeroom. Awesome.

So Ironman, if you can pull it off, try it, but I just don’t think you’re gonna have much luck. It is nothing personal bro, but if a popular, pretty 19 year old young lady dated a 16 year old boy, she’d be social stigma, and at that age, her social status is kinda of important to her. What is she gonna tell the 21 year old young man that calls her? “Can’t go out with ya Friday night I’m going to the prom??”

You’re all infatuated with this girl, but stop to think about things.

You can’t look at just 3 years. For the 26 and 29 year old, not a difference, but for the 19 and 16, a big one.

I’d suggest staying with girls your age for now, and take comfort in the fact oneday *you’ll be *20 years old oneday.

 

[grandfather]

Your right. Your all right. Forgive me, forgive me for wasting your time. Beesweet, grandfather. Your right. My effort is useless. I’ve failed before I even started. I never even should have begun. Now can I ask you for another piece of advice?.. what cures a broken heart?

You have not failed at anything. You are a normal healthy teenager. You don’t have a borken heart. It is just a little disappointment and it will go away like a bruise on your arm, all by itself rather quickly.

The only failure is falling into sin.

It is normal to experience all the emotions you are experiencing. The adults who are telling you stuff are not trying to ruin your fun or discourage you. Look around and see that people get hurt badly. The adults who answered your mail are trying to be protective to keep you from pain. The only reason they can know anything about what you are experiencing is they have all been through what you are going through.

Now is the time for you to learn many things, develop interests, study the things that will enhance the rest of your life and make it fuller later. Try to stay away from romance for a little while longer. Have fun. Go swimming, play ball or the piano, develop friendships, pray.

 

[kage_ar]

You have not failed at anything. You are a normal healthy teenager. You don’t have a borken heart. It is just a little disappointment and it will go away like a bruise on your arm, all by itself rather quickly.

The only failure is falling into sin.

It is normal to experience all the emotions you are experiencing. The adults who are telling you stuff are not trying to ruin your fun or discourage you. Look around and see that people get hurt badly. The adults who answered your mail are trying to be protective to keep you from pain. The only reason they can know anything about what you are experiencing is they have all been through what you are going through.

Now is the time for you to learn many things, develop interests, study the things that will enhance the rest of your life and make it fuller later. Try to stay away from romance for a little while longer. Have fun. Go swimming, play ball or the piano, develop friendships, pray.

Amen!!

 

[whatevergirl]

Bamarider, why bother trying? They’ve said it can’t be done. So why bother? It’s done.

ironman…not that it can’t be done…it shouldn’t. You already have a ‘broken heart’ and you haven’t even dated her. That is why you shouldn’t be asking out a girl who isn’t your own age. Right now. At the risk of sounding like a mom (again)–your focus should be on getting good grades…getting into a good college…sports…activities…dating girls your own age, but not getting overly serious. Once you’re an adult, out of high school, the landscape changes. But, as a 16 yr old, you should be focusing on high school things. Ok, I said it…I hope you know I mean well when saying this.

My husband is nearly 11 yrs older than me, but we met when I was in my early 20’s…not when I was 16. My family would have locked me in my room until 18, if I ever asked to date someone 10+ yrs older than me. lol

It just saddens me when I see kids getting way too serious with even kids their own age, abandoning friendships and activities, and pouring everything into a relationship while in high school. It works for some, but for many, it doesn’t. You will have kids someday…trust me, you’ll be saying these sames things to him/her.

 

[whatevergirl]

You have not failed at anything. You are a normal healthy teenager. You don’t have a borken heart. It is just a little disappointment and it will go away like a bruise on your arm, all by itself rather quickly.

The only failure is falling into sin.

It is normal to experience all the emotions you are experiencing. The adults who are telling you stuff are not trying to ruin your fun or discourage you. Look around and see that people get hurt badly. The adults who answered your mail are trying to be protective to keep you from pain. The only reason they can know anything about what you are experiencing is they have all been through what you are going through.

Now is the time for you to learn many things, develop interests, study the things that will enhance the rest of your life and make it fuller later. Try to stay away from romance for a little while longer. Have fun. Go swimming, play ball or the piano, develop friendships, pray.

very true grandfather!