Please please help- sleep training

[pianistclare]

I would try playing lullaby or soft music to drown out noise and help settle down. I would talk to the pediatrician about night time weaning techniques specific to your baby.

I would give other things to self soothe, such as a baby safe stuffed animal to aid with self soothing. Pacifiers are not good because they lose them in the crib and then cry. I know it sounds mean, but if your baby is full, and just fussing, don’t pick them up even for a diaper change, do it it in the crib… You can talk and say it’s time to sleep, mommy is here and so on when the baby cries…this takes resolve…and no breaking from this once started. That gives rhe baby security…but If you pick up the baby, you are back to square 1

This is what worked for me with my kids years ago, and they all had different temperments.

Best wishes

This is good advice.
She will not perish because you don’t pick her up. Indeed, if you carry her a lot of the time, she can’t begin to fathom how to manage for even a few minutes without you.
I would eliminate one of her naps if she takes 2 of them. It is not mean to allow a child to cry, and learn to self soothe. I repeat, you are not a bad mother if she cries.
Play HARD with her during the day. Both of my daughters were very anxious to go down at 7 PM because we played all.day.long. We went places. We went on walks, we visited other moms and babies. Busy busy! Solid foods yes. Put her in another room, have your husband put her down, in another room, and be brave. Tell her you will see her in the morning She doesn’t know what you mean, but she will eventually learn that when it’s dark, she sleeps, and when it’s light, Mama is there with kisses.
Better than having a breakdown, and having everyone in the house upset.

 

[heidi_storage]

I tried to feed her some purée at lunch and she had no interest at all I even made sure it had been a while since she had nursed.

Does your pediatrician have any useful suggestions? Sometimes they can be a good resource, especially since they know your baby. Hang in there!

 

[pensmama87]

This is good advice.
She will not perish because you don’t pick her up. Indeed, if you carry her a lot of the time, she can’t begin to fathom how to manage for even a few minutes without you.
I would eliminate one of her naps if she takes 2 of them. It is not mean to allow a child to cry, and learn to self soothe. I repeat, you are not a bad mother if she cries.
Play HARD with her during the day. Both of my daughters were very anxious to go down at 7 PM because we played all.day.long. We went places. We went on walks, we visited other moms and babies. Busy busy! Solid foods yes. Put her in another room, have your husband put her down, in another room, and be brave. Tell her you will see her in the morning She doesn’t know what you mean, but she will eventually learn that when it’s dark, she sleeps, and when it’s light, Mama is there with kisses.
Better than having a breakdown, and having everyone in the house upset.

Baby is only eight months. Two naps is normal for this age (and even three can be - this is around when my babies have dropped from three to two).

I will say that with my second and third, they had to get used to morning naps “on the go,” because my oldest was out and about and had things to do. But even so they regularly slept in the morning until at least a year. The morning nap has been dropped anywhere from 14-18 months.

I think most of your advice will really apply best around the year mark, but eight months is still in that strange space between “teeny baby” and “toddler.”

 

[pensmama87]

I tried to feed her some purée at lunch and she had no interest at all I even made sure it had been a while since she had nursed.

It’s hard to see in the thick of it, but one thing I have learned about babies is that you look for trends over time, because individual instances of behavior, by themselves, mean almost nothing.

It could have been an off day. It could be that she just doesn’t associate the middle of the day with food yet. She may just not have been in the mood. It doesn’t mean it’s never going to work. It just didn’t work today.

Any change I make with baby I stick to at least for one week and preferably two before I decide whether it’s working or not.

I will say I think it’s really encouraging she eats so much. My 14 month old doesn’t eat as much as your baby does (which is par for the course for us. My second is the only one who’s been enthusiastic about food that young.) I think if you keep offering she’ll get it. If she has started trying to pick stuff up she can try gumming things like baby puffs, which are not nearly as messy.

 

[AClaire11]

She definitely needs two naps. She skipped the second one today, though. I called Catholic Charities to get into their system again to see a counselor. Hopefully there is one near me because last time I had to see someone a long drive away and it was inconvenient then and not an option now. Should I also go see the midwife? I’m worried they’ll just try to put me on medication. I was on Zoloft for PTSD and depression back in college and once I went past a certain dosage, it was bad.

 

[casslean]

I don’t know if this has come up yet, but for the OP - what do you do during the day, other than hang out in the apartment with your baby? Do you have a network of people that you can connect with?

One of the things I’ve noticed in young parents in our church, especially in young mothers, is that when they spend all day at home with their babies they quickly get overwhelmed by the day-to-day activities and lose perspective. In our church, we have a weekly dinner and movie for these families to come together. They get to talk to other adults, form friendships, commisserate, share ideas, and support one another. There are also people there like me, who love children but have none, who can keep kids occupied and give parents a break, and grandparents whose grandchildren live far away - we get to spend time with children we otherwise wouldn’t have.

If you don’t have some kind of network, I’d recommend reaching out and finding some. Mommy and Me programs are a good place to start; your pastor might have other ideas. It sounds like you could use some good general support.

 

[pensmama87]

She definitely needs two naps. She skipped the second one today, though. I called Catholic Charities to get into their system again to see a counselor. Hopefully there is one near me because last time I had to see someone a long drive away and it was inconvenient then and not an option now. Should I also go see the midwife? I’m worried they’ll just try to put me on medication. I was on Zoloft for PTSD and depression back in college and once I went past a certain dosage, it was bad.

I’m going to PM you about some non-med options. But I think if you’re upfront about how you reacted, they’ll try and find something else that works and/or go a non-medical route. Meds alone are rarely the solution anyway. But if you do some non-med stuff, and stick with it for a while, and it’s not helping or you feel worse, then I would urge you to reconsider that, for your own sake.

The reality is your life situation is very, very hard right now. You live in a studio. Your husband works full-time and is in school. You live in a high cost area without much income, and you no longer have a car. That is HARD any way you slice it. Whatever resources and support you can rely on for help, go for it!

We’re praying for you. :hug1:

 

[Xantippe]

Took a small catnap this morning and a 90 minute one during her nap. The cat even came for part of it. I feel a lot better.

Her doctor’s solution was to hide in the bathroom and then come back out. Which didn’t work. I keep meaning to try different doctors at that office but never end up following through because she’s so nice and I second guess myself.

The bunny is one of those little blanket squares that said 9m+ on it, but I understand that others might be uncomfortable with that.

I’m so glad you had a little rest!

 

[newlywed8]

Just one quick suggestion: is it possible that she has any food sensitivities/allergies? My younger one had a cow’s milk protein sensitivity/allergy and the only symptom was horrible sleep. If I even had butter, she would sleep fitfully, wake up easily, and be up for hours in the middle of the night. As long as I steered clear of anything with cow’s milk, she slept fantastic (waking every 3-4 hours as an infant, then maybe 1x till 18 mo) and I didn’t do any sleep training. now, at 3, she seems to be outgrowing this sensitivity (but after so many sleepless nights until we discovered the problem, I am disinclined to test this theory all that aggressively. She has had a few bites of cheese and milk cooked into food products without problems, though. )

 

[Xantippe]

I’m going to PM you about some non-med options. But I think if you’re upfront about how you reacted, they’ll try and find something else that works and/or go a non-medical route. Meds alone are rarely the solution anyway. But if you do some non-med stuff, and stick with it for a while, and it’s not helping or you feel worse, then I would urge you to reconsider that, for your own sake.

The reality is your life situation is very, very hard right now. You live in a studio. Your husband works full-time and is in school. You live in a high cost area without much income, and you no longer have a car. That is HARD any way you slice it. Whatever resources and support you can rely on for help, go for it!

We’re praying for you. :hug1:

Yes!

 

[AClaire11]

Just one quick suggestion: is it possible that she has any food sensitivities/allergies? My younger one had a cow’s milk protein sensitivity/allergy and the only symptom was horrible sleep. If I even had butter, she would sleep fitfully, wake up easily, and be up for hours in the middle of the night. As long as I steered clear of anything with cow’s milk, she slept fantastic (waking every 3-4 hours as an infant, then maybe 1x till 18 mo) and I didn’t do any sleep training. now, at 3, she seems to be outgrowing this sensitivity (but after so many sleepless nights until we discovered the problem, I am disinclined to test this theory all that aggressively. She has had a few bites of cheese and milk cooked into food products without problems, though. )

Wouldn’t she have a reaction if she ate milk products then? She had some yogurt based food with no troubles. I’m just hesitant because literally almost everything I eat involves dairy.

 

[AClaire11]

I don’t know if this has come up yet, but for the OP - what do you do during the day, other than hang out in the apartment with your baby? Do you have a network of people that you can connect with?

One of the things I’ve noticed in young parents in our church, especially in young mothers, is that when they spend all day at home with their babies they quickly get overwhelmed by the day-to-day activities and lose perspective. In our church, we have a weekly dinner and movie for these families to come together. They get to talk to other adults, form friendships, commisserate, share ideas, and support one another. There are also people there like me, who love children but have none, who can keep kids occupied and give parents a break, and grandparents whose grandchildren live far away - we get to spend time with children we otherwise wouldn’t have.

If you don’t have some kind of network, I’d recommend reaching out and finding some. Mommy and Me programs are a good place to start; your pastor might have other ideas. It sounds like you could use some good general support.

I have some young adult friends and one mom friend, but they all work and so I haven’t seen them since soon after the baby was born because everything they do is at night and they’re just generally very busy. I do go a Christian women’s group each Wednesday, but it’s in Springfield and I don’t know how long people will be willing to give me rides before just expecting me to get a car. There is a library program I went to, but it’s right at the end of her morning nap most of the time and so I don’t have time to get there most weeks. I still haven’t managed to meet anyone at the parish. I was going to email about some groups but got sidetracked. Even when I went to YA groups there in the past, though, no one was very interested in making friends beyond the ones they had.

 

[newlywed8]

Wouldn’t she have a reaction if she ate milk products then? She had some yogurt based food with no troubles. I’m just hesitant because literally almost everything I eat involves dairy.

Again, only speaking from my experience with my daughter, but she never had any ‘classic’ signs of a sensitivity. Her stool was maybe slightly discolored, but I only really know that because it changed after I completely cut out dairy. Before I realized it was a problem, my pediatrician had asked about stools during routine check-ups and thought my daughter’s sounded normal. She also never had rashes, hives, or anything else. Honestly, we discovered the sensitivity by accident-- I just naturally had a few dairy-free days (oatmeal for breakfast instead of cereal, ran out of yogurt, something like that) and noticed a tremendous difference in her sleep. If it had not been for that fluke, I strongly suspect we never would have caught it and she would have just been labled a difficult baby and a poor sleeper.

I think my eating the dairy products just made her not feel good and a bit uncomfortable. She wasn’t waking up screaming, she just wanted to nurse constantly because that was her comfort and she knew (but couldn’t express) that she was uncomfortable.

I have no idea if your baby has any type of food sensitivity (to milk or anything else) but if you are at the end of your rope, it might be worth cutting out a few major allergens (like wheat and cow’s milk and peanuts) for like a few weeks and see if you notice any differences.

Whatever you decide to do, prayers for you and I hope you find a solution quickly.

 

[newlywed8]

Again, only speaking from my experience with my daughter, but she never had any ‘classic’ signs of a sensitivity. Her stool was maybe slightly discolored, but I only really know that because it changed after I completely cut out dairy. Before I realized it was a problem, my pediatrician had asked about stools during routine check-ups and thought my daughter’s sounded normal. She also never had rashes, hives, or anything else. Honestly, we discovered the sensitivity by accident-- I just naturally had a few dairy-free days (oatmeal for breakfast instead of cereal, ran out of yogurt, something like that) and noticed a tremendous difference in her sleep. If it had not been for that fluke, I strongly suspect we never would have caught it and she would have just been labled a difficult baby and a poor sleeper.

I think my eating the dairy products just made her not feel good and a bit uncomfortable. She wasn’t waking up screaming, she just wanted to nurse constantly because that was her comfort and she knew (but couldn’t express) that she was uncomfortable.

I have no idea if your baby has any type of food sensitivity (to milk or anything else) but if you are at the end of your rope, it might be worth cutting out a few major allergens (like wheat and cow’s milk and peanuts) for like a few weeks and see if you notice any differences.

Whatever you decide to do, prayers for you and I hope you find a solution quickly.

Oh, and I forgot to mention. Since we knew she had the milk sensitivity before we started solids, she never had milk herself. When she was ~18 mo she accidently had a chicken in a butter based sauce, but she still just had her normal reaction (not sleeping, wanting to nurse all night) rather than a ‘typical’ allergic reaction. I don’t know what would have happened if we just gave her milk and yogurt earlier.

 

[casslean]

I have some young adult friends and one mom friend, but they all work and so I haven’t seen them since soon after the baby was born because everything they do is at night and they’re just generally very busy. I do go a Christian women’s group each Wednesday, but it’s in Springfield and I don’t know how long people will be willing to give me rides before just expecting me to get a car. There is a library program I went to, but it’s right at the end of her morning nap most of the time and so I don’t have time to get there most weeks. I still haven’t managed to meet anyone at the parish. I was going to email about some groups but got sidetracked. Even when I went to YA groups there in the past, though, no one was very interested in making friends beyond the ones they had.

This is where your pastor might be able to help out. He can direct you to groups that can be more of a support for you - and I’m goign to encourage you to reach out to more women’s groups and fewer “YA” groups. Women’s groups and family groups can give support and experience. You might even find support in some non-traditional groups - for instance, our CWL is a huge support for young mothers even though the average age is closer to 60 because there are so many women who have had their children and love to be able to offer a helping hand to a new generation of women.

Reach out for help. Even sitting down after Mass and tellign your pastor “Hey, I’m home all day with the baby and feeling a little isolated and overwhelmed. Is there anything I could get involved in with the parish that might help me?” might be a good first step.

 

[Viki63]

Yes, these are good suggestions. We need a support group.

I noticed that in an earlier post you were frustrated because the baby was awakened at 6 PM, when you had been trying to get her to sleep, That seems awfully early to me. My kids used to fall asleep around 10 PM (after a couple of naps during the day.) Then they would sleep longer during the night. And I was giving them some cereal to fill them up in addition to breastmilk.

As others have said, when you’re going through this it seems like it will go on forever, then suddenly it’s over and you wonder – when did that kid grow up?

.

 

[CountrySinger]

I apologise if this sounds rude, but do you have any hobbies? Are you interested in learning a craft like knitting or crochet? Knitting saved my life after having my son. It gave me something tangible that I did, even if life as a SAHM got me down. Plus there are groups that meet and you can get to know people in a laid back setting.

My closest friends are from my old knitting group. Plus, they welcomed my son. I got a chance to eat cake, drink some coffee, and knit while my son was adored by everyone.

And you learn for fairly cheap. YouTube has tutorials and big box craft store have supplies for not very much money. You can do it anywhere (I always have a sock in my bag), don’t need electricity, doesn’t take up much space, and it is quiet. I knit while my son plays, and I can put it down right away if I’m needed.

Sorry to sound like I’m an advertisement. I’m just really passionate about yarn.

When I was in the worst of post natal psychosis and depression, my therapist was like “do something you love, you can’t be a good mom if you lose yourself. I’m going to prescribe knitting (I mentioned it was my hobby, but hadn’t had time to do it).” I think the knitting did more than the anti-depressants.

 

[AClaire11]

I apologise if this sounds rude, but do you have any hobbies? Are you interested in learning a craft like knitting or crochet? Knitting saved my life after having my son. It gave me something tangible that I did, even if life as a SAHM got me down. Plus there are groups that meet and you can get to know people in a laid back setting.

My closest friends are from my old knitting group. Plus, they welcomed my son. I got a chance to eat cake, drink some coffee, and knit while my son was adored by everyone.

And you learn for fairly cheap. YouTube has tutorials and big box craft store have supplies for not very much money. You can do it anywhere (I always have a sock in my bag), don’t need electricity, doesn’t take up much space, and it is quiet. I knit while my son plays, and I can put it down right away if I’m needed.

Sorry to sound like I’m an advertisement. I’m just really passionate about yarn.

When I was in the worst of post natal psychosis and depression, my therapist was like “do something you love, you can’t be a good mom if you lose yourself. I’m going to prescribe knitting (I mentioned it was my hobby, but hadn’t had time to do it).” I think the knitting did more than the anti-depressants.

I do knit, but haven’t in a few months. I was in a knitting group but can’t get to it now that I don’t have a car. Maybe I’ll order some cheap yarn in a week or so. I gave my remaining yarn away to the group leader because I wasn’t able to get anything done.

We didn’t try sleep training last night and she did wake up a lot but I feel a lot better.

 

[Spark2]

This is our third night of sleep training and it’s been awful. I finally gave in to the idea after a night where she nursed at bedtime for two hours straight and then woke up every single hour. She wakes up at least every two hours. My husband and I haven’t had sex in over a year. How are we supposed to try for #2 or have a functional marriage? I’m exhausted and cranky and easily ticked off all the time.

The first night went great. She fell asleep after half an hour and I was able to come back out of the bathroom and hang out in bed (we live in a studio). She woke up to be fed every three hours (we are NOT night weaning yet), which was great. The second night was a huge fail because my husband woke her up twice and she fell asleep sitting up. Then she had a dirty diaper and wouldn’t fall back asleep for an hour. She woke up every hour and I just gave up and brought her into bed. Tonight, the third night, I waited 40 minutes after she fell sleep to come back into the room. She was asleep sitting straight up, somehow woke up and saw me, and scared the hell out of me by suddenly beginning to wail. It’s impossible to get our apartment pitch black so she could see me slightly.

Do I give up? My husband wants to keep going until it’s been a week but I am at the end of my rope. He has to leave the apartment for hours at bedtime, I have to hide in the bathroom, we can’t make the slightest noise, I’m starting to have a panic response whenever she wakes up and cries, and she used to love playing in the crib for a few minutes but now immediately freaks out if put in there awake.

Please don’t yell at me for trying to sleep train, I feel like I’m caught between a rock and a hard place and i don’t know what to do. Women on the La Leche forums are saying their babies woke every two hours until they were almost two years old and that terrifies me.

I know your budget is tight, but I Highly recommend a sleep consultant appointment. I had complex sleeping issues (twins with colic and milk intolerances, medically fragile who were not even allowed to sleep train till 6 months, a tiny home, a child who could regularly stay awake 24 or more hours straight) and no support. I could never nap when children napped, since despite every effort, children were never asleep at the same time.

At 8 months I started wearing out. All our reserves were gone after 20 or more wake ups a night. I began hallucinating, falling asleep driving and forgetting food on the stove resulting in fires. I neglected to eat. I fainted frequently from exhaustion and hunger. We needed to carry on, but our lack of sleep became debilitating.

Our sons proved virtually immune to CIO (10 hours a night awake, screaming for a week, then sleeping all day! We were mixing up their days and nights again!)

That’s when we called in the sleep consultant. She was wonderful. She asked us our goals, our sleep situation, our comfort with crying. She devised a plan that helped us all. My kids did not become wonderful sleepers (that isn’t the cards, they still make frequently as preschoolers) but we started getting a few hours and it was enough to help us survive.

When you get so exhausted, it removes your ability to make a good, safe choice. You want it to be better now so you try new things, desperately to find something that worked. Following the consultants plan, with her steady encouragement, was worth all the money in the world to me. I was struggling with suicidal thoughts and I believe that sleep consultant saved me.

Good luck and please consider getting this help. It has the potential to be life changing for you.

 

[Xantippe]

I do knit, but haven’t in a few months. I was in a knitting group but can’t get to it now that I don’t have a car. Maybe I’ll order some cheap yarn in a week or so. I gave my remaining yarn away to the group leader because I wasn’t able to get anything done.

We didn’t try sleep training last night and she did wake up a lot but I feel a lot better.

Good!