Pornography, why do men do this?

[LukeFive]

To those that think that it is wrong to issue an ultimatum over something like this, I have to disagree with you in part. Yes I think that it would be wrong to continually hold it over someone’s head or keep brining it up. My girlfriend and I have agreed to never hold either of our pasts against each other or to hold them over the other’s head, never to bring those things into some current argument or use them in anger to hurt the other. I do not feel that it is unreasonable however, to not want to be in a relationship with someone that has a current pornography habit. When I first told my girlfriend about my history, she told me that if I was still doing it, that our relationship would not be going forward until I stopped. I feel that this is more than reasonable. She also told me that she was there for me and willing to help me in any way she could which showed in her compassionate response to my last fall.

I do not know if this helps at all, but this is my story and take on the situation. Pray about it, pray for strength and that you find God’s will for you, pray for him, and pray with him.

 

[chevalier]

Luke, the only problem with the ultimatum is not when it takes the form of a choice but when it takes form of a thread or compulsion. You can make an ultimatum without bending a person’s will, but it takes some diligence.

Different men have different reasons, some do it because they were hurt by women and don’t wish to go for another relationship. Let’s not make wide sweeping generalizations about everything and concentrate it all down to how hurt women are

True and some are “losers” with no luck with women. Others are lonely and anti-social. There are many reasons. Objectively, porn is still grave. It always messes a person’s head, too. By the way, masturbation isn’t always attached. Some guys do it on a warped sense of social interaction. They don’t get to date, so they look at pics. Still bad, but not gone as far as completely raunchy pics or videos and masturbation.

 

[whatevergirl]

I don’t really look at telling someone that you are thinknig of ending the relationship, if certain behaviors continue–as an ultimatum. It is actually loving to ‘warn’ someone. I think it could be unloving for someone to continue in sinful behaviors, without telling them that if the behaviors continue, you’ll need to leave. It isn’t threatening, it’s reality, in my eyes. When my kids behave in negative ways, I warn them. I tell them…this continues, this is what is going to happen.

That is not an ultimatum. An ultimatum is…‘if you don’t change this, I’m outta here.’ Instead, what could be said is…'I really don’t think I can continue dating you (Bob…fill in name) if you continue to view porn. I am here to support you, help you, but until you get some help, and you stop this behavior, I think we should take a break."

Putting some distance between one’s self, and destructive behavior in a relationship, is not a bad thing. It might just help the person more than if there was no distance. Just my two cents.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, Kaily. My prayers are with you.

 

[whatevergirl]

Why do we make dating relationships seem like marriages, and tell people to keep hanging in with someone who is not treating them right? I believe in forgiveness – but if someone continues along a path of destructive behavior, and it affects me negatively, makes me feel bad about myself, etc…why would I stay with this person, if I’m not married to him? (I am married but speaking as if I were not for a moment)

I am not saying to ‘dump’ someone at the first sign of discord, but after a while, I have to scratch my head as to why people link dating and marriage into the same category. Marriage requires vows to be taken, and ending such a relationship takes a lot of reflection, and consideration before doing so. But, dating? I wouldn’t marry someone who had a porn addiction…no matter how much he told me he loves me. Actions speak louder than words. We could debate all day why someone uses porn, steals from a bank, or cheats on his/her spouse. That doesn’t negate that the person being treated poorly is suffering over this.

Kaily, I’m sure it’s not easy what you’re going through, and your bf sounds like he wants to stop the behavior. But, after a while, if you keep going round and round with him on this…you finally have to ask yourself…is this the kind of husband I want for my future? I don’t think that ultimatums etc work really. If he wants to change…he needs to make efforts to change. Not only for you…but for his relationship with him and God. First and foremost, he needs to get to the root cause of why he likes to view porn…what got him addicted in the first place. But, I just wanted to offer up that you don’t need to feel badly if you don’t want to stay with someone who does this…

Again, dating is not marriage. I wouldn’t end something at the first sign or two of discord, but I wouldn’t keep feeling bad about myself over and over, in a dating relationship. Marriage requires more consideration, because vows were taken, before God. Dating isn’t like this…I just offer this to you, because we all could debate all day why your bf chooses to view porn, but it doesn’t change how YOU FEEL.

Whatever you choose, don’t settle for a guy that treats you less than what you deserve. I hope your bf gets help, and stops his viewing of porn…in the meantime, I pray that you don’t allow him to hurt you any further. How much and for how long, you allow this to hurt you, is up to you. (if the porn viewing continues) Hopefully, he will stop the behavior, from reading through a recent post of yours, it appears like he knows the behavior isn’t good. I would suspect most men want to stop, but might not ‘know how.’

You’re in my prayers.

 

[whatevergirl]

Kaily there is absolutely nothing wrong with you for feeling really sick about what your boy friend has done. Porn is so distorted and so perverted and messes so much with the brain of those women and men that watch it that you have every right to feel both hurt and betrayed as a woman.
The sin is also against you because he is not living chastely and he is not keeping himself pure. He is cheating by having sexual relations with these other women, and this has to be called what it is.
In Jason Everts book “If you really Loved me”, he rightly states that a person is not ready to become married until a porn addiction is truly in the past.
There are some internet pages that deal with ministry to comfort people who struggle with sex addiction and also offers help and comfort to the broken women in their lives. Someone else will be able to direct you to these pages.
Its normal for women who are married to porn addicts to feel extremely low self esteem and betrayed most intimately because of the enormous perversion that their loved ones chose to take part in when they turn to porn.

I am sorry that you are going through this, but I would advice you to step back from the relationship for a while until this has been brought into order and your bf has proven that this was a one time fall. You deserve more than such behaviour and you have to show clearly that you will not tolerate this behaviour in a future spouse.
I know that sounds hard but I believe its the way to go. I am by no means perfect and acknowlege that people who are addicted to porn have a real struggle. But sin is still a choice and just like I would advice the girl friend of a drug addict or alcholic to step back and really consider their future, I also advice that to you.
:hug1:

Grace.

This is great advice! (particular what I bolded)

 

[whatevergirl]

Thank you so much for prayers and advice. I do have compassion on him and I’m not breaking up with him over this, he is sincerely trying to overcome this, but this is a sin he struggles with the most. We have gone to a Christopher West conference together and I have some of his books as well and I will work on truly forgiving him, he told me he hates that he has to struggle with this sin and he wishes it would just go away. The reason he fell back into it (he hadn’t done it in a few years) was because of a pop up image on his computer. He has been in tears over this, so he is sorry and wants to overcome it, so I will support him and pray with him and for him.

Thanks for your advice, I appreciate it. I’m just struggling with this hurt I feel right now.

God Bless

I just read this, and I’m thinking that your bf really wants to change his behavior on this. He is blessed to have you, to go through this trial with. I hope he truly kicks the habit, and that you won’t be hurting anymore over this. Only you can tell for yourself, what will be enough to tolerate, if his behavior does not change over time. Praying for you both. (My longer post is not necessarily directed at you, but just in general…that I think many people view dating as a marriage and it really isn’t)

 

[chaz0426]

to the OP I can totally relate to your boyfriend. I have struggled/still do with the same problem. I know for you it must be very hard to understand but I’ll try to explain it the best way I can at least for me personally. I usually can go weeks at a time being relatively pure and seek confession when I fail as i’ve been doing for a while. I’ve tried filters and they don’t work, some images always manage to escape through the filter even when your not looking for them.

For me and assuming most guys, it’s more like an urge comparable to sneezing. It sounds weird but it’s an almost physical urge. The longer I go to abstain the more the stronger that urge gets. While not always present, when it does come it is much stronger each and every time the longer I go to the point where as much as I want to hold back, I can’t and I have to sneeze (release the urge/tension) and try to seek confession soon after if I can and start over. It’s not a good feeling either, the guilt sucks even though I know I tried as hard as I could but it was just too great. Like a sneeze that you just couldn’t hold long enough.Obviously sneezing isn’t sinful and porn is but I’m using it as an analogy.

Little things also trigger the urge much easily the longer I abstain too to the point where everyday things like even models on magazines in wal mart or attractive women on TV’s and especially since I watch a lot of news on TV, many attractive news anchor’s who wear really revealing clothing set me off even and the urge can last most of the day! Most of the time it happens when I’m on the computer and something revealing pops up even if it’s just a banner add and next thing I know I’ve made my way to more explicit sites and I eventually get to the point of no return and yeah. That’s mostly how it happens, I didn’t plan it but one site or image led to another and literally there are sites everywhere and that’s what’s sad. I wish there was a way you could get your Internet Service Provider to block out that part of the web so I can’t even get to a site if I tried. That would really help me defeat my habit and force me to deal with the urge.

Even sometimes when I don’t ask for it it things just pop up. Sexually stimulating stuff is literally every where here in America and it’s sad for us guys who have a very strong sex drive and are alone and don’t have a loving spouse to help manage it as I am 20 and single.

My ex girlfriend was helping me through the issue just like you are helping your boyfriend and my ex was my best friend through it until she ended up cheating on me by having sex with some guy friend even though we both pledged to save sex till marriage together ( never had sex with her ). So just recently I decided to not be friends with her and had to leave her for good but that’s a long story too. Maybe part of the pain started my habit again, I don’t know.

To get back to the topic, I can go weeks being pure and it really makes me feel good to be pure but the urge is just too strong sometimes where I have to give in. Sometimes I lay down on the bed to make the urge go away and to hold out as long as I can and sometimes I just can’t. Never the less I keep trying hoping that if I hold out long enough the urge will go away. Most times it seems so much easier to give in and release that urge than to have it over your head for days at a time like a sneeze you keep holding in.

I know this was long but that’s the best way I can explain it. I know it is wrong and still seek confession when I can and hope to break it this year so I can start a healthy relationship with this in the past someday. I hope I was helpful and just be a best friend to your boyfriend and try to be his coach and just constantly check up on him to see how he’s doing on his purity so long as he allows you too. I hope I helped

 

[whatevergirl]

I think what you say chaz is so true…that sexually stimulating pics, etc are nearly ‘everywhere.’ I can’t drive 2 miles, without seeing a provocative billboard, etc…I’m female, I don’t have the same struggles, but it makes me feel sad for so many men trying to overcome their struggles with impurity.

That being said…think about this…the porn industry doesn’t only use women, it uses men too. It is a BILLION dollar business, and that is the only reason it works so hard to make pop ups so readily available…and spam mail hard to stop coming into our inboxes. So, to the men who struggle with this–the industry is USING you, just like it uses women. It makes money off of hurting you, and enslaving you into this sin. That could also be something to think about, to help fight off the habit.

Prayers to all who struggle with this on here.

 

[chaz0426]

I think what you say chaz is so true…that sexually stimulating pics, etc are nearly ‘everywhere.’ I can’t drive 2 miles, without seeing a provocative billboard, etc…I’m female, I don’t have the same struggles, but it makes me feel sad for so many men trying to overcome their struggles with impurity.

That being said…think about this…the porn industry doesn’t only use women, it uses men too. It is a BILLION dollar business, and that is the only reason it works so hard to make pop ups so readily available…and spam mail hard to stop coming into our inboxes. So, to the men who struggle with this–the industry is USING you, just like it uses women. It makes money off of hurting you, and enslaving you into this sin. That could also be something to think about, to help fight off the habit.

Prayers to all who struggle with this on here.

Thanks, that’s very true and a good thought to keep in mind. I wish I could think about that when it happens but it’s almost like my will power is not there and my mind is on autopilot when it happens and I don’t think about any of that until after it when I feel guilt.

I will try harder to have that thought in mind next time though.

 

[whatevergirl]

Thanks, that’s very true and a good thought to keep in mind. I wish I could think about that when it happens but it’s almost like my will power is not there and my mind is on autopilot when it happens and I don’t think about any of that until after it when I feel guilt.

I will try harder to have that thought in mind next time though.

I think what could help…is placing a large sticky note (sounds trite but visuals could help?) right on your computer…like positioned so you see it everytime you turn the computer on…with Biblical Scripture, and the sentence…“Porn uses men. It uses women. It causes me to stumble in my walk with the Lord.” OR whatever you like that might help.

 

[Methodi]

All men dont do this!

I’m a heavy smoker. I know I shouldnt smoke, I sometimes despise myself for not having the strength of character to give it up but I keep on smoking despite making one resolution after another to stop. I guess I’m addicted to nicotine. Perhaps porn is a similar type of addiction?

It is an addiction & many men are drawn into it, basically man is an animal, they like things of prurient nature. Thats just the way they are made

 

[Chris_LaRock]

Could it be considered a form of penance for someone to endure withdrawal from masturbation or pronography?

 

[Podo2005]

It is an addiction & many men are drawn into it, basically man is an animal, they like things of prurient nature. Thats just the way they are made

Being a catholic I strongly disagree with this viewpoint
Men aren’t animals, Men are human, created in the image of God.
Because of our fallen nature ( the fact that we’ve all sinned and fallen away from God) our bodies have become corrupted. In this case it is our sexual instinct that has gone wrong. Men weren’t made for sexual immorality, the gift of sexual intercourse is reserved for husband and wife only.

Yes it is true that many men & women are drawn into it and that it damages their relationship with Christ and their ability to love others BUT we must not stop there and say " Oh they were made that way". It is POSSIBLE to overcome porn addiction and I believe that anyone who is an addict should strive to do the best they can (with God’s grace of course) to overcome this addiction. If you fall, get back up again.There is NO EXCUSE, Christ died for us 2000 years ago, guaranteeing us freedom from sin. The only unforgivable sin would be to stop trying and say “Oh I’m just made that way…”

Your brother in Christ
Zachary

 

[Podo2005]

Could it be considered a form of penance for someone to endure withdrawal from masturbation or pronography?

For someone to stop watching porn or masturbating you mean?

 

[yessisan]

Because they have** no self respect and no self love**. I’m married to a man who’s fallen for this many times and you end up SICK of it. But so you know, it has nothing to do with you. It’s all him.

 

[Joseph_L_Varga]

Could it be considered a form of penance for someone to endure withdrawal from masturbation or pronography?

Yes, exactly. Fighting the temptation when it’s torturing you just like Chaz described and feels like a monster that’s going to swallow you up, in a psychological sense, is a cross and an opportunity to participate in Jesus Christ’s passion. To certain saints (St. Francis, Padre Pio) God gave the stigmata, and to many other saints and ordinary people like the rest of us, God will send sickness, various hardships, and temptations - they are all crosses that give us opportunity to participate in Jesus’ suffering, so that later on we can also participate in his glory. It’s documented that St. Benedict was suffering so hard of temptations, at a point he threw himself into a bush of thorns just to distract his attention and not to fall into sin (and he didn’t even have computers and internet). St. Thomas Aquinas suffered temptations for about 2 years, and then once he had a vision of two angels girdling him up with a belt around his chest, and the temptations miraculously disappeared from that day, without a trace and for the rest of his life. St. Faustina (d. 1938; see her diary “Divine mercy in my soul”) had many things supernaturally revealed to her. Once she saw a religious (priest or monk, I don’t remember) terribly suffering from temptations, in a vision. God also revealed to her that this religious was permitted to suffer in this way - it was God’s plan for him to have that cross. At that point, St. Faustina offered to pray for this religious so that his sufferings would be reduced and God permitted her to do that.

 

[Methodi]

Being a catholic I strongly disagree with this viewpoint
Men aren’t animals, Men are human, created in the image of God.
Because of our fallen nature ( the fact that we’ve all sinned and fallen away from God) our bodies have become corrupted. In this case it is our sexual instinct that has gone wrong. Men weren’t made for sexual immorality, the gift of sexual intercourse is reserved for husband and wife only.

Yes it is true that many men & women are drawn into it and that it damages their relationship with Christ and their ability to love others BUT we must not stop there and say " Oh they were made that way". It is POSSIBLE to overcome porn addiction and I believe that anyone who is an addict should strive to do the best they can (with God’s grace of course) to overcome this addiction. If you fall, get back up again.There is NO EXCUSE, Christ died for us 2000 years ago, guaranteeing us freedom from sin. The only unforgivable sin would be to stop trying and say “Oh I’m just made that way…”

Your brother in Christ
Zachary

They are just made that way, all thru high school junior high military & college thats all they think of. & in many places I have worked, thats all U heard from men is sex talk. We are just made that way, that is fallen human nature& most men will probably never wipe it completely out of their lives, even tho they might try. & in essence we are all animals just a higher form & U know it

 

[Chris_LaRock]

For someone to stop watching porn or masturbating you mean?

yeah. resisting can be very painful.

 

[chevalier]

It is an addiction & many men are drawn into it, basically man is an animal, they like things of prurient nature. Thats just the way they are made

Careful with that kind of views. I hope you realise that they typically come from the same people who oppose the teachings of the Church, not from Catholic sources, let alone Catholic tradition? Man and woman are equally human. Even on the grounds of lay science, this can easily be proven.

Could it be considered a form of penance for someone to endure withdrawal from masturbation or pronography?

Unless there’s something I’m missing, no. Masturbation is not like alcohol or tobacco that you can use or abuse, masturbation is always abuse. Giving up an addictive pleasure that isn’t good for your health could be a penance, but not doing something which is always bad couldn’t really. You can’t make a penance of not cheating and you can’t make a penance of not masturbating, either. I suppose a penance could include particular efforts directed into avoiding a particular sin, but not the lack of commission of that sin. It’s an obligation to endure.

 

[kage_ar]

They are just made that way, all thru high school junior high military & college thats all they think of. & in many places I have worked, thats all U heard from men is sex talk. We are just made that way, that is fallen human nature& most men will probably never wipe it completely out of their lives, even tho they might try. & in essence we are all animals just a higher form & U know it

They are made in the image and likeness of God, and I assure you - that means you are way more than an animal.

Original sin has an effect, however, with the Grace of the Sacraments and the desire to live a chaste life, anyone can do it. Anyone, that means I can and you can.

We are to pattern our lives, our thoughts, our actions, our friends, our hobbies, our jobs - all on what will get us to heaven.