Pornography, why do men do this?

[TLM08]

I was greatly hurt when my boyfriend, (who is a strong Christian) told me he still struggles with pornography. I knew that he used to, but I thought he overcame it. He informed me that this is still a major temptation for him and that he fell into looking at porn again on the internet, he doesn’t want to keep doing this and put a filter on his computer to block those sites and he has an accountability partner as well and prays and is trying to overcome this, but as his girlfriend, I must say this greatly hurt me. I don’t understand why men do this. (I know it is due to sin and our fallen nature), but it still hurts. It hurts me that he looks at other women in this way and I feel like I’m not good enough. I know that isn’t it, but I can’t stop thinking this way. He said he really struggles with this sin in particular. I hate it! Why do men do this, is there something wrong with me? Why do they feel a need to have so many women? Do they realize how much this hurts us? We’re not yet married and we both practice chastity and absistence. It just greatly bothers me, I’m praying for him that he will overcome this, just wanted to know any others who may struggle with this and how the women cope with this and their feeling when their husbands/boyfriends struggle with this sin and how they deal with it.

Men don’t look at this stuff to hurt their wives or girlfriends. I have never met a man who was proud of the fact that they look at pornography. With men, resisting the urge to look at naked women is a lot like women trying to resist that last scoop of double chocolate fudge brownie ice cream in the freezer!

Men look at pornography because our sexual nature is highly geared toward variety. This is biology. It is the way we are physically made. Variety is the very essence of male sexual nature. PERIOD! Pornographers exploit male sexual nature in order to make money. It is as simple as that. His occasional porn use should be viewed with caution because this stuff can be addictive.

The more important thing you need to find out is this:
What is he looking at? If he is simpy looking at Playboy type stuff, or overly “affectionate” couples, this is not necessarily a cause for major concern. The vast majority of men DO look at this stuff at least on occasion.

On the other hand, if he is looking at violent stuff, child porn, gay or really hardcore perversions, then there is cause for serious concern. What is he looking at?

“Porn” can mean a lot of things… Some men will use the underwear ads in the newspaper for kicks.

Also, how often and how much time does he spend with this stuff?
If it’s infrequent, then it’s really not a big deal either. This is a vice just like smoking or drinking can be. Moderate use is not the end of the world. Another note of caution is that even moderate use can interfere with a married couple’s sex life. If a man prefers his magazines and right hand to his wife’s embrace then there is a major problem.

The very fact that he is a good man…a christian man and struggling against his sexual nature is a sure sign that this guy is a winner. There are millions of young women out there who will have sex with any guy that will buy them dinner. Real sexual opportunities are everywhere.

Think about it…Of all the women he could be out there having real sex with, this good christian man wants to be with you. You… and only you… are the woman he wants to be with.
We all have a fantasy life. It’s important for us all to understand this. But to him, you must be the most beautiful woman in the world because he wants to love and be with you, and he’s even willing to go against his natural drive for other REAL women to be with just YOU!

Talk honestly and openly with him about this post.

Be at peace and God bless you both!

 

[LucyK]

Do NOT marry him until you are sure this is a thing of the past. I made this mistake, and I seriously regret it.

 

[forever_always]

I was greatly hurt when my boyfriend, (who is a strong Christian) told me he still struggles with pornography. I knew that he used to, but I thought he overcame it. He informed me that this is still a major temptation for him and that he fell into looking at porn again on the internet, he doesn’t want to keep doing this and put a filter on his computer to block those sites and he has an accountability partner as well and prays and is trying to overcome this, but as his girlfriend, I must say this greatly hurt me. I don’t understand why men do this. (I know it is due to sin and our fallen nature), but it still hurts. It hurts me that he looks at other women in this way and I feel like I’m not good enough. I know that isn’t it, but I can’t stop thinking this way. He said he really struggles with this sin in particular. I hate it! Why do men do this, is there something wrong with me? Why do they feel a need to have so many women? Do they realize how much this hurts us? We’re not yet married and we both practice chastity and absistence. It just greatly bothers me, I’m praying for him that he will overcome this, just wanted to know any others who may struggle with this and how the women cope with this and their feeling when their husbands/boyfriends struggle with this sin and how they deal with it.

I know how you’re feeling. My fiance had looked at it, i’m not sure how often… i was so upset when I found out, even though we weren’t dating at the time. He recently went through RCIA and realized how wrong it was and hasn’t looked at anything since we have been together. But yeah, he never know it was wrong… until he saw that it hurt me, and that was enough for him!

 

[chevalier]

Maybe it might be easier for you if you perhaps considered, well, as long as it’s true, that it’s some kind of disease that afflicts him but isn’t personally directed against you. As in, it’s not about you not being enough, it’s about him being ill. Good people fall victim of bad habits. Some very good people have done very bad things. Admittedly, porn feels repulsive and thus it’s hard to get over it and not be repulsed from the person who’s so afflicted. But it should be possible. Maybe concentrate on the fact he rejects it and wants it out of his head?

 

[quasius]

Oh please. Until he accepts some accountability for his own actions, he will never overcome his problem. He had to CLICK on the pop up image to get to a porn site. He CHOSE to do that, no one forced him. And if he really hadn’t done it in years (addicts are notorious liars), then he didn’t value his “sobriety” much. People who are serious about overcoming their addictions do everything they can to avoid being tempted. Why didn’t he install a simple pop-up blocker if he was serious about never looking at porn? My anti-virus software has a built-in pop-up blocker. And if he has a filter, how did this pornographic pop-up get through? And how did he get to the sites, unless he disabled the filter?

I think you’re being sold a line because he got caught.

Sorry to necro this thread, but I need to comment on this. I think you’re being way too judgmental here. Obviously his actions were objectively sinful, but you have no idea- for example- how much he values his “sobriety.”
You’re also assuming he’d know how to install a pop-up blocker and that they work. I have pop-up / add blockers, and they’re great, but porn is an unfortunate unavoidable fact of the Internet and modern life in general. Especially if you use a definition of porn such as “media created with the intention to arise lust in its consumers,” which I think is a fair definition. I can’t even drive to work without seeing porn billboards for Winghouse, Hooters, or whatever right in my face. I can’t sign onto Facebook without sometimes seeing inline adds featuring scantily-clad women leaning over to show me their cleavage to get me to click through to some hookup/dating site. It makes me mad that such companies are willing to temp me towards lust just to hawk their wares, but that’s the way it is. And don’t tell me “well stop using the Internet.” That’s silly. It’s part of my livelihood and I know God will give me the grace to resist temptation when I cooperate with Him.
I haven’t voluntarily looked at porn in over 3 years and it’s still a daily decision to say “no” with God’s grace. I expect it will be for the rest of my life. With God’s help, I’m becoming more and more convinced that I can make it that long; but to assume that because someone fell means they were covering up a daily habit seems unfair.
And even when dealing with someone who does have a daily habit, I’m not sure your apparent callousness is the way to deal with it. I know it wouldn’t have helped me. I already knew I was in horrible sin- I didn’t need to be beaten over the head with that. And thankfully, that’s not how God dealt with me. He dealt with me like this: “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It’s been one week/ three days / one day/ 3 hours since my last confession.” And it worked. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done; but with God’s help, it worked.

@ Kailey, you have the right idea of praying for your boyfriend. Don’t allow him to attack your dignity, but don’t forget that we’re all terrible sinners in need of a savior either. It may even be possible he’s not ready for a relationship right now- but that’s a matter of discernment between you, him, and God. But no matter what, don’t stop praying and forgiving. It’s the only thing that’s ever worked.

 

[mrpathetic]

Why do men do this? Three reasons:

1. Selfishness, i.e. lack of humility;
2. Lack of piety/obedience/lack of self-control;
3. fear of intimacy.

Your friend likely has at least some of these traits, if not all of them.

Send him to Every Man’s Battle, and this program will help him work on these issues:

everymansbattle.com/

 

[chaz0426]

Sorry to necro this thread, but I need to comment on this. I think you’re being way too judgmental here. Obviously his actions were objectively sinful, but you have no idea- for example- how much he values his “sobriety.”
You’re also assuming he’d know how to install a pop-up blocker and that they work. I have pop-up / add blockers, and they’re great, but porn is an unfortunate unavoidable fact of the Internet and modern life in general. Especially if you use a definition of porn such as “media created with the intention to arise lust in its consumers,” which I think is a fair definition. I can’t even drive to work without seeing porn billboards for Winghouse, Hooters, or whatever right in my face. I can’t sign onto Facebook without sometimes seeing inline adds featuring scantily-clad women leaning over to show me their cleavage to get me to click through to some hookup/dating site. It makes me mad that such companies are willing to temp me towards lust just to hawk their wares, but that’s the way it is. And don’t tell me “well stop using the Internet.” That’s silly. It’s part of my livelihood and I know God will give me the grace to resist temptation when I cooperate with Him.
I haven’t voluntarily looked at porn in over 3 years and it’s still a daily decision to say “no” with God’s grace. I expect it will be for the rest of my life. With God’s help, I’m becoming more and more convinced that I can make it that long; but to assume that because someone fell means they were covering up a daily habit seems unfair.
And even when dealing with someone who does have a daily habit, I’m not sure your apparent callousness is the way to deal with it. I know it wouldn’t have helped me. I already knew I was in horrible sin- I didn’t need to be beaten over the head with that. And thankfully, that’s not how God dealt with me. He dealt with me like this: “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It’s been one week/ three days / one day/ 3 hours since my last confession.” And it worked. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done; but with God’s help, it worked.

@ Kailey, you have the right idea of praying for your boyfriend. Don’t allow him to attack your dignity, but don’t forget that we’re all terrible sinners in need of a savior either. It may even be possible he’s not ready for a relationship right now- but that’s a matter of discernment between you, him, and God. But no matter what, don’t stop praying and forgiving. It’s the only thing that’s ever worked.

amen to that, also women have no idea how strong the sexual drive for men can be at times. Of course that is no excuse and it still boils down to the choice but it makes the temptation so much more harder to overcome especially in times of weakness and when the media is throwing it all in your face day and night. Everyday I can’t watch the news without noticing the number of very attractive women they put on almost all the news stations that really over expose their cleavage and wear short skirts.(sounds like they are trying to attract viewers to me). I do try to avoid the news. It’s really a shame. Porn use to cost money but now it’s just one click away from google if your not careful. 3/4 men and even women I come across even some that claim they are Christian(non-catholic mostly) say porn every so often is a normal thing and it is ok if your not addicted to it.

With that kind of attitude in this society combined with them throwing it in your face it makes the temptation all that much more extreme especially for young single guys like myself who have no wife or kids to account for and no one is directly affected but yourself. No I’m not excusing it and God has helped me thus far and when I fail I go to confession but it doesn’t help to shun guys who do this. Shoot even some women do this!

I really do wish they would make it like to old days where you would have to pay for any sort of porn on the web in which I wouldn’t ever pay a dime as that is basically prostitution in my mind. Also I wish women on television and even out in town wouldn’t dress so provocatively. But in today’s liberal sexually free world that would only happen at the 2nd coming.

 

[chaz0426]

Why do men do this? Three reasons:

1. Selfishness, i.e. lack of humility;
2. Lack of piety/obedience/lack of self-control;
3. fear of intimacy.

Your friend likely has at least some of these traits, if not all of them.

Send him to Every Man’s Battle, and this program will help him work on these issues:

everymansbattle.com/

That’s simply not true at all. If it is then that applies to all of us who sin which would mean even you!

 

[whatevergirl]

Ultimately, weakness is at the heart of all sins. As St Paul tells us though, we should boast about our weaknesses, because they keep us humble. He suffered from a ‘thorn in the flesh’ that he felt would keep him from becoming too prideful. But, that being said, we are to TRY our best through prayer, etc to strengthen ourselves against those things that tempt us to sin…

 

[mrpathetic]

That’s simply not true at all. If it is then that applies to all of us who sin which would mean even you!

Not all men use pornography.

Not all men are selfish, impious, or weak.

Many men are selfish, impious, and weak. And of those, a portion of them use pornography.

If a man is truly selfless, you would not engage in behaviors that degrade other humans. One of those would be pornography. Instead, you would spend you time on effort on worthwhile pursuits, such as ministry or Bible study. You would pick up a Bible, instead of a copy of your latest porno mag.

If you are truly pious, you would not engage in behaviors that so gravely offend Christ. One of those would be pornography. Instead, you would engage in prayer and acts of charity.

If you had true strength of character, you would avoid these obvious temptations. Indeed, you would avoid all occasions to sin - such as exposure to pornography.

(p.s., I am using a metaphorical “you”. I am not accusing any one person of anything, Chaz.)

 

[FanChan]

Not all men use pornography.

Not all men are selfish, impious, or weak.

Many men are selfish, impious, and weak. And of those, a portion of them use pornography.

If a man is truly selfless, you would not engage in behaviors that degrade other humans. One of those would be pornography. Instead, you would spend you time on effort on worthwhile pursuits, such as ministry or Bible study. You would pick up a Bible, instead of a copy of your latest porno mag.

If you are truly pious, you would not engage in behaviors that so gravely offend Christ. One of those would be pornography. Instead, you would engage in prayer and acts of charity.

If you had true strength of character, you would avoid these obvious temptations. Indeed, you would avoid all occasions to sin - such as exposure to pornography.

(p.s., I am using a metaphorical “you”. I am not accusing any one person of anything, Chaz.)

These are statements that can be said of all humans in all things. To be truly selfless, pious, and have true strength of character - i.e., to be a Saint - is something we all strive to achieve. And everyone alive save for two people have fallen now and again. Some of us fall farther, some harder, some into what could be considered a worse or more grievous sin than others. When we do fall, it’s extremely difficult to admit it, let alone tell the person you’re hurting with that sin that you’ve done it. Pointing that person in the direction of help is good, writing him off as simply selfish, impious, and weak is not.

It is expected that we will fall. That is why God gave us Confession, and the Eucharist for strength to avoid or overcome temptation. Sometimes, especially with a sin that can burrow so deeply into the way one thinks, these people need compassion, and to know that you’re still there for him. Or her, as the case may be. Women suffering from this same sin is something becoming more and more common.

 

[mrpathetic]

Pointing that person in the direction of help is good, writing him off as simply selfish, impious, and weak is not.

I am not advocating that the OP “write off” her husband. Far from it.

The OP needs to set a boundary within her life, and her marriage. This boundary cannot include pornography - or anyone who uses it.

Instead, I am advocating that the OP give her husband choices. Her husband has a choice to make, and her is how I would pose it to him:

"Dear, you know that I love you, and want the very best from you. However, your use of pornography is gravely sinful. It is impious, selfish, and weak. I cannot accept or tolerate this behavior in my own home.

So I am giving you a choice - me, or the pornography. You can bring home all the porno mags you want, or download all the porn you want onto your computer.

But if you do this, I will not be here. I will be sleeping somewhere else - with a relative, or at a hotel room. Once the pornography is gone, I will return.

It is your choice. You decide."

The OP can offer a loving choice to her husband: face his weakness and impiety, or go on living in sin. It is ultimately his life, and his choice. Obviously, we all should hope that he takes the first option. But ultimately, the decision not to sin is up to him.

p.s., I wish that I could take credit for this technique, but I cannot. Read a book entitled “Boundaries in Marriage”, by Cloud and Townsend. They are Christian authors who write excellent self-help books on this topic.

p.p.s., if your husband does pick the second option, leave a copy of this article behind, before you shut the door behind you:

chastitysf.com/q_masturbation.htm

 

[FanChan]

…he doesn’t want to keep doing this and put a filter on his computer to block those sites and he has an accountability partner as well and prays and is trying to overcome this…

First of all, the OP isn’t talking about a husband, but a boyfriend. That boyfriend has also said quite clearly that he is trying to overcome this. Slapping down an ultimatum will not fix things. If anything, it will make him feel that much more worthless when he falls. These are the sorts of addictions that people struggle with their whole lives. To be condescending with an ultimatum will only make that person shut themselves away. It took a lot of courage for that boyfriend to admit what he did. It seems to me that he’s doing a great deal more than most in attempting to conquer this problem; that needs to be acknowledged.

 

[mrpathetic]

First of all, the OP isn’t talking about a husband, but a boyfriend. That boyfriend has also said quite clearly that he is trying to overcome this. Slapping down an ultimatum will not fix things. If anything, it will make him feel that much more worthless when he falls. These are the sorts of addictions that people struggle with their whole lives. To be condescending with an ultimatum will only make that person shut themselves away. It took a lot of courage for that boyfriend to admit what he did. It seems to me that he’s doing a great deal more than most in attempting to conquer this problem; that needs to be acknowledged.

I would still recommend some variation of the technique. Whether this “significant other” is a boyfriend or husband, pornography is unacceptable. The OP needs to set a boundary against it. And the significant other needs to make a choice - her, or the porn. If he choses her, she should come back. If not, she needs to move on.

 

[FanChan]

I would still recommend some variation of the technique. Whether this “significant other” is a boyfriend or husband, pornography is unacceptable. The OP needs to set a boundary against it. And the significant other needs to make a choice - her, or the porn. If he choses her, she should come back. If not, she needs to move on.

Isn’t it obvious that he’s already made this choice? He’s told her that he’s doing his best to overcome it, that he knows it’s evil and is trying to stop. Having an accountability partner is a big step in the fight to overcome this. Perhaps, rather than slapping down an ultimatum and leaving it in his ring, we should be coming up with ways that she could help him overcome the addiction.

If she did present an ultimatum, and he chose her as he obviously would (unless the ultimatum itself would insult him and he’d leave her over that), what should she do if he falls to the temptation afterwards? It isn’t really even an ‘if’, but a ‘when’. Should she present the ultimatum again, or should she just leave? Or, perhaps, she should be understanding and forgiving and help him begin the process again.

 

[mrpathetic]

Isn’t it obvious that he’s already made this choice? He’s told her that he’s doing his best to overcome it, that he knows it’s evil and is trying to stop. Having an accountability partner is a big step in the fight to overcome this. Perhaps, rather than slapping down an ultimatum and leaving it in his ring, we should be coming up with ways that she could help him overcome the addiction.

If she did present an ultimatum, and he chose her as he obviously would (unless the ultimatum itself would insult him and he’d leave her over that), what should she do if he falls to the temptation afterwards? It isn’t really even an ‘if’, but a ‘when’. Should she present the ultimatum again, or should she just leave? Or, perhaps, she should be understanding and forgiving and help him begin the process again.

If he fails again, she can forgive him, and continue to love him. But that doesn’t mean that she can continue to see him as boyfriend. Just because you forgive someone doesn’t mean that you can continue to trust them - or associate with them. I’ve had plenty of people betray my trust over the years; I forgave them, and moved on with my life, without them.

Before that happens, I would recommend setting the boundary, so that the boyfriend understands completely what are the ramifications for him. So hopefully, neither party in this relationship will have to take that step.

 

[FanChan]

If he fails again, she can forgive him, and continue to love him. But that doesn’t mean that she can continue to see him as boyfriend. Just because you forgive someone doesn’t mean that you can continue to trust them - or associate with them. I’ve had plenty of people betray my trust over the years; I forgave them, and moved on with my life, without them.

Before that happens, I would recommend setting the boundary, so that the boyfriend understands completely what are the ramifications for him. So hopefully, neither party in this relationship will have to take that step.

I’m glad my mother didn’t have someone giving her that advice. My father was addicted to pornography for years. I don’t know how long she knew about it, but it got to the point that even I knew about it. My mother waited patiently for him to overcome that addiction and get through that low point in his life. Their marriage is a happy one now - save for the usual temper tantrums and such that most people go through.

Right now, her boyfriend is willing to tell her when he’s struggling. To hear that she’ll leave him if he so much as trips up in this journey to perfection, I imagine he wouldn’t be so willing to tell her things anymore, in which case yes, they’d be better off not together anymore.

This isn’t something you can just turn off when someone lays the cards on the table. It’s a constant battle, something some of us live with our whole life. Some men no longer struggle with it once they’re married, but some continue to struggle. To demand perfection won’t bring about perfection.

 

[whatevergirl]

*I don’t think mr p is suggesting we demand perfection. I agree with your comments, FanChan, in that it’s a tough battle for many men, and that we should try to help those we love through their addictions, if we can.

BUT…

If she were to leave him over this…for whatever the reason…it’s not up for us to judge that, either. They’re in the dating phase, and part of dating, is to discern whether or not someone would be good for us in marriage, or not…a suitable partner. If she decides it’s too much, it’s perfectly acceptable to end the relationship. *

 

[FanChan]

*If she were to leave him over this…for whatever the reason…it’s not up for us to judge that, either. They’re in the dating phase, and part of dating, is to discern whether or not someone would be good for us in marriage, or not…a suitable partner. If she decides it’s too much, it’s perfectly acceptable to end the relationship. *

Quite right, I agree with this. It needs to be understood that if he’s struggling with it now, it could very likely be a lifetime struggle. She then needs to decide if it’s a struggle she’s willing to help him with for as long as it lasts. If she’s not, one can hope he’d understand and won’t take it too hard. If she is, then she needs to be prepared to be forgiving. This can be said for anyone involved with this struggle.

 

[brittrossiter]

She then needs to decide if it’s a struggle she’s willing to help him with for as long as it lasts. If she’s not, one can hope he’d understand and won’t take it too hard. If she is, then she needs to be prepared to be forgiving. This can be said for anyone involved with this struggle.

Exactly. Her boyfriend may be on a difficult road, and I will pray for him to overcome his struggles with pornography. But the OP does not necessarily need to walk down this road with him. The whole point of the courtship process is to discern whether a potential husband/wife should become an actual husband/wife. The OP should be rightfully concerned with the prospect of committing herself for a lifetime to a person who may very well have a lifetime of struggle in this area ahead of him. If she does stay with him, she should be joining him in prayer.

This entire situation is very sad, and a perfect example of the damage that pornography does to our society.