But I already can foresee the response (maybe not from you, but others): “How dare you, you insignificant, despicable creature DEMAND that God be your beck and call??!!”. Should the potter be called to answer the questions of the clay?" I knocked and the door remains closed. I asked and there was no answer.
“No answer” that you have recognized. Perhaps, there are doors that are being opened that will lead you to that door you want to be opened to you. We admire the order of the universe from the movement of the planets to the geometric design of some microscopic things. Well, in the spiritual realm there is order as well. You are not expecting chaos, right? I certainly cannot speak for God, He can do whatever He wants, when He wants it, But, there is order in the spiritual world and in the same way He crosses the laws of nature and those that He designed for the universe, such as when Jesus walked on water and all those events we consider as miracles; well, He can do the same in the spiritual world/realm (whatever you want to call it). So, I cannot tell you that you need to mature spiritually at the minimum to x point to achieve some kind of certainty of His existence because, in truth, He can do whatever He wants and He knows when He will do whatever He will do. He is all knowing and knows best.
I went thru a similar experience as you have been experiencing and looking back, I see spiritual dry states as times when I earned some stars. Just don’t have a temper tantrum and walk away or give up. I understand for a long time, Mother Teresa was spiritually dry and did not have the consolation of sensing or experiencing that relationship with Jesus. It is very bothersome once you are used to it, but, she kept strong and kept going.
The way I have come to understand it is that God has set some spiritual stuff in motion and we need to overcome it and thru this process we are sanctified. The angels had to go thru a similar process. The angels were all sweet until they were tested. It was thru that test that they were sanctified.
You want to see the king. I can tell you that humility is up there - you need to take your sandals off. Keep in mind now, you want to see the being who created the sun and designed the wings of the butterflies. Maybe, seeing Him will not be in your best interest right now ( that is - not good for your eternal salvation) and He who is all-knowing knows this. Why don’t you aim for having a spiritual relationship with Him? He wants you to follow the commandments and to love your neighbors as yourself. Confession is way up there too.
Well, let’s put the potter aside. Have they quoted:“Yea, have ye never read, ‘Out of the mouth of babes and sucklings Thou hast perfected praise’?” You don’t have to be a genius, beautiful, rich, powerful, etc… to have a relationship with the King of Kings.
There appears to me to be more than just what meets the eyes, sort of speak, in your non-believing situation. The obstacle does not seem to be merely an intellectual one. There seem to be some things that you do not want to give up to go and meet Him. Pride and self-love seem to be holding you back a little - not just that He has not appeared to you and sat down to have a chat with you. Obedience is a problem - it means giving up some of your independence and power - but, don’t expect too much understanding - remember He was obedient unto death on a cross. You also seem to have a problem with the priests. I don’t know if you are angry because this is all very frustrating or where the anger is coming from?
You need to understand that He is not your equal. You want Him to knock at your door and give you a proper explanation for those things that you do not quite understand. Could this arrogance be what is keeping you at a distance? You know the prodigal son, had no pride. He went back home and gave up the pigsty. Keep in mind you want to see a real being not a figment of your imagination.
One way I found God had been present in my life was on looking back. And, also, in reading scripture. I read the bible for years not realizing it is the living word of God and it had been nourishing my soul all along.
I am not a spring chicken, and had many conversations with believers. They all boiled down to these kinds of responses. So let me tell you that I am somewhat disappointed, and have very little hope to get an honest conversation.
Were you raised Catholic?
I’m off to sleep.
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I am not editing. I hope you can understand. If not just ask.