Potential atheist boyfriend

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emilyk123

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Howdy, completely new to this forum, but I’d rather ask of advice anonymously rather than to my very conservative family.

I’m 18 and I’ve recently started dating someone, it’s not exclusive yet, but I like the guy and he likes me - I am a strong Catholic, and he’s pretty passionate Atheist. I don’t mind and nor does he, and is very respectful of my beliefs. After the first date I thought he had kind of gotten the hint I’m waiting until marriage.

However, during the second date, I kind of got vibes that he assumes we’re going to have sex eventually. Just by the way he was kissing me and moving his hands, I felt like he figured that this could be a very intimate relationship eventually. Mind you, when I ask him to slow down, he respects that - but I’m worried for when (if) we become monogamous. I’m scared that if months later we’re falling for each other, and we begin having arguments about it. I’m scared I’m going to give in.

Should I bring this up to him? That I want to wait, or should I wait for when he likes me even more? I’m terrified of talking about this seriously with him, since he’s the first respectful and sweet guy I’ve had actual feelings for (I’ve had very, very bad previous romantic experiences). What do I do? My heart tells me to give him a chance, but my conscience is telling me to back off before I end up getting seriously hurt.

By the way, he is a bit older - 21.
 
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emilyk123 said:
am a strong Catholic, and he’s pretty passionate Atheist. I don’t
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I urge you in the strongest terms to end this relationship now before it’s too late.

This sounds like a trainwreck or a heartbreak just waiting to happen.

End it before you get hurt or worse.
 
Am I understanding correctly, you’ve only been on two dates with him? I think it’s waaay too early to take the conversation to such a serious and intimate level. You probably don’t even know each others favorite food or color!

But overall, if your goal is find a suitable mate, the differences in your beliefs would be a huge hurdle to overcome. I don’t know that a relationship can be succesful and thrive when there’s such a difference in core beliefs.
 
It seems theres hope here. How much an Athy can he be at his age?
Perhaps Jesus will reach him thru you.
You should seek guidance “from above” imo
 
As someone who used to be the atheist boyfriend. Do not do it. You’re only going to hurt yourself and him.
 
I personally wouldn’t go down that road if I were you. so if it does become serious, then what? will he agree to raise the kids catholic? will he go to church with you? Do you want to be constantly explain to your kids why dad doesn’t go to church or believe in God? Maybe he doen’st even want to get married in the church. and yes, there will most likely be pressure to have sex, even if he says he’s “willing to wait”, what that really means is "well, I can’t force you, but it’s not like chastity is acutally important to me. and most of all, if your faith is the more important part of your life, then that is something your husband can’t be a part of, something you can’t share. and believe me, you might not think it’s an issue now, but it will be. I was in a sort of similar position once, and I regret every second of it
 
Being on two dates isn’t much of a track record for being respectful of your beliefs. 😉

Y’all have two totally different worldviews, values, and assumptions about how life works. You know that the relationship isn’t going to succeed without one of you undergoing dramatic change in your worldview, values, and assumptions about how life works. Are you going to be the one to change, or his he going to be the one to change?

I’m in a mixed marriage myself-- DH was raised Methodist, but isn’t really practicing anything. If I had to guess by his worldview, he’s pretty secular/agnostic. It wasn’t such a big deal when it was just us… it was limited to whether he was going to church with me or not. But it grows into a bigger problem once there are kids involved. Do you know how weird it is to be self-conscious about saying prayers with your kids, and wondering in the back of your head what your spouse thinks about it? 😦

He’s been the one who makes a thousand concessions to my Catholicism. Sometimes he understands, and sometimes he has no clue, and sometimes he’s very scornful.

But a long-term/permanent relationship difficult it is even with the common denominator of Christianity. It’s a thousand times more difficult when you are on different planets regarding your ideas of yourselves, God, and the universe around you.
 
2 dates and his hands are already moving. Nope. Atheist that is respectful of your beliefs? Doesn’t seem like it. If you think you might give in sometime after two dates, you need to end it now. It’s not going to a good place.
 
I think you should bring it up now. Tell him you’re not interested in sex until marriage. If he has a problem with that, then end the relationship. It’s better to bring it up now, before you commit to each other.
 
emilyk123 said:
I am a strong Catholic, and he’s pretty passionate Atheist.
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This is a relationship to nowhere. The purpose of dating is discerning marriage partners. This is not a person who you can have a Catholic household and raise a Catholic family with. Atheism and Catholicism are not compatible. And it is completely naïve to think this does not matter.
emilyk123 said:
during the second date, I kind of got vibes that he assumes we’re going to have sex eventually. Just by the way he was kissing me and moving his hands, I felt like he figured that this could be a very intimate relationship eventually.
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I am sure that is his expectation.
emilyk123 said:
Should I bring this up to him? That I want to wait, or should I wait for when he likes me even more?
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What is the point of that? Pretending you are OK with something you are not OK with, avoiding the subject, those are not ways to proceed in a relationship. They waste his time and yours.
emilyk123 said:
I’m terrified of talking about this seriously with him, since he’s the first respectful and sweet guy I’ve had actual feelings for
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Handsy on the second date is not respectful.
emilyk123 said:
What do I do?
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Find someone with whom you share values, religion, and life expectations.

I’m sure he’s a fun person, but really this can go nowhere. And, if you continue to build this relationship up in your mind, crush on him, yes you will be tempted to do things you do not want to do and compromise yourself.
 
If he’s kissing you and getting handsy by the second date then I think that’s not good.

If he’s not open to conversion, and he’s really thought his worldview out (a lot of people don’t, though) then maybe don’t go for it.

Also, he’s 21 and you’re a young Catholic girl. I don’t mean to imply he has bad intentions. But, it certainly doesn’t feel good.

Ultimately you know him better than us. But if he doesn’t accept your terms for morality, to quote Joey from Full House, cut it out!
 
To quote everyone else, it’s only the second date and you’re getting vibes he’s thinking about sex eventually? Like DeniseNY said, the first date is getting to know a person’s personality. The second date is talking about interests and thoughts on important things other than sex. Like whether Han shot first. The second date is waaay too early for this kind of stuff. Tread carefully,
 
what concerns me here is

I felt like he figured that this could be a very intimate relationship eventually. Mind you, when I ask him to slow down, he respects that - but I’m worried for when (if) we become monogamous. I’m scared that if months later we’re falling for each other, and we begin having arguments about it. I’m scared I’m going to give in.

Do not be a bystander in your life and just let things sort of happen to you. You are in charge of your actions and the boundaries you set for other people. Be a participant, not someone who has things happen to. Speak to him. Tell him what you think and believe. You don’t have to explain the catechism - but you need to tell him that since you were kissing, you feel you should tell him that you intend to wait for sex. If he decides not to see you again – then you are free to find a man that is an appropriate match for you to date a lot sooner. Look at it that way. It is admirable that he stopped when you said to stop – but in the “getting to know you” days of dating, you need to verbally speak your boundaries - not just wait until he crosses it.

I think you would find eventually that if you are looking to meet a future husband, an atheist who is strong in his belief of no beliefs is ultimately not a good match, but you need to see that on your own, perhaps.
 
A “passionate atheist?” A lack of belief in something is not something people can get passionate about. The only passionate atheists are anti-theists. I wouldn’t date this guy.

Also, since you are only 18 and already have had previous bad romantic experiences, maybe you should take a break from dating.
 
Yeah, I’m near 19 but I’m not going to pretend that I’ve experienced as much as someone in their 20’s. @thelibrarian
 
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