I was brought up in a devout Catholic family. While he is also Catholic he didn’t practise growing up and only returned to the Church after we met. I think he missed out on the formation and understanding of sexuality in marriage.
I’m very sorry to hear this, bumby. There have been many good suggestions, and it sounds like your consideration of counseling would be very wise. I hope he’s accepting and willing of the idea for both of your sake’s. As others have recommended, I would try to be as gentle and caring as possible in relaying how much you would desire to have more frequent, loving interactions (not just sexual, but also hugging, snuggling, and kissing!) In fact, it might be an excellent way to try to ease into the sexual aspect by utilizing more non-sexual loving contact such as the above more often if he could possibly get more accustomed to it and relaxed by it.
I would add that though this may be the case, it’s probably best for your marriage not to go straight to that conclusion. It may well be health-related, psychological, SSM related, or a mixture of these things.
You know, I have known more than one gentleman who had to be dragged kicking, screaming, and bargaining to do ANYTHING else to a Marriage Encounter who came home with a huge smile on his face and telling everyone it was the best thing he ever did.
I don’t know for definite that he isn’t gay/addicted to porn or has had a traumatic sexual experience/abuse but having been myself a victim of those last two (rape) when I was a teenager I told him everything. I’d be quite frankly amazed if any of those suggestions were true. Would anybody tell a counsellor those things?
We don’t have those in the UK but a great idea, will see how we can get to one here.
It helps.I agree with others that it would be highly unusual for a man in his 30s to not be in the mood. There must be an underlying issue that he may not even be aware of.
I know men and women think differently but I just wanted you to hear from the side of “not in the mood” as my husband and I don’t have sex much but the fault is mine not his. This may not help but it may so here goes!
Usually I’m just “not in the mood” but I think the real underlying cause for me is that I am unhappy with “me”. I want to be a good wife (including the marital bed) and I worry that I’m not up to standard. I’m a large lady and I don’t “move” easily (I’m currently pregnant though which makes things worse!! ) so I always feel awkward when we do have sex. I know I have the desire as I a) feel it and b) dream about it (with my husband of course!) but the physical just gets in the way for me. Now I’m not blaming my husband (or you for your situation) for this next bit but what really helps me actually have sex is when it happens naturally after a romantic conversation or cuddles etc not because my husbands hormones are telling him “he wants some” (does that make sense??). It doesn’t help that I go to bed a good 2 hours before my husband so I’m usually asleep or have been asleep when he comes to bed. I do however love my husband dearly and we have a good marriage.
As I say, that may not help at all
cLack of interest is one thing, determination to avoid sex, contrary to the wishes of his wife, is another and deserves a fuller discussion between the two of you than your comments suggest has occurred.
Sorry to hear that. I guess what I meant though was just not to jump directly to the porn/masturbation conclusion. Those things do have a negative effect on men but they don’t necessarily cause low libido. Though constant viewing of porn has been known to cause erectile dysfunction.
Sure, he might tell if the counselling session felt like a safe place. In my experience, though, a lot of times very busy men sometimes don’t have as much interest in sex as other people might think. I wouldn’t conclude otherwise right off the bat.
That may be so, but it’s not normal for a thirtysomething male to only have sex with their spouse less than ten times a year. there may be rare cases but it’s normally a sign of some health issue, whether mental or physical.
It can be a sign of several things, including things the husband himself may not have considered or doesn’t admit to himself, such as performance anxiety that his wife would find inexplicable.
He hasn’t ever had that problem but I’m guessing that doesn’t mean he hasn’t looked at it.
Please pray that he will go; I worry I will have some real struggles.
Please pray I will be brave to face whatever might come up.True. That only happens if porn addiction is so severe that the brain is rewired to only be aroused by pornography.
You absolutely do have Marriage Encounter in the UK! The Web site is wwme.org.uk :yup: