Pregnant Teenager

[CatholicSam]

My friend has a daughter who gave birth at the age of 17. She and her whole family were prepared to give him up for adoption, but at the last moment the baby’s father refused to give up his parental rights. So they ended up keeping the baby. She is raising him with the help of her parents. She just graduated from college and will be heading to medical school. The boy is about 5-6 years old and spends time with both his mother and his father, as well as both sets of grandparents. The mother and father are no longer romantically involved with each other.

Just wanted to let you know how it panned out for them.

 

[jasmine_n_july]

This is tough. Nobody has the right answer for you. You will have to seek it in prayer.

I understand this issue from both sides, because I was a parent at 17, and now I also have a 17 year old. She isn’t pregnant, but I can only imagine how I would feel if she were, and it would be the way you feel. I’d be angry. I’d feel resentful. I’d be afraid that my daughter would not follow through on her responsibility, and leave me with all of the burdens.

I married and had my oldest daughter when I was 17. My parents did not support me at all. I supported myself and put myself through college and grad school. Having a baby was not the problem for me. I didn’t have any trouble being responsible or loving and caring for my daughter. I do not believe she would have been better off with another family. Her mother loved her. Why should she be any where else except with her birth mother?

My problem was with the man I married. In retrospect, the best solution would have been if I could have been supported as someone who had to take on an adult role before they were ideally ready. If my parents were able to do that, then that would have been good, but they weren’t able to do it. So, it would have been ideal if extended relatives could have helped give me support while I finished school. In that way, I would have made the psychological move of “leaving home”, but still would have had some extra help. Maybe your family can find a solution like that. Maybe an aunt or grandmother in another state can help her if you cannot.

The one thing I would advise against- as many others have also stated- is feeling that you can make the decision for her. You cannot make this decision for her, and should not even be giving her (name removed by moderator)ut on whether to keep the child or give it up for adoption. If you do that, she will blame you later! Let it be 100% her decision. What you CAN do, though, is decide how you will react to her decision. If she decides to keep the baby, you do not necessarily have to agree to raise her child for her… you do not necessarily have to agree to support her. You can be “tough” here, and make her be responsible for her own decisions.

 

[jasmine_n_july]

PS… About the statutory rape thing…

I know how you feel! Even though I empathize with how you feel, I just want you to keep the long-term perspective in mind.

If you press charges against him, that will not affect his parental rights. He can file a paternity suit and be awarded joint custody. The preference of most states is for joint physical and legal custody for both biological parents. So, pressing charges may make you feel vindicated, but it will not remove him from this situation. It may backfire for you, because while he may get out of jail after 6 months, or whatever, he has the right to see his baby for 18 years. You, on the otherhand, as a grandparent, have much less of a right to the child. I know that is difficult to process, but it’s true of our court system.

I think you should ignore the father unless there is some compelling reason to want the father in the child’s life. For example- if you think he might love your daughter or might commit and support her. If you don’t think he’ll do it, I would encourage you and your daughter to have no contact with him unless it is to ask him to sign away his parental rights. Really- getting the father to sign away his rights would be my first priority as a grandmother in your situation. That man has more rights to this child than you do according to our family court system.

 

[rayne89]

PS… About the statutory rape thing…

I know how you feel! Even though I empathize with how you feel, I just want you to keep the long-term perspective in mind.

If you press charges against him, that will not affect his parental rights. He can file a paternity suit and be awarded joint custody. The preference of most states is for joint physical and legal custody for both biological parents. So, pressing charges may make you feel vindicated, but it will not remove him from this situation. It may backfire for you, because while he may get out of jail after 6 months, or whatever, he has the right to see his baby for 18 years. You, on the otherhand, as a grandparent, have much less of a right to the child. I know that is difficult to process, but it’s true of our court system.

I think you should ignore the father unless there is some compelling reason to want the father in the child’s life. For example- if you think he might love your daughter or might commit and support her. If you don’t think he’ll do it, I would encourage you and your daughter to have no contact with him unless it is to ask him to sign away his parental rights. Really- getting the father to sign away his rights would be my first priority as a grandmother in your situation. That man has more rights to this child than you do according to our family court system.

I don’t understand this. The baby is the father’s child -why on earth should it be her first priorty to deprive the child of it’s biological father -talk about selfish, wow. This isn’t only about what the father will or can do for her daughter. What about the child’s need to have a mother and a father? What about the boy’s right to know his own flesh and blood? This attitude seems utterly wrong to me.

 

[maria29]

I don’t understand this. The baby is the father’s child -why on earth should it be her first priorty to deprive the child of it’s biological father -talk about selfish, wow. This isn’t only about what the father will or can do for her daughter. What about the child’s need to have a mother and a father? What about the boy’s right to know his own flesh and blood? This attitude seems utterly wrong to me.

Thank you…I so agree with this

 

[masondoggy]

I don’t understand this. The baby is the father’s child -why on earth should it be her first priorty to deprive the child of it’s biological father -talk about selfish, wow. This isn’t only about what the father will or can do for her daughter. What about the child’s need to have a mother and a father? What about the boy’s right to know his own flesh and blood? This attitude seems utterly wrong to me.

ITA. IMO, the father should also be involved in the decision to adopt or keep the baby. After all, he participated in the act. He does have a say. Like it or not.

 

[Goth_Catholic]

Thank Heaven I’m not the only one who thinks that way.

 

[jasmine_n_july]

You obviously have no experience with how badly things can go with an uncooperative man involved. Your ideas are very naive.

First of all, “joint mature decisions” between adults who are in an unwanted pregnancy situation are rare, let alone when there are two teenagers involved.

Second of all, you get this kid involved and start “discussing” what to do, and she decides that she wants to give the baby up for adoption, he can stop her from doing that and petition the court for sole custody He can also choose a different adoptive family.

Third, he could potentially take custody from this fifteen year old girl if the circumstances were right.

Fourth, I don’t know what kind of person this guy is, but what if he’s very irresponsible. If you think the courts are going to keep the child away from him because he’s irresponsible, you have another thing coming. You give up a huge amount of control when you get into a joint custody situation. She cannot move, she cannot make decisions alone, and 90% of the time there is conflict between the families. Why get into that siutation if the guy doesn’t even know he’s a father yet?

Fifth, if her daughter decides to get married someday, she very well may not be able to let her husband adopt the child.

Sixth, he’s 18 or 19. He has no money. He can’t pay very much child support to begin with.

Your pie in the sky ideas about “the father being involved” are dangerous. Don’t take my word for it- talk to a good, experienced lawyer who specializes in family law.

 

[masondoggy]

You obviously have no experience with how badly things can go with an uncooperative man involved. Your ideas are very naive.

First of all, “joint mature decisions” between adults who are in an unwanted pregnancy situation are rare, let alone when there are two teenagers involved.

Second of all, you get this kid involved and start “discussing” what to do, and she decides that she wants to give the baby up for adoption, he can stop her from doing that and petition the court for sole custody He can also choose a different adoptive family.

Third, he could potentially take custody from this fifteen year old girl if the circumstances were right.

Fourth, I don’t know what kind of person this guy is, but what if he’s very irresponsible. If you think the courts are going to keep the child away from him because he’s irresponsible, you have another thing coming. You give up a huge amount of control when you get into a joint custody situation. She cannot move, she cannot make decisions alone, and 90% of the time there is conflict between the families. Why get into that siutation if the guy doesn’t even know he’s a father yet?

Fifth, if her daughter decides to get married someday, she very well may not be able to let her husband adopt the child.

Sixth, he’s 18 or 19. He has no money. He can’t pay very much child support to begin with.

Your pie in the sky ideas about “the father being involved” are dangerous. Don’t take my word for it- talk to a good, experienced lawyer who specializes in family law.

Well, whether YOU like it or not, a father has rights no matter how young or old he is. Period. It is MORALLY wrong to intentionally hide a baby from the father because you don’t want to be inconvenienced with having to deal with him. It’s just wrong. He does have a right to not only contest an adoption, but to have a say in who his child is adopted out to.

He has rights. Just as he has responsibilities if she decides to keep this child. You can’t take one and throw out the other.

 

[jasmine_n_july]

I don’t understand this. The baby is the father’s child -why on earth should it be her first priorty to deprive the child of it’s biological father -talk about selfish, wow. This isn’t only about what the father will or can do for her daughter. What about the child’s need to have a mother and a father? What about the boy’s right to know his own flesh and blood? This attitude seems utterly wrong to me.

Selfish? You have no idea what you are talking about. You are ignorant and naive. There are children who are kidnapped, who are abused, and who literally killed by fathers that the courts gave joint custody. Even if the father is not violent, he will have the ability to control where her daughter lives, he will have that baby on Christmas, he will have the ability to choose her daycare provider, the doctor, and he can continue to do all of that even if he doesn’t pay child support regularly.

You do NOT go into a situation as volatile as this by handing over all the rights of a loving father to a loose canon like some 18 year old who got a 15 year old pregnant while she was sneaking out of the house. That is stupid.

 

[Cecilia1963]

Thank you to all who have posted. I have especially appreciated the prayers and the kindness of many of you in helping me feel that I am not alone, and that it is not my completely fault. It will take some time to figure out what we will do, but the (name removed by moderator)ut has given us much to consider.
Peace and blessings!

 

[mrsfrazier]

Well, whether YOU like it or not, a father has rights no matter how young or old he is. Period. It is MORALLY wrong to intentionally hide a baby from the father because you don’t want to be inconvenienced with having to deal with him. It’s just wrong. He does have a right to not only contest an adoption, but to have a say in who his child is adopted out to.

He has rights. Just as he has responsibilities if she decides to keep this child. You can’t take one and throw out the other.

I agree completely! It is child too, and the child has a right to know the father. I have several friends who grew p without knowing who their fathers are (due to the mother’s wishes) and it has devastated them.

 

[jasmine_n_july]

Ok, OP, Little MIss Know it All who’s probably never known anyone who is divorced in her life thinks “it’s morally wrong to hide the child”. Even if he’s a criminal or on drugs. (IDIOT)

Let your moral values comfort you when he takes custody away from your daughter, or prevents her from giving the baby up for adoption.

 

[rayne89]

You obviously have no experience with how badly things can go with an uncooperative man involved. Your ideas are very naive.

First of all, “joint mature decisions” between adults who are in an unwanted pregnancy situation are rare, let alone when there are two teenagers involved.

Second of all, you get this kid involved and start “discussing” what to do, and she decides that she wants to give the baby up for adoption, he can stop her from doing that and petition the court for sole custody He can also choose a different adoptive family.

Third, he could potentially take custody from this fifteen year old girl if the circumstances were right.

Fourth, I don’t know what kind of person this guy is, but what if he’s very irresponsible. If you think the courts are going to keep the child away from him because he’s irresponsible, you have another thing coming. You give up a huge amount of control when you get into a joint custody situation. She cannot move, she cannot make decisions alone, and 90% of the time there is conflict between the families. Why get into that siutation if the guy doesn’t even know he’s a father yet?

Fifth, if her daughter decides to get married someday, she very well may not be able to let her husband adopt the child.

Sixth, he’s 18 or 19. He has no money. He can’t pay very much child support to begin with.

Your pie in the sky ideas about “the father being involved” are dangerous.

Ok lets see. When I was in highschool my bestfriend got pregnant. She married the father at 17 (this was in 1989). I watched this baby grow up and she graduated highschool this year. My bestfriend went on to have two more children and is still married to the father.

My bestfriend’s daughter who just graduated also had a baby during her senior year. This baby (now 6 months) is my godchild. Her and the father have difficulties. They have broken up once but are now back together. She is mature enough to realize regardless of her feelings her daughter has the right to know her father, her paternal grandparents & extended family. That even if things don’t work out between them she always have to have some kind of relationship with the father and his family. They both created this child -the child belongs to both of them.

Everything you mentioned is well within the rights of father -rights the father should have. I don’t understand how you think the father should have less rights and less say than the mother. That it should be all about what is easiest for the mother not what is best for the child.

What if he’s not very irresponsible? What if he wants to be a part of his childs life? What if the paternal grandparents do? You are automatically making assumption to the negative. You already directed the grandmother to make it her first priorty to take away the father’s rights without even knowing the father’s side at all.

A sign of maturity is when people sacrifice their wants for what in the best interest of their child. In most cases cutting the biological father out of the child’s life is not in the best interest of the child (even if he’s less than perfect) unless there endangerment or abuse issues.

This isn’t about “pie in the sky”, it’s about what is right and just.

I have another friend whose teenage son who fathered a child. He and his family have retained a lawyer and are in a battle with the mother who denies him visitation with his infant daughter, something he desparately wants. He wants weekends and weeks during the summer, he wants some holidays with his daughter. Whether she likes it or not she has to share this child with the father. That’s what happens with out of wedlock births -you don’t get to do whatever you want.

 

[jasmine_n_july]

OP, don’t believe me. Talk to an experienced family lawyer. He or she will tell you what I am telling you because they see it everyday.

These people just have no idea what they are talking about, and have no ability to see the risk in this situation.

 

[SeekerJen]

Selfish? You have no idea what you are talking about. You are ignorant and naive.

Ok, OP, Little MIss Know it All who’s probably never known anyone who is divorced in her life thinks “it’s morally wrong to hide the child”. Even if he’s a criminal or on drugs. (IDIOT)

Jasmine, I know you’re new, and probably haven’t checked out the Forum Rules. Your above comments might be construed as breaking Conduct Rule #1: “Messages posted to this board must be polite and free of personal attacks, threats, and crude or sexually-explicit language, rude comments and innuendo.” I’ve been docked points for calling a celebrity (who will probably never read these boards, considering he’s a Scientologist) a mildly insulting non-obscene name- in fact, the insult in parentheses in your second quote- so yes, the mods do enforce these things strongly. Just a heads-up.

 

[jasmine_n_july]

Jasmine, I know you’re new, and probably haven’t checked out the Forum Rules. Your above comments might be construed as breaking Conduct Rule #1: “Messages posted to this board must be polite and free of personal attacks, threats, and crude or sexually-explicit language, rude comments and innuendo.” I’ve been docked points for calling a celebrity (who will probably never read these boards, considering he’s a Scientologist) a mildly insulting non-obscene name- in fact, the insult in parentheses in your second quote- so yes, the mods do enforce these things strongly. Just a heads-up.

OP, I’ve been there. Talk to a laywer. Don’t let people who have never been in your situation convince you that the sky is pink. They don’t have any experience with immature, potentially dangerous custody situations. Your grandchild deserves stability before anything else. Keep praying.

 

[rayne89]

Selfish? You have no idea what you are talking about. You are ignorant and naive. There are children who are kidnapped, who are abused, and who literally killed by fathers that the courts gave joint custody. Even if the father is not violent, he will have the ability to control where her daughter lives, he will have that baby on Christmas, he will have the ability to choose her daycare provider, the doctor, and he can continue to do all of that even if he doesn’t pay child support regularly.

I am neither ignorant nor naive. You are projecting you negative experiences on to every teen father that exists. How 'bout the crack addicted mother that hookers with her baby. The father has battled the courts for his child and even though he has custody she was recently restored unsupervised visitation. It goes both ways. You have no idea what my life experiences have been and you are making a lot of assumptions.

 

[Goth_Catholic]

Jeez, I take 20 minutes to do my homework and people are at each other’s throuts.

Jasmine,

You may think you know about this particular situation, but you do not. We are not saying you are wrong, but you cannot judge any situation on a whim based on past ones.

 

[Goth_Catholic]

OP, I’ve been there. Talk to a laywer. Don’t let people who have never been in your situation convince you that the sky is pink. They don’t have any experience with immature, potentially dangerous custody situations. Your grandchild deserves stability before anything else. Keep praying.

Well I dont have a lot of experience, as my friend miscarried before custody became an issue (we were both still 14almost 15), however the other posters have, and you have no right to assume they haven’t.