Premarital sex

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Englishguy1988

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Ok I don’t really know how to put this articulately so I’ll just blurt it out and try and explain as and when the need arises

I’m new to Catholicism, I’ve had premarital sex but I decided over a year ago to stop having sex until marriage (a long time before I decided I wanted god in my life) I hate the idea of casual sex and one night stands so I’ve obviously never done either (to be honest the idea of even kissing a woman I’m not in an exclusive relationship with makes me feel disgusted… Yes I know I’m weird!)

Basically my first girlfriend pressured me for it and as I wasn’t religious at the time I didn’t really have an argument as to why I didn’t want to but after 6 months of pressure I eventually caved in (I was young (18) and stupidly thought I was in love although looking back I realise I’ve never actually been in love just given into people I should of RUN from)… Then same sort of thing happened with second gf when I told her I wanted to take things slowly which ended up with the same sort of situations although I avoided it alot and was alot more stubborn and didn’t care if I caused arguments or not and eventually told her I’m not having sex again until I’m married

Anyway I know god forgives me for my past but I just find it so hard to forgive myself, I feel really used and I feel unbelievibly guilty almost constantly like I’ve let down whoever my future wife is… I mean how will she be able to fogive me if I can’t even forgive myself? How can I forgive myself for giving into pressure from someone who obviously didn’t care about me? I guess I’ll always feel bad about my past and I’ll have to live with that but why should my wife have to live with MY mistakes? However I guess in a way it helps me be alot stronger in waiting until I’m married because I will happily wave goodbye to any woman who doesn’t respect me or my choice to wait
 
I think if you explain to your future wife, as you and she are discerning marriage with one another, the circumstances surrounding your loss of virginity, just as you have explained here, she is likely to be understanding. There is a difference between what you have described and the unrepentant promiscuity that is so widespread these days. Also, be prepared that you may hear similar explanations from your wife-to-be. Sexual sins and indiscretions are a common problem for engaged Christian couples to work through.
 
I understand where you are coming from. My prayers are with you as you learn to cope and forgive yourself for past sins. God already has.
 
Keep feeling terrible about it til your wife forgives you…that’s what I’m gonna do…I feel you.

Paz
 
Englishguy1988 said:
Ok I don’t really know how to put this articulately so I’ll just blurt it out and try and explain as and when the need arises

I’m new to Catholicism, I’ve had premarital sex but I decided over a year ago to stop having sex until marriage (a long time before I decided I wanted god in my life) I hate the idea of casual sex and one night stands so I’ve obviously never done either (to be honest the idea of even kissing a woman I’m not in an exclusive relationship with makes me feel disgusted… Yes I know I’m weird!)

Basically my first girlfriend pressured me for it and as I wasn’t religious at the time I didn’t really have an argument as to why I didn’t want to but after 6 months of pressure I eventually caved in (I was young (18) and stupidly thought I was in love although looking back I realise I’ve never actually been in love just given into people I should of RUN from)… Then same sort of thing happened with second gf when I told her I wanted to take things slowly which ended up with the same sort of situations although I avoided it alot and was alot more stubborn and didn’t care if I caused arguments or not and eventually told her I’m not having sex again until I’m married

Anyway I know god forgives me for my past but I just find it so hard to forgive myself, I feel really used and I feel unbelievibly guilty almost constantly like I’ve let down whoever my future wife is… I mean how will she be able to fogive me if I can’t even forgive myself? How can I forgive myself for giving into pressure from someone who obviously didn’t care about me? I guess I’ll always feel bad about my past and I’ll have to live with that but why should my wife have to live with MY mistakes? However I guess in a way it helps me be alot stronger in waiting until I’m married because I will happily wave goodbye to any woman who doesn’t respect me or my choice to wait
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Sometimes we get shown things about life in unexpected ways. I was introduced to sex at a young age, and there was a time where I was in a place or places where it would not have been productive if I had the faith I have now. Remember that God Loves you and that mistake you made is like water under the bridge with the Boss upstairs. By acknowledging what happened and how you feel you have made major steps in part to your future wife. Sometimes our pasts are crosses we have to bear but we find more strength in rising out of those ashes. Plus now you know more about how waiting is WAY more beneficial and more fulfilling. I had sex in college which wasn’t to long ago but after that I realized something, and I felt god working in me. I haven’t looked at Sex the same way again and the way I look at it now is much more sacred and worth waiting for. To know that it isn’t to late and that you can pick up chastity is an amazing thing. If you haven’t read Theology of the Body. Catholics are far from Puritanical when it comes to Sex.You keep that hope in you, because it’s worth it no matter what happens, and you will only be a better husband for it.
 
Englishguy1988 said:
… I feel really used and I feel unbelievibly guilty almost constantly like I’ve let down whoever my future wife is… I mean how will she be able to fogive me if I can’t even forgive myself? How can I forgive myself for giving into pressure from someone who obviously didn’t care about me? I guess I’ll always feel bad about my past and I’ll have to live with that but why should my wife have to live with MY mistakes? However I guess in a way it helps me be a lot stronger in waiting until I’m married because I will happily wave goodbye to any woman who doesn’t respect me or my choice to wait
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The world is full of young Catholic women in the same boat. Pray for your future wife, that whether she has ever fallen or not, she may have an abundance of grace for advancing in all the Christian virtues, including chastity.
Gorillaman said:
Keep feeling terrible about it til your wife forgives you…that’s what I’m gonna do…I feel you.

Paz
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To clarify on “feeling terrible”: a profound sense gratitude and purpose of amendment is far superior to carrying around a sense of shame. The reason is that lasting shame says “this sin is what you are” or “this sin defines you”, rather than “this sin was not who you are, be thankful you are rescued from it and resolve to never again go near it”.

Taking your forgiveness for granted is a bad thing, but if you rehearse in your head that “this sin is who I am”, you are actually far more vulnerable to falling into sin again. Rather, practice gratitude for your deliverance and pray for the deliverance of others. That is what the Lord meant by “lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.” After all, there is a wonderful sense of contrition in the Lord’s Prayer, but no condemnation, and that prayer is the gold standard.
 
To be honest I don’t think my (future) wifes past would bother me after all when I marry someone I’m going to marry her because I love HER… warts and all… and I will love and accept her just the way she is after all isn’t that the meaning of true love… To love her AND her impurfections? That’s how I feel you should love your spouse… Unconditionally… Although obviously this might be hard to remember when you’re arguing but I think that as long as you try to love your spouse unconditionally (as best you can) then you can’t go far wrong
 
Easterjoy… I don’t think of it as “this sin is who I am” after all I decided against premarital sex over a year ago for non-religious reasons I know that’s not me… But I still feel guilty about what I have done in my past yet truly grateful that god loves me so much he can forgive me for something I am still struggling to cope with my guilt about

I will definately be praying for my future wife and asking god to help her either remain pure or give her the strenth to resist and say no if she is under pressure and i know that i haven’t even started dating her yet but whatever happens in her life I will always love her throughout our marriage and I will not hold her past against her
 
Englishguy1988 said:
Anyway I know god forgives me for my past but I just find it so hard to forgive myself, I feel really used and I feel unbelievibly guilty almost constantly like I’ve let down whoever my future wife is… I mean how will she be able to fogive me if I can’t even forgive myself? How can I forgive myself for giving into pressure from someone who obviously didn’t care about me? I guess I’ll always feel bad about my past and I’ll have to live with that but why should my wife have to live with MY mistakes? However I guess in a way it helps me be alot stronger in waiting until I’m married because I will happily wave goodbye to any woman who doesn’t respect me or my choice to wait
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Englishguy1988,

As a young woman comitted to saving sex for marriage, all I can say is that any woman would be extremely lucky to have you for a husband. I’m not kidding, if I hadn’t already met my Mr. Right, I would, just from your posts on this thread, consider you potential husband material. You will be able to find someone who will see past your mistakes and instead recognize the wonderful person that you are and so want to marry you, past mistakes and all, and love you with all of your imperfections, as you yourself so eloquently put it.
after all when I marry someone I’m going to marry her because I love HER… warts and all… and I will love and accept her just the way she is after all isn’t that the meaning of true love… To love her AND her impurfections?
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Don’t be discouraged and don’t feel guilty, we are all human and we all make mistakes. If a woman is not willing to look past the mistakes you have made in the past then she is not worth marrying.
 
Gotta be honest, as a young Catholic woman, a man who is willing to wait until my wedding night to have sex is a rare find. I think most Catholic women would agree with me that what is in a man’s past is forgivable if he is willing to behave appropriately in the current relationship.
 
Hi I would suggest that listening to Christopher west CD or reading his books.Look out at the Catholic book store or Church:thumbsup:👍
 
Thank you for the suggestion gpd1965 to be honest its NOT the waiting I find hard (not that its easy either I just value the true love of someone who will wait for me being loving kind caring and affectionate in an appropriate way before marriage than physical sensations with someone who may not be around the following day) although I will definately be looking into his articles etc as if it will contribute to helping me stay strong and resist what I know I don’t want in my life then it can’t hurt can it 😃

The thing I find hard is forgiving myself, its all very well saying you should forgive yourself but I don’t know how I would even begin to forgive myself for what I did even though it was a long time ago so any scripture that gives advice on forgiving yourself would be greatly appreciated if anyone has any

Oh and on a side note does anyone know what bible Catholics use in England as I was planning on getting my first ever bible today (currently read a little at a time online and as I did religious education in school I know a few passages of by heart as well as the lords prayer but it was a non-religious school so we didn’t really learn the bible I depth) but there were so many different ones I didn’t know which Catholics use and I want to get one ASAP thank you 🙂 🙂 🙂
 
Hopefully it will be easier if and when you finally convert. The sacrament of Reconciliation is a wonderful thing. It well and truly wipes the slate completely clean. The sin is gone. Done. Over. In the eyes of God you are as pure as you were at baptism, or perhaps even more perfect than you’ve ever been if you’ve not been baptized yet.

Do not worry that you have yet to go to Reconciliation in your faith journey and learn about culpability if it puts your heart and mind to rest. Know that you made a really big leap as an unbeliever and are achieving much in the way of perfecting virtue right now. You’re doing it the hard way given that you don’t have access to the sacraments so great job man!

Letting go of the past is incredibly difficult. Even with Reconciliation it’s tough. Sometimes it can be even tougher because the propensity to sin is not expunged along with the actual sin. Confessing the same sins over and over can be demoralizing without the right attitude and it took me a long time to get anywhere close to that attitude.

For a Bible, just get a Catholic edition. Any religious store should have one. Heck, regular bookstores know the difference between a Catholic Bible and a King James.
 
Good News, New American, New Revised Standard Version:Catholic Edition…

To name a few.
 
WingsOfEagles said:
Gotta be honest, as a young Catholic woman, a man who is willing to wait until my wedding night to have sex is a rare find.
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I don’t know where you live, but the vast majority of young Catholic men (et moi) are waiting until marriage. Frankly though, they don’t go around telling people in an obvious manner (i.e. it’s normally just hinted at).

-Byrnwiga
 
I guess it’s finding Catholic guys attending Mass where I live (just not an abundance around my age). I didn’t mean to imply that devout Catholic guys won’t wait, but more finding a devout Catholic.
 
WingsOfEagles said:
I guess it’s finding Catholic guys attending Mass where I live (just not an abundance around my age). I didn’t mean to imply that devout Catholic guys won’t wait, but more finding a devout Catholic.
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Indeed that is true; the ratio of young women to young men in my parish is 10:1. Alas, rather improbably it is the young women who are not the “waiting types”.

-Byrnwiga
 
That’s interesting. I always had the impression that most women would wait if they weren’t being pressured by the guy. Guess that’s an inaccurate stereotype sometimes…
 
Englishguy1988 said:
Ok I don’t really know how to put this articulately so I’ll just blurt it out and try and explain as and when the need arises

I’m new to Catholicism, I’ve had premarital sex but I decided over a year ago to stop having sex until marriage (a long time before I decided I wanted god in my life)** I hate the idea of casual sex and one night stands so I’ve obviously never done either (to be honest the idea of even kissing a woman I’m not in an exclusive relationship with makes me feel disgusted… Yes I know I’m weird!)**

Basically my first girlfriend pressured me for it and as I wasn’t religious at the time I didn’t really have an argument as to why I didn’t want to but after 6 months of pressure I eventually caved in (I was young (18) and stupidly thought I was in love although looking back I realise I’ve never actually been in love just given into people I should of RUN from)… Then same sort of thing happened with second gf when I told her I wanted to take things slowly which ended up with the same sort of situations although I avoided it alot and was alot more stubborn and didn’t care if I caused arguments or not and eventually told her I’m not having sex again until I’m married

Anyway I know god forgives me for my past but I just find it so hard to forgive myself, I feel really used and I feel unbelievibly guilty almost constantly like I’ve let down whoever my future wife is… I mean how will she be able to fogive me if I can’t even forgive myself? How can I forgive myself for giving into pressure from someone who obviously didn’t care about me? I guess I’ll always feel bad about my past and I’ll have to live with that but why should my wife have to live with MY mistakes? However I guess in a way it helps me be alot stronger in waiting until I’m married because I will happily wave goodbye to any woman who doesn’t respect me or my choice to wait
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No you are not weird, God just wrote some of his law into your heart.😉
Romans 2:13 14 For when the Gentiles, which have not the law, do by nature the things contained in the law, these, having not the law, are a law unto themselves: 15 Which shew the work of the law written in their hearts, their conscience also bearing witness, and their thoughts the mean while accusing or else excusing one another
 
I’m past the age where this is a living issue! But let me tell you, even though we men are encouraged to be as “outgoing” and women-chasing as possible, it’s a long-term negative to be sexually intimate with lots of women. Better by far to save it for someone important!

re: women. I’ve noticed in the past several years more women leering. They were a little more circumspect in the past.
 
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