Pretend to be catholic, or lose extended family?

[Listener]

Pretending to be Catholic is a bad idea. I would like to point out that anyone is welcome to go to a Catholic Mass, even if they are an atheist, as long as they don’t receive communion. As a grandmother, I can also tell you that it is a wonderful feeling to have my children and grandchildren at Mass with me. It’s also a good feeling to be able to have the congregation see what a great family I have.

My suggestion would be, then, to simply attend Mass with them once in awhile. You can do this while keeping your feelings about the Church to yourself. You can tell your children that since Mass means so much to Grandma and Grandpa, we will go to Mass with them once in awhile. Just tell the kids that there will be doughnuts after Mass. If there are no coffee and doughnuts after Mass, you can go to a doughnut shop or go out to breakfast.

If they ask when you’re going to convert, just change the subject. As far as RCIA goes, it would be wrong to fake the whole thing. However, it would not be wrong to go for a few sessions to get a better understanding about why Catholics believe what they believe.

 

[AClaire11]

Pretending to be Catholic is a bad idea. I would like to point out that anyone is welcome to go to a Catholic Mass, even if they are an atheist, as long as they don’t receive communion. As a grandmother, I can also tell you that it is a wonderful feeling to have my children and grandchildren at Mass with me. It’s also a good feeling to be able to have the congregation see what a great family I have.

My suggestion would be, then, to simply attend Mass with them once in awhile. You can do this while keeping your feelings about the Church to yourself. You can tell your children that since Mass means so much to Grandma and Grandpa, we will go to Mass with them once in awhile. Just tell the kids that there will be doughnuts after Mass. If there are no coffee and doughnuts after Mass, you can go to a doughnut shop or go out to breakfast.

If they ask when you’re going to convert, just change the subject. As far as RCIA goes, it would be wrong to fake the whole thing. However, it would not be wrong to go for a few sessions to get a better understanding about why Catholics believe what they believe.

I disagree that they should go to Mass to appease emotionally abusive family members. Especially setting the precedent that “we have to do this to make grandma and grandpa happy!” If they want to go to Mass to check it out or show the kids what other family members believe, then fine. It should not be about sucking up to hateful relatives.

 

[Della]

I disagree that they should go to Mass to appease emotionally abusive family members. Especially setting the precedent that “we have to do this to make grandma and grandpa happy!” If they want to go to Mass to check it out or show the kids what other family members believe, then fine. It should not be about sucking up to hateful relatives.

Indeed. In fact, considering how grandpa and grandma act outside of Mass, I wouldn’t want my kids to think that they exemplify the Catholic faith.

The OP has said they no longer live close to her in-laws, so really when would they go to Mass with them, anyway? Probably holidays like Christmas and Easter. And while attending Mass for those occasions would be perfectly fine, the battle they’d face afterwards over them converting wouldn’t be worth it–and would sour the experience for them.

If the OP’s family wants to experience Mass better they go to a parish near them on their own. If they want to tell their kids that this is how grandpa and grandma worship, that’d be fine, as well. But I agree that they shouldn’t go merely to satisfy relatives who act like intolerant bullies instead of like loving Christians.

 

[Listener]

Indeed. In fact, considering how grandpa and grandma act outside of Mass, I wouldn’t want my kids to think that they exemplify the Catholic faith.

The OP has said they no longer live close to her in-laws, so really when would they go to Mass with them, anyway? Probably holidays like Christmas and Easter. And while attending Mass for those occasions would be perfectly fine, the battle they’d face afterwards over them converting wouldn’t be worth it–and would sour the experience for them.

If the OP’s family wants to experience Mass better they go to a parish near them on their own. If they want to tell their kids that this is how grandpa and grandma worship, that’d be fine, as well. But I agree that they shouldn’t go merely to satisfy relatives who act like intolerant bullies instead of like loving Christians.

I disagree. If they only see these people once or twice a year, it wouldn’t hurt to join them at Mass, especially if they are house guests. This is preferable to the “pretend to be Catholic” thing that they were considering.

 

[Della]

I disagree. If they only see these people once or twice a year, it wouldn’t hurt to join them at Mass, especially if they are house guests. This is preferable to the “pretend to be Catholic” thing that they were considering.

If first a few boundaries are set so that by going to Mass on these occasions the in-laws don’t get the idea that they are making ground converting them–not that them becoming Catholic is not to be desired, of course, but it can’t be a condition of getting along with their in-laws, either. If going to Mass with the in-laws would create more problems than it would solve, then it might not be the best thing since it would most probably lead to more unpleasant scenes and driving this family even farther away from his mom and dad and the Church.

 

[philipl]

Hi,

I hope that my post is welcome here. I really need some advice about our situation with my husband’s Catholic family because I really don’t know what else to do. My husband grew up in a very conservative Catholic family and has left the church. I grew up Methodist. We’ve been married for 12 years and have 4 kids (ages 9,7,4,4). My husband has an extremely rocky relationship with his parents (mostly
due to his leaving the church), and that has greatly intensified since we married and had kids. When we first married (eloped on the beach) they were upset that we hadn’t married in a church and mentioned it a few times. However, they didn’t bring it up terribly often and our relationship with them was “ok” (not great, some tension, but no arguments). When we had our first baby and didn’t baptize him, the whole relationship completely blew up. His parents were upset (and we did and still do understand why) and behaved very poorly hurling insults, threats, and calling my husband names. Despite this, we continued trying to keep a relationship with them and I sent frequent baby photos, videos, texts etc to keep them updated. His dad distanced himself from us (in his own words) and didn’t meet our son until he was 6 months old (despite them living only 2hrs away from us at the time). Honestly, I thought their anger would eventually “blow over”. 9 years later- it hasn’t- and I just don’t know what to do about them anymore. The relationship has gradually deteriorated over the years, and at this point, we are nearly estranged. We moved cross-country three years ago for my husband’s job, and that does not help. It has been a cycle of: (1) we see them, ignore these issues, and have a nice visit and then (2) shortly after, they call (or often, write a letter) to lecture, criticize, bring up these issues again. They call my husband selfish & materialistic, say he doesn’t care about the family, guilt him about how much he is hurting them, say they feel they have failed as parents etc. Every time this happens, my husband gets angrier and pulls away further. They don’t talk for awhile, and then his parents (his mom, usually) will suddenly start acting very nice and as if nothing ever happened. They tentatively “make up” for awhile- until the next time. Then the cycle repeats, with the relationship getting worse and worse each time and them going longer and longer without talking. Right now, we haven’t seen them in about 2.5 years. He calls them on special occasions but that is all. This has also severely damaged his relationship with his (5) siblings. A few are as religious as his parents are, the rest more of the “casual catholic” variety (do sacraments, rarely attend mass). They are all very angry that he/we are upsetting his parents so much by not Brin Catholic. They want us to put his parents’ minds at ease and do not seem to care what we believe- they just want us to end his parents’ pain, however we need to do it. His mom frequently cries to them about the poor relationship and barely knowing her grandchildren- this makes his brother and sister feel terrible and very angry wih is so they have also distanced themselves . Our children barely know any of my husband’s family members and my husband is so hurt by all of this. At this point, I honeslty can’t stand my Inlaws. have tried and tried over the years to reach out, send photos and videos of our kids, send gifts, etc. I have finally given up as it doesn’t seem to help matters (and actually occasionally makes things worse). That said, my husband is so badly hurt and I feel sorry that my kids barely know their Dad’s side of the family. I am beginning to wonder if it would better to just…pretend? Pretend we’ve had a revelation and get remarried in the church the way they want, get the kids their baptisms, communion? Etc? We would just explain that we don’t believe, but we are doing it to preserve relations with dad’s family? I’ might be able to convince my husband to go along wih this, if i make all arramgements, drive the kids to any needed classes etc. I am not sure how he would ok it, but maybe??? And I KNOW how this sounds-- it would be blatant lying, asking our kids to lie too, disrespectful of the Church. Believe me, I know! And I am not trying to offend anyone here. I have tried being respectful of the church, and being honest, but at this point it is either (1) lie- which would probably improve relations with my inlaws a great deal! They would probably stop putting my husband down, etc and my kids would have an extended family or (2) leave things as they are. Thi situation will never get better if we don’t do this- only worse. If we do what they want, things are likely to improve a great deal- I want to see my husband happy and for them to treat him like he wonderful person he is. And it would put my inlaws out of their misery (hopefully). So, Catholic Answers, what would you do if you were me (IF I can convince my husband to go along)??? Lie to the church to fix family relations? Something else? I just don’t what else to do.

So far you have said everything they have done wrong? But havent really explained why husband left the church? Are you both Atheist? Does the family have a different faith now?

 

[Allegra]

Pretending to be Catholic is a bad idea. I would like to point out that anyone is welcome to go to a Catholic Mass, even if they are an atheist, as long as they don’t receive communion. As a grandmother, I can also tell you that it is a wonderful feeling to have my children and grandchildren at Mass with me. It’s also a good feeling to be able to have the congregation see what a great family I have.

My suggestion would be, then, to simply attend Mass with them once in awhile. You can do this while keeping your feelings about the Church to yourself. You can tell your children that since Mass means so much to Grandma and Grandpa, we will go to Mass with them once in awhile. Just tell the kids that there will be doughnuts after Mass. If there are no coffee and doughnuts after Mass, you can go to a doughnut shop or go out to breakfast.

If they ask when you’re going to convert, just change the subject. As far as RCIA goes, it would be wrong to fake the whole thing. However, it would not be wrong to go for a few sessions to get a better understanding about why Catholics believe what they believe.

This would be okay advice if the parents were merely deeply concerned and not abusive.

 

[Anglewannabe]

As a grandmother, I can also tell you that it is a wonderful feeling to have my children and grandchildren at Mass with me. It’s also a good feeling to be able to have the congregation see what a great family I have..

I thought the reason to go to mass was to love and serve the Lord Jesus Christ. But to go and show off family !!! I can’t help but think it makes your grandchildren hood ornaments

 

[AClaire11]

I thought the reason to go to mass was to love and serve the Lord Jesus Christ. But to go and show off family !!! I can’t help but think it makes your grandchildren hood ornaments

My thoughts, as well. My FIL acts like this about us and our baby and it’s so uncomfortable and a big reason why I never want to go to his parish.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

I’d suggest that you ask their pastor to mediate the situation.

This is a good idea.

Something to consider though - the behavior you describe indicates a lack of respect for your son’s autonomy, or an inability to handle it. So even if you were to actually become Catholic, this pattern of interaction would likely continue. After all, there are ALWAYS differences in opinion and approach to many things, and whatever has led to this type of behavior on the topic of religion, will lead to the same behavior in other situations. For the sake of your kids, you may still need to keep your distance and work on setting and holding boundaries.

For the record, the behavior you are describing is in strong opposition to the behavior that a religious Catholic ought to be exhibiting. Being loving, respecting the dignity of all people, appreciating the truth - these are all attitudes and behaviors that you SHOULD be seeing from religious Catholics. So if a religious person is expecting you to be dishonest, or is being unkind or disrespectful, they are doing it because of personality and character flaws, NOT because they are religious (although they might try to make that excuse). I am “very religious” and have LOTS of differences (religion, politics, child-rearing appraches, etc…) with my siblings who have left the faith. I couldn’t imagine expecting them to fake religion, and I couldn’t imagine shunning them simply because we are different. It is really sad to hear about religious people causing discord and turmoil for others. If you ever do take an interest in the Catholic faith, please look to other people than your husband’s family for examples of it.

 

[SuperHappy]

I would just simply pull back from these people. They may have the best of intentions toward your family but their manner of expression is horrible and it is not a model of the love of Christ.

If possible, even though you don’t want to join the church, you should talk to a priest about the situation.

Most any solution is better than pretending and putting your children through all of that lying. What would that teach your children? That lying is ok if it gets you out of a tough spot? Not what I would want to teach my children…This is plainly a terrible idea!

 

[Listener]

I thought the reason to go to mass was to love and serve the Lord Jesus Christ. But to go and show off family !!! I can’t help but think it makes your grandchildren hood ornaments

People who aren’t grandparents just don’t get it. Try to imagine this - your kids and grandkids have been staying at your house for a week. You tried to raise your kids right. You have been working and slaving all week, cooking meal after meal. You would like to use your washing machine, but they have taken it over with their laundry. You have provided countless hours of free child care. Now it’s Sunday (or maybe even Christmas), and it’s time to go to church. You really hope they’ll join you, but they refuse to go. To my way of thinking, this is very rude! They have been pampered for an entire week, and they can’t do one little thing to please their parents/grandparents!

The idea of doing something you don’t want to do, out of respect for your elders, was a concept that I grew up with. These days, people only want to please themselves.

 

[Lou2U]

People who aren’t grandparents just don’t get it. Try to imagine this - your kids and grandkids have been staying at your house for a week. You tried to raise your kids right. You have been working and slaving all week, cooking meal after meal. You would like to use your washing machine, but they have taken it over with their laundry. You have provided countless hours of free child care. Now it’s Sunday (or maybe even Christmas), and it’s time to go to church. You really hope they’ll join you, but they refuse to go. To my way of thinking, this is very rude! They have been pampered for an entire week, and they can’t do one little thing to please their parents/grandparents!

The idea of doing something you don’t want to do, out of respect for your elders, was a concept that I grew up with. These days, people only want to please themselves.

Where has the OP stated she has done any of the above? The OP’s in laws are being verbally abusive to her and her family. The OP should not pretend to be Catholic, and quite frankly, they shouldn’t give their in laws false hope. The best way to deal with toxic relations is to pull away from them, not give in to what they want to put up with more abuse.

Lou

 

[AClaire11]

People who aren’t grandparents just don’t get it. Try to imagine this - your kids and grandkids have been staying at your house for a week. You tried to raise your kids right. You have been working and slaving all week, cooking meal after meal. You would like to use your washing machine, but they have taken it over with their laundry. You have provided countless hours of free child care. Now it’s Sunday (or maybe even Christmas), and it’s time to go to church. You really hope they’ll join you, but they refuse to go. To my way of thinking, this is very rude! They have been pampered for an entire week, and they can’t do one little thing to please their parents/grandparents!

The idea of doing something you don’t want to do, out of respect for your elders, was a concept that I grew up with. These days, people only want to please themselves.

Going to church is about pleasing God, not your parents or grandparents or any relative. My FIL continued to harangue my husband about church as an adult and forced us all to go when we visited (I was not practicing at the time and DH is still not) and believe me, it had the opposite effect of what he wanted. People need to come to God and the Church on their own, following the urging of the Holy Spirit. Pushing people to become a certain religion only drives them away and makes them resentful.

 

[AClaire11]

Where has the OP stated she has done any of the above? The OP’s in laws are being verbally abusive to her and her family. The OP should not pretend to be Catholic, and quite frankly, they shouldn’t give their in laws false hope. The best way to deal with toxic relations is to pull away from them, not give in to what they want to put up with more abuse.

Lou

 

[ShrodingersCat]

Do not pretend. Let me repeat: Do not pretend.

Be patient, be kind and try to understand but pretending to believe something when it is a lie is never a good thing. In the end it will cause a great deal more harm to you, your families and your children.

The basic rule is this: The ends do not justify the means.

However, it would not hurt to take Catholicism seriously and try to understand the Churches teachings.

It will be hard for you to separate your negative feelings because of what you are now going through but recognize that there may be more to Catholicism than meets the eye.

I agree with this and would like to add my sympathies; your husband’s family are not behaving as Catholics should.

 

[CatholicRaven]

I agree with the majority here. Lying is a bad idea, and likely would be only a short-term solution anyway, since the main issue seems to be their lack of respect and attempts to control their adult son’s life. Also, I think distancing yourself from relatives who behave poorly is fine, and sometimes necessary. Especially for your children’s sake.

Remember, when they contact you later and begin criticizing, you and your husband are not obligated to continue that conversation or listen to their opinions.

If they send a letter, I would suggest that as soon as you reach a line that is disrespectful or brings up the issues again, quit reading and toss it in the trash (unless you feel you can respond with your own appropriate letter). Or don’t open it at all, just mark it “return to sender” and mail it back. If they ask about it, you can tell them that you’re not going to read any more negative lectures or criticisms.

When they call, I’d end the conversation before they start in on those issues. For instance, as soon as MIL says something like, “You really need to get those kids baptized,” you (or he, if he’s the one on the phone) could calmly say, “We’re aware of how you feel, but this is OUR family, and we’re not going to discuss it with you any more. Thank you for calling (or, ‘thanks for the visit’). We’ll talk to you again soon.” Then hang up. If they don’t get the hint the first time or two, or are verbally abusive, you might even shorten it to, “If you cannot be respectful right now, I am going to hang up.” And you have to do what you say. You may have to do this a few (or many) times before they realize you mean it.

If/when they can have a conversation without lecturing or criticizing, sure, talk with them, but I would suggest as soon as they start in, don’t argue, don’t give reasons or details, don’t raise your voice, and don’t let them think you’re going to sit there and listen, because that gives merit to their lecture. Make it clear that disrespect for you or your husband means the end of the conversation, even if they won’t shut up and you have to hang up while they’re in the middle of a sentence. Try not to convey anger, just dignity. They are worthy of respect, but so are you!

Will for you.

 

[MomaMary8]

I agree with the rest, do not pretend!

I think you are trying to fix something that is your husband’s duty and responsibility to fix. I used to think my in-law problems were all on my in-laws, now that I’ve been married for 25 years, I see that my husband is just like his family. My husband is repeating and feeding into the only behavior pattern he knows. If you want a normal, healthy relationship with your in-laws, your husband will have to fix things.

 

[MarkInOregon]

Going to church is about pleasing God, not your parents or grandparents or any relative. My FIL continued to harangue my husband about church as an adult and forced us all to go when we visited (I was not practicing at the time and DH is still not) and believe me, it had the opposite effect of what he wanted. People need to come to God and the Church on their own, following the urging of the Holy Spirit. Pushing people to become a certain religion only drives them away and makes them resentful.

But we do things for people that we love even when we don’t want to do them. Jesus did not want to be crucified but he did it for us out of love. I couldn’t imagine visiting my parents and not going to Mass with them if I knew it was important to them–they wouldn’t need to attempt to force me to go–though they would never attempt to force me. We do things we don’t want to because we love. None of my siblings are practicing but they come to my children’s baptisms, first communion, etc.–not because they want to but because they love me and my children (well maybe not me but certainly my wife and children). I would never attempt to force them to come or guilt them into it (indeed I have one sibling who does not come and it does not come up between us and I do not let it upset me or hurt my feelings–it would do no good and I would find no peace if I let it–all I can do is love my sibling regardless and desire whats best for her).

We need to get the focus off of our needs, wants and desires and on to the needs of others. We need to be the best we can be and not worry about the shortcomings of others and on how they do not meet our needs or expectations. We need to attempt to make sure that our behavior does not aggravate any particular situation or relationship. All this is much easier said than done–especially in the dynamic of family relationships.

The OP is in a difficult situation and her in-laws have handled things rather badly, but pretending to be Catholic would not be a good idea. From the OP there is simply a lot we don’t know. Did the OP’s husband ever sit down or attempt to sit down with his parents and explain why he was leaving the Church? Did he attempt to explain to them that he wasn’t repudiating them or the way they raised him? (Or was he?) Did he respect his parents before all of this–and did he ever communicate that to them. Did he let them know it was not his intention to hurt them but for whatever reason he couldn’t remain in the Church? Did he attempt to soften the blow of leaving the faith–he had to know if would hurt them? Or did he just leave the Church, elope and think he wasn’t going to hurt his parents (or did he not care) and they’d simply get over his rejection of their life, their values and their upbringing of him? We simply don’t know all the background here. Of course one would have hoped that his parents would have taken more of the stance of the father in the story of the prodigal son–seems like a better approach to me, but there is a lot of back story here that we just don’t know–though I don’t think any of it would justify much of the behavior reported by the OP–behavior that, seems to me, counterproductive to what they would have liked to see happen. Contrary to exhibiting a peace and joy–given to them by their faith and something we all desire–they have apparently exhibited the exact opposite–one would have hoped that they would simply have done as Saint Monica did and prayed for their son, his wife, and their children while living our their faith in service to others. Hopefully all here will pray for them all–that they may find healing and reconciliation and peace and joy.

The peace of Christ,
Mark

 

[AClaire11]

Well, maybe it’s just me and my little quirks, but I find it nearly intolerable to be forced to sit through an hour of something I vehemently disagree with.