Problems with high schooler

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Bananas

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I’ve posted here about my two younger daughters, and I really do appreciate the advice, even though much of it is difficult to hear. My eldest daughter is 14 and going in to high school. She often has a sad, sullen expression on her face and is in a “daze” all the time. She fidgets, twirls her hair, and picks at her hands. She has talked very often about her soccer coach - a woman in her mid forties who coaches the team. She frequently makes gifts for the coach and stays after practice to talk with her.

My husband and I recently took her to our favorite restaurant for a formal dinner and outing. She had a sad, sullen expression the entire time and eventually she spoke to us disrespectfully. We told her that this was no way to speak to one’s parents and that we were disappointed by her sullen attitude. We pointed out to her that her father had to work very hard to pay for this outing, and the least she could do was act like she was having a good time. We also pointed out to her that we have sacrificed so much for her so she could have a good life and nice things and that many other children would love to be in her shoes, and here she was being completely ungrateful.

We also asked her why she is so attached to her soccer coach? What exactly has the coach done for her that we haven’t? Does she think the coach is a better person than us? Would she prefer to live with the coach instead of us? We pointed out that she sees only a bit of the coach’s life and if she did indeed live with her she would soon see that the coach isn’t perfect. We also told her the Bible says to honor your father and mother, but it doesn’t say honor your soccer coach! She is breaking the 4th Commandment!

We also asked why she is always acting nervous - twirling her hair and picking her hands? We explained that none of this behavior was normal. After all we’ve sacrificed to give her a good life, and she is miserable!

She doesn’t like anything my husband and I like. We told her that most of the time, children turn out like their parents, but she is not like us at all!

I am so disappointed and I just don’t understand. I am at a total loss. Please help.
 
Bananas said:
She often has a sad, sullen expression on her face and is in a “daze” all the time.
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That describes me also!

More seriously, do you remember what it was like to be 14 years old? It can be rough. I doubt that lectures about acting happy are a good idea. Have you asked a physician or counselor if they see medical issues? Have you talked to the soccer coach?
 
Bananas said:
We told her that most of the time, children turn out like their parents, but she is not like us at all!
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Wherever on Earth did you hear that? That generalization doesn’t hold water.
Bananas said:
We also asked why she is always acting nervous - twirling her hair and picking her hands? We explained that none of this behavior was normal. After all we’ve sacrificed to give her a good life, and she is miserable!
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Make an appointment for her to see a Pediatric Psychologist.
 
Sounds like you’re raising a teenager.

I’m honestly confused about so much. Why would you bring up living with the coach? Is your daughter “appearing” to have a good time that much more important than her having a good time?

It honestly sounds like you’re constantly telling her she’s a freak when she’s acting like what most kids act like. If you’re able to perhaps have a chat with your parents and ask what you were like at her age. Perhaps you really were all smiles and the perfect mirror of your parents, but you might be surprised at their interpretation.
 
Maybe her soccer coach is the type of person that is uplifting and supportive. Perhaps she does not guilt trip her players about things they should be thankful for, like how much time she spends coaching them, or how thankful they should be to her for caring about the team.

Don’t get me wrong, children should be thankful and appreciative, but not be beaten over the head with the idea that they are failing to be that way.

Honestly, in looking at all of your threads collectively, the problem is not with your children, it is in your handling and expectations of them.

Seriously, your daughter is sullen and instead of really trying to figure out why, you assail her with complaints of what an ingrate she is?

I would again suggest counseling. First, for you and your husband and then as a family, because what you are doing is not working. Please get help so your family can be happy.
 
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Bananas said:
I am so disappointed and I just don’t understand. I am at a total loss. Please help.
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Your daughter sounds like a normal teenager. It’s good that she gets along so well with her soccer coach.

Tell her that you are proud of her and that you love her no matter what she does. Quit telling her that you’re disappointed in her and that you think she’s ungrateful for your sacrifices.
 
Irishmom2 said:
I would again suggest counseling. First, for you and your husband and then as a family, because what you are doing is not working. Please get help so your family can be happy.
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Agreed. There needs to be an independent assessment of what’s going on here.
 
OP, the stories you post about your kids continue to be odd, not in the way your kids behave - they sound very normal - but in the way that you and your husband seem to react to them.

From what you’re posting here, you have a 14-year-old who acts like a pretty normal 14-year-old, yet you and your husband are carrying on like this is alien behavior from outer space.

I really think you need some professional help to learn how to be a parent, or to otherwise get to the bottom of what is going on in your family.
 
Have you actually tried asking her WHY she acts the way she does? She’s 14: she’s past the age of reason and capable of forming coherent sentences. You are treating your kids like bugs under a microscope to be studied or products you’re mad about because they don’t work as seen on TV. They are PEOPLE. To know a person, they have to left you into their world, which they cannot do if you don’t even bother to ask.

And about the coach, she probably gravitates towards her like the mother figure she’s never had. Coaches, teachers, and other mentors tend to fill in the gaps left by parents. And that’s a good thing. The coach probably actually LISTENS to your daughter. I suggest you start doing the same.

EDIT: Also, seeing problems with all three of your kids instead of just one or two is a pretty good hint that the problem may just be with you or your husband.
 
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Dan123 said:
Why would you bring up living with the coach?
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She seems to have more interest in the coach than in her father and me. We don’t understand why, since we are her parents and the coach is not her parent. She talks about the coach a lot at home and is frequently making gifts to give to her. She gets angry with my husband and me when we have arguments and generally when we don’t behave in the way she expects. We told her that if she lived with the coach she would see that the coach isn’t perfect either.
 
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Let me tell you the story about Liverpool with Manager Jurgen Klopp… Liverpool’s last trophy win was English Football League Cup 2012 & then in 2015, we hired him to take over the team.

Fast forwarding to today in two weeks…

UEFA Champions League Final 2018
Real Madrid vs Liverpool

Guess what he said from the first day with Liverpool?

“The message to those Liverpool supporters…we have to change from doubters to believers. Now!”

Don’t be a doubter… it’s not worth your time & energy.
 
redbetta said:
And about the coach, she probably gravitates towards her like the mother figure she’s never had. Coaches, teachers, and other mentors tend to fill in the gaps left by parents. And that’s a good thing. The coach probably actually LISTENS to your daughter. I suggest you start doing the same.
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How has she never had a mother figure? I am her mother! This is exactly what my husband and I are angry about. She acts like the coach is the greatest person in the world and her father and I are chopped liver, when we are the ones who raised her!

My daughter will not confide in me. I ask her to share her feelings but she doesn’t! It’s like pulling teeth to get her to tell me anything!
 
She probably feels like she can’t open up to you. Like, whatever she says, you will roast her for it instead of understand and use that information constructively. And, looking at all your posts, I can understand why. Work on making your kids comfortable around you. Don’t put unnecessary pressure on them to be perfect. And don’t get mad when they don’t act as expected or if the apple falls far from the tree. Human beings are like that and it is not necessarily bad.
 
This may sound harsh, but:

OP, you should get yourself and your husband to see a counsellor pronto. You need to manage your expectations of your children and it is YOU with the issues, not them.

Yet again, you prioritise material goods above all else. Yet again, you have planned a life for your child and now are angry they aren’t following it. Yet again you are creating an issue where there isn’t one.

Your daughter sounds like a normal teenager. You sound as though you are unable to cope with what are perfectly normal developments for a teenager, so you need to get some help.
Bananas said:
She gets angry with my husband and me when we have arguments and generally when we don’t behave in the way she expects.
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She sounds exactly like you.
 
I think I’d start with building a stronger relationship with your husband. Arguments between you and him should be extremely rare and not in front of the children.

Secondly, I don’t agree with the people who think it’s normal to be sullen. We as a people can do so much better than that and have happy children. Homeschooling might be a good option. But I think it could also help if your husband and you could spend some time just talking and having fun taking your daughter on outings, and participating in hobbies.

Also be careful not to take on her moods. She can be a sourpuss. You can be the sun in the family creating humor and joy.

Limit her time on electronic gadgets.
 
Bananas I am going to share some very valuable advice with you and your husband.

This advice is from the superior of my order. A very Holy man. I was discussing a cancer patient in my family with him
He said

Less words

More love.

It works a treat.

So with your 3 children, less words, more love

And really crucial
Start listening. Stop talking, threatening, cajoling, putting them down, micro managing

Just start listening.

It’s not going to change overnight. You and hubby have to change your behaviours, these aren’t little dolls, they are human beings, all individual and different.

So to recap

Less words, more love

Listen
 
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