Problems with high schooler

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Bananas said:
We also asked her why she is so attached to her soccer coach? What exactly has the coach done for her that we haven’t? Does she think the coach is a better person than us? Would she prefer to live with the coach instead of us? We pointed out that she sees only a bit of the coach’s life and if she did indeed live with her she would soon see that the coach isn’t perfect. We also told her the Bible says to honor your father and mother, but it doesn’t say honor your soccer coach! She is breaking the 4th Commandment!
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Full stop. You dropped a huge, heavy stone of accusations on your daughter´s head. It´s normal to have role models in this age you can also love and have a crush for outside family. I had such a person at university, with 20!
And, with all respect, in your last posts you never got what the posters told you - that you behaved cruel and overly strict with your children. What is the purpose of another post then? If you don´t stop pressuring your daughters that much, you shouldn´t be surprised when they start rebelling in a very unhealthy way.
 
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Bananas said:
> And about the coach, she probably gravitates towards her like the mother figure she’s never had. Coaches, teachers, and other mentors tend to fill in the gaps left by parents. And that’s a good thing. The coach probably actually LISTENS to your daughter. I suggest you start doing the same.

How has she never had a mother figure? I am her mother! This is exactly what my husband and I are angry about. She acts like the coach is the greatest person in the world and her father and I are chopped liver, when we are the ones who raised her!
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You don´t behave like a mother. A mother isn´t angry for a daughter who admires other people. This reaction of you should be take to a family counselor, not a publc forum.
 
Perhaps you can find someone who can assist you in the topic of the changing behaviors of children as they grow and go through developmental stages.

There are times when a parent needs to discern what is typical behavior in thier own child and in the relationships they have with others and how the parental role and influence can be used to positively affect how a child responds. All of God’s children have unique qualities.

There are training programs in the diocese, and parent retreats which help parents reflect daily the virtues and love of The Holy Family to thier children.

As for the soccer coach, have you or your husband attended any Virtus training? This helps a parent to seperate and to teach a child what is appropriate behavior and to ensure a safe enviornment for all involved.

Praying for you and your family. You can ask your priest or diocese for access to these resources.
 
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I do love how your very concerned about your daughter.
Keep that guardian angel sweetness going !
Don’t be envious / jealous over the coach - lol - that’s falling into her trap.

And point out - that she’s - judging you - whenever you can !
You don’t want her to keep growing in that direction of judging hapless adults. 😛
Remind her of the one commandment, from God, about parents…number 5 ?

I hope church is mandatory - for her.
Have a Mary statue - on the kitchen table, if possible,
so she can see it -
A container of Holy water -
Bless her room with it when she’s not around !
Etc
 
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I’m going to share some personal experience.

My mother would ask me to open up to her about my feelings, friends, what was going on in my life, etc. When I did, she would discount my feelings, dismiss my concerns, and sometimes even get angry and have disproportionate reactions to what I said. I eventually withdrew from her and told her practically nothing. She would then get angry with me for not telling her anything, saying “Why can’t you be like all the other kids who tell their parents things?!” I felt like I was crazy, unworthy, not a good daughter, etc. for not wanting to confide in my own mother. I had many self esteem issues growing up.

My mother was also concerned about her appearances to other people. For instance, in high school, I forgot to bring in some sort of permission slip and she made a big deal about making certain I told the teacher it was me who forgot the paper — not my mother — lest the teacher think my mother was an irresponsible parent. When I did tell the teacher, she just gave me the “deer in the headlights” look, like “Uh, okay, so what??” Back at home, my mother interrogated me about what I had told the teacher:

Mother: “Did you tell your teacher it was you who forgot the paper?”

Me: “Yes.”

Mother: “Okay, just to be sure, your teacher knows it was you who forgot the the paper?”

Me (feeling very ashamed): “Yes.”

Mother: “Okay, good.”

This is one example of many things, and I absolutely sought affirmation elsewhere — from teachers, coaches, and mentors in school and at church. I became very clingy with adults who showed the slightest affection or appreciation toward me.

My mother and I have come a long way, even becoming close in my adult life. But it took me years of therapy and medication to overcome depression, anxiety, poor self-image, and just the general underlying notion that I am a bad person who doesn’t like or appreciate her mother who has done nothing but love her. I mean, only a terrible person wouldn’t like their own mother, right? I now realize that she was the one in the wrong all those years, not showing unconditional love and worrying more about what others thought of her than what was best for her child. And even though she and I are close now, I still recognize toxic elements of her personality and have still had to set boundaries in order to preserve my own mental health and wellbeing.
 
OP, I know you have good intentions, but the message is getting mixed up with your daughter. She’ll have her teenage moods, but it’s up to the parents to be the “constant” in their lives – constant source of love, safety, appreciation, inclusion, acceptance.

Treat her as if you aren’t fazed by her moods and want happy moments with the whole family.

Show her how you love and accept her NO MATTER WHAT.

Be her secure place to go to; where she runs for UNCONDITIONAL love and acceptance.

Pray, offer sacrifices, and FAST for your daughter. It’s the most efficacious act you can do for her soul.
 
You’ve received a lot of good advice and some slightly harsh advice in this thread, Bananas. I’m going to say something different, though, and I say it out of concern for you and your family.

Have you considered whether you have a psychological condition that interferes with empathy? The feelings you express about your daughter are all normal, but it’s normal for you to express them to other adults, not to her. (At least, you would express them to her rarely). It’s not normal and healthy for parents to constantly be communicating expectations – especially emotional expectations – to their teenage children. And maybe I’m seeing things innaccurately here, but it seems to me that 75%+ of your relationship with your daughter is just telling her how she should behave.

Personally, that sounds to me to be an indication of your own personal psychological state. It’s the type of thing that a person with very mild autism might do, or perhaps something that could arise out of an intense social anxiety. Feel free to disregard what I’m saying, since I’m no doctor. But out of love for your family, you may want to look into help for yourself.
 
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Bananas said:
She seems to have more interest in the coach than in her father and me. We don’t understand why, since we are her parents and the coach is not her parent. She talks about the coach a lot at home and is frequently making gifts to give to her. She gets angry with my husband and me when we have arguments and generally when we don’t behave in the way she expects. We told her that if she lived with the coach she would see that the coach isn’t perfect either.
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I am going to be very blunt here. Your daughter, it seems, likes the coach better than her mom and dad. Can you blame her?

Please don’t have any more children until you can learn a few things. It isn’t fair to the kids you bring into this emotional chaos. To be a good parent, you need to invest a little time in learning how to relate to kids. Unfortunatley, the clock is running out on your 14 year old.

You speak about your children as if they are dolls that you want to put up on the shelf as soon as they get an idea of their own or decide not to comply with your impression of what a kid should be.

As for you and your husband, please get some help instead of posting here. If you haven’t gotten the same message I am giving you here, by reading through the other threads you created, then there is something far too wrong that nobody here on the internet can help you correct.
 
Bananas Happy Mothers Day. You did a great thing bringing three children into the world. You should be congratulated for that.
Let me tell you a little about my childhood. I was smart and I did not have to work hard to get good grades. I did not do as well as I could have. When I got 4 As and 2 Bs, my best report card until then my dad said now work on the Bs. I was crushed and my effort level went way down.
I still did well enough on standardized tests to get into a good college and get a scholarship. Why? Because my grandmother,a teacher encouraged me to learn the things I was interested in.
 
If you raised her anything like the way you’re raising your other kids,it’s surprising that she’s as normal as she is! You are the one acting like a jealous teenager. Be glad she has the coach to talk to!
 
Let’s not beat up on Bananas too much. Teenagers can be awful.
 
When they are difficult that’s when a parent needs to be as steady as possible,recognise it’s a stage .
 
Bananas said:
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redbetta:
And about the coach, she probably gravitates towards her like the mother figure she’s never had. Coaches, teachers, and other mentors tend to fill in the gaps left by parents. And that’s a good thing. The coach probably actually LISTENS to your daughter. I suggest you start doing the same.
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How has she never had a mother figure? I am her mother! This is exactly what my husband and I are angry about. She acts like the coach is the greatest person in the world and her father and I are chopped liver, when we are the ones who raised her!

My daughter will not confide in me. I ask her to share her feelings but she doesn’t! It’s like pulling teeth to get her to tell me anything!
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I wouldn’t have much love for anyone who told me that I was breaking commandments because I was loving and trusting another adult. Which, by the way, you are wrong. The 4th commandment implores us to not only obey our Mother and Father but ALL who are put in authority over us. This includes her coach.

Allowing your children to form strong bonds to adults other than yourself is part of parenting. I would be so worried if any of my children only loved my husband and I. As humans we naturally NEED to bond to many people…it’s a support network.
Bananas said:
We also asked why she is always acting nervous - twirling her hair and picking her hands? We explained that none of this behavior was normal. After all we’ve sacrificed to give her a good life, and she is miserable!
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Actually, you’re wrong. Everyone does things when they are nervous or stressed. You do too, but you probably don’t realize it. If she’s doing it to the point of bleeding, that’s another story because it’s psychological–and it is hideously cruel for you to suggest that it’s somehow being ungrateful. Your husband is a doctor…he should be trained in identifying psychological disorders in the very least, even if he cannot diagnose.
Bananas said:
My husband and I recently took her to our favorite restaurant for a formal dinner and outing. She had a sad, sullen expression the entire time and eventually she spoke to us disrespectfully.
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Being sad and sullen is part and parcel of being 14. Disrespet shouldn’t be allowed, but I can see why she was so miserable, being chided and told she was a horrible sinner. How would you feel if people who you were trying to love sat there and told you how bad you were? Would you really force a smile and say “thanks?”
 
You’ve already received some wonderful advice.

I’d also point out that unless the coach raises any intuitive red flags, be grateful that your daughter has a positive adult role model in her life.

I’ll grant that I’m not yet into the throes of the teen years with my children yet. But one important skill that I’m struggling to master as a parent is to take my children’s behavior seriously but not personally.

So when my 5-year-old screams, “You’re the worst mother ever!!!” of course it’s disrespectful. (I’m told that there are 14-yr-olds out there who shout the same thing). I just find that I’m a more effective parent if I focus on what’s upsetting him instead of how his reactive, off-the-cuff remark might upset me.

It’s hard to be a 14-year-old, (I think that was bar-none my worst year growing up). It’s also hard to be the parent of a 14-year-old. Share in the struggle and journey together. Be the kind of parent she can hug and cry on.

Just as I try to do with my little guy, let your guard down a little. Try to figure out the underlying reason for her behavior. Is she getting bullied by her peers? Thinking she’s stupid because she’s struggling in a class? Under pressure to have sex or go to parties with drinking and drugs? You need to open yourself up as the kind of person she can talk to, (the role her soccer coach is probably playing right now), not the kind of person who shuts her off. Respond to her mood swings and disrespectful remarks not with defensiveness but with love, patience, and healthy boundaries.

Oh, and do me one more favor? Copy and save this message for me so that when I come back to CAF five years from now I can take my own advice . . . 😉

God bless!
 
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Also,

You should probably change your tune now before this becomes you.
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Ready to kick out my Daughter! Her lies are causing trouble in my marriage! Family Life
My daughter apparently knows who her child’s father is. Her antics have caused a huge argument between me and my husband. He knew everything all along. She confides in him but won’t tell me squat. When she came home pregnant needing a place to stay I questioned her about the pregnancy. Her plans, if she’d been getting care. When I asked who the father was she cries and looked down shaking her head in shame. Obviously it seemed like she didnt know. Any rational person would rake that as a no! B…
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This poster is in a world of hurt because she refuses to be kind to her daughter who was ‘always a troublemaker’
 
I was thinking the same thing. I should add to what I said in my other post that I absolutely sought affirmation elsewhere — from teachers, coaches, and mentors in school and at church. I became very clingy with adults who showed the slightest affection or appreciation toward me. Looking back, I see how I could have easily come home pregnant at 16 had the people I was getting this affection and affirmation from been teenage boys rather than reputable, trustworthy adults.
 
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