Problems with high schooler

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I completely agree but will also point out that untrustworthy adults, just like teenage boys, can also take advantage of a teenager seeking affection and understanding outside the home.

That is why it’s so, so critical for parents to be that person for their teens. As parents, we can’t always be guaranteed a trustworthy replacement.
 
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blackforest said:
I completely agree but will also point out that untrustworthy adults, just like teenage boys, can also take advantage of a teenager seeking affection and understanding outside the home.

That is why it’s so, so critical for parents to be that person for their teens. As parents, we can’t always be guaranteed a trustworthy replacement.
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Yes this is definitely true. I’m lucky the adults I bonded with were not untrustworthy. But not everyone is so lucky.

As Mother Teresa said, “If you want to change the world, go HOME and love your family.” Parents need to be the safe place and source of love.
 
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Your daughter seems like a normal 14-year-old teenager. Teenagers moods change like 10 times in an hour. Happy go lucky one minute to a monster 10 minutes later. Pick your battles very carefully - only very serious ones. Don’t reason with them when they are moody or angry because their brains can’t handle it yet. This part of being a moody teenager will last for a while but not forever so your job as a parent is to outlast it. In three months there is something else. Saying that "Coach A or person B is so lovely and X, W, Y and you “parent” is not, is common. Just say something polite and change the subject to something that is nice for everyone to talk about. She is trying to get you to feel bad while holding someone else up. She needs to know that you are there for her when times are ruff.

Go to your library and ask which books they recommend regarding teenagers and their development. You are not the only parent out there with teenagers.

Girls are often more moody and sullen than boys. Boys usually have a big fight and then they are finished with who is the highest on the ladder. Girls drag up things that happened 5 years ago in a fight that will never end it seems like. Are there are more mood swings during certain times of the month when it comes to girls? Their bodies are changing from being a little girl to a woman and that is often very hard. Tummy and/or body pains, swollen body and/or the feeling of just wanting to be by themselves are common.

One of the challenges during the teenage years is to go from being a child to a responsible adult. They think they are more grown up than they are but in reality, sometimes or even most of the time, they lack “common sense” and can’t see ahead what the consecenses are for their actions. Many times a 7-year-old is smarter in seeing what will happen when X is done. Human brains are not fully developed until we are 25.

It is important for both parents and teenagers to have good role models around them. Maybe let granny or another trustworthy adult have chats with the teenager about life and what it is like growing up. The older generation have a different perspective.

Remember that the Greek complained about the youth back in their time.
 
You say you asked her these questions, what were her answers? Or did she provide none?
 
In some ways, she sounds like me when I was 14. And let me tell you – my parents sitting with me and lecturing me about my behavior and how I disappointed them (or was sinning!) would have only hurt me more and made my self-esteem and anxiety worse. 14 is a very tough age.

You want to be on your kids’ team, not be in opposition to them. This is admittedly difficult in the teenage years, but if you try to keep this in mind first, I think it would help. Try to connect with her on topics she’s interested in – music, hobbies, sports, etc. Talk to her about those things, do some of those things with her. Go to her soccer games and cheer her on! Don’t mention afterward anything she (or her team) might have done badly, but focus on what she did well. E.g. “that was some great passing!” or “wow, you were so fast today!” or even a simple, “I love watching you play!” Connect with her. Build a relationship with her. The time is fast approaching when she be an adult and move out – build those bonds now while you can.

Listen more than you talk. When she does open up about feelings, listen as much as you can. Don’t minimize her feelings or suggest that the reason she’s having those feelings is because she’s doing something wrong. Rather, acknowledge the feeling e.g. “wow, that must be terrible to feel that everyone in school hates you and have to worry about social media so much.” Then try to brainstorm with her: “what do you think might help?” These are just examples, of course, but in general I find that fewer words are better with teens. Often, teens do open up to teachers/coaches/etc. because they work with a whole bunch of teens and have mastered the skill of non-judgmental listening more than some parents. (After all, this might be our first teenager, but teachers or coaches work with dozens of teens every year – they get a lot of practice talking to them.) When we listen without judgment and really seek to connect, teens do respond. Maybe not immediately, but over time connection will happen.

I wonder whether part of the problem with the outing was that it started out on the wrong foot because it wasn’t something she was really interested in. Perhaps she would have rather gone to a fast-food restaurant and a movie, for example. Or a coffee shop, or a sporting event, or a concert, or whatever. Most teenagers aren’t going to be very appreciative of a fancy restaurant. They’re teenagers. They won’t be like that forever. Connect with her now however you can.

I agree with other posters that a family counselor could be very helpful here. Since someone above recommended a book (and that one’s very good!), please let me to recommend another one: “Parenting from the Inside Out,” by Dr. Daniel Siegel. This book is different than many parenting books in that it asks parents to deeply examine themselves and their own childhood histories. I found this book fascinating and it helped me realize why some behaviors from my kids triggered me so deeply, and helped me work on different responses to those triggering behaviors. https://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Inside-Out-Self-Understanding-Anniversary/dp/039916510X
 
I will even say this will drive the kids away from Church if this continues.

Counselling. Read a book. Whatever. But the current path is due agnosticism.
 
Edited for coherency and typos: Teens can be awful, and if this thread were all I would agree with you about being hard on the OP. The concern is that the OP has posted about all three kids, and with all of them there’s a consistent pattern of concerning parental behavior.
 
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Wow. Sounds like you have a teenager. Also sounds like you may both be a little insecure and possibly narcissistic.

She probably likes her soccer coach because she supports her for who she is, unlike her parents. You and your husband need to see a therapist.
 
Oh, yikes

Read the other threads. You have issues, OP. I suggest some counseling.
 
You said all this stuff at a table in a public restaurant?!? Weren’t you the same one who didn’t want her 8yo playing with certain kid in her class because you were convinced the entire small town you lived in would be scandalized and your husband would lose his medical practice? Look, I’ll be perfectly frank, I can’t stand teenagers. I don’t like their sullen, ungrateful attitudes either. I don’t care for how they can get all nasty whenever an adult tries to do anything nice for them, and I understand that that is hurtful for you to have to deal with. But your reaction to it couldn’t be more unhelpful! And your jealousy over her respect and love for her soccer coach is something YOU need to deal with. It’s highly unlikely that the soccer coach wants to take your daughter home and she is probably perfectly aware of that. Even if soccer coach was 2018 Mother-of-the-Year, it’s a moot point because your daughter is stuck with you. Your daughter is lucky that she has another adult to feel close to, but she isn’t her mother. You need to work on your relationships with all your children (at least the ones you mentioned thus far) and probably should seek counseling to do so.
 
So the verdict is that I am mentally ill and all of this is my fault. At least no one has called me a troll, though I imagine it’s just a matter of time.

Do my children really have no responsibility in this? Their attitudes, lack of interest in the ones who brought them into the world and sacrificed for them? Is this really all on my husband and me?
 
I’m still curious how you and your husbands parents would respond to the question “what was I like as a teenager from your perspective?”
 
It’s a bad sign that when you come onto a Christian site, where most members are conservative in parenting and morality, you have many telling you that you are in fact the one at fault. If you are a real poster, you must get help, all your questions have been answered.
 
Bananas said:
So the verdict is that I am mentally ill and all of this is my fault. At least no one has called me a troll, though I imagine it’s just a matter of time.

Do my children really have no responsibility in this? Their attitudes, lack of interest in the ones who brought them into the world and sacrificed for them? Is this really all on my husband and me?
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Bananas, you are quite sane, I’m sure.

The only option here is to berate her some more. Preferably in front of others.

That’ll teach her better than to seek out others who treat her well, or with respect.
 
QContinuum said:
Bananas, you are quite sane, I’m sure.

The only option here is to berate her some more. Preferably in front of others.

That’ll teach her better than to seek out others who treat her well, or with respect.
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We have tried speaking calmly but it just doesn’t get through! She has to somehow be shown just how serious this all is. Being nice hasn’t worked. Sometimes in parenting you can’t be nice.
 
Being a teenager myself, I can relate. I feel like teenagers just have random mood swings. I don’t act much different sometimes. (I try not to). What I try to do when I feel like this is listen to some wonderful Catholic songs like Come back to me, Like a Shepherd, You are Mine and Lord When You came to the Seashore. Also praying the rosary has helped me shape my attitude.
 
HeDa said:
Your daughter seems like a normal 14-year-old teenager. Teenagers moods change like 10 times in an hour.
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14 can be a very difficult year. In some ways, a 14yo is like an adult. But they are also incredibly moody and to make things worse, they are often very dependent. Especially in areas where there is no public transport, they are too young to drive themselves and rely on mum and/or dad to chauffeur them.

They usually don’t have any of their own money either, few 14yo’s have jobs. I did the newspaper deliveries, but that was back in the 70’s.

Its worse being14 now than when I turned that age in 1970.
 
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