Problems with high schooler

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Useful to remember “do you know how much we sacrificed for you?” can be another way of saying “do you know how many things we’d have rather done than take care of you?”
 
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Dan123 said:
I’m still curious how you and your husbands parents would respond to the question “what was I like as a teenager from your perspective?”
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Our parents raised us to behave much better than this.
 
Sometimes when I am helping/correcting my sister I say

Is this something Jesus would want you to say/do?

Then you kinda have to answer honestly and change
 
Bananas said:
We have tried speaking calmly but it just doesn’t get through! She has to somehow be shown just how serious this all is. Being nice hasn’t worked. Sometimes in parenting you can’t be nice.
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I’d like to help you. But, first I need to understand the seriousness of your daughter liking her soccer coach more than you.

When I was 14, everyone rated better than my parents.
 
QContinuum said:
I’d like to help you. But, first I need to understand the seriousness of your daughter liking her soccer coach more than you.

When I was 14, everyone rated better than my parents.
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How would you feel if your child - the one you gave birth to and sacrificed for - had more interest in someone who did next to nothing for them (a few hours a day at soccer practice)?

Something tells me you wouldn’t like it very much.
 
Bananas said:
How would you feel if your child - the one you gave birth to and sacrificed for - had more interest in someone who did next to nothing for them (a few hours a day at soccer practice)?

Something tells me you wouldn’t like it very much.
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A lot of 14 year olds resent their parents exactly for that reason. They hate being so dependent, A boy of that age might grow a bit more, but the girls are just about as tall as they are going to get- in many physical ways they are adults.
 
I have a 15 year old. During hockey season, he is constantly at practices, at games, at team parties and tournaments. He also tennis, plays the piano, and is part of his youth group. Of course, he has school as well.

He still would rather be in his room playing video games or listening to music than spend his free time with us.

Sometimes he does grace us with a 20 minute conversation. It’s a highlight of my day when he pops in to say hello while on his way to get a bowl of cereal.

Pretty sure He thinks we’re smarter than his history teacher though. I’m stoked about that.
 
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Public forums get ruthlessly judgmental, and this one is no exception. You have to be pretty thick-skinned to post in parenting forums.

You could sift through the more mean-spirited posts for nuggets of wisdom, (I’ve seen some in this thread). But better yet, hit the confessional. Talk to your priest. Seek support. Read some parenting books. God bless!
 
Bananas said:
So the verdict is that I am mentally ill and all of this is my fault.
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Yes. All of the issues you’ve mentioned regarding your daughters are, on their end, perfectly normal. You, on the other hand, are clearly narcissistic (I don’t say this as an insult but simply as an observation, I’ve seen narcissism in action and you clearly are). If you don’t want your daughters to grow up to be broken and/or hate you, then you need to get help.
 
I would want to know why. What need is this other person fulfilling that I’m not?

Parenting is humbling. Ask me how I know . . .
 
It’s funny that you say that. Perhaps you should ask your parents for their advice. Obviously, if your children are not how you wish them to be, then maybe it is your parenting skills that are at fault. Maybe, it is all on you, and not on your children.
 
I don’t want to sounds mean, I think you obviously care about your daughters. It kind of sounds like you make her anxious? One of the first things I learned with working with the elderly is that people pick up on your emotions and attitude. Even she isn’t openly talking you, or you openly telling her, she can totally pickup on the fact that you are watching her and are upset. Yes, she should be grateful, but you really shouldn’t guilt trip her with gratitude. That may be why she goes to the coach. Honestly, it would make me feel like a burden. I bet she didn’t even enjoy the meal after that, and if after having kind of beaten her over the head for a while, this is the first time she’s lashed out, you have a pretty good kid. Sounds like you’re jealous of the coach, but unless you learn to correctly treat and handle your kids, they’ll keep gravitating towards others and away from you all. You’re still in time, get help 🙂
 
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Yes, @Bananas, we are saying you need to get some help with this. Because you have three daughters and three threads about them. In each thread, you don’t seem to grasp that your children are acting perfectly normally for their ages and that you are the one being unreasonable.

You simply cannot tell your daughters if they aren’t exactly what you want they are ungrateful for the sacrifices you made for them. That’s manipulation.

You are also way, way off the mark with your high schooler. Your focus is that she doesn’t seem to like you as much as she likes her coach. But you should really be focusing on the fact that she is deeply unhappy and does not feel comfortable around you. In fact, you are dismissing this and telling her to snap out of it. I cannot comprehend why you would do that and not try to get to the bottom of why she is so anxious around you.
 
Bananas, I don’t doubt that you love your kids. But in addition to seeming narcissistic (you seem weirdly obsessed with your husbands status as a doctor, for example) you just don’t give off a very
calm, relaxed vibe. Somehow you make ME anxious, and I’m a 34 year old guy, not a 14 year old girl.

Is it possible that what you’re perceiving as a normal conversation, your daughter is perceiving as an interrogation where you’re just looking for a reason to criticize her?
 
Bananas said:
Do my children really have no responsibility in this? Their attitudes, lack of interest in the ones who brought them into the world and sacrificed for them? Is this really all on my husband and me?
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Try taking her to her favourite restaurant, rather then yours.

We are not entitled because we become parents. Teenagers have attitudes. They should, they should also rebel. It’s part of growing up that shouldn’t be overlooked.
Girls get those hormones kicking in too. On top of everything else.

You and hubby could really benefit from parental classes.

Just because we are able to reproduce, it doesn’t mean we come with a how to parent manual and get it right all the time.

Question…what were you like as a kid and teenager. And what were you like at school
 
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Bananas said:
How would you feel if your child - the one you gave birth to and sacrificed for - had more interest in someone who did next to nothing for them (a few hours a day at soccer practice)?

Something tells me you wouldn’t like it very much.
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This is where you and hubby need to start looking at what’s going on with your home and parenting style. Something is not quite gelling
 
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