Proper etiquette for hosts regarding guests who can't live without 'the game'

[Booter]

Only schedule parties the Sunday after the Super Bowl…no sports there

 

[Booter]

I still hear it from my Uncle and Cousin how I was baptized Super Bowl Sunday 1986 but I like to say that’s why I’m a Giants fan

 

[maryjk]

Indeed. It’s really not “watching a game” or “playing a game” that is rude. It’s the holeing yourself up away from everyone because you don’t want to be with them. But if it’s done as a group activity I really do fail to see what’s so rude about it.

That includes video games too. Especially multiplayer console games.

We had the best time, believe it or not, after my mom’s funeral.

We pulled out the Wii and played. Then when it became obvious that more wanted to play, we drove over to Mom and Dad’s to get their Wii and set up another TV in the living room.

It was a group activity. Of course not everyone wanted to play. Me, I just wanted to sit. But there was a group that was laughing and playing. My mom would have loved it.

 

[Armor_of_Light]

Oh, wow. I thought these people were only spending a few hours or maybe even an hour at your house. They live with you and will only watch TV?

It seems like you are changing your story here.

Is this really about a few people wanting to watch a game while at your house or is it about your brother’s failing marriage because he owns 17 TVs? These are not the same problem.

If you are upset about your family’s reaction to the game not being on, you need to talk to them. Obviously they thought it would be on, and you decided they wouldn’t be watching.

If you are asking about your brother’s poor wife, let her take care of the situation. This isn’t your problem, unless she asked you for advice. She may like watching the games too.

No…for the umpteenth time (OK…maybe 3rd time) Its not about my brother!! That is a whole other thread for goodness sakes…maybe 3 or 4 threads.

The scenarios I present are not identical obviously, but I was hoping that the similarites (there are some) would be evident.

I’m not even talking about a particular game here. I’m asking about proper manners for the host and for the guests that want to retreat somewhere and watch ‘the game’.

Now I have already said at least twice that for next time, as a host, I can provide the drug for the addicts, but SHOULD I HAVE TO? I wouldn’t have to if it were anything else besides ‘the game’…judging by your comments and replies. I don’t see anything wrong about calling out the double standard and No…PNewton…It does not involve inflexibility on the part of the people standing up for better manners. Do you really think that guy who was described earlier…the one who took off to a bar to watch golf…was in the right?

I’ll start another thread about my brother and his situation! It’ll be a doozy so stay tuned.

 

[maryjk]

No…for the umpteenth time (OK…maybe 3rd time) Its not about my brother!! That is a whole other thread for goodness sakes…maybe 3 or 4 threads.

The scenarios I present are not identical obviously, but I was hoping that the similarites (there are some) would be evident.

I’m not even talking about a particular game here. I’m asking about proper manners for the host and for the guests that want to retreat somewhere and watch ‘the game’.

Now I have already said at least twice that for next time, as a host, I can provide the drug for the addicts, but SHOULD I HAVE TO? I wouldn’t have to if it were anything else besides ‘the game’…judging by your comments and replies. I don’t see anything wrong about calling out the double standard and No…PNewton…It does not involve inflexibility on the part of the people standing up for better manners. Do you really think that guy who was described earlier…the one who took off to a bar to watch golf…was in the right?

I’ll start another thread about my brother and his situation! It’ll be a doozy so stay tuned.

No you don’t have to.

 

[LilyM]

We had the best time, believe it or not, after my mom’s funeral.

We pulled out the Wii and played. Then when it became obvious that more wanted to play, we drove over to Mom and Dad’s to get their Wii and set up another TV in the living room.

It was a group activity. Of course not everyone wanted to play. Me, I just wanted to sit. But there was a group that was laughing and playing. My mom would have loved it.

The difference being that it was the whole group’s unanimous and unforced and unimposed choice that some be allowed to Wii, and more importantly no-one was demanding to be allowed to play in spite of others being upset by it.

 

[LilyM]

No you don’t have to.

But nor would AOL be told, as he has been here, that as a good host he should plan his parties around the habits of the addicts, or even warn them that no drugs would be provided, would he?

 

[hannajomar]

Now I have already said at least twice that for next time, as a host, I can provide the drug for the addicts, but SHOULD I HAVE TO?

Speaking of drugs, my personal experience with this issue relates to coffee. I was at a party at my husband’s cousin’s house. Around 3pm I asked her if we could make some coffee. She said, “I make coffee after dinner.” According to this thread, I had the right to demand that she make me coffee then and there, because a lot of people need coffee as a pick-me-up in the afternoon.

What if someone doesn’t want alcohol at their house? Do party guests have the right to expect to be able to drink?

p.s. AoL - congrats on the Baptism of your child! I hope you have a great party afterwards. Let us know how it goes.

 

[Armor_of_Light]

Speaking of drugs, my personal experience with this issue relates to coffee. I was at a party at my husband’s cousin’s house. Around 3pm I asked her if we could make some coffee. She said, “I make coffee after dinner.” According to this thread, I had the right to demand that she make me coffee then and there, because a lot of people need coffee as a pick-me-up in the afternoon. What if someone doesn’t want alcohol at their house? Do party guests have the right to expect to be able to drink? p.s. AoL - congrats on the Baptism of your child! I hope you have a great party afterwards. Let us know how it goes.

Thanks!

It was this past weekend…and it was a great time indeed. Even for MY BROTHER!! I don’t drink, but did buy a some beer for those who do. Like I said…I was remiss in my planning and next time I’ll set up a sports bar in the family room. This thread really has taught me a lot. We don’t get to host very often…just moved into a house that can hold a party pretty well…I look forward to the next gathering. My family is really just fine…warts and all I love them dearly and if the sport-os want the TV, then by gosh I’ll provide it. We are here to serve. I heard that somewhere recently…

 

[pnewton]

I don’t see anything wrong about calling out the double standard and No…PNewton…It does not involve inflexibility on the part of the people standing up for better manners.

Then fllex. Problem solved.

Do you really think that guy who was described earlier…the one who took off to a bar to watch golf…was in the right?.

The way this sounds, I think I would have taken off, and offered anyone that wanted to go a ride. I try to avoid situations with anyone who is bossy or controling.

 

[maryjk]

But nor would AOL be told, as he has been here, that as a good host he should plan his parties around the habits of the addicts, or even warn them that no drugs would be provided, would he?

The question is, does he have to provide a TV to his guests if he doesn’t want to. The answer is no.

He doesn’t have to provide anything to his guests. He could serve them bread and water if he wanted. He could offer them nothing to eat and have no where to sit.

It is his party and he can do whatever he wants.

Would I do that? No, but if he wants to he can.

 

[pnewton]

But nor would AOL be told, as he has been here, that as a good host he should plan his parties around the habits of the addicts, or even warn them that no drugs would be provided, would he?

If an analogy to drugs is used, then the host is also a drug user and simply not sharing. In other words, the analogy falls short in that a television was present and owned by the host.

Now in a case where room simply does not present itself, I understand not wanting everyone to have to listen to this game. Another compromise would be to leave it on, but muted, so not to interfere with others.

 

[pnewton]

Another thought on this, if there is a game I really want to watch that crosses a social situation, I usually make a call and see if it would be all right to watch. If I am met with hesitancy, I make a decision to stay home or go and not watch. The sports fan has the burden of responsibility here.

 

[Armor_of_Light]

Then fllex. Problem solved. The way this sounds, I think I would have taken off, and offered anyone that wanted to go a ride. I try to avoid situations with anyone who is bossy or controling.

Indeed.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

I threw a baptismal party once that didn’t include coffee. My dh and I didn’t ever drink coffee at the time, so we didn’t think of it. We were exhausted from cleaning & preparing for the party, as well as from baby care of a newborn. The food and cake that we provided was delicious, there was plenty to drink, there was a variety of choices of things to have with the cake, but we just didn’t think of the coffee. I was chastized by a close family member for being so rude as to not have the coffee at the party. And that person went to the store, bought coffee, brought it back and made it. I was really hurt that I had put so much into being a hospitable host, to my own detriment (I actually will get a fever after hosting a baptismal party, that’s how much it takes out of me), and all I got was a complaint that my failure to provide ONE thing that some people enjoy made me a bad host. I was hurt, and offended, and mad that this family member didn’t respect me and my efforts enough to just live with this simple oversight, and be thankful for my hospitality. People don’t always realize the efforts people go to to be hospitable. In most cases, is better to be thankful and pleasant to them, than to demand they do more, and demand that they martyr themselves for your whims.

 

[Sarabande]

Speaking of drugs, my personal experience with this issue relates to coffee. I was at a party at my husband’s cousin’s house. Around 3pm I asked her if we could make some coffee. She said, “I make coffee after dinner.” According to this thread, I had the right to demand that she make me coffee then and there, because a lot of people need coffee as a pick-me-up in the afternoon.

What if someone doesn’t want alcohol at their house? Do party guests have the right to expect to be able to drink?

p.s. AoL - congrats on the Baptism of your child! I hope you have a great party afterwards. Let us know how it goes.

I think demanding anything is rude whether you’re the host or the guest. Kindly asking for something is different. There was nothing wrong to nicely ask to make some coffee. A host asking guests what they would like and what would make them most comfortable is very considerate. A host who can accommodate a guest after a request is nicely asked is also very considerate. A guest should not become demanding, whining or beligerant if the host was not prepared to accommodate the guest of his/her request. It appears that was what the OP’s guests were doing, which isn’t very nice. If a guest is upset about it, he/she can vent about it with his/her spouse or whomever (or vent about it on CAF ) after the event just to get it off his/her mind. For me, personally, whatever makes people comfortable and happy, I’m willing to accommodate as long as I’m able to and can afford to.

In the example of your husband’s cousin’s home, I personally think she wasn’t being the best hostess when she wouldn’t put the coffee on at 3:00. You are guests, not residents of the house. I’m not saying she’s a bad or all around rude person, as I don’t know her personally and she probably wasn’t even being rude when she denied your request, but I can see how she could be viewed as rude to some people by not being a completely gracious hostess. It was a bad decision on her part. If she had the coffee and the coffee pot, I think a good hostess would have accommodated her guests since they had nicely asked if they could have some. That said, you were acting like a good and appreciative guest by not demanding it even though she wasn’t being the best hostess in that regard. It’s sort of a give and take in a way. Being respectful goes a long way.

 

[Armor_of_Light]

I threw a baptismal party once that didn’t include coffee. My dh and I didn’t ever drink coffee at the time, so we didn’t think of it. We were exhausted from cleaning & preparing for the party, as well as from baby care of a newborn. The food and cake that we provided was delicious, there was plenty to drink, there was a variety of choices of things to have with the cake, but we just didn’t think of the coffee. I was chastized by a close family member for being so rude as to not have the coffee at the party. And that person went to the store, bought coffee, brought it back and made it. I was really hurt that I had put so much into being a hospitable host, to my own detriment (I actually will get a fever after hosting a baptismal party, that’s how much it takes out of me), and all I got was a complaint that my failure to provide ONE thing that some people enjoy made me a bad host. I was hurt, and offended, and mad that this family member didn’t respect me and my efforts enough to just live with this simple oversight, and be thankful for my hospitality. People don’t always realize the efforts people go to to be hospitable. In most cases, is better to be thankful and pleasant to them, than to demand they do more, and demand that they martyr themselves for your whims.

Precicely what happened to us, but with ‘the game’! It just simply wasn’t on my radar screen…

 

[Em_in_FL]

No…for the umpteenth time (OK…maybe 3rd time) Its not about my brother!! That is a whole other thread for goodness sakes…maybe 3 or 4 threads.

The scenarios I present are not identical obviously, but I was hoping that the similarites (there are some) would be evident.

I’m not even talking about a particular game here. I’m asking about proper manners for the host and for the guests that want to retreat somewhere and watch ‘the game’.

Now I have already said at least twice that for next time, as a host, I can provide the drug for the addicts, but SHOULD I HAVE TO? I wouldn’t have to if it were anything else besides ‘the game’…judging by your comments and replies. I don’t see anything wrong about calling out the double standard and No…PNewton…It does not involve inflexibility on the part of the people standing up for better manners. Do you really think that guy who was described earlier…the one who took off to a bar to watch golf…was in the right?

I’ll start another thread about my brother and his situation! It’ll be a doozy so stay tuned.

I threw a baptismal party once that didn’t include coffee. My dh and I didn’t ever drink coffee at the time, so we didn’t think of it. We were exhausted from cleaning & preparing for the party, as well as from baby care of a newborn. The food and cake that we provided was delicious, there was plenty to drink, there was a variety of choices of things to have with the cake, but we just didn’t think of the coffee. I was chastized by a close family member for being so rude as to not have the coffee at the party. And that person went to the store, bought coffee, brought it back and made it. I was really hurt that I had put so much into being a hospitable host, to my own detriment (I actually will get a fever after hosting a baptismal party, that’s how much it takes out of me), and all I got was a complaint that my failure to provide ONE thing that some people enjoy made me a bad host. I was hurt, and offended, and mad that this family member didn’t respect me and my efforts enough to just live with this simple oversight, and be thankful for my hospitality. People don’t always realize the efforts people go to to be hospitable. In most cases, is better to be thankful and pleasant to them, than to demand they do more, and demand that they martyr themselves for your whims.

Precicely what happened to us, but with ‘the game’! It just simply wasn’t on my radar screen…

I don’t understand getting so offended?.. Why not just respond with, “Oh I didn’t even THINK about that! I’m sorry! Sure, here’s some cash - get enough for others to have coffee too!”… or “Sure, yeah - turn the game on - we’re done eating. Do you mind keeping it turned down a bit while we’re chatting here in the kitchen?”

Just a general tone of being gracious is always the best response… no need to take *offense *if it’s not something you naturally do.

 

[Sarabande]

I threw a baptismal party once that didn’t include coffee. My dh and I didn’t ever drink coffee at the time, so we didn’t think of it. We were exhausted from cleaning & preparing for the party, as well as from baby care of a newborn. The food and cake that we provided was delicious, there was plenty to drink, there was a variety of choices of things to have with the cake, but we just didn’t think of the coffee. I was chastized by a close family member for being so rude as to not have the coffee at the party. And that person went to the store, bought coffee, brought it back and made it. I was really hurt that I had put so much into being a hospitable host, to my own detriment (I actually will get a fever after hosting a baptismal party, that’s how much it takes out of me), and all I got was a complaint that my failure to provide ONE thing that some people enjoy made me a bad host. I was hurt, and offended, and mad that this family member didn’t respect me and my efforts enough to just live with this simple oversight, and be thankful for my hospitality. People don’t always realize the efforts people go to to be hospitable. In most cases, is better to be thankful and pleasant to them, than to demand they do more, and demand that they martyr themselves for your whims.

In this case, it was very rude of your guest to chastise you. You didn’t have the coffee, thus you weren’t able to accommodate. You weren’t being rude by saying, “We don’t drink coffee, therefore you will not drink coffee.” Like you said, it just wasn’t under your radar and you provided many other things and were being the best hostess that you could be. I don’t drink coffee either and for a few years after we were married, we didn’t even have a coffee maker. We got one after I realized that whenever we had people over our house, they were always asking for coffee, but it did take many times to get it under my radar. (I still don’t know how to make it, though.)

I think family members tend to be like this because they are family and think they can get away with basically being rude. I bet if he/she was at a non-family member’s home he/she would not have gone out and bought the coffee.

 

[pnewton]

I don’t understand getting so offended?.. Why not just respond with, “Oh I didn’t even THINK about that! I’m sorry! Sure, here’s some cash - get enough for others to have coffee too!”… or “Sure, yeah - turn the game on - we’re done eating. Do you mind keeping it turned down a bit while we’re chatting here in the kitchen?”.

I think this is how most people handle such things. Yet most of us have one in the family that knows just the wrong way to ask for something or mention a deficiency.