Proper etiquette for hosts regarding guests who can't live without 'the game'

[LilyM]

To adopt a sporting analogy for the sports fanatics - imagine a football team invites another to their home football ground to play a game.

Imagine the guest team turns up and starts complaining because the guest team wants to play hockey instead of football (folks, you were invited by a FOOTBALL team, why did you think they were going to want to play anything other than football?).

Imagine the guest team wants the goalpoasts moved to suit themselves (folks, you’re not playing on your home turf)

Imagine better yet, the guest team just starts playing a game of hockey amongst themselves and only occasionally ‘checking in’ with the host team team - you know, the one that went to the trouble, expense and thoughtfulness of inviting the guests, providing amenities for them, and who are going to have to pay for the cleanup afterwards

In short - unless you are invited TO WATCH A SPORTS GAME, or at least to hang out in general, rather than celebrate a specific event, it’s host’s party, host’s rules.

The hosts have a TV that they won’t let you turn on? Well, they have a washing machine too - you going to ask them to chuck on a load of your laundry for you while you’re at it, and then whine that ‘well, they’ve got the machine, why won’t they do the laundry for me?’ After that you can demand to wear the host or hostess’s clothes (after all, they have those too, they just won’t let you share ‘em!’) and have a joyride in the host’s car too.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

So we have gone from wanting to watch the game to acting like a drunk mean bully.

No one claimed to want to cut themselves off from everyone else. They simply wanted the game on.

Or at least it started that way in the OP.

If anyone acted like that in my home. Yelling at the children, or anyone for that matter, I would kick them out. If, on the other hand, someone wants to put on the game, I would see if Direct TV carried it.

Gordon’s family are pretty much in a league of their own, if you’ll pardon the expression.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

So we have gone from wanting to watch the game to acting like a drunk mean bully.

No one claimed to want to cut themselves off from everyone else. They simply wanted the game on.

Or at least it started that way in the OP.

If anyone acted like that in my home. Yelling at the children, or anyone for that matter, I would kick them out. If, on the other hand, someone wants to put on the game, I would see if Direct TV carried it.

This tends to be the behavior among certain of my family members whether there’s drinking or not. If there’s drinking it’s worse because then you have all manner of profanities thrown in (and that’s just when they’re yelling approvingly at the TV), but the yelling and anti-social behavior is typical. In the case of the golf and the women’s soccer, at least two people in each case not only yelled but refused to partake in the party festivities. (In the interest of fairness, the ones who refused to participate would throw full-blown conniption fits if any of the rest of us would behave the same way at their own children’s parties.) Now, there’s not always yelling, but there’s almost always whining, complaining and some degree of pouting if the game isn’t on on time, if the kids are too loud, or if the TV’s turned off in order to force them to come and watch their own kid or niece/nephew/sibling/parent blow out their candles and/or receive their gifts. And like I pointed out, we aren’t graced with the honor of hosting any of these parties anymore since we don’t have cable and prefer to have the honorees or occasion be the focus of the party, so we don’t have the luxury of kicking them out.

If children were acting this way, would you consider them well-behaved? If not, why are the adults considered reasonable and well-behaved for acting the same way? Why are the ones who are opposed to this behavior in the wrong, or at least considered to be just as wrong as the ones behaving this way?

 

[Gordon_Sims]

Gordon’s family are pretty much in a league of their own, if you’ll pardon the expression.

These are actually the reasonable, accepting, level-headed family members who behave this way.

 

[coachdennis]

This tends to be the behavior among certain of my family members whether there’s drinking or not. If there’s drinking it’s worse because then you have all manner of profanities thrown in (and that’s just when they’re yelling approvingly at the TV), but the yelling and anti-social behavior is typical. In the case of the golf and the women’s soccer, at least two people in each case not only yelled but refused to partake in the party festivities. (In the interest of fairness, the ones who refused to participate would throw full-blown conniption fits if any of the rest of us would behave the same way at their own children’s parties.) Now, there’s not always yelling, but there’s almost always whining, complaining and some degree of pouting if the game isn’t on on time, if the kids are too loud, or if the TV’s turned off in order to force them to come and watch their own kid or niece/nephew/sibling/parent blow out their candles and/or receive their gifts. And like I pointed out, we aren’t graced with the honor of hosting any of these parties anymore since we don’t have cable and prefer to have the honorees or occasion be the focus of the party, so we don’t have the luxury of kicking them out.

If children were acting this way, would you consider them well-behaved? If not, why are the adults considered reasonable and well-behaved for acting the same way? Why are the ones who are opposed to this behavior in the wrong, or at least considered to be just as wrong as the ones behaving this way?

Please don’t invite to any of your family gatherings – I couldn’t take the emotion of all that love in one room!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

These are actually the reasonable, accepting, level-headed family members who behave this way.

Your family wins the World Cup of Dysfunction.



:yeah_me:

 

[Cat]

We had the best time, believe it or not, after my mom’s funeral.

We pulled out the Wii and played. Then when it became obvious that more wanted to play, we drove over to Mom and Dad’s to get their Wii and set up another TV in the living room.

It was a group activity. Of course not everyone wanted to play. Me, I just wanted to sit. But there was a group that was laughing and playing. My mom would have loved it.

We did the same thing the year Guitar Hero first came out. The family Christmas party was at our house, and we have several “gathering spaces” in our little ranch home (living room for the quiet types and readers, my husband’s office in an old bedroom for the technophiles, the dining area/kitchen for the conversationalists, the outdoors for the kids, and the family room with the TV for the viewers.

Well, during this part, my husband started up the Guitar Hero in the family room for the kids, and many of the other relatives gravitated into the family. Eventually, the age range playing Guitar Hero was 4 years old to 75 years old. Delightful! So much fun.

I wasn’t one of the players. I don’t like video games of any type. I and a few women stayed in the dining room and talked. But we enjoyed listening in on the exciting game play in the family room!

So yes, I think video games can be very family-oriented.

I also think that for certain hyper, anti-social children, video games are a great way to keep them occupied so they don’t break things and start fights and end up having a huge meltdown and being taken home sobbing and screaming (this happened several times in our family gatherings before the kids got old enough to have hand-held video games).

 

[maryjk]

This tends to be the behavior among certain of my family members whether there’s drinking or not. If there’s drinking it’s worse because then you have all manner of profanities thrown in (and that’s just when they’re yelling approvingly at the TV), but the yelling and anti-social behavior is typical. In the case of the golf and the women’s soccer, at least two people in each case not only yelled but refused to partake in the party festivities. (In the interest of fairness, the ones who refused to participate would throw full-blown conniption fits if any of the rest of us would behave the same way at their own children’s parties.) Now, there’s not always yelling, but there’s almost always whining, complaining and some degree of pouting if the game isn’t on on time, if the kids are too loud, or if the TV’s turned off in order to force them to come and watch their own kid or niece/nephew/sibling/parent blow out their candles and/or receive their gifts. And like I pointed out, we aren’t graced with the honor of hosting any of these parties anymore since we don’t have cable and prefer to have the honorees or occasion be the focus of the party, so we don’t have the luxury of kicking them out.

If children were acting this way, would you consider them well-behaved? If not, why are the adults considered reasonable and well-behaved for acting the same way? Why are the ones who are opposed to this behavior in the wrong, or at least considered to be just as wrong as the ones behaving this way?

But what you are describing is so much more than anyone else has to deal with. You write your own rules for your family.

That said, just because your family seems to be off the rails, doesn’t mean that all families are. Or even that most are. So what you have to deal with, isn’t what most have to deal with. So, comparing the two is dishonest.

Someone asking to watch the game at my house or even the OP’s house, is totally different than someone asking to watch the game at your house.

So, no if children acted this way, I wouldn’t consider them well behaved. Of course, if adults acted that way, I would ask them to leave my home. 1) we don’t yell, we may cheer, but we don’t yell. 2) we don’t curse and 3) everyone better be respectful to everyone else.

I don’t know that ANYONE considers what you described as okay.

 

[Cat]

Speaking of drugs, my personal experience with this issue relates to coffee. I was at a party at my husband’s cousin’s house. Around 3pm I asked her if we could make some coffee. She said, “I make coffee after dinner.” According to this thread, I had the right to demand that she make me coffee then and there, because a lot of people need coffee as a pick-me-up in the afternoon.

What if someone doesn’t want alcohol at their house? Do party guests have the right to expect to be able to drink?

p.s. AoL - congrats on the Baptism of your child! I hope you have a great party afterwards. Let us know how it goes.

My husband and I do not drink alcohol ever.

At this point, everyone in our family knows our preference, and would not dream of brining alcohol to any parties or gatherings that we host. There has never been a “scene” about it, and we have never had to tell people. They just know.

I think that’s the way it is with teetotallers. After a few years, everyone gets the idea, and they realize that the teetotallers are still really fun people and that the party will be worth attending even without the liquor. It’s never an issue.

When we attend parties at other relatives’ houses, we know that there may be alcohol, and we don’t say anything. It’s not our party, it’s theirs. We just drink all their soda.

 

[Cat]

I threw a baptismal party once that didn’t include coffee. My dh and I didn’t ever drink coffee at the time, so we didn’t think of it. We were exhausted from cleaning & preparing for the party, as well as from baby care of a newborn. The food and cake that we provided was delicious, there was plenty to drink, there was a variety of choices of things to have with the cake, but we just didn’t think of the coffee. I was chastized by a close family member for being so rude as to not have the coffee at the party. And that person went to the store, bought coffee, brought it back and made it. I was really hurt that I had put so much into being a hospitable host, to my own detriment (I actually will get a fever after hosting a baptismal party, that’s how much it takes out of me), and all I got was a complaint that my failure to provide ONE thing that some people enjoy made me a bad host. I was hurt, and offended, and mad that this family member didn’t respect me and my efforts enough to just live with this simple oversight, and be thankful for my hospitality. People don’t always realize the efforts people go to to be hospitable. In most cases, is better to be thankful and pleasant to them, than to demand they do more, and demand that they martyr themselves for your whims.

I would go along with your comments if they were about dinner mints or cheese straws or even crudites.

But coffee is different. Coffee people are not just addicted psychologically, but also physically. If they don’t get their fix, they become unbelievably surly and combative and eventually sullen and withdrawn. This can wreck a party.

In addition, there are many older people who simply can’t accept a meal without coffee following. To them, this is the height of rudeness. It’s like having a stack of newspaper instead of toilet paper.

So IMO, it’s best to make provisions for all the people who are addicted to coffee or all the older people who still believe that true hospitality involves offering coffee with the dessert.

My husband and I don’t drink coffee, but after our daughter started drinking it, we bought a cheap coffee maker, and it comes out at parties. We don’t know how to make coffee, but we have the coffee and filters available, and always, ALWAYS, someone (who is shaking and has dilated pupils) steps up and volunteers to make coffee.

I realize that with the new baby and all, you did your very best and the rude people who complained were really out of line. But live and learn, right? Next time, make a stop at Dunkin’ Donuts if you have to, but have coffee available for those who need it, although I’m seeing more and more people who bring their own giant cup of coffee to meetings, parties, gatherings, etc.

 

[EasterJoy]

This whole thread is one big demonstration of why fasting is a useful spiritual practice, whether it is fasting from food or fasting from other things that have become habitual.

If there is anything in your life you cannot give up for a day, not only without complaint but without letting on that you’re doing without at all, your charity is greatly hobbled.

“When you fast, do not look gloomy like the hypocrites. They neglect their appearance, so that they may appear to others to be fasting. Amen, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you fast, anoint your head and wash your face, so that you may not appear to be fasting, except to your Father who is hidden. And your Father who sees what is hidden will repay you.” Matt. 6:16-18

 

[TheRealJuliane]

This whole thread is one big demonstration of why fasting is a useful spiritual practice, whether it is fasting from food or fasting from other things that have become habitual.

If there is anything in your life you cannot give up for a day, not only without complaint but without letting on that you’re doing without at all, your charity is greatly hobbled.

“When you fast, do not look gloomy like the hypocrites. They neglect their appearance, so that they may appear to others to be fasting. Amen, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you fast, anoint your head and wash your face, so that you may not appear to be fasting, except to your Father who is hidden. And your Father who sees what is hidden will repay you.” Matt. 6:16-18

But we don’t ENFORCE fasting upon others, we do it ourselves, voluntarily. People who come to your home expecting to be able to freely watch sports, shouldn’t be told, “You’re fasting from that today.” Right or wrong, the OP’s family does have that expectation.

 

[EasterJoy]

But we don’t ENFORCE fasting upon others, we do it ourselves, voluntarily. People who come to your home expecting to be able to freely watch sports, shouldn’t be told, “You’re fasting from that today.” Right or wrong, the OP’s family does have that expectation.

Well, yes and no. My point was that we fast during Lent not for its own sake, but so that we can go through this world without making a lot of demands on others. It is not the job of the host to jump through every hoop that a guest can dream up. A polite guest wouldn’t dream of making any demands that aren’t necessary, you’d agree with that, right?

Expectations? Who gave them those expectations? Where, pray tell, would a guest get the idea that accepting an invitation to dine is akin to going to a restaurant or a resort? The host chooses the entertainment, just as the host chooses the food. You don’t insist on watching TV any more than you insist on being allowed to rifle the refrigerator or the wine cellar. You graciously take what you’re offered and you don’t bring a lot of unnecessary expectations. IOW, you go to Aunt Sally’s and you pray that she’ll remember that there is a game on and asks if you’d like to watch it. Uncle Harry, meanwhile, prays that you will say “yes” so that he’ll get to turn the game on, which Aunt Sally has forbidden him to do unless the guests express a desire to watch.

Family often takes their liberties and despense with niceties, on the theory that the hosting family is able to draw boundaries out loud, too. The case under discussion is a job for out-loud negotiations. In our family, those would take place between the matriarchs, because they do all the planning and the lion’s share of the actual work of entertaining. The hosting matriarch does ask about what the other families would like, having to have her own rules pulled out of her with a pliers, and the other matriarchs see to it that those rules are found out and observed.

Generally speaking, though, yes: In our family, the hosting matriarch fights to find out every desire of her relatives and knocks herself out to accomodate them, pretending at least that she is happy to do it all–although usually she actually is very happy to go through contortions that she’d not make for her own children–while the visiting matriarchs do everything in their power to make sure that no demands beyond the minimum are voiced to the poor woman who is going to get saddled with all this, lest the visiting matriarchs be mortified to admit that she and her husband never taught their children how to be the kind of guests that anyone will ever willingly invite back.

It is a veritable battle over who can be the most accomodating, not the other way around!
But the matriarchs do call the shots: If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.

So, to the OP: Talk to the “hosts” in the other families, and you decide between you what to offer or not offer. The ones who are too young to host get to take what they get.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

We did the same thing the year Guitar Hero first came out. The family Christmas party was at our house, and we have several “gathering spaces” in our little ranch home (living room for the quiet types and readers, my husband’s office in an old bedroom for the technophiles, the dining area/kitchen for the conversationalists, the outdoors for the kids, and the family room with the TV for the viewers.

Well, during this part, my husband started up the Guitar Hero in the family room for the kids, and many of the other relatives gravitated into the family. Eventually, the age range playing Guitar Hero was 4 years old to 75 years old. Delightful! So much fun.

I wasn’t one of the players. I don’t like video games of any type. I and a few women stayed in the dining room and talked. But we enjoyed listening in on the exciting game play in the family room!

So yes, I think video games can be very family-oriented.

I also think that for certain hyper, anti-social children, video games are a great way to keep them occupied so they don’t break things and start fights and end up having a huge meltdown and being taken home sobbing and screaming (this happened several times in our family gatherings before the kids got old enough to have hand-held video games).

Sounds like fun, and it sounds like what YOU wanted to do at the party YOU threw.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

My husband and I do not drink alcohol ever.

At this point, everyone in our family knows our preference, and would not dream of brining alcohol to any parties or gatherings that we host. There has never been a “scene” about it, and we have never had to tell people. They just know.

I think that’s the way it is with teetotallers. After a few years, everyone gets the idea, and they realize that the teetotallers are still really fun people and that the party will be worth attending even without the liquor. It’s never an issue.

When we attend parties at other relatives’ houses, we know that there may be alcohol, and we don’t say anything. It’s not our party, it’s theirs. We just drink all their soda.

So why would the situation be any different at a home without “the game”? People can get the idea that this home’s parties don’t include sports on tv, and that it can still be worth attending the party even without the sports. (Of course, I hope that family doesn’t come to a baptism party just because it might be fun). The exact situation you describe, is all the OP was hoping for at his child’s baptism. Why would your preference for no alcohol be more worthy of respect from your guests than the OP’s preference for no sports? Couldn’t lots of people here decided that you think you are morally superior because you don’t want booze at your party? I certainly wouldn’t.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

But coffee is different. Coffee people are not just addicted psychologically, but also physically. If they don’t get their fix, they become unbelievably surly and combative and eventually sullen and withdrawn. This can wreck a party.

As I said, I learned from the rudeness of my guest (I actually don’t think there was even ONE person at my party who had a caffeine addiction there - there was just a certain relative who was horrified that I didn’t offer it to all of those people who didn’t really care that much), and I always have coffee available now. That said, it is not my responsibility to feed anyone’s addiction. If you are that addicted to coffee, that you can’t go 3 hours without it, then you’d best bring your own wherever you go. Or pick it up at starbucks on your way out of town.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

I will also say this - I don’t throw baptism parties so the guests can have a ton of fun. I throw baptism parties because it is polite to host people for a short while after they make the effort to come to your baptism. I expect that they will come to my house, we’ll all chat a while (people seem to enjoy the chatting), they’ll have a meal and some cake, and then they go home. Not the most fun day in the world. But a pleasant time with family after supporting us in our child’s sacrament. I don’t think we’ve ever had alcohol at a baptism party. So there you have it - I guess we might be considered the most boring baptismal hosts ever - no beer, no coffee (at least that one time), no sports.

We do have gatherings/parties that are more fun, and that do include things like beer and grilling. Usually the sports are live rather than televised - swimming, badminton, etc… Not at the baptism though. Those are calmer affairs.

 

[coachdennis]

I will also say this - I don’t throw baptism parties so the guests can have a ton of fun. I throw baptism parties because it is polite to host people for a short while after they make the effort to come to your baptism. I expect that they will come to my house, we’ll all chat a while (people seem to enjoy the chatting), they’ll have a meal and some cake, and then they go home. Not the most fun day in the world. But a pleasant time with family after supporting us in our child’s sacrament. I don’t think we’ve ever had alcohol at a baptism party. So there you have it - I guess we might be considered the most boring baptismal hosts ever - no beer, no coffee (at least that one time), no sports.

We do have gatherings/parties that are more fun, and that do include things like beer and grilling. Usually the sports are live rather than televised - swimming, badminton, etc… Not at the baptism though. Those are calmer affairs.

I guess we all come from different backgrounds and look at social occasions differently. The last baptism party in our family was an open house affair that lasted into the evening, had food catered, and an open bar. It allowed over 50 relatives of four generations from three states to gather, laugh, talk, and yes, there were people watching sports in a separate room. We thought it was a wonderful celebration in our family and did not find anything in conflict with the spiritual significance of the baptism held earlier in the day.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

So why would the situation be any different at a home without “the game”? People can get the idea that this home’s parties don’t include sports on tv, and that it can still be worth attending the party even without the sports. (Of course, I hope that family doesn’t come to a baptism party just because it might be fun). The exact situation you describe, is all the OP was hoping for at his child’s baptism. Why would your preference for no alcohol be more worthy of respect from your guests than the OP’s preference for no sports? Couldn’t lots of people here decided that you think you are morally superior because you don’t want booze at your party? I certainly wouldn’t.

I would never walk into someone’s home and expect to have control of their TV, or believe that I had the “right” to dictate how their party should be celebrated. Granted, the examples I’ve given are a bit extreme, but I know plenty of others who show up expect the same control to be extended to them regardless of the occasion. I’m still not sure why this is viewed as acceptable in this singular circumstance.

 

[hannajomar]

As I said, I learned from the rudeness of my guest (I actually don’t think there was even ONE person at my party who had a caffeine addiction there - there was just a certain relative who was horrified that I didn’t offer it to all of those people who didn’t really care that much), and I always have coffee available now. That said, it is not my responsibility to feed anyone’s addiction. If you are that addicted to coffee, that you can’t go 3 hours without it, then you’d best bring your own wherever you go. Or pick it up at starbucks on your way out of town.

I am a caffeine addict, and I agree. It is no one else’s responsibility to provide me with coffee. Just as I don’t think it is a host’s responsibility to provide a sports addict with a TV.