Protestant Girlfriend - What to do!?

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Mr_Ignatius said:
…Finally, when I talk about Catholic related things for the future e.g. “I’d like to get married in a Church with a Catholic Priest”, “If I were to become a proper Catholic, I’m not allowed to use contraceptives even when married” etc. she either gets very hurt or says something like “maybe you should just find a Catholic girlfriend”. This is frustrating! …
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It cuts both ways. If she wants a Protestant wedding ceremony and plans to use contraception within her marriage, she should find a Protestant to marry.

I assume that you are talking about marriage because you are both serious about each other as well as your faith. I know something about marrying Protestants. My husband was Protestant for the first ten years of our marriage. It might be encouraging to some that he eventually became Catholic, but for a time, I also left my own faith. We were married in the Catholic Church and had come to an agreement before marriage about these matters, but things happen. Mixed-faith marriages are *much harder *than I suspected when we were dating. If you are having a hard time now, it will likely get harder. It might work out with the two of you, but that’s less likely if either of you expects the other person to change and/or not practice his (or her) religion.
 
robwar said:
If this is a problem now, if you were to marry, the difference in faith will become a major holy war. If she isn’t interested in the Catholic faith now that you are, maybe it would be better to part ways on friendly terms. There are too many threads on the other side where someone married a non-Catholic and now there are big issues and children are now involved. If this doesn’t work out, then maybe looking for a Catholic girl that practices her faith. When one door closes, a window maybe opening. Too many people are scared to end this when not married, engaged etc. What is painful now, would be much worst if married. Wish her the best and let go and move on.
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THIS^^^

If she’s balking and hurt now, clearly she expects you to relinquish YOUR faith, not the other way around.
Move on. Be friends, be kind.
 
Firstly I just want to thank everyone for their responses. I’m so thankful for everyone taking time out to give some advice! I also wanted to mention that our relationship, APART from delving into the Christianity topic is amazing. I worry not being able to find another like her if I were the one to end the relationship - knowing that I made the decision.

For those who said I’m forcing my faith on to her. We’ve been good friends for almost a year, dating for a few months now and we have only had maybe 5 proper talks about our differences. I don’t ‘attack’, rather I try to lovingly describe the authority of the Church and her teachings - when she asks me the questions. Though she doesn’t ask often e.g. I found out she didn’t understand much at all about mass but she didn’t ask me a question about it :confused: I gave her Rome Sweet Home so I could let the book explain things but it didn’t go well.

Anyway, I feel like we do need to have these discussions for she is really involved at her church and I too am quite involved in church/youth ministry. I’m always willing to visit her church which is good for praise and worship but it doesn’t go much further than that and meeting really nice people.

My parents have also been heavily influencing me, telling me to move on. But I do think for the wrong reasons. You know the typical parent logic? Mainly “She’s a very nice girl but you can find better” etc.

We both came to two decisions:
  1. End it now
  2. Go hard and go fast - it was recommended by her pastor (her friend I had dinner with) that we identify how we are saved as this is integral for our relationship. I think with most salvation issues my girlfriend and I would agree on them.
BUT does that suffice?
Is it worth going “Hard and Fast”?

Hope everyone has a blessed day
 
Mr Ignatius said:

“Though she doesn’t ask often e.g. I found out she didn’t understand much at all about mass but she didn’t ask me a question about it I gave her Rome Sweet Home so I could let the book explain things but it didn’t go well.”

I think it might work better to show her a missalette and walk through the Mass quickly, explaining what happens at each step.

I haven’t read it for a while, but I don’t recall that Rome Sweet Home does that in much detail.

Your girlfriend may be a great person, but she sounds pretty closed minded.

“My parents have also been heavily influencing me, telling me to move on. But I do think for the wrong reasons. You know the typical parent logic? Mainly “She’s a very nice girl but you can find better” etc.”

I think she’s probably a wonderful girl, but not the right girl for you. And likewise, you are probably a wonderful guy, but not the right one for her.
 
Speaking of Scott Hahn, his book “The Lamb’s Supper” is a much, much better explanation of the Mass. Maybe try that.
 
Mr_Ignatius said:
Firstly I just want to thank everyone for their responses. I’m so thankful for everyone taking time out to give some advice! I also wanted to mention that our relationship, APART from delving into the Christianity topic is amazing. I worry not being able to find another like her if I were the one to end the relationship - knowing that I made the decision.

For those who said I’m forcing my faith on to her. We’ve been good friends for almost a year, dating for a few months now and we have only had maybe 5 proper talks about our differences. I don’t ‘attack’, rather I try to lovingly describe the authority of the Church and her teachings - when she asks me the questions. Though she doesn’t ask often e.g. I found out she didn’t understand much at all about mass but she didn’t ask me a question about it :confused: I gave her Rome Sweet Home so I could let the book explain things but it didn’t go well.

Anyway, I feel like we do need to have these discussions for she is really involved at her church and I too am quite involved in church/youth ministry. I’m always willing to visit her church which is good for praise and worship but it doesn’t go much further than that and meeting really nice people.

My parents have also been heavily influencing me, telling me to move on. But I do think for the wrong reasons. You know the typical parent logic? Mainly “She’s a very nice girl but you can find better” etc.

We both came to two decisions:
  1. End it now
  2. Go hard and go fast - it was recommended by her pastor (her friend I had dinner with) that we identify how we are saved as this is integral for our relationship. I think with most salvation issues my girlfriend and I would agree on them.
BUT does that suffice?
Is it worth going “Hard and Fast”?

Hope everyone has a blessed day
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Go hard and fast?

Seriously ! I would run from that pastor.

I got married when I was 21 after 3 yrs dating. We met at our Protestant church. We THOUGHT we agreed on things.

We didn’t

3 kids later…and years of conflict we divorced. Ultimately this was because we didn’t properly discuss the issues, and things change in life. And yes after kids women change. Good bad indifferent it just changes.

So I recommend going slow and easy and take time to form a lifelong bind and ensure you are as close to 100% compatible as possible.

You say you love each other do you understand what that means?

It means “willing the good of the other as other”

It means regardless of how it makes you feel, you will her good.

And she to you.

Frankly where you guys are at if you truly love her ( will her good) you would probably be loving to let her go.

Stay friends and talk church, but it’s not going to be fair to either of you to enter a marriage thst has built in conflict before it starts.

Catholic teaching dictates all of life not just sex and raising kids, but going to church every Sunday, praying, living, finances, etc…

As an evangelical she is more in line with Americanism than Christianity is guess. This world view difference will again cause conflict.
 
Sorry I didn’t mean that I gave Rome Sweet Home to explain the mass. I meant that I gave it just to describe Catholicism in general.

Yes for sure the lamb’s supper would be great, I’m still reading it now but she is as one of the posts mentioned above, a little close minded. So I highly doubt that something so theologically different to what she believes will be effective. But I might give it a try!

Also with the people that referred to the “Wife Won’t Accept My Victory” thread. Interesting stuff haha. I don’t mean to offend the OP but there were some posts here and there that I do feel could pass as ‘troll’ posts.

But back to my question:
Would it be enough to agree on our salvation in general?
Is there a point of us going hard and fast?
Note: we’re also full time students so we’re finding time to do so very very hard, which frustrates me a bit. Because if I do try to set a time in our busy schedules then I’m like forcing these conversations - which I’m worried might get her even more unsettled

And I don’t think that she would take the initiative in breaking up (if we do). I will have to be the one.
 
Mr_Ignatius said:
Sorry I didn’t mean that I gave Rome Sweet Home to explain the mass. I meant that I gave it just to describe Catholicism in general.

Yes for sure the lamb’s supper would be great, I’m still reading it now but she is as one of the posts mentioned above, a little close minded. So I highly doubt that something so theologically different to what she believes will be effective. But I might give it a try!

Also with the people that referred to the “Wife Won’t Accept My Victory” thread. Interesting stuff haha. I don’t mean to offend the OP but there were some posts here and there that I do feel could pass as ‘troll’ posts.

But back to my question:
Would it be enough to agree on our salvation in general?
Is there a point of us going hard and fast?
Note: we’re also full time students so we’re finding time to do so very very hard, which frustrates me a bit. Because if I do try to set a time in our busy schedules then I’m like forcing these conversations - which I’m worried might get her even more unsettled

And I don’t think that she would take the initiative in breaking up (if we do). I will have to be the one.
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How do you agree on salvation?

Does she accept baptism is required for salvation and thus happy to baptize your kids?

Does she believe she can lose her salvation by sinning?

I can almost guarantee she does not.

It’s easy for her to say your a Christian because Jesus is you Lord and Savior and everything else is extra.

But how can you agree she is saved if she isn’t baptized or is outside the church or is willing to be in unrepentant sin?
 
Mr Ignatius said:

“But back to my question:
Would it be enough to agree on our salvation in general?”

No. And honestly, I think if you dig a little, you’ll discover that you do not, in fact, agree about the nature of salvation. In fact, the whole Protestant Reformation focused largely on the nature of salvation, i.e. faith, grace and works. (I think a lot of that was due to misunderstandings and people using the same terminology in different ways, but the controversies persist to this day in certain circles–for instance among the more hard core Presbyterians.)

“Is there a point of us going hard and fast?”

No. Go slow, or don’t go at all. If neither of you appreciates the other’s religion, you’d be in for a long, hard marriage. Either break up or date at least until both of you can sit through the other’s church without wincing.
 
Presbyterians do baptize. Aside from that quibble, I agree with Jon S that “It’s easy for her to say your a Christian because Jesus is you Lord and Savior and everything else is extra.” I suspect that she probably sees her church’s practices and traditions as being totally natural, while the Catholic church’s practices and traditions are artificial and “extras” even though, as we all know, you could easily make an argument in the other direction. (Where are Super Bowl viewing parties, microphones, overhead projectors and Power Point presentations in the Bible, anyway?) Part of this comes from the fact that while she’s zealous, she’s also young and inexperienced–she just hasn’t had the opportunity yet to learn about other denominations and churches. And she may not have the inclination. It will be important to your future happiness to figure out which it is.

I feel like the two of you probably agree about a lot–except what it means to live out your faith in everyday life. That’s a big one.
 
Here is my 2 cents and it may not be worth that much.

For now agree to disagree. Tell her you won’t bring up the Catholic church unless she asks a question. Likewise she should return the courtesy. See if you can get her to agree to the following. For 6 months, you will pray daily asking God if he wants you to become a Presbyterian and ask her to pray and ask God if she should become Catholic.

At the end of 6 months you should have your answer, if not before. It is possible she may end it sooner than that as well.
 
Mr_Ignatius said:
Firstly I just want to thank everyone for their responses. I’m so thankful for everyone taking time out to give some advice! I also wanted to mention that our relationship, APART from delving into the Christianity topic is amazing. I worry not being able to find another like her if I were the one to end the relationship - knowing that I made the decision.

For those who said I’m forcing my faith on to her. We’ve been good friends for almost a year, dating for a few months now and we have only had maybe 5 proper talks about our differences. I don’t ‘attack’, rather I try to lovingly describe the authority of the Church and her teachings - when she asks me the questions. Though she doesn’t ask often e.g. I found out she didn’t understand much at all about mass but she didn’t ask me a question about it :confused: I gave her Rome Sweet Home so I could let the book explain things but it didn’t go well.

Anyway, I feel like we do need to have these discussions for she is really involved at her church and I too am quite involved in church/youth ministry. I’m always willing to visit her church which is good for praise and worship but it doesn’t go much further than that and meeting really nice people.

My parents have also been heavily influencing me, telling me to move on. But I do think for the wrong reasons. You know the typical parent logic? Mainly “She’s a very nice girl but you can find better” etc.

We both came to two decisions:
  1. End it now
  2. Go hard and go fast - it was recommended by her pastor (her friend I had dinner with) that we identify how we are saved as this is integral for our relationship. I think with most salvation issues my girlfriend and I would agree on them.
BUT does that suffice?
Is it worth going “Hard and Fast”?

Hope everyone has a blessed day
Click to expand...
Her pastor is giving very poor marital advice. No matter how nice she is etc and so on, you both are at an impass and having a divided home and marriage over religion is a set up for holy wars later on. It’s not a matter of both of you being saved and you both need to work it out. You want to be involved with the Catholic church and she with hers. There is no such thing as “hard and fast”. One doesn’t marry someone with the hope that some major issue etc is going to change. This can apply to many other areas as well. She would hope you would leave the Catholic church, you are hoping she would become Catholic. Let’s say someone in this likes to drink. They are real nice person etc and so on. but they like to drink. So, you marry them because they are nice but you hope that they will stop drinking and think that if we are married now, they will mature and grow up now and stop. The problem is that is doesn’t work that way and if you marry someone with a major problem or issue or difference then guess what now you REALLY will have that problem, issue and difference and being married will only make it 100 times bigger.
There is a good book out call “Till Faith do us part”. It is a study about mixed faith marriages. It was done by a Jewish women who married a non-active JW. While the book tries to put a positive spin on mixed faith marriages, it points out that they are often less happy, more contenious and conflicted. This dopey minister doesn’t know what he is talking about and I think you know and her what needs to happen.
 
My 2 cents:

I’ve been lonely in my life.
I married someone who did not share my faith or any faith really.
Disaster.
Widowed.
Lonely.
Met a good Catholic man.
Married.
Bliss.

I wouldn’t marry outside of my faith for anything ever again.
It’s not worth it.
The Eucharist certainly is worth it. I’ll never walk away from it.
If you feel you are grasping at straws to have someone in your life…you probably are.
Peace.
 
You stated her reaction to Scott Hans book was “She didn’t like it.”

Good. I think the reason she didn’t like it was because it showed her that she may be not be where she needs to be and it scares her. To take a step away from a religion she knows and is comfortable with is a terrifying. Friends, family, a culture she knows and loves letting go is the hardest faith choices anyone can make.
I spent 30 years baptist, 10 years married to a Catholic, and the past 3 as a Catholic.
My wife didn’t push, she just loved. The truth that is the Catholic Church is undeniable.
Go with:
Time and Love
 
byronious said:
Here is my 2 cents and it may not be worth that much.

For now agree to disagree. Tell her you won’t bring up the Catholic church unless she asks a question. Likewise she should return the courtesy. See if you can get her to agree to the following. For 6 months, you will pray daily asking God if he wants you to become a Presbyterian and ask her to pray and ask God if she should become Catholic.

At the end of 6 months you should have your answer, if not before. It is possible she may end it sooner than that as well.
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I think this is a good idea. I don’t know how old you are, and I think that would probably sway me one way or another. You can’t go wrong putting this in the hands of the Holy Spirit. On the other hand, it might be the more loving thing to do to just let her go so you both can find appropriate potential life-partners. It doesn’t get easier to find someone once you’re out of school.

I think you really need to pray over this and maybe seek some spiritual direction. Have you spoken to a priest about it?

On a personal note - I will tell you that it is very difficult to attend Mass alone among other intact Catholic families. (I am divorced from a man with no faith, but I would imagine that it’s just as lonely attending Mass when your wife and kids are across town at the Presbyterian church.)
 
I fail to see how encouraging someone to leave the Catholic faith will put them on the road to a good marriage. :hmmm:

He knows the answer. He’s looking for permission to stay in a relationship that he knows will not be fulfilling in the end.
There are lots of wonderful young women out there who share his faith.
There is also some wonderful young man of HER faith that she should be free to get to know.

They’re young. What’s the rush?
Peace.
 
Mr_Ignatius said:
This massive strain in our relationship slowly began to surface a couple weeks ago. Can you guys please help me out? What would you recommend me to do?

God bless
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My very strong recommendation is to end this with her and find a Catholic girlfriend. Pursuing this relationship will probably be very hurtful to you both. Especially her, because you are not willing to accept her as she is, but rather seek to change her - and she made it clear to you that she doesn’t want to be changed. One cannot enter a relationship expecting to “change” the other.
 
I’m going to be blunt here: you have a bad case of “one-itis”. In other words, your total focus on her and your FEAR that you will never find another one like her is blinding you to the great pitfall of this relationship. You and she may be behaving nicely about this now, but I see no sign in that niceness that the issue is actually resolved. It isn’t resolved until either she converts or she at least fully agrees to go along with you. That would mean marrying in the Church and raising your kids as Catholics. If she’s not going to acquiesce on this, you have no business continuing the relationship.

That pastor of hers gave very bad advice, by the way, wanting you to rush into this. He’s likely thinking you’ll do anything for her. Including sacrificing your Catholicism to be with her. You shouldn’t do that, that’s not good for you to be that weak, you need to be the man in the relationship, you need to be strong in your belief, able to stand up for it.

Walk. Away. Now. Call her and tell her you’re done and tell her why.

Like I said, I’m being blunt, but as I also said in that other thread referenced above, this is the sort of issue that has to be resolved one way or the other now. Not six months from now, not after you’ve announced your engagement, not after you’ve kissed the bride. Not when you just became a proud papa. Now.

If she wants to be with you badly enough, she will cross that divide for you if that is the only way she can be with you. You can offer to sponsor her for RCIA. If not, then you didn’t want to be married to her.
 
Ouch I don’t know if I could do that right now. I keep telling myself and others I need to pray more. But this praying could go for quite a long time. Can I make this decision using more logic or am I okay to wait until I’m more comfortable (when and if the time comes - probably quite soon)?

I want to be fully confident that the decision will be pleasing to God!

For those who are wondering how old I am: 20.

We’ve discussed how we could look back at our relationship and see that God worked through her to help me become a man with greater faith and knowledge in Him. But what about her? I feel like I got the better end of the deal!

In the past week or two we have both been leaning towards deciding to break up heck we even came up with a date (which already passed) to decide on where we’ll be heading.

When we spend time together I worry too much thinking that our failure in the relationship would be my fault - I moved it in this particular direction, bringing up these very tough topics up with her and making her upset when I do :mad:

I’m sorry for giving too much detail at times but this is my first relationship so all the advice is appreciated. So much free advice here. God bless you all!
 
Regretfully at this point perhaps your praying has already given you an answer. Your girlfriend is not at all open to being Catholic. That may be your final answer. The failure in the relationship would not be your fault; it would be simply that you have divergent religious beliefs that will be a real problem in marriage if you wish to marry in a Catholic Church, raise Catholic Children, and live a Catholic centered life.

The fact that she is upset that you bring up these topics is definitely a red flag. She seems as though she doesn’t want to talk or hear about it probably because her Faith is as important to her as yours is to you.

First relationships are special in that they are a first. Not all relationships are meant to lead to marriage thus people date often more than one person before they find their spouse for life.

If you break up you will always have the memories of your first love with a special place in your heart and also know that that love may have been seriously compromised when religious issues cam into play in a marriage.

God bless you and prayers for your continued disscernment.
Mary.
 
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