Protestant Girlfriend - What to do!?

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Mr_Ignatius said:
Ouch I don’t know if I could do that right now. I keep telling myself and others I need to pray more. But this praying could go for quite a long time. Can I make this decision using more logic or am I okay to wait until I’m more comfortable (when and if the time comes - probably quite soon)?

I want to be fully confident that the decision will be pleasing to God!

For those who are wondering how old I am: 20.

We’ve discussed how we could look back at our relationship and see that God worked through her to help me become a man with greater faith and knowledge in Him. But what about her? I feel like I got the better end of the deal!

In the past week or two we have both been leaning towards deciding to break up heck we even came up with a date (which already passed) to decide on where we’ll be heading.

When we spend time together I worry too much thinking that our failure in the relationship would be my fault - I moved it in this particular direction, bringing up these very tough topics up with her and making her upset when I do :mad:

I’m sorry for giving too much detail at times but this is my first relationship so all the advice is appreciated. So much free advice here. God bless you all!
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As another poster has recently said:

I’m going to be blunt here:

You want to please God, do you?
I will tell you this with certainty.
God will not be pleased that you will walk away from the Sacraments of the Church and His real Presence in the Eucharist for another person. Period.
She has said she will not follow you.
YOU, my friend, must follow the Commandments. YOU must follow Christ.
YOU are a member of Christ’s Church on earth.
Others have died for the faith. DIED.
If you are not willing to make this commitment to God Himself…what kind of commitment are you presuming you will make to this girl, who is telling you her truth.
She does not want to become Catholic. She has said where she stands, and for now, is exhibiting more religious fervor than you are. She is of another faith. God bless her.
If you will not listen to us, you need to listen to her.
Free advice, eh? I hear the mocking tone in your voice.
Maybe the advice is free, but it is heartfelt. If I recall correctly, only one of the 41 replies has suggested to you that leaving the faith will work our for you and your soul.
One reply for every day of Lent. Think hard my friend. Think of that night before His passion. Think if you would walk away from that table.
Sounds harsh to you?
No. It is the path to real joy.
Peace.
 
Zzyzx Road said:

“I’m going to be blunt here: you have a bad case of “one-itis”. In other words, your total focus on her and your FEAR that you will never find another one like her is blinding you to the great pitfall of this relationship.”

Yes, especially in view of the OP’s age.

“You and she may be behaving nicely about this now, but I see no sign in that niceness that the issue is actually resolved.”

I don’t think either of them are being that nice. They’re mostly just sweeping it under the rug, which is easy when they don’t see that much of each other. When they do talk about religion, the OP is being a little pushy and expecting her to change, while his girlfriend doesn’t know anything about his faith and doesn’t seem to want to know anything. (That feature is, even more than the religious difference, one that I find very troubling. Where is this girl’s intellectual curiosity?) How can we love somebody and have no interest or hostility toward what is important to them? If we love people, we can’t just shut them down when they’re talking about stuff they care about, even if it’s as trivial as furniture or model trains.

It also doesn’t really sound like they either don’t have time for the relationship right now, or they aren’t allotting enough time for it if there isn’t time to talk seriously about their faith differences.

“It isn’t resolved until either she converts or she at least fully agrees to go along with you. That would mean marrying in the Church and raising your kids as Catholics. If she’s not going to acquiesce on this, you have no business continuing the relationship.”

Yes.

And marrying her in the expectation that she’s going to change is just not fair to her or respectful of her.

I’d also note that there is a gender difference here, in that under normal circumstances, it is a lot easier for a Catholic wife in a mixed marriage to raise Catholic children than it is for a Catholic husband in a mixed marriage. If the wife is an SAHM and is spending more time with the kids, is it realistic or fair to think that she will be bringing them up in a faith she doesn’t believe?

“That pastor of hers gave very bad advice, by the way, wanting you to rush into this.”

Yes. I think so, especially knowing how young the OP is. That was very inappropriate of him.

“Like I said, I’m being blunt, but as I also said in that other thread referenced above, this is the sort of issue that has to be resolved one way or the other now. Not six months from now, not after you’ve announced your engagement, not after you’ve kissed the bride. Not when you just became a proud papa. Now.”

Yeah. The longer this takes, the more it’s going to hurt later and the harder the feelings are going to be. Women HATE having their time wasted.

“If she wants to be with you badly enough, she will cross that divide for you if that is the only way she can be with you. You can offer to sponsor her for RCIA. If not, then you didn’t want to be married to her.”

Eh–I know a lot of people do it, but I’m uncomfortable with the practice of significant others as RCIA sponsors. What happens when, down the road, you get really disenchanted with your husband/wife/RCIA sponsor? I know it sometimes is a necessity, but I would not the dual role as a first option.
 
Maybe I didn’t make myself more clear, sorry.

When I say I want to please God I don’t imply that I consider leaving the Catholic church. Not for my girlfriend or for any other if any other girlfriend in the future.

I meant it in terms of being as loving as possible to my best friend whom I care about so much - a sister in Christ. I want to treat her how I’d want my sister or my daughter or my mother to be treated, despite our differences in faith.

Also when I said free advice I meant that in a grateful way. Honestly am thankful for everyone giving up their time to write heartfelt responses. (I would consider paying for such responses).

Thanks Xantippe. We do struggle with finding time to spend with each other. :mad:

Anyway,
I think my girlfriend and I just can’t stop focusing on the “what if” aka the very little chance we have of working out. This small chance we have is so so desirable but it really may be better for us to walk away from each other - for as they say if we’re meant to be we’ll be together in the end.

It seems like I’ve come to my decision. I will be praying extra hard for the next day or two, speaking to her as soon as possible about us. Please pray for me. This sucks!!!

Feel free to give further advice if you have any. I love all you Catholic Answers people! I really do.
 
Mr_Ignatius said:
We’ve discussed how we could look back at our relationship and see that God worked through her to help me become a man with greater faith and knowledge in Him. But what about her? I feel like I got the better end of the deal!
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FYI

This is code for making you into a Christian like her.
 
Mr_Ignatius said:
Ouch I don’t know if I could do that right now. I keep telling myself and others I need to pray more. But this praying could go for quite a long time. Can I make this decision using more logic or am I okay to wait until I’m more comfortable (when and if the time comes - probably quite soon)?

I want to be fully confident that the decision will be pleasing to God!

For those who are wondering how old I am: 20.

We’ve discussed how we could look back at our relationship and see that God worked through her to help me become a man with greater faith and knowledge in Him. But what about her? I feel like I got the better end of the deal!

In the past week or two we have both been leaning towards deciding to break up heck we even came up with a date (which already passed) to decide on where we’ll be heading.

When we spend time together I worry too much thinking that our failure in the relationship would be my fault - I moved it in this particular direction, bringing up these very tough topics up with her and making her upset when I do :mad:

I’m sorry for giving too much detail at times but this is my first relationship so all the advice is appreciated. So much free advice here. God bless you all!
Click to expand...
Yes, this is hard to to. many of us have been there in the past. Try to leave on friendly terms with her but if something isn’t meant to be then it is better to deal with this now than married, 2 kids and holy war on both your hands. I had to break up with a previous boyfriend before I met my husband (28 years). We left it on friendly terms and I even invited him to my wedding. I think that can be possible for the both of you here. God bless.
 
I doubt anyone here is going to tell you go ahead and pursue this relationship romantically.

I believe you already know what the right thing to do is. You just don’t want to do it.
 
Jon S said:

"FYI

“This is code for making you into a Christian like her.”

Nice code-breaking, Jon S. I grew up Protestant and spent a lot of time among Protestants as a young adult, and I think you are reading that correctly.

That is an essential part of the problem, that someone like the OP’s girlfriend cannot even conceptualize what it means to be a non-Protestant Christian.
 
Been there. I married a Protestant. Five kids and 24 years later we are very happy. Kids are all active Catholics as well as I am. My husband attends Sunday Mass each week and helps me to defend the faith with our kids. It can work. He is very accepting of the faith and we are all respectful of his faith. While I wish he would convert, the Spirit just hasn’t moved him yet.
My daughter is currently in a serious relationship with a Protestant and while I am concerned about the future for her, I believe she has witnessed first hand how a mixed faith marriage works.

This forum is very pro Catholic to the point that it is sometimes funny! Mixed marriages can work and may even make your faith stronger.

Sandy
 
Blessedwithfive,

The OP’s girlfriend’s isn’t just Protestant. To my ear, she sounds actively anti-Catholic. Her religious practice is somehow the default, while she views the OP’s religious practice as sectarian.

Bear in mind that there is a gender difference, and that it’s easier for you to bring up Catholic children in a mixed marriage than it would be for the OP as a father, unless he were a SAHD.
 
Blessedwithfive said:
Been there. I married a Protestant. Five kids and 24 years later we are very happy. Kids are all active Catholics as well as I am. My husband attends Sunday Mass each week and helps me to defend the faith with our kids. It can work. He is very accepting of the faith and we are all respectful of his faith. While I wish he would convert, the Spirit just hasn’t moved him yet.
My daughter is currently in a serious relationship with a Protestant and while I am concerned about the future for her, I believe she has witnessed first hand how a mixed faith marriage works.

This forum is very pro Catholic to the point that it is sometimes funny! Mixed marriages can work and may even make your faith stronger.

Sandy
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Thanks for the (name removed by moderator)ut Sandy. The key is having a partner that truly loves you and thus not only allows you to practice and raise the kids in it, but is also open to it .

If the OP had described such a situation the advice would have been much different. Unfortunately he basically describes the opposite.
 
Xantippe said:
Blessedwithfive,

The OP’s girlfriend’s isn’t just Protestant. To my ear, she sounds actively anti-Catholic. Her religious practice is somehow the default, while she views the OP’s religious practice as sectarian.

Bear in mind that there is a gender difference, and that it’s easier for you to bring up Catholic children in a mixed marriage than it would be for the OP as a father, unless he were a SAHD.
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I totally disagree. I was not a SAHM until the last few years.
All upbringing is a team effort.
My husband and his family were extremely active in their church. This was not something that happened quickly or without discussions. It was however a faith building experience for all of us.
 
Blessedwithfive,

I can’t help but notice that pretty much all of the rosy scenarios given on this thread have been Catholic wife/non-Catholic husband marriages. There’s a scarcity of happy endings involving Catholic husbands/non-Catholic wives, which would be the more relevant scenario for the OP.

I think it’s very natural for the religion of the mother to drive the religious practice of the family.
 
My son was in a similar relationship. It would have been better for him an her to have called off than waiting five years to do so. After trying to resolve the issues, he realized that it could not be done.
 
Xantippe said:
Blessedwithfive,

I can’t help but notice that pretty much all of the rosy scenarios given on this thread have been Catholic wife/non-Catholic husband marriages. There’s a scarcity of happy endings involving Catholic husbands/non-Catholic wives, which would be the more relevant scenario for the OP.

I think it’s very natural for the religion of the mother to drive the religious practice of the family.
Click to expand...
We have many mix marriages in our family. The unhappy ones are when the wife is not Catholic.
 
Daddysgirl said:

“I don’t recall the OP going to her church service or reading about her denomination (tho maybe he has and I just didn’t read this bit).”

It sounds like he’s at least willing to go (it sounds like he’s been at least once and wasn’t crazy about it), and he mentions talking at length to her pastor. Neither of them has much respect for the other’s religious practices, which is not great.

I do agree that he should familiarize himself with her denomination and religious beliefs, even just for general knowledge. The US is a Protestant country, so Catholics need to be on their toes and to know as much as is feasible about Protestant denominations, beliefs, and practices. (We live in a very Baptisty area in the Southern US and find it very bracing.) For the future, I would really encourage the OP to read up about the Reformation and Counter Reformation. It’s a fascinating subject.

“She sounds comfortable and sure of her own religion and beliefs does not want to sway from it. I think the OP feels the same way about his, too.”

Yep.

“Does that mean both of them are close-minded? Or passionate and committed to their beliefs?”

Probably both. It’s not either-or.
 
Sorry to just jump in four comment pages later… Obviously, this is something you’re still struggling with, so I figured it wouldn’t hurt.

Just to give you some background, I’m approaching this as a former Protestant who didn’t do much dating until I was older (mid-twenties), and one that got married at the age of 29. My husband and I were still protestants when we got married and came into the Church a couple years later by the drawing of the Holy Spirit.

It sounds to me like the best thing would be to bring things to an end. I know you want to treat her as you would a sister, for she is your sister in Christ; however, it seems to be at the point where this becomes more about doing what is the best for her *because *you love her and less about *tip-toeing to be nice *because you love her. You’re not doing either of you a favor by letting things go on as they are. At the very least, take a break from your relationship and give one another the okay to look elsewhere. You’re both young. Believe me, you are. There is time, and more importantly, God’s timing and his plans for you **will **be the best. This is a real reach for a comparison, but if you’ve got a sick pet that needs to take a pill, wouldn’t you do what you had to help it by making the dog/cat take the pill? They wouldn’t like it, but it’s for their good. Force them to take the pill because you love them; don’t refrain from giving them the pill because you want to save them pain. Maybe it’s for her good and your own to end your relationship, and doing so would be more loving an act than holding yourselves in the relationship and potentially unavailable for something/someone better.

As a former protestant, I have a lot of friends who still are. Two of my friends are best friends with one another, and one is VERY open to talking about Catholicism and asking questions while the other has expressed an attitude that, while not exactly hostile, is extremely disinterested. These are just friends of mine, and yet I’ve been able to deepen my friendship with the one who is more open to discussing and learning about my Catholic faith much more easily than deepening the friendship with the other girl. How much more important would this be in a marriage? VERY.

My husband started going to Mass before I did. I had a lot of hang ups at first, but it was important to us that we do this thing together, so nearly a year after he first started to become interested in converting, we finally took the step to approach the local parish to join RCIA. Why I mention this is that a change had to take place in ME first. I had to open my mind and explore and realize I was interested. It was hard, but eventually I came around because God was drawing me, not because my husband pushed or anything. It will be oh so important for you and your future spouse to have this faith connection. You and your girlfriend may both believe in God, but there are some real differences between how a Presbyterian will approach things and how you as a Catholic will, and you will really need to be able to not only discuss but make decisions that you both agree on as far as church goes. Will your children be raised Catholic? Because if you want to get married by a priest in a Church, that’s going to come up. This is the time to be frank, while you’re only dating, and if she’s as reluctant to be frank now, my opinion is that you both should move on. If a relationship with one another is a part of your future, some time apart should bring clarity. It would need to also bring about change in one or both of you. As a fellow Catholic, I would pray that it would be your current girlfriend that had a change of heart/mind. (As an aside to the idea of change: Don’t EVER get married thinking your spouse will change. This is a very dangerous expectation.)

Please take all that with a grain of salt. From the outside looking in on your situation, the choice seems clear. It’s just a matter of getting up the nerve to make the next move.
 
Only 20 years old? Then you know what the correct decision is. Brace yourself and make it. For her good as well as yours.

It’s dang foolish to let your “one-itis” stop you, that’s your fear in action, your fear of never finding someone like her again. Really foolish fear to have at your age as you still have plenty of time to find the Catholic girl you want in your life. Turn that fear over to the Lord.
 
Eh–I know a lot of people do it, but I’m uncomfortable with the practice of significant others as RCIA sponsors. What happens when, down the road, you get really disenchanted with your husband/wife/RCIA sponsor? I know it sometimes is a necessity, but I would not the dual role as a first option.

Agree. In this Diocese, the practice of sponsoring one’s spouse is greatly discouraged.
Many people convert “for the sake of their spouse” which is the wrong reason.

RCIA Candidates benefit form an objective sponsor on the path.
Someone to answer questions and lead, not one to push along and color their remarks with inside knowledge.
 
pianistclare said:
God will not be pleased that you will walk away from the Sacraments of the Church and His real Presence in the Eucharist for another person. Period.
She has said she will not follow you.
YOU, my friend, must follow the Commandments. YOU must follow Christ.
YOU are a member of Christ’s Church on earth.
Others have died for the faith. DIED.
Click to expand...
When you decided to date a young lady who was actively involved with her church, and loving it, and enjoying friendship and community there, you took on risk.

Now you both are having stronger feelings for each other.
Because she gets upset when you want to gently draw her to Catholicism, out of your feelings for her, you may decide to drop the Catholic part to make her happy. You yourself have put yourself in this place of risk, not God. I see it as a temptation to leave the faith.

Here’s a quick summary of where you differ. It’s frightening really.

The Holy Eucharist. “Unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his Blood, you have no life within you”. The source and summit of our faith.

The ordinary means of being reconciled to God is to be washed by the Blood of the Lamb of God, in confession, to a priest. “Whose sins you retain, they are retained. Whose sins you loose, they are loosed.” Christ died on the Cross to give us this.

Our Blessed Mother. If I was raising children, they would hear all about the stories of our Mother as she has come to us through the centuries, and especially at Fatima to the young children in 1917.

The Rosary. It’s based on scripture and the life of Christ. Protestants run from this, and yet men and women through the centuries have won battles with the Rosary in their hand and become saints. She is the woman who crushes the serpent with her heel.

The Pope and the teaching magisterium of the Church. It’s the Church that has put the scriptures together, kept it through the centuries, and teaches what it actually means. By denying the Catholic Church’s role in the teaching of scripture, we have all kinds of Protestant churches saying they have the ‘truth’. What this has brought mankind is division and confusion. It has weakened our testimony to the world, who desperately needs it.

The saints who have won the battle while here on earth and continue to pray and help us as we go through struggles. What difficulties would be over come without their help? What models would we have without their lives for us to look at, and most importantly, to hold up to our children as they travel this mine field of life?

The Catechism of the Catholic Church. Let’s pause for a moment and look at the nugget of the Cardinal Virtues, the 4 hinges of a virtuous life. Do you know what they are? Have a peak here: catholicism.about.com/od/beliefsteachings/tp/Cardinal_Virtues.htm As a young adult, this is the time that you should be looking at ‘adult’ catechism, and appreciating the treasure we have in the teachings of the Church. This is how you raise children, so that the wisdom of God guides them through life. This would be your roll as a husband and father. I cannot comprehend having a life partner who pushes Catholicism away and gets upset over it. This is the time when you find a life partner that you can explore and make these teachings solid in your life, in your marriage, to make a firm foundation for the raising of a family.

To live a married life with a partner who is on board with all of this should be what you’re looking for. This is why I say that this relationship is a temptation to you, to pull you away from the treasure which is now yours to discover and grow in. This is the grace I wish for you and for all young adults who are considering marriage. The foundation you are currently building is cracking and breaking. This is a time to be sober and use right judgement. God bless and strengthen you today.
 
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