Putting your marital relationship first..?

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carrieloon

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My husband and I have been married for 8.5 yrs with two daughters (4 and 2) and another child on the way. We have a good life but it is unsatisfying to me in one big way.

I feel as if I take care of everyone in this house and there is no one to do the same for me. No one to refresh my spirit at the end of the day.

My husband works very hard at a stressful job and he is very involved in our kids’ lives. At the end of the day, he has nothing left to give me. There is no romance in our lives and we only have a halfway decent sex life because I insist on it and will not let it go by the wayside. It is becoming increasingly harder for me to not feel left out of his life.

He is an exemplary employee, son, father, devoted son of the Church, etc, and he is a great husband in that he helps around the house and would do anything I ask–unless it involves giving himSELF to me. Chores are how he shows his love to me, I guess.

I am tired of being the relationship babysitter in my marriage. I have to keep things alive, I have to make sure that we are more than just parents and co-managers of our lives and make sure that we are still spouses and lovers. He gladly turns this over to me and looks to me for guidance–specifically, he waits until I am mad or resentful that he has ignored me and he takes that as his cue that it is time to do something.

What I am asking for, specifically, is if anyone knows of any Catholic-based relationship books that might be helpful in our situation?
He will only read Catholic literature and most of the religious marital relationship books are Christian but not Catholic and he would completely disregard what they would have to say. He goes to Mass every day and he takes what the Church says very seriously. I think that if there was some sort of “official” word on how to sustain a lifelong marriage, he would fulfill it no matter what.

Part of me is very resentful that he will act instantly on what some anonymous Catholic author has to say on relationships, while ignoring the pleas of his own wife, but at this point I will take whatever help I can get.

Btw, I am Catholic as well, although not as devout as he is. I do not attend daily Mass and I read many things, including non-Catholic authors.

Anybody have any suggestions for me?

Carrie
 
I will make a wild stab here and say that your problem is not so much what your husband isn’t doing but that you are feeling issolated and drained and expecting him to compensate for that. Which would be very hard for anyone, even the best of men, to do.

-D
 
I think you are partially right.

I do not depend on him to bring my happiness home with him when he walks in the door (I was guilty of this in the near past, though) but I DO expect him to have something left over for me at the end of the day. Or in the middle. Or the evening, lol. Something!

I am last on his list, always.

I should point out that I am a cheerful companion and not the typical “stressed out SAHM who is frazzled and testy” towards him. He has an easy life with me.

I am just struggling with the fact that I ask so little of him and he is unwilling to deliver it.

I know I sound whiny and pathetic here and today, I am.

Thanks for the reminder that even good men are not perfect!
 
Well, let’s try it from a different angle. What exactly would you like him to do differently?

Men, in my experiance, have a really hard time with things like “I want you to give more to our relationship.” and have a much easier time with things like “I think we should go out, just us twice a month…how about every other Thursday night, my friend Sally said she will watch the kiddos for us.”

-D
 
I can’t recommend any good books off hand, but can recommend a few tips my wife and I have been using…
  1. One night a week is for the two of you. After the kids are in bed, turn off the TV and play a game or crop pictures or do some other hobby. Schedule it, like any meeting, do not schedule any other activities, etc. This might not be as easy with the older child (our son is only 3 )
  2. Both of you right a bunch of date night ideas (movies, bowling, putt putt, whatever). Make it whatever you want to do. Place the ideas in a hat and periodically draw out an idea and go do it. The key is that, even if the event picked is not something you really would want to do, you give it an honest effort. (For example, he might put fishing or you might put a day at a spa)
We probably stole these from a book or lecture, but can’t recall where. :o
 
A dear friend of mine told me once that her marriage became nearly perfect when she stopped looking to her husband to make her happy, and learned to look only to Christ. After that, everything else fell into place. 🙂
 
My wife and I went throught this same thing at about the same point in our marriage and we had kids about the same age. I found having kids that age to be very stressful. I think it’s very important that you do things together. My wife and I got involved in marriage prep at our Church and writing our talks together really had a positive impact on our marriage. We will be celebrating 16 years this fall.
I can’t really say that I have read any good books that I can recommend but I did hear about one that I have been wanting to buy, maybe others have read it; Love and Responsibility by Karol Wojtyla (Pope John Paul II).
Another thing we found helpful is after we put the kids to bed, instead of having the TV on we would sit in the livingroom and have a cup of tea (or wine if the mood was right) and put on some nice music (our favorite was John Tesh, don’t laugh it suited the mood). This time became very important to us in those years.
 
I don’t know if I can help you much but I’ll try. The first question which gets raised has to do with sex in marriage. I’m just learning now that hubby and I have looked at this in the ‘wrong’ way so far so I’m a bit confused on the ‘right’ way. I’m looking up the Theology of the Body which I’ve seen mentioned on these boards a lot to help me get a better handle on that. Perhaps you should too. It might be a good start.

One of the things I ‘hear’ in your post is your frustration of not having enough intimate evenings with your spouse. Have the two of you learned how to be intimate outside of sex so that the love between you remains alive even in the midst of life pressures? Do you two still date? This is crucial for all marriages, imo, time to go out alone and discuss each other and your relationship or just be together as before - kids, work, family, politics - are not allowed to be discussed on dates.

*I feel as if I take care of everyone in this house and there is no one to do the same for me. No one to refresh my spirit at the end of the day.
*
Boy, do I hear you on this one! Hubby and I are in our 18th year of marriage with two children, 14 and 16. I so remember feeling exactly as you sound here. I too, was feeling resentful. I found myself snapping at hubby and kids, being irritable, on the verge of tears some days. But when I looked at everything that was going on in our family there really wasn’t anything anyone was doing ‘wrong’ - I was just feeling lonely and taken for granted - even though kids hugged me and said thank you all the time and hubby did too - it wasn’t enough.

You may not want to hear this advice, but my peace came from more devotions to Mary. When I started centering on all she gave up to say “yes” to God by agreeing to become a mother then to watch her son suffer and die as he did, my role in my little family became blessed in my own heart and mind. It changes a woman’s perspective to place Mary as a role model for wife and mother. There is so much to learn about how vital our participation is to the cycle of life. Read up on the lessons of Mary - spend some time reading about the apparitions and what she has to say in them. It helped me get out of the ‘what about me?’ cycle I was in and to recognize God’s plan for me was much greater than my own personal need to feel ‘loved’ by those around me.

Yet by working toward making God proud of how I’m doing as a wife and mother, I was able to feel His love, and of Mary every day - and that of my children and husband - something I wasn’t able to notice before. My spirit no longer goes unrefreshed with the rosaries and Divine Mercy chaplets I pray.
 
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darcee:
Well, let’s try it from a different angle. What exactly would you like him to do differently?

Men, in my experiance, have a really hard time with things like “I want you to give more to our relationship.” and have a much easier time with things like “I think we should go out, just us twice a month…how about every other Thursday night, my friend Sally said she will watch the kiddos for us.”

-D
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Darcee, I had to chuckle at that because even though you are 100% correct, I can so remember being even MORE resentful when someone gave me that advice many years ago. Once again, it was up to ME to find a good day/evening to get together, to arrange for child care, to pick the activity. It’s like shopping for my own birthday present, paying for it, wrapping it up and then handing to my hubby to give to me - oh, but with a sticky note posted to it as to what day he should do that. 😛

I finally let go of all the resentment and accepted the fact that it just is the woman’s role to keep the fires burning. I have a wonderful, loving, supportive husband - I had no real reason to blame him for my low self esteem at the time (you know, that time when your body is out of shape from giving birth and worn out from keeping up with all the diapers/feedings/playtime/housekeeping).

Once I accepted the responsibility I got the rewards of my efforts. Hubby and I do date regularly and we also have family dates with the kids because school/work really keep us apart - even under the same roof. It really has been nice to have those evenings set aside for just us.
 
Thank you all for your replies! I am so delighted with this forum so far.

Yes, I am a very outspoken person and make sure when dealing with my husband that nothing is vague, or left for him to figure out. So I will say specifically, I want to play a game of cards tonight.

I will also take the lead and plan dates out; I have no problem being the take charge person.

I suppose the problem is that I feel that if I am not taking charge and making sure that our relationship is not put on the back burner, that he will gladly put it there. He participates in those things that he feels “up” for and leaves the rest. There is very little that he is up for, btw. I get the impression that he wants me desperately for a companion (he loves me fiercely; that is one thing I am not disputing) but he has little inclination to make time for me as his WIFE.

We do not watch TV together so thankfully that is not an issue! I know for a lot of couples, one or the other or both cannot drag themselves away from the boob tube and that makes things hard for their life together.

I think you could boil our life down to this: Given the choice between spending time with me and sleeping, my H will choose sleep every single time. He gets up very early (partly so that he can attend Mass before work starts at 7 am) so he goes to bed no later than 9.
We get our children in bed by 8:30 or so and so there is virtually no time that I can get him to carve out, just for us. (at 8:30 he gets in the shower and prepares for bed)

I happen to think that this “us” time is essential for the health of our marriage. He thinks as long as we love each other, all will be well.

Thank you for the date suggestions. I suppose I just need to accept that he will not ever be the one making me feel desirable as a wife and just continue on making dates and INSISTING that our marital relationship is a priority. I feel myself getting resentful today of the fact that I am singlehandedly doing this, while he reaps all the benefits of our really good marriage.

I want to be desired and romanced and made to feel special, too! He gets all the goodies in life, LOL!

Thanks for listening all.

Btw, I know that my husband feels very overwhelmed by our lives these days. I really and truly try to be understanding of this and I rarely complain and whine as I am today.
We actually have a role reversal going on in our marriage, where I act more like the husband in this regard and he acts more like the wife. (note: I am not manly and he is not feminine, I am just pointing out that we do not interact in a typical way in this one aspect of our marriage!)
 
Oh and we own the Love and Responsibility book; I read it and thought it was absolutely wonderful (really, anything the Holy Father writes is just so beautiful and profound) but he didn’t read it, as of yet. (we have had the book approx two yrs) We have also attended the Christopher West “Good News about Sex and Marriage” seminar and have his book as well. This is great for all married couples. We really enjoyed this one.

I have been searching for a book that addresses how to keep the love alive in a Catholic marriage. I even told my husband that if I don’t find one soon, I am going to write it myself!

Someday you might all be wanting my autograph. 😉
 
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carrieloon:
I have been searching for a book that addresses how to keep the love alive in a Catholic marriage. I even told my husband that if I don’t find one soon, I am going to write it myself!

Someday you might all be wanting my autograph. 😉
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I look forward to it. 👍
 
Not a book, but I would recommend a Marriage Encounter weekend retreat. (I would recommend this weekend to any couple who wants to make their good marriage better)
:love:
 
Hey great idea!

I think that he would like it and it would make a great impact on him. I also think that the suggestion to turn it over to Mary was an excellent one.
I don’t know that I’m fully ready to do that yet, though. I think to do that, one has to be ready to ditch the resentment entirely and right now it provides too much comfort to me. (ok, I am kidding about that last part, but what is it about women wanting to hold on to things for an eternity??!)

I just want him to stop waiting around for: the bills to be paid off, the kids in bed early, the lawn mowed, the floor creaks fixed, the cars waxed, his job to give him a whopper raise, the weather to be pleasant and his energy to be at an optimum level for it to be deemed a worthy time to concentrate on US.
There IS no perfect time, so you just take what ya get, is my thinking on it.

And, yes, that means forcing himself to stay awake.

After all, I try very hard to NOT get into the all too common trap of being only a mother and blowing off my duties as a wife…but the pull to do just that becomes stronger as I feel myself being ignored by him. My children are a great source of comfort and love to me but I’d really hate it if they were my PRIMARY source of these things.

Alright, that does it. I’m off to write my book.
😉
 
Hi! I seem to have arrived at this thread a little late. You must have touched a nerve, with so many posts in so little time! Anyway, I appreciate all the positive, encouraging posts above as well as the little fellowship you’ve developed here. I do have one suggestion for a book. Your husband won’t read it, since it is Christian but not Catholic, but I have found it to suggest a fascinating way of understanding my relationship with my husband. It is called The Five Love Languages; How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, by Gary Chapman. Its premise is that we have within us specific ways of giving and receiving love. The main purpose is for us to learn to “speak” our spouses’ love language. However, it might help you to learn to receive love in your husband’s love language. The way you describe your relationship sounds like this might be one issue. One other thought I have that is hard for me to apply, so maybe I have no business suggesting it, but I like all the posts about finding other ways to refresh your spirit. All the ideas about finding ways to spend time with your husband are important, but with him and 2 kids it can be difficult to set aside time for your own devotions and even go on a retreat once in a while. If this is something you haven’t done, you might put yourself on your calendar.

Ellen
 
Just two suggestions that may work well with such a devout husband.

1.) Pray together for strength in your “married life.” If you both acknowledge his stress is part of the problem, then praying togther may help him feel less burned by the full weight.

2.) Go see a priest. Some people may not be comfortable with this, but they are there for us in ALL aspects of our life, and that includes sex.

And one personal question…you mentioned a child on the way. Could your current state have anything to do with this situation. I found myself more “wanting” while later in my pregnancy, while my husband was less. Not that he did not find me desireable, he was just wearing himself out helping prepare for the baby and worrying. Just a thought.

🙂 Lilder
 
😃 And I thought I was the only wife who has to chase her husband around begging…

My husband is definitely way less interested in the marital embrace than I am. It does hurt my feelings because I think I am still attractive(other men look) but I would only want HIM to think so…I love him so much and I want to show him.
My husband has sleep apnea so he definitely doesn’t sleep very good and neither do I as a result.
Does your husband snore very loudly, cough and choke and snort?
If yes, he could be sleep deprived which lowers men’s desire greatly.
My husband has a C-PAP machine which is like O2 mask that blows air into his airway at night. Lately, his nose has been stuffed up so he can’t wear it. There is a marked difference in his behavior, temper and attitude.
I just wanted you to know that other wives deal with this too so you are not alone!
Love in Jesus,
Shelby Grace
 
Has anyone thought to ask you if your husband has been checked out by his doctor lately? It could be hormone levels could be affecting his desires. It happens to women and men. Just a thought. Will be praying for you.
 
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