Putting your marital relationship first..?

[mariadevotee]

Carrie, You have gotten lots of good advice and I thought I would add my 2 cents worth.
You need a regular prayer life–and I would start by praying the rosary together every night, at the same time, every night. We pray it with our children on our bed. If the children fall asleep, ok. Also they each lead a decade. I know your children are younger than mine, but they could hold their own rosary and snuggle up to you and their Dad. At the first Our Father when we pray for the intentions of the Holy Father, we also include our own intentions, listing them out loud. I find out what is on their minds, by their intentions. Also it soothes us all for sleep. Your husband could take his shower after that while you are getting the children to sleep. Everyone feels softer and more loving after a rosary.
I wonder if you married a really private person. Some people are just like that by nature, they are not comfortable revealing themselves. There is not much you can do to change his basic nature.You may be asking for something he cannot give. You need to love him for what he IS giving- hard work, stable home regular income allowing you to stay home with the babies, you can be sure that he is praying for you at mass each day. I assume that you are not practicing artificial birth control (when you are not pregnant!) as that is a solid barrier to the total gift of self that the marital embrace is made for.

I really think that some of the frustration and isolation that you feel is a factor of the ages of your children. I promise, it does get better as they get older. In the mean time, a regular ‘date night’ is very important, even tho it is lots of trouble to find a babysitter and plan it and go.
Pray often for Mary to help you, she has a mother’s heart and knows your hurt. I will pray for you , too.

 

[another_John]

Hi, I need more help to understand the rosary more but for you to understand the details of my questions this thread of the the Catholic forums is were i posted it forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?p=102467 Please click on the link if you come across this. I need all the opinions or answers I can get. I know about the rosary but have some questions about it. Thank you for taking time to read this.

 

[carrieloon]

Thank you all for your advice and prayers.

I have to say that these feelings started to surface strongly in me way before I even conceived our first child. So I think that the kids have exacerbated the problem but they are NOT the original problem. Our sex life and intimacy in general between us had deteriorated a full year before we even tried to conceive.

So I do understand that a lot of the frustration I feel is simply the time frame of our lives–but not all of it.
My husband, in the beginning, was so zealous over his reawakening as a Catholic that he was willing to leave me behind, both physically and emotionally. I believe that he struggled a lot at this time over whether his chosen vocation was the correct one.
Eventually we had our kids and he settled into a routine where he was a little better than before, but now the kids were his main focus in life. In other words, he has a serious problem creating balance in his life. He is getting better, but honestly I have to be the one to haul him back to reality. He depends on me for this (has even told me so) and sometimes it is just a burden that I do not want. It is hard enough maintaining balance in my own life, let alone being his caretaker and ‘nagging’ him back into a more balanced life, where I at least have a showing in the top 3 priorities of his life.

I do feel the tide shifting though. I feel myself getting closer to my faith (a year ago, I wouldn’t have even visited this site let alone be completely enthralled with it) and that, in turn, is drawing him closer to me. Just as it should be and just as it was designed.
I had been so bitter over being abandoned and made to question whether my husband wanted to be my husband or a priest (who wants to feel shaky about this? Don’t we ALL want the security of knowing that our marriages are til death do us part…not til H decides he wants to pursue the religious life?) that I couldn’t get closer to God. I was too angry.
But as I see the changes in my husband, all the excuses for not getting closer are being shown to be just that–excuses. It feels good to be able to share more of these things with him, because this is his number one priority in life–his faith.

I think another factor is the more kids we have, the more he instinctively draws towards me. This is a good thing! When we only had one child, it was quite easy for him to devote 100% of his ‘home’ time to her and ignore me–which he did. Now that we have more and more rugrats this is becoming not only impossible but undesirable. Cause after all, to give 100% of yourself to each child would leave you with quite a deficit at the end of the evening!

I have high hopes for reading the Greg Popcak book together. I hope that hearing that it is normal and even necessary to devote time solely to each other (instead of your priorities looking something like this: Church, Job, Kids, Sleep). Not a LOT of time, cause we don’t have it!, but you must make your spouse a priority and that is not negotiable in my home. If I can do it, while being a SAHM to two little kids and all the stuff they entail such as nursing, diapers, etc, then he can too.
I have high hopes and thank you all!

 

[YinYangMom]

I have to be the one to haul him back to reality. He depends on me for this (has even told me so) and sometimes it is just a burden that I do not want. It is hard enough maintaining balance in my own life, let alone being his caretaker and ‘nagging’ him back into a more balanced life
**
Boy, do I hear you on that one! Remember, I’ve got three ADDers in my house so I’m constantly being the stabilizing force in our home, and yes, I grow weary at times.

*I had been so bitter over being abandoned and made to question whether my husband wanted to be my husband or a priest (who wants to feel shaky about this? Don’t we ALL want the security of knowing that our marriages are til death do us part…not til H decides he wants to pursue the religious life?) that I couldn’t get closer to God. I was too angry. *

Wow, Carrie, that says a lot, it honestly does. I can empathize with your anger, resentment and insecurity over his choice of vocation (marriage over the priesthood).

I feel myself getting closer to my faith (a year ago, I wouldn’t have even visited this site let alone be completely enthralled with it) and that, in turn, is drawing him closer to me. Just as it should be and just as it was designed.

And this, as you are beginning to see, is probably the key. As you grow closer to your faith, perspective will continue to change for you, and he will see the change in you which will in turn help him connect with you on a spiritual level.

Mary is my role model as she gets me through the most weary days. Reflecting on her life, the situation she was in, the way she handled her situation, accepted her role as wife, mother, and den mother to the apostles (at least that’s how I imagine it to be) helps me keep perspective of my daily highs and lows. Those rosaries are a true blessing, a source of energy and peace. Trust in them and let her into your heart.

Good luck to you. I look forward to hearing from you again after you’ve gone through that book together.