Putting your marital relationship first..?

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Yin,
You have given me so much to think about, I don’t even know where to start!
I have never thought of my husband as having ADD (although I have always described him as “hyper”) because he wasn’t a textbook case. But the behavioral symptoms you described fit him to such a tee that really I am astounded as I write.
I am certain that if he does have this, that it is not serious enough for drugs or even therapy. But, as you said, it would give me a whole new perspective on how to deal with him, what to expect from him, how to work around it, basically!
Since reading that yesterday, I have felt more hopeful than I have in a while. I am not really a person to “diagnose” others, even my kids, just so you know that I am not grasping at straws here. 🙂

I know that he does put me on his “list” but I also know that he has no problems with scratching me right back off that list if it gets too late.
I hate feeling as if I am one more duty, but the way you explained how your husband thinks and operates makes me think of it in a whole different light–and it feels much less personal this way! I will present this to him and see what he thinks. He is such a hilarious person that he will no doubt make it as positive as it could possibly be.

Regarding the affection, no, he is very affectionate and we are affectionate in front of our kids.
The example I gave was that I suggested sex before the kids were in bed. That is what would horrify him. He does not like to think about, plan or otherwise have any inkling of sex until they are completely out for the night. Which I understand but the reality of our lives is that right now they go to bed about 8:45 and he goes to bed about 9:00. That does not give either of us much time to really relish the thought of being together or plan for it.
And anyone who has little kids (or has ever had them) knows that unless you plan for it and make it a priority in your life, it will continue to fade and become unimportant.
I guess I just find all of his “rules” restrictive and not very attractive, if you want to know the truth. I can’t mention it or flirt with him or anything beyond plain affection or it freaks him out.
It would probably also be helpful for folks to think of ME as the typical guy in the relationship and him the woman. Although neither of us really like *that *characterization for obvious reasons, LOL!
Physical touch is definitely my love language.

When it comes to sex, he wants it to happen naturally but not make it a “duty” in his life. (which I really don’t want either, after all, I am a normal woman and we are all pretty much alike–I can’t see any sane woman wanting her man to view sex with her as a duty)
But from what you wrote about spontaneity I can see perfectly why it doesn’t always happen. Spontaneous is absolutely the last word you would use to describe him, and yet he wants this (very important) area of our lives to be spontaneous. As I said, you have given me so much good food for thought.

Thank you.
 
Last night I decided to go out for a while, which is a big departure for me.

I am a stay at home mother and spend the vast majority of my time at home with my kids, morning noon and night. I really don’t mind this, and it doesn’t drive me nuts to the extent that it does some others I have known. Nevertheless I sometimes have a hard time seeing when I just need to get away and when it truly is a MARITAL problem.
Last night, I decided to take Ellen Marie’s advice from up above and schedule in some time for myself. It felt great! I got dressed up and left and today I feel refreshed, although not much has been resolved on the marital front.
I still need him to make our relationship a priority in his life and I do not know if he will ever do this but for the moment I feel better simply because I DID something and taking control feels good sometimes!

Thank you for the suggestion.
Now if I can just swallow my pride and resentment and plan some dates for us, we might be moving to a better place. I just feel hopeless at times because I can plan the dates but I can’t make him feel passion for me. Or excitement at the thought of being with just me.

Wish me luck in ditching my bad attitudes and getting back on track.
 
Dear carrieloon,

I didn’t read through the entire thread, so i hope this isn’t repetitive. 🙂

A few weeks ago, I was wathcing an archived broadcast of bishop Fulton Sheen’s TV program on EWTN. He was comparing and contrasting three different loves, which he referred to as: romantic love, scientific love, and christian love. He parodied proposals from each type of love and explained how thier fruits would work in a married relationship. Romantic love seeks what the other can do for yourself: passions, emotions, feelings. That ‘crush sensation’ the servie the other can render ot our pleasure and needs. Scientific love evaluates the two persons, and sees a benefitial match based on economics, genetics, etc.

Christian love is all about “what can i do for the other person.” In Christian courtship and marriage, he contended, each individual seeks ways to help thier spouse.

Perhaps your call is ot keep lovingly helping him, and helping awaken him to the ways he can best help you. As you work to serve your husband, he should see his duty ot best serve you. Maybe talk aobut how you cna best help perfect each other.
 
As a father of 3 kids under age 6, working a full time & part time job to allow my wife to be at home at least during the early years of our kids, I know what a challenge it can be to manage all the competing demands of marriage & family. A resource that I have found useful for Catholic men in their marriage vocation is St. Joseph’s Covenant Keeprs for online resources @ www.dads.org. You can click on Catalogue–>Brouse Catalogue–>then select either family or marriage resources. I found the resources at this site to be orthodox and very pratical. I am currently reading “Time Management for Catholics” by Dave Durand, which is helping me to better refine my priorities and how I allocate my time & resource in a way that is most pleasing to God.

As a bye the way observation of myself and other men, it seems that many/most guys take critical (name removed by moderator)ut better from other men…just a quirk of our masculine nature?

God Bless!
 
Felra,
He is already a member of that organization! How funny that so many people can “peg” what things would appeal to him just from a description.
We have the tapes that Steve Wood made; I think it is a 7 part series?
H has watched all of them at the meetings at our parish and I have watched half of them later at home with him. They were very good.

I also liked the post about helping him. Honestly I do. I am usually a very giving person and want him to succeed at being a husband. The past few days I have just been so fed up with having to repeat myself every couple of weeks or so. I want to just say it and be done!

I do have a good understanding of what mature love is. I don’t hold any illusions about returning to our honeymoon days or anything like that. In addition, I have read extensively what our Church says about love and marriage and agree wholeheartedly.

Having said that, I absolutely refuse to give up on having passion in my marriage. I don’t want to be his companion and mother to his children, only. I want the fullness of the relationship–I want the whole enchilada!
And the irony of the situation is that I know he feels that when we are going after the entire enchilada, that we are happier and more fulfilled and our marriage is the strongest that it can be. The trick is in keeping that feeling GOING and not getting lazy and/or selfish.

Oh and SavedbyHim, I am so glad you got the book too! We can be reading buddies…
🙂

Take care…
 
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carrieloon:
he helps around the house and would do anything I ask–unless it involves giving himSELF to me. Chores are how he shows his love to me, I guess.I am tired of being the relationship babysitter in my marriage. I have to keep things alive, I have to make sure that we are more than just parents and co-managers of our lives and make sure that we are still spouses and lovers. He gladly turns this over to me and looks to me for guidance–specifically, he waits until I am mad or resentful that he has ignored me and he takes that as his cue that it is time to do something.
Part of me is very resentful that he will act instantly on what some anonymous Catholic author has to say on relationships, while ignoring the pleas of his own wife, but at this point I will take whatever help I can get. Btw, I am Catholic as well, although not as devout as he is. I do not attend daily Mass and I read many things, including non-Catholic authors. Anybody have any suggestions for me?

Carrie
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Honey: Sounds like you have a good man, first of all. He works hard, etc…YOU have to do a few things to take care of you. What are your interests? Pursue them! Don’t give up on life! There is SO much joy out there for YOU–you need to seek it! Don’t look to a book to fulfill you—go out and conquor life sister in Christ!
 
I just wanted to put in a little plug for the Sophia Institute. I went to their website to look up the “Do you love me?” pamphlet, as suggested by LauraL.

When I called to order it, the man answering the phone said he would just mail it to me for free! Isn’t that wonderful.

Thank you all for your heartfelt advice; I feel so much better just in taking the small steps that I have taken and in talking to my husband the last few days.

God bless all of you!
 
Carrieloon, it seems like you’re:

a) pursuing your husband ardently.

b) trying to convince him of his moral obligation to make time for your relationship.

I don’t watch Dr. Phil, but I have to steal his line…“How’s that working for ya?”

Maybe you’ll find a tape or pamphlet that leads to the immediate results you’re looking for. Even so, in the long run, I can’t imagine it would make you feel all that much better about yourself or your relationship. :o

If you ever find yourself interested in other approaches, you might look for a book by Michelle Wiener-Davis, called “A Woman’s Guide to Changing Her Man: Without His Even Knowing It.” The title is humorous. It’s really about a systems-based approach to relationships. According to systems theory, if one person in a relationship changes, then the whole system changes, so the other person will naturally change as well.
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sparkle:
YOU have to do a few things to take care of you. What are your interests? Pursue them! Don’t give up on life! There is SO much joy out there for YOU–you need to seek it!
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This is actually a great example of the above approach. Let’s say you were to stop pursuing your husband altogether, and start doing other things that make you happy. Well, he just might turn around and start pursuing *you/]. People are funny that way. Especially men. 🙂

One last thing… Since you’ve implied that there might be some sex-role reversal in your marriage, I’d suggest “Fascinating Womanhood” by Helen Andelin, a Protestant writer. (I think someone on the “Dr. Laura” thread also recommended it.) I have to warn you, though, the book is kind of cheesy and over the top in places. Someone on Amazon.com called it a “Stepford Wife Handbook,” and I’m inclined to agree. 😛 Still, taken with a grain of salt, it can be a valuable antidote to the prevailing trends of our society. 🙂

God bless,
Mrs. R*
 
Actually I do not really pursue my husband at all.
Here is my approach: I have stated my needs and wishes for the marriage in clear and concise language. Then I do my part by being a kind and wonderful spouse 😉 and he can either meet my needs, or not. It is ultimately his choice.
I try to make it as easy as possible (that is, I am not an ice queen towards him) for him to do so, but I do not have infinite patience and it sometimes runs out. You helpful people have been witness to me at my worst and most demanding, but this is not normally how I am.

I have read that very book you mentioned! It was a good one, too, highly recommend to anyone out there, and I also still use many of the techniques in the book.

The Fascinating Womanhood book has me intrigued! I will go check it out. Btw, I don’t read books in order to change him; I’d read them anyway. I am a voracious reader. Now if it is a book that HE would enjoy as well or one that we could read together, well, that is not really trying to *change *him, is it? 😃 Yes I realize I am pushing the line with that one…

I agree, too, with the getting a life of my own. It is SO unrealistic at this point, but where there’s a will there’s a way.
He is very supportive of me in all my endeavors so that will not be a problem. Being in general a more fulfilled person will go a long way towards feeling better about my marriage and life. Although I can say with certainty that it will not replace the feeling of my husband having passion and desire for me–it will merely make it more tolerable if he doesn’t.

Thanks for your thoughts! I’ll let you know what I think of the Stepford reviews…🙂
 
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carrieloon:
Mike,
Thank you for your response.

Some of it confused me, though. I am hoping you can clarify it for me. I hope this comes off with the right “tone”, you never know with the internet.

What I gathered from your post is that a wife should show deference and respect to her husband and that it is THIS quality which makes her appealing in his eyes.

…
Do I respect my husband? Yes, unequivocally. Do I tell him this and show appreciation, both verbal and non? Yes. Do I cut him down or demean him? Absolutely not.
…
Well, I got off on a tangent there. I will look into those references that you cited, Mike, and thanks for responding!

Carrie
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It’s definitely, not just that (underlined) by itself! :rotfl: She was a slender, modestly dressed, beautiful woman of marriageable age, sitting on a picnic blanket in a long dress, off alone with preppie boyfriend in the woods somewhere (trust). She also looked a bit like my sister (I’ve recently discovered that most of the ladies who were big crushes for me, bear a strong resemblance to relatives on my mother’s side of the family; their faces and figures look just like cousins or aunts or great grandmother, one just like mom at the same age, and inold family photos that only came to light recently, well after the events. 😃 ) Smooth dancing is great, too!

Little things like modest feminine clothes, or shoes, softer (just natural) speech, taking hold of my arm when were walking together, holding hands, just a hug, and especially trust demonstrated, or allowing simple courtesies like opening a door, or ordering a meal, helping with a coat or tucking a chair, With some women, all of the above are a battle, and added to the constant barrage of anti-male commentary from the media, it’s hard not to take it personally.

On a date, I’m responsible for a girl with my very life, as I would be in marriage, but instead of expecting protection, women act like they expect the worst. (Choir and altar boy here!)

The husband’s authority is defined precisely in Castii Connubii
which you’ll find in the Politics “feminism” thread where I put together all the key quotes for a different purpose. What is crucial, is that you be sincere; it’s got to be real, from the heart and soul, by the grace of the Holy Spirit.

When I read Vanauken’s story ( only tiny conclusion part is) below, it connected immediately in my mind with the hard teaching in Ephesians Chapter 5, which is what the story is about ( or the same idea in Corinthians ). I’ve only put the conclusion; there’s a lot more detail in the stories.

Important: while your comment is somewhat correct, it definitely adds to the appeal, the real surprise is that this is ALSO very true: HER obedience makes HIM appealing in HER eyes.

forums.catholic-questions.org/showpost.php?p=75460&postcount=3

I would never suggest any more than the Church itself teaches, and my observations are based on my experience (very limited) and couples I have known. The Vanauken story is in this post

forums.catholic-questions.org/showpost.php?p=84087&postcount=48

Don’t worry if he desn’t share. This is his area of responsibility. It would make sense to pray the Rosary (5 decades, reading Scriptural descriptions as meditations) together daily as a family, and that has in the past brought me closer to friends. On the other hand I think personal prayer time is important, too; how else will he ask God to help him in the many ways he feels he has failed you. He may want God to help you in ways he might not be comfortable sharing with you.
 
Yin,

Hi, I was wondering you could recommend some ADD reading for me, either a website or a book, I would appreciate it!

I have been doing lots of thinking and talking with H about our marriage and priorities and goals. Goals for our marriage, that is.

Things seem to be getting better as we mutually agreed upon what and where our priorities should be and are committed to working towards that. He is also making a huge effort to be my lover, in addition to all the other roles he plays around here! He is a great man, really just the best.

I have been thinking off and on about the ADD thing. I am not one to jump to conclusions or diagnose people, so I need to really read on it and have him read it as well. He sure fit your description to a tee and for the first time I can see what a struggle it would be for him to live the way I have been asking him to live if this is the case. All this time, I have been focused on thinking that he is just withholding, etc, and maybe it is time to consider something else!

Thanks for everything,

Carrie
 
Carrieloon,

Sorry it took so long for me to respond…I got busy in other threads 😛

My ADHD reference materials are at home, however, I found much of it on the internet back in the late 80s. When you search the net just be wary of the source of any articles…I do find that those sponsored by the pharmaceutical companies can be a bit misleading. And those by the ‘natural health’ organizations too critical. But if you narrow it down to medical papers and the like, then you get a better scientific less-biased picture.

This is a good place to start: mentalhelp.net/poc/center_index.php?id=3
Clicking on the links in the grey sections takes you further into their presentation and it seemed rather balanced. It even has a test for adult ADHD: mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=974&cn=3 and reviewing the questions myself, it should give a good indication of whether or not it’s worth visiting a psychologist for further analysis/diagnosis. I remember when my husband and I were researching ADD the first time and we came across a similar test - how we literally laughed out loud when going through the questions because it was so obvious the test was describing him to a T! What a difference it made for me to be able to understand him and my children so much better.

I tried the natural remedy stuff - diet, herbs, etc. without success. Yes, I believe in some cases it can be utilized but it takes a lot of discipline, focus and structure to pull it off. With 3 in my household of 4 having the condition…I would have gone insane with so much structure and for my kids, it is near impossible for the little ones to maintain focus to control their symptoms in school. That’s just asking too much of them.

My hubby and I try to avoid medication dependency as much as possible…we were disheartened with the diagnosis knowing we would then be faced with the decision to medicate or not. Our decision was to medicate through their basic educational years (1-12) while introducing some of the more natural approaches as they mature, with the hope that by the time they get to college they can develop a system which works for them. In the primary grades we used the medication for school only…not putting them on it during the weekends or on holiday breaks - especially summer.

Since hormones though, they both recognized the need to be on it 7 days a week. Fortunately Concerta is available now which is time released and not as addictive as Ritalin so we are more comfortable with that. Because the teen years are more social my kids rely on the medication to keep them balanced. They have a good circle of friends who have been honest with them about how irritating and annoying their behavior is when not on meds.

Hubby did not realize he was add until the kids were diagnosed. I should note, also, that my son’s is more like my husband’s, while my daughter’s is different. She has this oppositional disorder component to hers which makes her counter whatever anyone says without wanting to. We can always tell when she’s forgotten her meds because you can say “Wow what a lovely red sunset today” and she’ll instantly reply “No it’s not. It’s red-orange.” :rolleyes: ADHD comes in all flavors, I’ve learned 😛

As mentioned before, my husband is able to ‘function’ somewhat ‘normally’ through meditation, subliminal tapes, routine, and exercise…and, most important, he is in a profession which is compatible with his ADD symptoms. He has 3 masters degrees and a doctorate degree - all earned without medication - and that is where we get our hope that someday our children will be able to be drug free.
 
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carrieloon:
My husband and I have been married for 8.5 yrs with two daughters (4 and 2) and another child on the way. We have a good life but it is unsatisfying to me in one big way.
I feel as if I take care of everyone in this house and there is no one to do the same for me. No one to refresh my spirit at the end of the day.My husband works very hard at a stressful job and he is very involved in our kids’ lives. At the end of the day, he has nothing left to give me. There is no romance in our lives and we only have a halfway decent sex life because I insist on it and will not let it go by the wayside. It is becoming increasingly harder for me to not feel left out of his life.He is an exemplary employee, son, father, devoted son of the Church, etc, and he is a great husband in that he helps around the house and would do anything I ask–unless it involves giving himSELF to me. Chores are how he shows his love to me, I guess.I am tired of being the relationship babysitter in my marriage. I have to keep things alive, I have to make sure that we are more than just parents and co-managers of our lives and make sure that we are still spouses and lovers. He gladly turns this over to me and looks to me for guidance–specifically, he waits until I am mad or resentful that he has ignored me and he takes that as his cue that it is time to do something.What I am asking for, specifically, is if anyone knows of any Catholic-based relationship books that might be helpful in our situation?He will only read Catholic literature and most of the religious marital relationship books are Christian but not Catholic and he would completely disregard what they would have to say. He goes to Mass every day and he takes what the Church says very seriously. I think that if there was some sort of “official” word on how to sustain a lifelong marriage, he would fulfill it no matter what. Part of me is very resentful that he will act instantly on what some anonymous Catholic author has to say on relationships, while ignoring the pleas of his own wife, but at this point I will take whatever help I can get.
Btw, I am Catholic as well, although not as devout as he is. I do not attend daily Mass and I read many things, including non-Catholic authors.Anybody have any suggestions for me?
Carrie
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Hi Carrie:

Why would your hubby only read “Catholic” literature? So what if many good books on relationships are Christian --not Catholic. Catholics ARE Christians. And a Christian marriage is what the Lord desires for all of us!!! This makes me a bit sad he looks at it only this way Carrie~~~ I’m sure it does you too~~just as some Fundamental Protestants would never consider anything from a “Catholic” bookstore! LOL. I know some of those!!!

I have found a very helpful book for us is one in which we read every night before bed called “Moments Together for Couples” by Dennis and Barbara Rainey. It’s wonderful!!! You can get it at your local Christian bookstore! It has really helped our marriage so much I can’t even tell you!!! Try to get it and read it together–your marriage will be so blessed~~~~

Your Friend~~
 
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carrieloon:
Anybody have any suggestions for me?

Carrie
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Yes, The book For Better… Forever by Gregory Popcak is great. Also, go to www.dads.org and go to the Catalog and choose Marriage Resources.

Good luck.
 
Yin,

Thank you so very much for taking the time to post this info.

I don’t really know what to think after reading the quiz. It doesn’t seem to ME that he has this condition, but I have sent it to him and asked him to take it. We’ll see!
His father is literally a textbook case, as are two of his siblings–one male and one female. The female has serious signs of oppositional defiant disorder but the sad thing is that she is 41 yrs old and would never consent to getting any form of help. Kudos to you for tackling this right away with your children–what a MUCH happier life they will have because of it! I look at H’s brother and sister, as well as his father, and I can’t really say they are happy people…at all.
It is very sad. And so much of this is due to how they approach human interactions–this naturally affects their jobs, their relationships with family members, just overall their ability to be successful in LIFE.

My husband is on the move all the time and his thoughts are always racing, but I don’t know if that necessarily points to ADD, kwim?
If I had to characterize his number one problem with life in general I would say an inability to set appropriate boundaries. He is either giving in WAY too much with our kids or giving me WAY too little. He feels intensely guilty over things; he uses anger to compensate instead of just setting a boundary and not beating himself up over it. I don’t know that I am explaining this all that well–it’s hard to explain a complex human being in a few sound bites on a bb.

So I’ll keep you posted with what he says!

Sparkle,
I have no idea why he won’t read any non-Catholic material. I am sure that, on some level, he knows this is crazy but at the same time he can’t get the thought out of his head that he is somehow being unfaithful to the Catholic church. I just let him be and have hope that he will someday become a more well rounded person!

Thanks for all your thoughts!

Carrie
 
Glad I could help, Carrie…

Even if he isn’t ADD…being raised in a family of ADDers had to have had some affect on how he came to view the world, perhaps he picked up some of the tendencies as ‘normal’…who knows.

He really sounds like a wonderful man and that there just needs to be more communication and understanding between the two of you, but you’ve taken very important steps to work on that so I trust all will be well.

My hubby’s family still denies my children inherited their ADD from their son. I’m certain they believe they got it from me. 😛 It cracks me up, because you can go down my hubbie’s entire family line - siblings, cousins, uncles…and it’s so darn obvious…but to them - that was normal. And yes, not many of them are happy people. They are often misunderstood and they have such tempers, but for them it’s always the other person’s fault that disagreements pop up, or marriages fail, or jobs get lost.

As you’ve noted, just entertaining the idea of perhaps a condition contributing to how your husband responds to various situation has opened a new window for you to view him through, and that has helped. Sharing that possibility with your husband has opened his mind a bit too and that will help with whatever step you two take next to keep working on this.

The point is, you are working on it - together - and with faith. Do you realize what a major deal that is?? You are truly blessed. I will certainly keep you in my prayers.
 
Thank you Yin!

He took the online test and scored very, very low. I believe it was a 25, which technically classifies him as “borderline, needing more information” or something like that, but a 0-24 was a “non-ADD” person so I don’t think he has this condition.

I have of course known about the symptoms of ADD (who doesn’t!) and never thought they really applied to him. Your description of a person who is so structured and un-spontaneous and on the go was the first thing I have ever read that fit him to a tee. So perhaps it is as you say: Being raised and surrounded by ADD family members affected how he does things, looks at things and approaches life but he technically does not suffer from it. Which I am glad about!
I will continue to look into it a bit more and talk to him about it, but my current gut feeling is that he has problems prioritizing and creating balance in his life, in light of his overall personality (which has ADD traits). Does that make sense?!

Here are the main factors in the (admittedly slight) problems are marriage faces:
  1. Our little kids
  2. His stressful job
  3. His insistence on daily Mass no matter the cost
  4. My pregnancy
These things all add up to one overloaded man who cannot find or make the time to devote anything to his wife, other than a sleepy “goodnight”.

Well, tomorrow is another day and I’m sure it will hold its own joys and challenges!

Thank you for everything and God bless you and yours!
 
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carrieloon:
Chores are how he shows his love to me, I guess.
…
What I am asking for, specifically, is if anyone knows of any Catholic-based relationship books that might be helpful in our situation?
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Dear Carrie,

Sorry I did not read the whole thread as it is very long, so someone else might’ve said this already. I read this great book that I think will help your situation. It is written by a Christian Protestant, so it’s not Catholic as you requested, however I think it will greatly help you and your husband understand each other better.

It’s called The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, by Gary Chapman. It’s good not just for marriages, but for all relationships in general. Here’s a link: amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1881273156/qid=1090167536/sr=8-1/ref=pd_ka_1/104-3320353-9134357?v=glance&s=books&n=507846

You said chores are how he shows his love to you. This probably means that he shows love through acts of service. There are five different ways (“languages”) of showing love to others that are outlined in this book, and acts of service is one of them. Reading this will help you identify how he’s showing love to you, and how you can love him better. It will also show him how you show love and how he can love you better.

My prayers are with you. God bless,
Lily628
 
The Rigbys:
Since you’ve implied that there might be some sex-role reversal in your marriage, I’d suggest “Fascinating Womanhood” by Helen Andelin, a Protestant writer. (I think someone on the “Dr. Laura” thread also recommended it.) I have to warn you, though, the book is kind of cheesy and over the top in places. Someone on Amazon.com called it a “Stepford Wife Handbook,” and I’m inclined to agree. 😛 Still, taken with a grain of salt, it can be a valuable antidote to the prevailing trends of our society. 🙂

God bless,
Mrs. R
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YES and YES again! What a marvelous book “Fascinating Womanhood” by Helen Andelin is!!! It will change your life for the better. It surely has mine. You can order this little gem of a paperback for $7.00 at any Barnes & Noble. All you women reading this: take note --this is a book for all of you!!!
 
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carrieloon:
Thank you Yin!

He took the online test and scored very, very low. I believe it was a 25, which technically classifies him as “borderline, needing more information” or something like that, but a 0-24 was a “non-ADD” person so I don’t think he has this condition.

I have of course known about the symptoms of ADD (who doesn’t!) and never thought they really applied to him. Your description of a person who is so structured and un-spontaneous and on the go was the first thing I have ever read that fit him to a tee. So perhaps it is as you say: Being raised and surrounded by ADD family members affected how he does things, looks at things and approaches life but he technically does not suffer from it. Which I am glad about!
I will continue to look into it a bit more and talk to him about it, but my current gut feeling is that he has problems prioritizing and creating balance in his life, in light of his overall personality (which has ADD traits). Does that make sense?!

Thank you for everything and God bless you and yours!
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You’re most welcome. What good news to learn he doesn’t have many of the ADD symptoms…good news because it means much of what he is exhibiting is most likely then, habit-routine type behaviors and that means they can be modified over time. With ADD it’s a condition you learn to live with, work around, regulate with medication, etc. but there’s no really ‘changing’ it.

Did your husband recognize his siblings when taking the test? I know my husband and I recognized some of his brothers at the time. Just having the insight that perhaps he is the way he is because of the way he was raised might help empower him.

What you describe as your issues is simply put, LIFE, Carrie, and right now, with the little ones and being pregnant, it’s real easy to worry ‘this’ is the way it’s going to be for many years. It isn’t though, honest. This is the early phase of parenthood…once all the little ones are in school a new phase begins and you and your husband will set up a different routine.

I remember you mentioned your husband feels things will change when the kids are much older, but they will change before then, especially since the two of you are now aware change has to take place in order for you to remain close…

You’ve got a good man to spend the rest of your life with and to help raise your children. He loves you, may not know how to show you spontaneously, but he loves you enough to hear what you’re saying and to consider finding ways to improve your relationship. Some men wouldn’t even do that. And because you love him enough to keep telling him what your relationship needs, I think the two of you will find a happy solution. Don’t ever stop communicating, that is the greatest danger to a marriage.

I certainly will keep you in my prayers and thoughts.
 
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