Jesus drank so much that people thought he was a drunk. Drinking in itself is not a sin, its only what you do when you’ve been drinking that can be a sin. A better attribute to have would be that he can control himself even when he is drunk.
I am not sure if i agree with this. Drinking socially is fine always, since as you mentioned Jesus did it too, but I see no reason to get to the point of drunk! My ex used to drink every weekend and according to him, he did not have a drinking problem since he did not drink everyday. If you cannot stop yourself from getting drunk, then you have a control issue. It became a big issue when I asked him to stop and then the anger started lashing out.
I don’t know, maybe mystery was not the best choice of words. I was thinking more about a man who would have many interesting things going on in his life, and would continue to develop himself and grow. I guess I think that if I were continually impressed by him and his achievements, that the electricity would have a high chance of surviving beyond the initial stages of a relationship.
I see! Well, that’s different from mystery in the dark and handsome sense, a male femme fatale, in which case mystery involves danger and uncertainty. Every person has some mystery about him and it takes a lifetime to get to know someone fully well… in fact, that lifetime probably isn’t enough. I suppose it’s important here to focus on the person’s being interesting and having potential, while staying on guard against the “mystery” factor.
I see, and thank you for sharing. Well, personally, that kind of mechanics would be rather frustrating to me because it makes you feel that when you return a girl’s interest (and you should be the pursuer, so if she does some of it, you need to do all the more of it), she then changes and drops you. This results in her choosing a guy who’s not that interested in her over you, who are interested in her more. I suppose this is flawed thinking on the guy’s part to some extent, but I would suggest to the woman in that situation (don’t want to target you specifically) that it is probably not the result she wants, choosing a less interested man over a more interested one. After all, she wants interest and she wants companionship, she wants care and she wants him to protect her, be there for her, think about her, take her opinions into consideration and so forth. This, to me, fits better with the more interested man than the less interested one. Certainly the woman doesn’t want to become neglected, abandoned, given up for a new woman, cheated on etc. and less interest is more conducive to that than more interest. Same way, she doesn’t want a man who will simply be well-versed in the game, prepared to play with her head and use the mechanics that he has learnt (e.g. when to budge, when to wait her out etc.)… or rather, to my mind, she should want the man, who, while respectful of her sensitivities (this is a must), will not play games with her and will not use the mechanics against her, but rather show his interest in an honest and upfront way, being prepared to be there for her.
Yes, that’s the hard part. People are at their best but later they can’t keep it up. Perhaps they feel entitled and they don’t think they have to keep it up. I suppose one solution is to be natural and just don’t be at one’s best but simply be and the other solution is always to be at one’s best. I’d be in favour of always trying one’s best but at the same time, still being natural.
That’s not quite what it is, I would want the man I’m with to like me and be interested in me. It’s hard to put into words, but at the core it has to do with the fact that neediness and desperation are very off putting. It has to do with crossing the line from wanting to be with me into clinginess.
I see. Well, I have some problems grasping the concept because while I have an idea of what desparation means when someone is not into you but simply into being with someone (I’ve been on the receiving end, it’s not a matter of contempt, but you basically feel like it’s not important who you actually are), but I generally fail to grasp the matter with clinginess. Can you describe how it feels and why it feels to be wrong?
It depends. As a rule not because I understand the feeling of being unable to find someone who would match with you, as well as the feelings of loss and rejection, so I definitely wouldn’t hold them against a woman. Nor would I take it against her if she required a lot of affirmation, attention or affection. Where I would feel bad would be if she made proposals or statements that were either grossly out of touch with the situation or showing that she had no appreciation for me as an individual person but only saw some impersonal figurative warm body or strong arm in me, or maybe if it were about just being with someone (just having a boyfriend), no thought of marriage. I would try not to give in to any emotional reactions caused by it, but to look reasonably at the whole of what she were presenting with herself, including especially the choices she made. Maybe I’m unable to look past my point of view, but it seems to me that the reaction you describe isn’t really in the woman’s best interest and perhaps it can harm her, together with leaving a potentially valuable guy alone while possibly pairing the woman up with someone who simply agrees to play it cool and knows the mechanics of giving space, withdrawing etc. Please note that a psychopath should theoretically be able to excel at this game, as in, you know, no emotions, cool act, something’s going in his head that you don’t know what (mystery factor) and he has no problem pretending to play by rules he isn’t accepting or he’s just using for his benefit. I’m not saying this is necessarily where this approach would lead, but it does seem to be open to this danger.
Well, that would be a game… I’m not *totally *against mental games, well, games are games, fun and all, but sometimes games go too far when they involve human feelings or brains. Sorry if this personal example is a bit too much (I can’t really think of a more objective reference like now), but say, I can pull off quite a nice action, especially when I improvise. However, I don’t really like the whole self-advertisement thing and I tend to focus on the girl when it comes to it and I prefer to keep her certain and affirmed and sure that she presents value to me, instead of leaving her with uncertainty. I suppose this makes her think I’m not really that valuable as a potential match, and/or that I’m friend material, and she will prefer someone who poses more challenge, even if he is to treat her without much ceremony or regard, without getting into his personal qualities. The (subconsciously) perceived challenge will push her in that direction and her will will not oppose it, even if she is later to come and tell me she wishes he would be like me (well, hello, I was there and I was more than available, and if he acted like me, he’d be a friend too). To be honest, I don’t know how to deal with this but at the same time I don’t want to leave a girl hanging, make her uncertain of herself or of me (in fact, the point is for her to be able to take me for granted & rely on me), use manipulation (combination of distance/lure/space/etc. that I could pull off with what people skills I have, if it weren’t for the kind of revulsion against such methods which makes me unable to use them) to make her go after me etc. because it feels artificial, manipulative and appears to me to falsify both my own value (giving a projection based on withdrawal of supply instead of any real assessment) and the nature of the relationship itself (unreliable and impersonal supply-demand games instead of real desire, appreciation and affirmation that involves the persons in some real way). Besides, I just plain don’t want to do some of those things because they feel rather dishonourable (pride may be an issue). Got any thoughts about this, perhaps? For the record, I don’t think this is the standard male outlook, although I’m not alone in it, either.
No putting up was necessary! In fact, I was quite happy to read your post. I’m glad you found your husband, glad for him that he didn’t get friended for what many guys do (the qualities you describe him as having seem to lead to that result, but I may be jaded), and that you’re happy now as you allowed yourself to be (I suppose it takes some effort not to “friend” a guy with said qualities).
That book probably gets more publicity than it should. It seems to contain some “rules” that supposedly result in keeping a guy and potentially keeping him happy, but I dislike the tone of some of it. I wouldn’t like to speak more without reading it. Besides, I think playing a relationship by the book reduces the involvement of a real human personality, let alone in marriage, which is supposed to be a total gift.
I don’t speak for every woman, my feelings might be colored by some experience with stalker-y types.
I hope what I wrote above explains it, a return of interest is good and welcome. It’s when it becomes too much, and when it seems like you’re all this guy has that it starts to get really creepy and I run for the hills.
A good idea!
I feel like I am in a situation like this right now with a girl was recently seeing. I’m pretty sure my ‘reliability’ and ‘predictability’ made it seem to her she had me per se and it probably lowered her interest in me to the point where she just wants to be friends. However, as time has passed and I’m not showing any interest in her besides that of a typical friend, I feel like she is interested in me once again by how she acts.
I think having an active and interesting life is only part of the relationship process. Based on personal experience, I am involved in numerous things which have me busy almost every night of the week. I have a very good career and have advanced way ahead of someone in their 20s, I have natural leadership qualities which are present at work and in my daily activities such as planning social and volunteer events, running sports teams, organizing trips (both leisure and for the sports teams to compete in tournaments), and I have a great group of close friends. That being said…the aforementioned qualities along with being very nice, very fit, etc attract women regularly…especially when they first meet me. However, once they get to know me a bit, despite the ‘interesting’ lifestyle they quickly realize I’m a nice and predictable guy they always know what to expect from. There is no ‘mystery’ for lack of a better term. As a result, they say I’m a great guy and they are so glad to have me as a friend. At which point they tell their other female friends about me and how they need to meet me, and soon after, the pattern continues.
–without getting hurt by a jerk in the process.Yep, I know exactly what you mean.
Interesting you mention that…The first time a girl said that to me I was a little over 17 years old. She pretty much stated that I would make an amazing husband some day, but not that good of a boyfriend. At the time I remember thinking that made no sense at all, but eventually I understood what she meant. As time went on, I’ve had other girls say the same thing or allude to it through various comments.
has already claimed me – I am most definitely off the market. :thankyou:
And single women, the world over, wept…Sorry to break it to all you ladies, but:
The bride
She wishes “Best of Luck” to all of those picking over her leavings
tee
Me!
But according to a random guy at the mall, I have beautiful hair. I’m just waiting for a guy to romance me, lol.Are you saying we are being unrealistic…!?
Well. I know my list is very realistic. Male and alive.Are you saying we are being unrealistic…!?
This reminds me of my days at Franciscan…the young freshman women would form crushes on a very nice Catholic boy…such a good Catholic man!Sorry to break it to all you ladies, but:
The bride
She wishes “Best of Luck” to all of those picking over her leavings
tee
