Qualities for a husband I have come up with.. :)

[flyingfish]

I think that a good portion of attraction is subconscious. I think we are all drawn to certain characteristics and part of that is based various things we have experienced throughout our life.

Did the women ever tell you what exactly you didn’t do that made them conclude you were husband but not boyfriend material?

I wonder what guys like, I’ve been consciously pulling back from time to time from a guy I like and am close to because I think it would make him want me more/create more tension and excitement. I don’t know if it’s effective or not. (It’s not a serious relationship, but we know each other for a while, and like each other/flirt a lot, but it’s not exclusive or anything like that. And I know it goes against Catholic sensibilities, so bear with me, but I really just enjoy the tension and attraction. Sigh.)

 

[chevalier]

I wonder what guys like, I’ve been consciously pulling back from time to time from a guy I like and am close to because I think it would make him want me more/create more tension and excitement. I don’t know if it’s effective or not. (It’s not a serious relationship, but we know each other for a while, and like each other/flirt a lot, but it’s not exclusive or anything like that. And I know it goes against Catholic sensibilities, so bear with me, but I really just enjoy the tension and attraction. Sigh.)

I know I’m not Jay but if you don’t mind a second answer, in case of some men that will be exciting and in case of some others it won’t. I suppose the typical man (I mean the way men are typically imagined to be, I don’t know if this is the actual majority) will be excited or drawn, some other types will not (for example, I would be understanding and I generally wouldn’t complain about how things naturally went, but I would prefer not to experience withdrawal games unless I had reasons to know they meant: “chev, time for you to show some initiative”, after all, games can be fun if they aren’t harmful,… but once it began to appear either cruel (causing emotional pain) or impolite (ignoring what courtesy requires), it would pose a problem to me and make me question the wisdom of my choice because I value kindness, goodness and a giving heart. If I felt it were a game of give space when right but don’t fail to respond/initiate when right, I would feel particularly bad about it and I’d probably want to go away (I don’t take space games well). But I don’t think most men think/feel the same way I do, I suppose the opposite is true.

 

[flyingfish]

but once it began to appear either cruel (causing emotional pain) or impolite (ignoring what courtesy requires), it would pose a problem to me and make me question the wisdom of my choice because I value kindness, goodness and a giving heart. If I felt it were a game of give space when right but don’t fail to respond/initiate when right, I would feel particularly bad about it and I’d probably want to go away (I don’t take space games well). But I don’t think most men think/feel the same way I do, I suppose the opposite is true.

But would “kindness, goodness, and a giving heart” excite you, and make you long for the woman? I value those things as well, but I think of them as a prerequisite. Given those things, what kinds of things about the woman would make you really excited about her beyond thinking “there’s a great female specimen, and a good friend”?

 

[isluk]

List of attributes I want in a guy:
Christian
Stable Job(meaning able to provide for the family)
Shoudl love talking to each other
Respectful towards me
Looks decent (which means my heart goes :whacky: not the traditional good looks)
Down to earth and not a spendthrift.

Now everyone - is this too much to ask???

**I like reading Dr. Charles Stanley’s ‘In Touch’ magazine and reading his daily devotionals as well as other articles. About 2-3 years ago there was an article written by a woman who was tired of the dating scene and who decided to write a “Wish List” to God for her desired spouse. I found that concept interesting so I constructed mine, typed it out, then decided to offer it up to Christ in prayer and buried it beside our Church’s sign outside (I am the one who manages the sign and comes up with the sayings all the time and changes it). I figured I’d plant it in prayer while doing His work while waiting patiently for my heart’s desire.

This is my Wish List … (with commentary)
**

• Must be an active Catholic who maintains a personal relationship with Christ (I don’t want someone who only pretends when there’s an audiance present).
• **He must truly like me for who I am, truly love me, and enjoys being my best friend.
  **
• **Must be honest, moral, and loyal (I must be able to respect him).
  **
• **Has no hidden Internet life or friends (past experience in play there)
  **
• No porn, non-smoker, non-alcohoic.
• Must be financially stable and responsible (I don’t want somebody rich).
• Must have a good sense of humor and optimism (that will get us through the tough times in our marriage).
• **Must be a Steelers and Penguins fan (pathetic I know, but if you know me you’d know that this is a must for them to tolerate me – LOL) **

Looks, fitness, age … I leave that in my Lord’s hands. He knows me and I trust in Him to show me who He wants me to share the vocation of marriage with. If I had paid attention to the Holy Spirit when I was 19, I’d have walked out of a church and not married my first husband which was based on looks, age and all the other “packaging” stuff (that was annulled through the church). I learned my lesson and that was to go for the true qualities that make a marriage last. This time around I’ll trust in God to show me the right one!

 

[Jay82]

Did the women ever tell you what exactly you didn’t do that made them conclude you were husband but not boyfriend material?

Yes they did. To sum it up…

They say I don’t provide the ‘excitement’ factor, I’m too well mannered, too polite, too nice, too considerate, too responsible, and I also don’t provide the sexual excitement aspect since I am abstaining until marriage.

They have said I have all the desirable husband qualities such as - strong morals/integrity, reliable, mature/responsible, a very good provider, loyal, caring, good at conflict resolution, patient/understanding, good protector, and things of that nature. Additionally, in marriage the sex aspect would be present as well.

 

[LilyElain]

and I also don’t provide the sexual excitement aspect since I am abstaining until marriage.

They have said I have all the desirable husband qualities such as - strong morals/integrity, reliable, mature/responsible, a very good provider, loyal, caring, good at conflict resolution, patient/understanding, good protector, and things of that nature. Additionally, in marriage the sex aspect would be present as well.

I think these women are very wrong for you then…a good practicing Catholic women is looking for that abstaining in a man…not dumping him because of it!!! That should be a plus in their eyes!

 

[JesusInMe]

Yes they did. To sum it up…

They say I don’t provide the ‘excitement’ factor, I’m too well mannered, too polite, too nice, too considerate, too responsible, and I also don’t provide the sexual excitement aspect since I am abstaining until marriage.

They have said I have all the desirable husband qualities such as - strong morals/integrity, reliable, mature/responsible, a very good provider, loyal, caring, good at conflict resolution, patient/understanding, good protector, and things of that nature. Additionally, in marriage the sex aspect would be present as well.

wow Jay! with all this, you are still single? you must be young so the girls you go out with are still immature! wait a few years and you will be fending them off with both hands… (dont lock yourself away or lose confidence in yourself becos of this right now!) you are the whole package…

you know, this is the same as the analogy: the jocks are the ones that women run after in college but nerds rule the world later on!!

 

[Jay82]

I think these women are very wrong for you then…a good practicing Catholic women is looking for that abstaining in a man…not dumping him because of it!!! That should be a plus in their eyes!

I agree 100%, but when it comes down to it, not too many practicing Catholics actually do abstain. I know some great girls who have many many desirable qualities in addition to being attractive, but despite being practicing Catholics you’ll see in church every week - they have premarital sex pretty often.

 

[Jay82]

wow Jay! with all this, you are still single? you must be young so the girls you go out with are still immature! wait a few years and you will be fending them off with both hands… (dont lock yourself away or lose confidence in yourself becos of this right now!) you are the whole package…

you know, this is the same as the analogy: the jocks are the ones that women run after in college but nerds rule the world later on!!

I feel awkward listing a lot of good qualities about myself because I am not one to brag or self promote at all. I usually just let my actions speak for itself. But in this case I think I had to, to properly explain where I was coming from.

I think you are right about the immaturity thing. I feel like I possess traits that are more often appreciated by women in their 30s than those in the 20s. Regardless, as I have stated earlier in this thread, women just seem to feel I like the whole ‘excitement’ factor so they usually just want to be my friend.

 

[chevalier]

But would “kindness, goodness, and a giving heart” excite you, and make you long for the woman?

Yes, they would. Much more so that rejection or appearance of it (by rejection I don’t mean any “not yet” or “you’ve got to try harder” responses, I mean something more concrete).

I value those things as well, but I think of them as a prerequisite. Given those things, what kinds of things about the woman would make you really excited about her beyond thinking “there’s a great female specimen, and a good friend”?

Actually, I would be very excited to see those things, they would endear the lady to me and I would see value in the choice to approach her, much more so than in the case of the usual chemistry. I would need to be attracted as to a woman, so I suppose some intellectual and spiritual compatibility, plus “beautiful to look at” (which is hard to explain and generally doesn’t correspond all that well with common perceptions), but the first factors we talked about would be the ones giving me certainty and making me happy. Playing space games holds my mind hostage for a short time, but meeting with kindness and goodness in treatment is what grips my throat and holds it for real. I react way more positively to, “it is good to hear you,” than to elusiveness in contact, for instance (keeps me agitated but doesn’t win me over and runs a risk of pushing me away). Were I to learn that the game was the girl’s way of dealing with attraction or growing attachment, then I would be more sympathetic to it, as I try not to hold it against people how they react in the way they can.

To finish spilling my guts, finding out about the compatibility and the ability to form a two people alliance (swap for “team” if too odd) would be more exciting than any form of games (as much as I enjoy flirting), uncertainty, hazard etc. Reciprocity makes it grow for me, lack of reciprocity makes it dwindle. It’s possible to put me off by making me feel like thing doesn’t involve me personally that much but is about landing the first guy to come by, but say, not replying to my message, not returning a call etc. does not make me appreciate a girl more (well, I’ll be understanding, but it won’t draw me to her).

 

[LilyElain]

I agree 100%, but when it comes down to it, not too many practicing Catholics actually do abstain. I know some great girls who have many many desirable qualities in addition to being attractive, but despite being practicing Catholics you’ll see in church every week - they have premarital sex pretty often.

I am sorry that has been your experience…

I know quite a few young ladies (and gentleman for that fact) here that are practicing Catholics that are very insistent on keeping themselves chaste until marriage.

 

[royal_archer]

Did the women ever tell you what exactly you didn’t do that made them conclude you were husband but not boyfriend material?

I wonder what guys like, I’ve been consciously pulling back from time to time from a guy I like and am close to because I think it would make him want me more/create more tension and excitement. I don’t know if it’s effective or not. (It’s not a serious relationship, but we know each other for a while, and like each other/flirt a lot, but it’s not exclusive or anything like that. And I know it goes against Catholic sensibilities, so bear with me, but I really just enjoy the tension and attraction. Sigh.)

Quiet “nerdy” types like me who never got a lot of attention from girls might take that as an indication of lack of interest and back down thinking they were respecting the woman’s wishes.

 

[royal_archer]

I feel awkward listing a lot of good qualities about myself because I am not one to brag or self promote at all. I usually just let my actions speak for itself. But in this case I think I had to, to properly explain where I was coming from.

I think you are right about the immaturity thing. I feel like I possess traits that are more often appreciated by women in their 30s than those in the 20s. Regardless, as I have stated earlier in this thread, women just seem to feel I like the whole ‘excitement’ factor so they usually just want to be my friend.

Unfortunately not to many women are still available at that point who have not had a “past”. I really wish they would stop approaching abstinance as mearly part of the birth control discussion and teach it as a contributor to a strong marriage.

 

[flyingfish]

Yes they did. To sum it up…

They say I don’t provide the ‘excitement’ factor, I’m too well mannered, too polite, too nice, too considerate, too responsible, and I also don’t provide the sexual excitement aspect since I am abstaining until marriage.

Do you abstain not just from sex, but also from all contact like kissing/touching/suggestive conversation? That could be the reason you’re having trouble to be honest. I think I could wait until marriage for actual intercourse, but if there was nothing at all to substitute it would be really hard for me to be interested in a guy. But then I’m not Catholic…

 

[sanctamaria17]

I wouldn’t do anything that could lead to sex if I was serious about an abstinence promise, and I am.

I’ve turned a lot of guys off because of it. But dude, you honestly respect me, you honestly love me, you’d wait.

Besides, a kiss from someone who only kisses you in the moment is much different from a kiss from someone who truly loves you. And while I’ve had is but that kiss, I at least learned that much.

I want someone who truly loves and respects me. And if he does, he’d respect me as a person and as a woman with a right to choose (I love throwing rhetoric back to people) and he’d wait for me. We have all the rest of our lives to make love. I want to make sure he’s the kind of guy I’d be willing to share hearts, minds, souls, and bodies with for the rest of my life, before I actually do it! But yeah, it’s not easier if you’re a woman…Whatever, I’d rather go through this life alone but for my faith than be stuck with someone who disrespected my desires.

 

[royal_archer]

I wouldn’t do anything that could lead to sex if I was serious about an abstinence promise, and I am.

I’ve turned a lot of guys off because of it. But dude, you honestly respect me, you honestly love me, you’d wait.

Besides, a kiss from someone who only kisses you in the moment is much different from a kiss from someone who truly loves you. And while I’ve had is but that kiss, I at least learned that much.

I want someone who truly loves and respects me. And if he does, he’d respect me as a person and as a woman with a right to choose (I love throwing rhetoric back to people) and he’d wait for me. We have all the rest of our lives to make love. I want to make sure he’s the kind of guy I’d be willing to share hearts, minds, souls, and bodies with for the rest of my life, before I actually do it! But yeah, it’s not easier if you’re a woman…Whatever, I’d rather go through this life alone but for my faith than be stuck with someone who disrespected my desires.

Reading through these I am remembering girls I dated long ago that I gave up on because I assumed they were not interested. Modern culture has gotten a lot worse since then. Please ladies, If you are not willing to go to second or even first base, but are interested make your feelings known in some other way, explain it to him, and provide some alternate show of your feelings such as innitiate the holding of hands, etc.

Because unfortunately there are many women out there who will use their bodies to communicate their desire. And, many times they communicate a desire that is not represented by what is in their hearts.

 

[chevalier]

Reading through these I am remembering girls I dated long ago that I gave up on because I assumed they were not interested. Modern culture has gotten a lot worse since then. Please ladies, If you are not willing to go to second or even first base, but are interested make your feelings known in some other way, explain it to him, and provide some alternate show of your feelings such as innitiate the holding of hands, etc.

Because unfortunately there are many women out there who will use their bodies to communicate their desire. And, many times they communicate a desire that is not represented by what is in their hearts.

Sorry, but I must point out they’re not supposed to go to the “second base” and “second base” is way beyond a simple indication of interest. Holding hands, maybe kissing, but above all a verbal statement of interest, feelings, something of the kind, is enough to establish that.

Yes, it is in unfortunate that many forms of rather advanced physical display of affection may in fact mean nothing. Still, a remedy to that would be verbal rather than physical. After all, there needs to be some real commitment, real connection and real interaction. The man and the woman *have to *communicate like people, i.e. spend time in conversation.

 

[royal_archer]

Sorry, but I must point out they’re not supposed to go to the “second base” and “second base” is way beyond a simple indication of interest. Holding hands, maybe kissing, but above all a verbal statement of interest, feelings, something of the kind, is enough to establish that.

Yes, it is in unfortunate that many forms of rather advanced physical display of affection may in fact mean nothing. Still, a remedy to that would be verbal rather than physical. After all, there needs to be some real commitment, real connection and real interaction. The man and the woman *have to *communicate like people, i.e. spend time in conversation.

You and I agree on the appropriateness of second base. But when in society it looks like second base is the norm and the person you are dating holds back with out explanation, it could be construed as a lack of interest. When I was dating a lack of willingness to get to first base was my perceived criteria for a lack of interest. I interpreted some of the posts here as an indication they would not proceed to first base while dating.

 

[LilyElain]

You and I agree on the appropriateness of second base. But when in society it looks like second base is the norm and the person you are dating holds back with out explanation, it could be construed as a lack of interest. When I was dating a lack of willingness to get to first base was my perceived criteria for a lack of interest. I interpreted some of the posts here as an indication they would not proceed to first base while dating.

This is why communication is essential to a good relationship!! There is no need to try and guess what the other person is trying to convey with or without physical “cues” if there is open communication between them…

 

[royal_archer]

This is why communication is essential to a good relationship!! There is no need to try and guess what the other person is trying to convey with or without physical “cues” if there is open communication between them…

Yes, That is what I was trying to emphasise in post 116. I think we are in “Violent agreement”

Although not all communication is verbal. Sometimes activities that deviate from perceived secular social norms have a communication of their own. In such situations there needs to be an extra effort to communicate in a possitive way.