Quarrelsome Wives

[tony22279]

I would like to see what types of responses this topic generates. In trying to express to my wife how some of her behaviors are impacting our home and son, I cannot find many perspectives online that address the impacts of a quarrelsome wife on her home.

 

[0Scarlett_nidiyilii]

Don’t go flinging proverbs at her.
Start with “I felt bad when you said X”.
Then listen to what she says.

 

[tony22279]

Thank you for responding. I certainly understand how that could put someone on the defensive or the many ways it could cause someone to simply “turn off” in the conversation. Assuming good communication, do you have any thoughts on how a validly quarrelsome attitude and behavior might impact the family dynamic?

 

[Emeraldlady]

do you have any thoughts on how a validly quarrelsome attitude

Why do you say ‘validly’ quarrelsome attitude? Are her complaints legitimate ones?

 

[sudy]

I’m not trying to pass the blame onto you, but sometimes we do have to look inwards at our own behaviour and attitude when people are quarrelling with us often. Perhaps she feels that you aren’t listening to her, or feels that you’re not understanding her point of view. Maybe she feels put on or put down and has become defensive. As it’s your wife, you really need to have a talk with her, and don’t head in there full of the blame being all hers… be prepared to consider that none of us are perfect

Edit: just wanted to add that all sorts of reasons could be at play, stress is a major one, sickness… or even the possibility that somebody else is in the picture. Please don’t jump to conclusions with my last remark, I only mention it as a possibility.

 

[tony22279]

Thanks again to you guys for responding. I wanted to keep the original post brief but perhaps should have provided a little more. I fully acknowledge that any behavior in a marriage (or any group for that matter) is often impacted by other factors (e.g. stress, feeling invalidated, etc.) or people (e.g. spouse, teammate, etc.). And that logic is what dominates most of what I have been able to find on a quarrelsome spouse. The perspectives taken are of a very limited variety; often the responsibility is placed back on the husband as spiritual head of the home or sympathizers relay that a wife’s “quarrelsome” nature is most likely a reaction to some other situation or circumstance. Again, I fully acknowledge the legitimacy of these and many other claims.

Regardless of the multifactorial circumstances leading to quarrelsome comments, attitudes, and actions, I am trying to see if other Christians have considered or have experiences with how it impacts a family. Obviously there is relationship strain, but I believe there can be much more than that. It is very easy for me to take the classic (and dismissive in my opinion) attitude that she’s “just” a woman and I should simply overlook her emotions, attitudes, and general argumentativeness or seemingly inappropriate tendency towards confrontation. However, I think that by doing that, I am taking the easy way out and actually failing her and our family by allowing a poison to the family dynamic to remain unchecked in our home.

Does this make sense? I am trying to get perspectives on quarrelsome wives in isolation from the many other disruptive behaviors and attitudes warned about in Scripture. For example, if you were to look up catholic perspectives on easily angered men, you will find tomes of information about this trait. While not treated in complete isolation of other factors, it is seen as a primary characteristic to be overcome – in any circumstance, a man should be slow to anger. Can it not be inferred that a woman should also be slow to be quarrelsome (in any circumstance)? Simply attributing a woman being quarrelsome to her husband (or anybody else) is just excusing a behavior specifically warned against in Scripture. Were the proverbs meant only to inform young men to avoid selecting a quarrelsome wife? Or is it also intended to be a piece of advice for wives to endure throughout all time?

In regards to the quarrelsome nature being “valid,” I was just trying to ask contributors to consider that perhaps the quarrels are NOT stemming from a husband who can’t listen, doesn’t fulfill responsibilities, etc. By “valid,” I meant to say that she is legitimately quarrelsome for no apparent reason. We all have at least one plank in our eye at any given time, and I often reflect on how my many imperfections may be impacting my son or marriage. This helps motivate me to actually make changes or grow in areas of weakness. In trying to have a conversation with my wife, I want to be informed about what exactly a quarrelsome wife is and how it can impact her. Anything I bring up is much more meaningful if the opinions/observations are more than just my own.

 

[sudy]

A person could be just a quarrellsome type… where they just like to stir things up, or there is a reason behind their behaviour. What you’re saying does make sense. Women as well as men should equally be slow to anger, and should be instilling peace in their home, as well as in their community and towards all within their reach. If she’s naturally quarrellsome, I’m not sure what advice I could give. If there’s a reason behind it, it needs discovering.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

The whole issue here is, what is causing her to be “quarrelsome”?

Is it her personality, like has she always been this way and you married her anyway and now it’s just getting worse?

Is she generally unhappy in the marriage and picking fights at every little thing?

Is there some situation that has caused her to be more upset than normal (grieving a death, or a loss such as the loss of a job, etc)

Is there a physical or mental condition causing her to be upset? (depression, hormonal changes, some other illness)

Have you talked to her about why she is being quarrelsome? What did she say?

We frequently get these marriage posts on here, “my wife is quarrelsome”, “my wife is not submissive” without any sort of context or reason why the wife might be acting in this way.

Without some context, and some showing that the husband has at least tried to get to the bottom of why his wife is “quarrelsome”, I’m unable to make any sort of intelligent response to this. You can’t just separate quarrelsome behavior from the cause of it and say the cause doesn’t matter, can we look at how the behavior impacts a family. Your wife is part of the family and something is likely impacting HER to cause this, unless she is just this way as part of her personality. You need to examine this situation as a whole, otherwise it’s like saying “homicide impacts society” without looking at the reasons why people are committing the homicides.

 

[tony22279]

Thanks for your thoughts.

The whole issue though is not the cause of any difficult behavior. More specifically, the question I’m posing in this thread is how have Christians seen quarrelsome women impact their families. I understand that many people’s first reactions are to try and help me solve MY specific issue or improve MY communication, but that is not what I am getting at here. I’m not intending to seek random counsel or complain/gossip about my spouse anonymously in a public forum. In doing my own research in preparation to address the issue, I noticed a complete dearth of material addressing quarrelsome wives so decided to ask a Catholic forum for thoughts on THAT issue - not MY issue.

Stated another way, the prompt could be “Do quarrelsome wives impact their families? If so, how?” I have my own observations, but I understand I am a flawed and undoubtedly biased source.

I could answer your questions and understand how that could generate many more comments and opinions, but I fear that answering them will steer the thread away from the question. It will turn instead from the secondary and tertiary effects of quarrelsome wives in the home to a general relationship advice forum.

Again, simply saying that a wife’s quarrelsome nature is rooted in something somebody else is doing is simply passing the buck - EVEN IF IT IS TRUE. I gave the example earlier in the thread of angry men… When they loose their cool; THEY are to blame – not their wives, children, boss, or whatever other excuse they could attempt to hide behind.

 

[sudy]

So, what you’re saying is that you want to find information that you can present to your wife about how arguments affect those in the home, without addressing the root cause?

In trying to express to my wife how some of her behaviors are impacting our home and son

That ‘seems’ wrong to me if you’re not interested in addressing the reasons behind her behaviour.

The stress of arguing all the time will negatively impact on the health of everybody concerned, and it affects the children in the family. Beyond that I don’t suppose there’s much to say.

 

[tony22279]

Also, just for fun, I quickly searched “how does homicide impact society” in Google just now. Multiple opinion pieces and peer reviewed journal articles populate describing the impacts of homicide on society. When you look up how quarrelsome attitudes impact marriages and families, you instead find what this thread is becoming - resistance to addressing the question.

I don’t mean to be confrontational, and I honestly greatly thank all of you for taking the time to respond. I actually didn’t expect this much of a response so quickly.

 

[Trishie]

We are left with your perception of your wife as quarrelsome, or even a possible judgement thus.
Might it be unreasonable to think that your wife feels not listened to, and that she experiences some sense of injustice in the relationship?
A person can become combatative if their spouse never really hears them

The question may how my wife must grow and improve, but also how must I grow and improve? How much do I need to grow in consideration and respect, not just how much should she.

 

[ewohdrol]

I think the term “quarrelsome wife” in itself is patronizing and degrading to your wife.

Of course any spouse that is unnecessarily negative or argumentative will cause stress to the family. But you seem to be looking for consequences or impacts for a wife without acknowledging the source or contexual reasonings.

If I was your wife and you threw scripture at me - I wouldn’t be particularly influenced to listen.

I’m not saying her behaviour is appropriate btw. I don’t really know. But your language on this forum might indicate some probles with communication.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

Well, the effects of a quarrelsome spouse/ parent in the family is that everybody in the family is upset and stressed, including the quarrelsome person, and that the kids grow up thinking on some level that a quarrelsome household is normal and possibly repeating it in their own lives.

It’s not rocket science. Children learn what they live. If their parents quarrel, that’s how they think relationships and marriages are.

I doubt that you telling or showing this to your wife is going to cause her to all of a sudden say, “Oh my, I didn’t realize I was teaching Junior this bad lesson, I will stop my behavior immediately”. So if you want to actually solve your problem rather than just trying to make your wife feel bad, which is either not going to work at all or will just add guilt on top of whatever her underlying issue is, you should do something else.

God bless and Good luck with your situation.

 

[tony22279]

Sudy, and anyone else, I am NOT trying to avoid seeking answers to contributing factors behind persistent attempts to be quarrelsome. All I can give you is my word that I am not ignorant to the FACT that there are a number of issues that can cause people to act in difficult ways. When I am difficult though, I OWN IT, regardless of contributing circumstances or “reasons” for my failures as a Christian. I own it and seek grace, forgiveness, and self-improvement.

Again, I FULLY ACKNOWLEDGE THAT RELATIONSHIP ISSUES OF ANY SORT ARE MULTIDIMENSIONAL AND MULTIFACTORIAL. I will NOT gossip about my family issues in a public forum. I believe I have given enough context and am asking a fair question. If you look up how alcoholism impacts a family, there is NO resistance to finding straight-forward responses that give very little concern to the root causes of the alcoholism. Instead you have to research that separately. Same for any other vice you might consider.

 

[tony22279]

I was hoping I may not find dismissiveness and sarcasm on a Christian site such as this. I’m not just trying to make my wife feel bad; I’m trying to build. And yes, the impacts you describe are along the lines of what I personally expect as well. Thank you for your (name removed by moderator)ut, regardless of the sarcastic tone. Perhaps there’s a reader out there who has a more impactful story than your conjectures or my own opinions. And if you don’t find it extremely motivating to understand how your actions impact your loved ones, you should self-reflect in my opinion.

 

[ewohdrol]

Tony I don’t think anyone was being dismissive or sarcastic.

You asked a question and people pointed out that it was impossible to answer in the context that you provided.

You use alcoholism as your example - yet a recovering addict will find the root of their problem as part of their healing process. Which is what posters kindly pointed out to you.

Good luck with your wife. I do hope your attitude toward her is not similar to what you are exhibiting here.

 

[Trishie]

Marriage isn’t easy, and clearly you hope for the best outcomes for your marriage and children. It really isn’t possible for us to know the dynamics operating in your marriage.
And it’s not possible to guage your wife’s motivations and flaws.
It is sad that we are all, in one way or other, imperfect parents, and all of us are imperfect partners, whatever we dream in the beginning. We all make mistakes, have failures in our marriages and in our parenting.

THanks to my son’s incredible joint gift for a special birthday, I was in the Duomo Hotel across from Florence Cathedral, and as we listened to incredibly beautiful music in the square below, with tears in my eyes, I said to the son who accompanied me, "Darling, I sometimes feel very sad for the mistakes I made, like when it woul have been no harm to say yes, I said no, "My son simply said, “Mum, you were a good mother. You always loved us.” Each son has said the same in their own words and ways.
I remember the times I failed, in the clarity of hindsight. My sons don’t care, because they know that whatever my faults or failures, I love them. And they love me too.
If your child know his mother loves him, he will carry that knowledge and find healing in it.

I’m sorry that you are unhappy and worried. It seems your wife is unhappy too,
May God help, guide, and bless your marriage and family.

 

[tony22279]

ewohdrol, thank you. In terms of using “quarrelsome wife,” I was trying to stick with the Biblical description of what I am seeking to address - not to be patronizing. But I do acknowledge your point. My wife and I have talked about some of the situations, and there is a persistent trend (acknowledged by both of us) that she is quarrelsome - generally meaning that she is excessively argumentative or problematic for no justifiable reason at times. If I am in a decent mood, I blow past it and we can address it peacefully. If I’m not or I don’t have time for that type of in depth discussion, it contributes significantly to the stress of the house and creates a negative environment that permeates everything we do until it is addressed. I can speak very clearly to the immediate impacts, but what have other Christians seen over time? I’m asking because I do know that children establish expectations for themselves AND their future partners from what’s modeled in the home. Even if my son doesn’t witness her confrontation, he does witness the coldness she carries throughout the house. Again, I have common sense and can speak or guess as well as most about how this issue can snowball into greater ones in the future, but why conjecture when there is likely a reader on this thread who has already lived it and can share an experience to inform. Are we not wise by learning from the experience of others?

 

[tony22279]

At this point, I’m not going to defend myself against posters who want to accuse me of being dismissive of my wife’s emotions, concerns, or my own actions that may contribute. All I can say is that I am not that stereotypical guy you may be imagining.

Again, I think it is best if you view my question as “How have you seen an excessively quarrelsome wife impact those around her?”

If you don’t think my question is valid, I guess I’d just ask you not to respond so that the reader that does find it valid may have less to scroll through. Sincerely, thank you to everyone for the responses.