Quarrelsome Wives

[AlNg]

Also, just for fun, I quickly searched “how does homicide impact society” in Google just now. Multiple opinion pieces and peer reviewed journal articles populate describing the impacts of homicide on society. When you look up how quarrelsome attitudes impact marriages and families, you instead find what this thread is becoming - resistance to addressing the question.

Maybe that means that it is a difficult question to deal with.

I was hoping I may not find dismissiveness and sarcasm on a Christian site such as this.

I know what you mean.

 

[halogirl]

A quarrelsome spouse of either sex can make the children feel stressed and wondering why their parents are together. It is a very bad situation for parents to argue in front of their kids regularly - I often wished my parents would get divorced so I didn’t have to put up with it and they never did. People who are habitually argumentative give baggage to their children.

 

[sudy]

A quarrel can only develop if both parties enter into it. Although Scripture shows us that living with a quarrellsome person makes life difficult, we are also encouraged to patiently endure evils, and to teach with gentleness. I’m sorry if what I said came across as dismissive or sarcastic… I assure you that certainly wasn’t my intention.

There are many relationship guidance webpages that help to guide people through disagreements… a quick google search brought up several sites when I just had a look.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

At this point, I’m not going to defend myself against posters who want to accuse me of being dismissive of my wife’s emotions, concerns, or my own actions that may contribute.

I’m honestly not seeing these accusations, particularly in the last few posts before your response here.

It’s a bit troubling that you seem to be so defensive when people throughout the thread are actually making really kind, encouraging, thoughtful posts. It makes one wonder if your wife is really that quarrelsome, or are you reading something into her behavior that she doesn’t intend, the same way as you seem to think people are accusing you or being dismissive or sarcastic in the thread.

I understand you are hurt by the situation with your wife, and also that maybe you came onto the forum looking for something very specific and got frustrated when people didn’t provide exactly what you wished to see. We get that a lot. But maybe be a little more open to understand what people are actually saying.

 

[Irishmom2]

I am not defending your wife’s behavior, but it takes two to quarrel. Make every effort to not get involved. Tell her calmly that you will not engage with her while she is being argumentative. Leave the room if you must. Revisit the subject later.

I think that some marriage counseling would be helpful to give you both the skills to communicate better with each other. It would be a wonderful gift to your children.

 

[tony22279]

Sudy, no, my comments about sarcasm were not directed at you at all. I also completely understand that there is an abundance of information about resolving conflict and maintaining healthy relationships. Believe it or not, my career involves a good amount of helping others do just that. Thank you very much for your thoughts and time. I really do appreciate it.

 

[tony22279]

It’s not rocket science. Children learn what they live. If their parents quarrel, that’s how they think relationships and marriages are.

I doubt that you telling or showing this to your wife is going to cause her to all of a sudden say, “Oh my, I didn’t realize I was teaching Junior this bad lesson, I will stop my behavior immediately”. So if you want to actually solve your problem rather than just trying to make your wife feel bad

I would call this sarcastic.

 

[Irishmom2]

Tis_Bearself:

It’s not rocket science. Children learn what they live. If their parents quarrel, that’s how they think relationships and marriages are.

I doubt that you telling or showing this to your wife is going to cause her to all of a sudden say, “Oh my, I didn’t realize I was teaching Junior this bad lesson, I will stop my behavior immediately”. So if you want to actually solve your problem rather than just trying to make your wife feel bad

I would call this sarcastic.

I don’t think it was sarcastic. I think you are reading into what she said. Is it possible that you do that with your wife as well? Maybe you see things in a different perspective than they are presented.

 

[SeraficLeo]

Were the proverbs meant only to inform young men to avoid selecting a quarrelsome wife?

Yes. The book of proverbs and most of the old testament is written for the instruction of sons.

 

[Chronologic4]

Read sacred scripture on this one.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I would gently suggest that the Internet is not a rich medium and it is better to take people’s posts in good faith.

You can’t see the person and how they are talking to you. For me, that post is normal polite conversation.

If you spend a lot of time dealing with people’s relationship issues, as you said, you likely realize there are a variety of conversational styles and different cultures. One should not always need to approach another person online in a very apologetic manner by typing “Please, with my apologies, and I don’t mean this to sound rude in the least, and please don’t think I am being sarcastic at all, but…”

Once again, good luck with your situation.

 

[Aquinas11]

The whole issue though is not the cause of any difficult behavior. More specifically, the question I’m posing in this thread is how have Christians seen quarrelsome women impact their families.

Why only be concerned w impacts and not causes? We never take approach with any problem. If I have a leaking roof I don’t say “I don’t care about the cause or how to fix it, just the impact of the leak” Or going to doctor “doc, I don’t care about the cause of my stomach ache, just the impact”

 

[Chronologic4]

Internet can be good and bad, ‘Tis. May simple, Tisbearself. Be more simple.

 

[Beryllos]

I cannot find many perspectives online that address the impacts of a quarrelsome wife on her home.

Here is one potential impact: With God’s help and yours, children in such a home may learn how to live and work and be friends with difficult people. They may come to see the goodness in each and every person. That’s the kind of impact I would look for. It is a challenge, or a cross to bear, but we have much reason for hope.

 

[Loud-living-dogma]

I think the term “quarrelsome” is partly what’s hindering your success finding information on the internet. If you insist on using the term"quarrelsome wives" you might have to limit yourself to researching in old religious books.

 

[JMMJ]

Stop doing and saying things that you know are going to bring on a quarrel. You can only control yourself.

Personally, I can’t stand people who constantly quarrel. My parents used to do that, to the point of considering it normal communication between two people. Mindless bickering is not something I tolerate. So I would let her know either to knock it off or the marriage may be in jeopardy. Nobody needs to live with that.

 

[JMMJ]

Again, I FULLY ACKNOWLEDGE THAT RELATIONSHIP ISSUES OF ANY SORT ARE MULTIDIMENSIONAL AND MULTIFACTORIAL. I will NOT gossip about my family issues in a public forum. I believe I have given enough context and am asking a fair question. If you look up how alcoholism impacts a family, there is NO resistance to finding straight-forward responses that give very little concern to the root causes of the alcoholism. Instead you have to research that separately. Same for any other vice you might consider.

OK I am going to say something here. Please don’t be offended.

Just the few posts I have read from you in this thread, have annoyed me. I find your method of communication (in print, at least) very annoying.

Is it possible your wife finds you annoying, as well? Not that she doesn’t love you, but just dealing with you day-in and day-out may be taking a toll on her?

I could be completely wrong, but it may be something for you to think about.

 

[jlc2k2]

What is a quarrelsome wife? A wife who doesn’t immediately agree with you on everything? On 50% of things? On 5% of things? How does a quarrelsome wife argue? Does she talk or scream or call people names? Is she angry or does she really just disagree?

All of those will have different impacts and until we understand what you mean by quarrelsome it’s difficult to provide any useful information.

 

[Aquinas11]

One thing that helped me with quarrelsome girlfriend was Imago Dialogue

When my girlfriend was upset, I’d say “ok tell me why you’re upset”. Then she’d say why such as I don’t spend enough time with her. So then you repeat back to her what she said “ok so I hear you say that you’re upset w me because I don’t spend enough time with you, is that right?” And she’s say “yes” and then you say “is there anything more?” Etc keep doing that until you have repeated back to her in her words what is upsetting her . Then you do empathy where you say “ok so given that you said I don’t spend enough time w you my guess is that would make you feel not appreciated? And perhaps that whatever I am spending my time on is higher priority than you?” After you do that then you switch

Then she asks you what’s bothering you and she repeats back to you in your words what’s bothering you and uses empathy to try and assess how she’d feel in your shoes

It works well since both people put down their defense mechanisms and just 100% focus on the other person. It only works if both willing to do it

 

[Trishie]

@tony22279, I was thinking. Why you stress that you were primarily asking a question, not seeking debate nor even possibly advice, perhaps it’s because you already know and fear what the reply to your actual question is, but you asked hoping it mightn’t be as bad as you fear.

There is little doubt that anger, discord, discontent are lessons a child can and probably will learn from a parent, and that this will most likely become part of the child’s response and future behaviour.

You mention some familiarity with behavioural issues regarding people, so you’ll know not to join your wife when her behaviour is in possible Child. And that if you’re in Parent instead of in Adult to her Child, it will end badly. So you’d have the tools to reduce conflicts, where necessary.

If your wife has a selfish or demanding nature, and not simply perhaps being resentful for legitimate reasons, then she possibly mightn’t change, so it would fall to you to influence your child and nurture him with loving and calm parenting.