Quarrelsome Wives

[Xantippe]

My opinion on a situation like yours, Convert3, is that the spouse has a mental disorder, such as narcissism which we’ve talked about in other threads, or bipolarity which I’ve personally seen causing people to act in the way you describe and often end up estranged from everybody who ever cared about them.

I agree with your whole post.

Note that when somebody is as out there as described by Convert3 and Harmony, you can’t fix them by saying, “I read this thing in the Bible!” or “I found this thing on the internet!” The more serious the issues are, the less likely that that approach is going to bear fruit. If you suspect serious problems like those described by Convert3 and Harmony, you need real help, not internet help.

Also, when a person has serious problems, they often don’t have a lot of self-awareness or insight into themselves, so they see their problems as all coming from outside. Imagine what Convert3’s first wife’s or Harmony’s husband’s post would look like if they turned to the forum for advice! People like that will describe the innocent spouse as the source of all problems and will see the innocent spouse as being “quarrelsome.”

It’s not easy for us to tell the difference between the two online, but I have to say that it’s not a good sign that the OP doesn’t want to describe what conflicts with his wife look like or what they have disagreements over and that he himself has an argumentative writing style.

Again, I strongly recommend the book How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids, a lot of good marriage counseling and psychological evaluations for both parties if the previous steps don’t help enough.

 

[Gingersnaps4]

Maybe the answer is to look at the effects of quarrelsome people on their families, and not just quarrelsome WIVES. Since you are only interested in the outcome and not looking to delve into anything that could be causing it. There are plenty of men out there who are quarrelsome as well, so you are likely to find a lot more info on this if you don’t focus on just the wife. I did read once that children from volatile homes (lots of quarreling and upset) have higher cortisol levels and experience anxiety even into adulthood. I myself come from a very quarrelsome home (in my case it was my dad though) and my siblings and I all have had to deal with excessive anxiety into adulthood, so I do find that to be true.

 

[Wife.of.Gabriel]

I understand the O.P. to be taking seriously that marriage is a path of salvation and that as a spouse, he’s called to love his wife and help her overcome her faults so that he can present her to God as an unblemished bride.

I recommend reading together, or separately, The Ladder of Divine Ascent written by St. John Climacus over a thousand years ago and translated into English by Colm Luibheid and Norman Russell and published by Paulist Press. ISBN 0-8091-2330-4. This book really outlines how to overcome various faults, whether emotional like anger/wrath or whether physical like lust/gluttony. It has some very practical advice which I found very helpful, especially in regards to anger outbursts.

 

[Gingersnaps4]

I have been thinking about this some. I think my issue is with the title of OPs post. “Quarrelsome wives” sounds like you assert there is a whole category of wives out there who just quarrel all the time, or who are identified that way. It would have been much better to say I have I’m having issue with my wife. She seems to quarrel too much. May seem like a minor detail, but if you are on the receiving end of that kind of a descriptor it most likely is not minor to them at all.

That struck me a bit as well. Husbands can definitely be argumentative too, so it’s odd to make this classification as though it’s a female trait or it’s acceptable if the man in the marriage always seems to argue everything.

 

[Emeraldlady]

At this point, I’m not going to defend myself against posters who want to accuse me of being dismissive of my wife’s emotions, concerns, or my own actions that may contribute. All I can say is that I am not that stereotypical guy you may be imagining.

Again, I think it is best if you view my question as “How have you seen an excessively quarrelsome wife impact those around her?”

If you don’t think my question is valid, I guess I’d just ask you not to respond so that the reader that does find it valid may have less to scroll through. Sincerely, thank you to everyone for the responses.

Tony, the problem with asking a random bunch of people this question is that there is really no insight in what sort of a person you are to start with. A counsellor or psychologist would have the skills to gain some background before jumping straight into talking about a specific circumstance. As a woman, I am wary about giving ‘ammunition’ which might harm your wife. But on the other hand you may indeed have an inconsiderate wife.

As examples, I have two relationships that are long term where the wives both have kind of aggressive, argumentative personalities. Both remained married and their children are now grown and independent. The first case, they continued on a combative path until the last few years where although still married, they live somewhat detached lives. He has returned to a first job as a tourist bus driver in Europe for parts of the year. She is still naggy.

The other couple, ended up having a near bust up about 10 years in but went to counselling and have developed a really great relationship now. The husband learnt to not shut down and isolate himself and the wife learnt there really was no benefit or need in being snarky and argumentative and learnt a better way to have her needs met.

As for the children. All of them from both families seem to have not been too scathed in the end. Kids can heal from things as the parents heal and there is always their own initiatives to seek help as adults for residue hurts.

 

[AlNg]

Any suggestion on how to deal with a quarrelsome wife is going to take a certain amount of acceptance by your wife which of course is not always going to happen. Perhaps one element of improving the situation would involve reducing stress. There are a few different ways to reduce stress:

1. Have you heard of theTrappist monk Thomas Merton, who was also a Catholic priest, Father Louis.
   He is famous for his bestselling book: The Seven Story Mountain. He also wrote books on Buddhism, and Taoism and had conversations with the Dalai Lama and other Buddhist monks. Further, I have acquaintance with a few Buddhist friends and I have noticed that they seem to be very peaceful and beautiful people in harmony with themselves, with nature and with their surroundings. IOW, I would recommend that your wife read some works on Buddhist practice such as for example, The Foundations of Buddhist Practice by the present Dalai Lama. I believe that Father Thomas Merton, AKA Father Louis, may have indicated, and as the Dalai Lama himself has said, you don’t have to convert to Buddhism to take advantage of many of its teachings such as putting yourself in harmony with the beauty of nature and to calmly appreciate the worth of our precious human life. And of course there are also many books on meditation and relaxation techniques which may be more attractive to those who may be somewhat averse to Buddhist thought. And there is peaceful music and there are breathing techniques which may help to reduce stress.
2. Another possibility is to watch a movie together which may relieve stress. Some people find comedies such as the Mr. Bean movies to be helpful.
3. A vacation, or even a visit or picnic, to a lake or beach.
4. It will also take a certain amount of effort on your part to avoid getting dragged into her quarrels and staying calm while carrying on.

 

[TheLittleLady]

“Quarrelsome wives”

You know, “Quarrelsome Wives” would be a good band name, maybe for a group who does Roots music/Bluegrass, etc.

 

[Irishmom2]

For your next band, TheLittleLady!

 

[Xantippe]

In trying to express to my wife how some of her behaviors are impacting our home and son, I cannot find many perspectives online that address the impacts of a quarrelsome wife on her home.

This is from the OP.

Again, read the book I mentioned (How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids) because that book talks a lot about the problem of the angry wife and the withdrawing/passive husband and how a couple like that can spiral down. The author and her husband did a lot of interesting stuff to improve their marriage. You really can’t spend a better $12 than to buy that book, read it, have your wife read it, and think about what you can both do differently.

Again, as people have mentioned, it is possible that this isn’t a 50/50 case, but one where your wife is genuinely the problem spouse–but you won’t know that for sure unless you make a good faith effort to change yourself and how you react to your wife.

 

[DisorientingSneeze]

The way in which both spouses handle conflict in the presence of their children creates an imprint that has repercussions for their children’s future relationships.

Beyond that, I do not have an answer that is specific to a wife.

 

[Edmundus1581]

Did she just become quarrelsome? Or was she that way before you married her? If it’s the latter then suck it up buttercup. If it’s the former, that means something changed, and you need to find out what it is, and why. Nobody here can tell you what that is. I think maybe some marriage counseling would be a good thing if you aren’t able to figure this out on your own.

That is a very important point about whether one was given sufficient notice of a characteristic before marriage. I know I was for the much of my own ex-wife’s bad behaviour. It is very common to overlook problematic characteristics in a potential spouse or even be attracted by them and then, after marriage, to.become less accepting or even demand that the partner change. The spouse will naturally resist this.

As you say, “Suck it up, buttercup”, or, more practically, find a way to live with it and minimise the damage to the marriage and children, while taking responsibility for your own decision. Especially, value the good in your spouse which you also saw when you chose them.

(In my own case I was aware of my wife’s superficiality, vanity and spending, but found it quite charming. Common male fault, I suspect. OTOH I was not aware that her “Catholicism” was entirely a pretence. It also was impossible to challenge her about this when she dropped the facade)

 

[Xantippe]

In my own case I was aware of my wife’s superficiality, vanity and spending, but found it quite charming.

I think that is normal for both sexes–while initially in love to find characteristics charming that eventually make us want to murder them after we’ve been living with them for a while. That’s pretty normal, although the seriousness of the characteristics may vary a lot, or we may not realize how serious the problem is until we’ve been with them for a while. And that may be happening to our spouse, too–our little quirks and foibles may be working their last nerve and perhaps provoking “quarrelsomeness,” and they may be realizing how deep and incurable our quirks are.

On the other hand, some people really are hiding their true selves.

 

[Xantippe]

Here is an example of some fairly harmless (but common!) quirks that could drive me insane if I allowed them to.

Husband has trouble keeping track of his keys, wallet, phone, shoes and other personal items and when he is heading out the door, there are frequently a few minutes of panic while he calls for help to track them down so he isn’t too late. Husband also tends to leave at the last minute because he likes to save time/wants to maximize efficiency. Related: despite the fact that I have kept his dresser organized in roughly the same way for the past 15-20 years (underwear-pjs-t-shirts-jogging pants-socks–I can tell you the order of the drawers without evening looking and I could find him this stuff literally blindfolded), he doesn’t know which drawer contains which essential clothing items. There was also a period a few years ago where he was wearing his ratty yard work shirts and pants to work and his nice dress shirts and pants to do yard work, with predictable results…I eventually started putting them in completely different closets.

If husband didn’t have other excellent qualities, didn’t do a lot at home now, weren’t very kind, and if I were otherwise stressed or overworked, it would be easy for me to become “quarrelsome,” and in fact that has happened when husband was imposing this stuff on me in addition to an unfair share of other work (as when our youngest was a toddler and I was melting down from stress due to getting minimal help with toddler from husband and having no outside help). I wasn’t able to be my husband’s “mom” and nice about it in addition to everything else I needed to do. But I’m not overworked now, and I can take it pretty calmly, because “deal with husband’s disorganization calmly” is one of my jobs.

Sometimes a “quarrelsome” wife may be a sign of a woman who is being asked to do too much.

Also, there’s always going to be something that we do that drives our spouse insane that we don’t have a lot of control over, and we need to pick up slack in other respects to make up for it.

Edited to add: Are there ways that husband could reorganize and fix himself, and methods of making sure that you don’t lose your keys? Yeah, but I’ve been married to him for the past 21 years, and he’s not going to change. So I’d better figure out how to live with him, given that he’s going to be doing this stuff until he gets dementia and really can’t help it. How I cope with it is by asking him to do more of other tasks.

(This is advice for normal married people with normal range problems, not people married to crazies, abusers, addicts or cheaters.)

 

[JMMJ]

I wouldn’t come running to help when his consistent inattention to details puts him in a pickle, and I wouldn’t be organizing his dresser for him. Seems like enabling.

Glad he has good qualities that allow you to overlook the not-so-good ones. Sounds like he still brings value to the relationship, which is a good thing. I think the big problems arise when a partner takes more than they bring. It is individual to each relationship.

 

[Xantippe]

Given that I do the laundry and put away the laundry, that means that I’m deciding where to put things.

I wouldn’t come running to help when his consistent inattention to details puts him in a pickle

Yeah, I’m not racing all over the house looking for keys…which usually turn out to be in his pocket. Not kidding.

 

[JMMJ]

My husband and I each do our own laundry and put away our things.

Now in the kitchen, that is another story. My husband does all the cooking and shopping, but some how I wind up doing all the cleaning and putting away. And then he doesn’t put things where they are supposed to go. So I wind up going behind him and doing it. We have had many a “discussion” over that!

 

[JMMJ]

Yeah, I’m not racing all over the house looking for keys…which usually turn out to be in his pocket. Not kidding.

I am what most would consider a highly organized person. However, I get teased a lot for tearing up the house looking for my glasses, only to be told they are sitting on the top of my head!!!

 

[blackforest]

I was hoping I may not find dismissiveness and sarcasm on a Christian site such as this. I’m not just trying to make my wife feel bad; I’m trying to build.

Do you really want to build? Go with your wife and talk to your priest. Get a referral for marriage counseling. Pray for your marriage. Call a sitter and take her to dinner - perhaps where you went on your first date.

Crowd-sourcing your marital issue to seek validation that she’s the one in the wrong will do nothing to “build” your marriage.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Institute for Marital Healing is a Catholic resource (I learned about them on Catholic Answers Live podcast).

https://www.maritalhealing.com/conflicts/angryspouse.php

 

[Brendea]

I couldn’t be bothered reading the whole entire thread so I maybe a little off here.
Mabye the problem isn’t solely her problem mabye there is a reason she is quarrelsome.

Do you give her enough attention, do you spend actual quality time with her when was the last time you took her out for a meal just the 2 of you, when was the last time you told her she was beautiful how do you show your appreciation of her. Sometime when a woman becomes quarrelsome its beacuse something is missing for her or she starts feeling unnapreciated or like her opinion doesn’t count for anything.