Question for men-would you leave your wife if she lost her looks?

[Elena321]

Elena, just out of curiosity, why the focus on physical attractiveness? If you meet a man who loves you you should be able to see, over time, that he finds you beautiful. It’s not something you should be overly concerned about I think. Any guy worth his salt will be looking for what’s on the inside. I find my wife beautiful. But the more I know her the more beautiful she becomes in my eyes. I don’t know or care how the world sees her…to me she’s the most beautiful woman in the world.
Beauty isn’t everything. Physical looks fade with time. If you wish to avoid having a guy leave you after marriage. Look for a guy who respects the bond of marriage. And one who’s family does the same. Ultimately you need to stop being overly focussed on looks and realise that there are men out there who will love you for you, not just for your physical attractiveness.

For me I guess the focus is because I’ve lost my looks & I am surrounded by beautiful women due to my culture and having to constantly hear them compliment/comment each other on their looks.
It now seems to have become a world of everyone trying to outdo each other on looking pretty on facebook post photos.
It wouldn’t be so bothersome if they were just superficial but they often also have inner beauty too (kindness etc) so obviously they will be “chosen” before a woman with just inner beauty.
Ive never ( ok rarely )heard a man state that looks are not important.They all say that inner beauty is ultimately most important but that they need to feel attracted to her looks too.
So its partly cultural (they make it out as if a womens ultimate goal/value is to be pretty) & also partly learnt from family (eg:my mother might say something sadly like my father looks better in photos than her) and they put me in a position where I am meant to say something in response to that but don’t know what to say.

 

[AdamP88]

**For me I guess the focus is because I’ve lost my looks **& I am surrounded by beautiful women due to my culture and having to constantly hear them compliment/comment each other on their looks.
It now seems to have become a world of everyone trying to outdo each other on looking pretty on facebook post photos.
It wouldn’t be so bothersome if they were just superficial but they often also have inner beauty too (kindness etc) so obviously they will be “chosen” before a woman with just inner beauty.
Ive never ( ok rarely )heard a man state that looks are not important.They all say that inner beauty is ultimately most important but that they need to feel attracted to her looks too.
So its partly cultural (they make it out as if a womens ultimate goal/value is to be pretty) & also partly learnt from family (eg:my mother might say something sadly like my father looks better in photos than her) and they put me in a position where I am meant to say something in response to that but don’t know what to say.

Why do you say that?

When I was praying for a wife, looks actually never entered my head. I just prayed for a Catholic woman.

I think there are probably a lot of men like that. Perhaps fewer these days because of the constant barrage of photoshopped supermodels, and porn stars etc. But they exist.

At the end of the day, you’ll wake up next to your wife every morning and she’ll have no makeup, no photoshop, no editing out of lines there because of the stress of family life, or the little bit of stretching from the last baby. That’s life. In my opinion, that will be beautiful to see in one sense, because it’s a reminder of what you’ve been through together.

 

[mommy_k]

I’m not sure where you got that I shot people’s posts down as I didn’t do that.I loved reading people’s perspectives.
Generally speaking-Even if anyone did write a thread that did shoot posts down/or be very negative etc personally I would think a Christian way for me to respond would be to:
1.First check that I wasn’t projecting anything (about self or own feelings) onto them before responding.
2.Try to be patient +kind & “put myself in their shoes” when answering.
3.If I felt “frustrated” (or any other negative emotion) at their negativity,recognise it’s my own emotions and practice self -control and not respond at all.
Personally I feel it would be better to not say anything at all than me risk hurting another person/the OP but I’m not a “great” Catholic so maybe I’m wrong…

I also don’t think physical attractiveness is all that matters and never stated that.

I am not trying to be unkind, and my intention is to help.but have read some of your threads that closely matches the style of someone who is suffering.

The one post that was indicative of that was in spirituality, where you asked if it was a sin to leave the Catholic church and join another one to meet a man. To leave the Holy Church to find soneone, or to think you have to do this to meet someone is extreme in my opinion, and needs direction. It is all from the sin of pride, and you can be directed better.

This is why I recommended to see a priest or therapist, as that thread took on a life of it’s own.if you are uncertain of some things it’s always best to speak to a professional–i am sure you have a parish priest.

 

[Rosebud77]

Some people post on CatholicAnswersForum that are from other countries.
I am not from USA.
As a general info it it interest you,healthcare systems in other countries different than USA.
Here,a one hour “therapist” session is roughly $200-$300 per hour.
I’m not sure if there is copay/Medicare type option in the public system,but even if there is,generally people have a long waiting period in the public system & it is “stretched” due to high demand>supply.
As much as I am aware,in USA there are also many types of “therapists” with one on each corner(so to speak).
Here,there is no such thing(occupation) as Therapist,only Psychologist.They have the monopoly of the market.
I think there is much fewer of them per capita than in US too.
There is also no such thing as Catholic/Christian therapist/psychologist here either.

((((Elena)))) it is the same here in ireland, I checked as I had no idea. Yes the public service has huge waiting lists and you get no choice who you see

Please do not worry, There was at least one post here attacking me and yes it does hurt but we stand firm and are here for each other… Know we are here for you, pm if you need to please.

The thread reminded me irresistibly of an old black and white film I saw on TV. Famous cast but I have no head for names…, Basically a scarred war veteran falls in love with an “ugly” woman. When they are looking at each other, the camera shows them radiant, beautiful, unscarred, This only happens at a special house, Is not beauty in the eye of the beholder? If we love, we see beauty … whatever the scarring etc…
“Grow old along of me… The best is yet to be…”

 

[PaulfromIowa]

it is a known fact that young and beautiful women get preferential treatment in our culture. They might as well have magic mirrors, where they say, “Mirror, mirror, on the wall…” You know the rest. Sometimes a man will get rid of his older, less attractive wife to marry a much younger, beautiful trophy. It may be that he thinks his wife no longer fits in.

youtu.be/9NF5XU-k2Vk

Never make a pretty woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

A pretty woman makes her husband look small
And very often causes his downfall
As soon as he married her and then she starts
To do the things that will break his heart

But if you make an ugly woman your wife
A-you’ll be happy for the rest of your life
An ug-a-ly woman cooks meals on time
And she’ll always give you peace of mind

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

[Sax solo]

Don’t let your friends say you have no taste
Go ahead and marry anyway
Though her face is ugly, her eyes don’t match
Take it from me, she’s a better catch

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

[Spoken:]
Say man!
Hey baby!
I saw your wife the other day!
Yeah?
Yeah, an’ she’s ug-leeee!
Yeah, she’s ugly, but she sure can cook, baby!
Yeah, alright!

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

 

[AdamP88]

Never make a pretty woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

A pretty woman makes her husband look small
And very often causes his downfall
As soon as he married her and then she starts
To do the things that will break his heart

But if you make an ugly woman your wife
A-you’ll be happy for the rest of your life
An ug-a-ly woman cooks meals on time
And she’ll always give you peace of mind

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

[Sax solo]

Don’t let your friends say you have no taste
Go ahead and marry anyway
Though her face is ugly, her eyes don’t match
Take it from me, she’s a better catch

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

[Spoken:]
Say man!
Hey baby!
I saw your wife the other day!
Yeah?
Yeah, an’ she’s ug-leeee!
Yeah, she’s ugly, but she sure can cook, baby!
Yeah, alright!

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life
Never make a pretty woman your wife
So for my personal point of view
Get an ugly girl to marry you

I prefer this one:

youtube.com/watch?v=Mk7-GRWq7wA

 

[Elena321]

I am not trying to be unkind, and my intention is to help.but have read some of your threads that closely matches the style of someone who is suffering.

The one post that was indicative of that was in spirituality, where you asked if it was a sin to leave the Catholic church and join another one to meet a man. To leave the Holy Church to find soneone, or to think you have to do this to meet someone is extreme in my opinion, and needs direction. It is all from the sin of pride, and you can be directed better.

This is why I recommended to see a priest or therapist, as that thread took on a life of it’s own.if you are uncertain of some things it’s always best to speak to a professional–i am sure you have a parish priest.

Thanks for your reply.
I think you might be reading way too much into my posts/making connections that aren’t there.
The thread in the spirituality section wasn’t connected to this one in anyway.
My “tone” wasn’t nearly as deep as I think you read it to be or a “suffering tone”.Ie:I wasn’t contemplating leaving the Catholic church “for a man” lol (omg),or feeling I would change my beliefs “for a man”, I was simply asking (in a curious tone) if its a sin to attend another type of Church/denom casually due to curiosity or for social purpose (regardless whether with the opposite sex or not as single/younger people here tend to go to the more “trendy” churches).

Regarding pride-your probably right that I do have pride.Can you elaborate?

 

[Elena321]

I prefer this one:

youtube.com/watch?v=Mk7-GRWq7wA

Love that John Legend song.

 

[Elena321]

((((Elena)))) it is the same here in ireland, I checked as I had no idea. Yes the public service has huge waiting lists and you get no choice who you see

Please do not worry, There was at least one post here attacking me and yes it does hurt but we stand firm and are here for each other… Know we are here for you, pm if you need to please.

The thread reminded me irresistibly of an old black and white film I saw on TV. Famous cast but I have no head for names…, Basically a scarred war veteran falls in love with an “ugly” woman. When they are looking at each other, the camera shows them radiant, beautiful, unscarred, This only happens at a special house, Is not beauty in the eye of the beholder? If we love, we see beauty … whatever the scarring etc…
“Grow old along of me… The best is yet to be…”

Thanks for your post Rosebud.It means a lot to me.

 

[AdamP88]

Love that John Legend song.

Yeah. It’s true though. People might say “Oh hollywood romanticism…doesn’t exist in real life…etc”. I think this song is a pretty good example of what true love is supposed to be.

 

[Elena321]

youtu.be/9NF5XU-k2Vk

Do you believe it lol?

 

[Sarcelle]

Sadly a few years ago, many men on CAF said they would give their overweight wives an ultimatum of “lose weight or else”. So, I would not be at all surprised in there were men who said “yes” to the OP’s question.

It really drives home what our holy Father has said about so many Catholics who don’t understand marriage at all.

I have lurked in too many a Christian forum where men have opined that they not only had a right but a duty to leave their wives if their wives lost their looks.

Granted these boards are most Evangelical Christian boards but still.

 

[Xantippe]

I thought personal attacks were forbidden here? Incidentally I do not buy cats, All mine are rescued… reported your post

I wasn’t attacking the OP–I was just saying that there is no reason to tell her to accept her situation (whatever it is) because it may be that her situation is not what she thinks it is or that it’s not as permanent as she thinks it is.

I just do not get the vibe that the OP has explored all of her (moral) options.

 

[Xantippe]

This thread was meant to be a hypothetical question.

Generally speaking,even if I/someone was suffering still from low self esteem so what?Thats my issue alone.
Why would “another poster” be bothered by it?

“Hypothetically,” let’s say I’m bothered by seeing the same exact issues raised over and over again.

 

[AdamP88]

“Hypothetically,” let’s say I’m bothered by seeing the same exact issues raised over and over again.

Well…hypothetically you don’t have to comment on threads that bother you. In all fairness, your first comment was a bit blunt.

If you never wanted to see threads on similar topics you’d also have to ban threads on:

Masturbation/struggling with impurity
Submission of wives to husbands
Sexual Ethics
NFP
Homosexuality in family
Attending weddings of family who are not in the Church
Fraternal correction
etc. etc.

 

[Irishmom2]

“Hypothetically,” let’s say I’m bothered by seeing the same exact issues raised over and over again.

We are all free to not post on threads we are bothered by seeing though. It is not up to us to tell anyone that we are tired of seeing new threads about the same things. It is not up to us to decide that someone has posted on a topic too many times. Obviously when one posts, they are fulfilling a need they have to ask a question.

 

[mommy_k]

Thanks for your reply.
I think you might be reading way too much into my posts/making connections that aren’t there.
The thread in the spirituality section wasn’t connected to this one in anyway.
My “tone” wasn’t nearly as deep as I think you read it to be or a “suffering tone”.Ie:I wasn’t contemplating leaving the Catholic church “for a man” lol (omg),or feeling I would change my beliefs “for a man”, I was simply asking (in a curious tone) if its a sin to attend another type of Church/denom casually due to curiosity or for social purpose (regardless whether with the opposite sex or not as single/younger people here tend to go to the more “trendy” churches).

Regarding pride-your probably right that I do have pride.Can you elaborate?

Yes…just remember my intention is to help, not hurt. The title of the thread was vague and it seemed to me you were considering leaving over this.

Pride is basically going against what God says is true…In this case,. God says we are all beautifully and wonderfully made, all of us.

We are also called to trust God timing, and know that the gifts we have or others have, are not of the persons doing…they all come from God.

On another note:

Now, you said you lost your looks, was this due to a trauma?

 

[GEddie]

Maybe this is the case if their world view is quite “anti Christian view” and about pro abortion,feminism(in the bad way),pro gay marriage or not having values of kindness,faithfulness etc but if their world view is more compatible and consists of family values,kindness,compassion to the poor,loyalty and trust etc is it then ok?

It is ok if those undertaking it are ok with it. It is just my, again INWHO that to do so is a mistake.

If we are going to anchor ourself to someone for life, the core values need to be the same and that, to me, includes religion.

I also believe that the current culture of “looking for someone” via dating, flirting etc. can be, to an extent, a mistake.

ICXC NIKA

 

[DeniseNY]

We are all free to not post on threads we are bothered by seeing though. It is not up to us to tell anyone that we are tired of seeing new threads about the same things. It is not up to us to decide that someone has posted on a topic too many times. Obviously when one posts, they are fulfilling a need they have to ask a question.

 

[Strydersroom]

Sadly, many men leave their beautiful, yes even supermodel wives or cheat on them. Pretty mind boggling, but I suspect one gets “sick, tired, or bored” with the other which means they probably shouldn’t have not gotten married in the first place imo.