Question re: Husband staring at other females

[Lou2U]

I find it very disturbing that he feels a need to “punish” you for calling him out on his disrespectful behavior. He is disrespecting you, and he is disrespecting the women he is staring at.

You are not being overly sensitive. I am very sorry that your husband is treating you this way.

I completely agree - you shouldn’t have to explain why him staring at other women hurts you. I would turn this around on him - ask him why he thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to do it, even when he knows how it makes you feel.

Lou

 

[Confiteor_Deo]

I’m not married, but from what I have seen in my own parents’ marriage, this is not normal. My mother would be quite upset if my father lusted after women right in front of her, especially if he stared for as long as your husband does. He needs to consider how his actions are affecting you. Perhaps you could try to be tougher and insist he consider your feelings. This is from a single person, though, so it might not be the best advice.

 

[Lorelei12]

Married or not, it is creepy when a man, or woman for that matter, “ogles” someone they are attracted to. I don’t think you’re being overly sensitive at all.

This has never happened to me with my husband (he has always been very respectful of me and other women in general, and would consider it rude to look at someone like that even if I was not with him). If it were me in your position, I would probably stop going places with him until he could show me that he respected me by keeping his attention on me when we were out. You can’t make him act any differently, but you can be clear with him about what you will and will not put up with.

 

[bmaj]

I’d bring it up at the time. I’d ask him what he’s looking at (in maybe even a loud voice) when he’s obvious about it. And sort of crane my neck too. If he shifts position I’d do it too. If he stares off in one angle too long I’d offer to put sunscreen on whatever part of him’s most exposed in that. And maybe I’d ask him if he wanted me to take a picture so he could bring it home.

Or something.

Sorry if this doesn’t help. But I’d call it out when I saw it.

Peace bmaj. And good luck.

Sorry guys can be like this.

-Trident

I really like the suggestion of addressing it each time it happens and offering to take a photo so he could bring it home, Trident! You may have been more helpful than you realize… I often bite my tongue and hold it in because we’re out in a public place or with someone we know, but it hurts so much inside to do that. Thanks very much for taking the time to respond. I appreciate it. God’s blessings always to you.

 

[Mark121359]

It goes along with the fact that *** he doesn’t think he ever does anything wrong and therefore never needs to go to Confession*** - and hasn’t since he was very young (yet still receives the Holy Eucharist…), but that’s another very difficult issue in itself.

I had to put up boundaries in the past when I discovered he was viewing pornography,

And yet he feels he never does anything wrong, and never needs confession?..Interesting!

Am I being overly sensitive?

Uh…no, you’re in no way being overly sensitive. I can’t even begin to imagine the anguish that you’re being put through. God Bless you bmaj! Saint Louis and Saint Zélie Martin, pray for them!

---

Peace, Mark***

 

[Eliza10]

In my opinion, you have a serious problem. First is his creepy gawking behavior. Second is he does not respond to your nice, clear protest about it. Third is that he puts you down for your opinion. All three are red flags - they just get worse and worse. If you want to find out if your marriage can be saved - because its NOT looking good - you should get some good Catholic marraige counseling. Even if you have to go alone - in case he is the type who says, “I’'m fine. I don’t need counseling.” Because he might be…

I’d tell him that at the time.
“Husband, you’re acting like a creeper.” And just say it every time until he stops acting like a creeper.

Women do not like to be stared at.

I think this is a very good response. You already told him how it makes your feel - and that truly seems to egg him one. So better off making like it doesn’t make you feel bad - you just think it makes him look* creepy.* He may well respond to that. And its the truth! Gross. Also, you need to know what is going on in his head. If you truly put on like you do not care, only that he seems like a creep when he does it, then you will find out if he is doing it particularly to make you squirm. It actually sure sounds like that to me. But best to get a professional opinion on that. Which I really think you need. A good Catholic counselor, not some counselor that might say being attracted to others can add pep to your sex life.

 

[bmaj]

I’m a married man, and even I would feel uncomfortable if I saw a fellow man behaving in that way. Being touchy / sensitive has nothing to with it - it’s to do with modesty and custody of the eyes. Unfortunately, those are unfashionable concepts in our day and age. Jesus was quite explicit in Matthew 5: 28, and who are we to argue with our Saviour?

(By the way, is your husband Catholic?)

Thanks for the biblical (name removed by moderator)ut, RPRPsych. You’re right about the unfashionable concepts in our current day and age, unfortunately. Yes, my husband is Catholic - unfortunately a cafeteria one at that who chooses to follow only those teachings which he wishes to. God’s blessings to you.

 

[bmaj]

I’d tell him that at the time.
“Husband, you’re acting like a creeper.” And just say it every time until he stops acting like a creeper.

Women do not like to be stared at.

I like that suggestion, on the hill. Will likely use it in the future as appropriate. You’re right - most women don’t like to be stared at. Will have to mention that tidbit to him as well next time it happens. Thanks very much for the (name removed by moderator)ut. God’s blessings to you.

 

[Eliza10]

I like that suggestion, on the hill. Will likely use it in the future as appropriate. You’re right - most women don’t like to be stared at. Will have to mention that tidbit to him as well next time it happens. Thanks very much for the (name removed by moderator)ut. God’s blessings to you.

I’m glad you like this suggestion that I like too. I suggest you keep it BRIEF - since you found that explaining yourself means nothing. Focus on NOT acting like it insults or bothers you, ONLY that you are looking at him looking like a creep with this weird behavior. And creeps are bores, so, don’t give it too much attention! If he does not respond to you, just WALK AWAY. (You can explain, you were acting like a creep, and I didn’t want to be seen with you acting that way).

In college in a nearby park there was a flasher, who shocked me when bike-riding alone - called my attention and there he was in all his exposure. My first and only such experience. Apparently he was always there. Well when my roommate (from the city, more savvy, even though she looked small and frail) was walking alone and he flashed her, she spoke and said as if mildly annoyed, “Go away! You are bothering my peaceful walk!” It implied that she was NOT shocked (what he was going for, and what he got from me - I made his day) but simply found him like a bothersome fly. She was smart (and more learned on the matter).

So if the reaction he is hoping to get is pleading nice talks from you about how you are hurt, so he can pretend that you are ridiculous for having an pinion, better not give him that reaction. Sometimes you have to be *smart, *instead of sincere or transparent, especially when you have been clearly taught that your sincerity is tread upon like hooves on pearls…

 

[davidlmartin196]

Am I the only wife who feels terribly hurt when their husband stares at the well-shaped bodies of other women in public? I don’t mean just a passing glance, but a long, fixated stare - so much so that their eyes often follow the (usually young) woman or girl as they walk until they’re out of sight,and they sometimes even adjust their stance or seat so they can ogle better and longer. This is most noticeable at the beach but also occurs in many other public areas as well, unfortunately. If I try to gently mention (in private) that it’s painful for me as a wife to witness, my husband insists he’s doing absolutely nothing wrong and harshly verbally admonishes me, even continuing to the point of giving me the cold shoulder for days afterwards as “punishment.”

Does this happen in other marriages, or is it just mine? Am I being overly sensitive? Can anyone recommend what I can possibly say to help him understand the hurt it brings me? Any (name removed by moderator)ut would be greatly appreciated.

As a widower and blessed by God to have found another wonderful woman, I say your husband is wrong and disrespectful on so many levels. I am not perfect and will never claim to be but I believe men should always show respect to their wife or significant other. You most definitely are not being overly sensitive.

 

[bmaj]

I would say immature - I did that before I was married, in my early 20’s.

For OP, my prayers…

Thank you so much for the prayers, Crusaderbear. They’re much appreciated. And you’re right, it does sound extremely immature, especially for a much older man like him. May Our Dear Lord bless you always for your kindness.

 

[bmaj]

I agree with RPRPsych Having been married for over 30 years I can honestly say that I have never “deliberately” starred at another woman because I know that God gave me my perfect mate. I say deliberately because I “once” did ogle at another woman at work. I’m not making excuses but she was dressed in a very short skirt and a top about two sizes too small. I caught myself, stopped and turned away.

If your husband gets upset I feel there may be some inner problems. (I’m no analyst though). Have you talked with your priest? If not I would recommend you go see him ASAP.

And yes, you have a right to be terribly hurt. Don’t the vows he took during the marriage ceremony mean anything to him? Starring at other women with apparent lust is not being “true” nor honoring you. He is dishonoring you big-time by his acts. In my opinion he is acting like a middle school boy whose hormones are going berserk.

Pray to St. Joseph for him.

Thank you for your insight, TobyLue. Yes, I spoke with the Priest several years ago when the porn was an even worse issue than this. His recommendations were helpful, but the pain is still there. Praying for St. Joseph’s intercession is a good idea. Thanks, and God’s blessings to you.

 

[Irishmom2]

“What do you think you are doing? Staring at a woman like that is just creepy and you need to just knock it off right now. It is disrespectful to me, and it is just wrong. You look like a pervert leering at her.”

And then, I would walk away.

And probably be willing to not talk to him for the rest of the day.

 

[pianistclare]

“What do you think you are doing? Staring at a woman like that is just creepy and you need to just knock it off right now. It is disrespectful to me, and it is just wrong. You look like a pervert leering at her.”

And then, I would walk away.

And probably be willing to not talk to him for the rest of the day.

Yes. Tell him also that it’s immature and hurtful.
That the woman in question would likely call the police if she realized it.
He doesn’t want to be labeled by cops as a predator, now does he?
Immature. He needs custody of his eyes.
Tell him the creep meter is pinging. Bigtime.

 

[Allegra]

I second marital counseling because it sounds like a bigger problem than just his leering at other women. However, I don’t think I would be in public with a man who was doing that. I would say to him, “Both she and I deserve more respect than that an its embarrassing to be seen with you in public behaving in this immature and boorish manner. If you continue to do it, I’m leaving and I’ll find better company on the beach.”

 

[WillyAL]

From an old Seinfeld episode:

"Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don’t stare at it. It’s too risky. You look just long enough to get a sense of it, then you look away. "

 

[TobyLue]

Someone once said “The eyes are the window to the soul”. But better still Matthew 6:22-23
22 “The lamp of the body is the eye. If your eye is sound, your whole body will be filled with light; 23 but if your eye is bad, your whole body will be in darkness. And if the light in you is darkness, how great will the darkness be."

 

[Truth_Faith13]

My husband has never looked at another woman that I have noticed. Im sure many men sneak a quick glance now and then but to the extent to which you are describing is just plain wrong (especially as he does it in front of you, not that him doing out of your sight would make it right!)

I may be reading too much into this, but I am slightly concerned by some of what I am reading and I wonder if there is more to this?

You say he has watched pornography but doesnt think he has ever done anything wrong? You also say that he clearly disrespects you in public by staring at other women, but then punishes you when you mention it? However you also say he is a good husband and provider?

These are red flags for me for a controlling relationship. Maybe some marriage counselling would help?

 

[bmaj]

I’m sure you aren’t.

That is not normal behavior.

I’m sorry that this happens to you. While it is not a problem in my own marriage, I am sure it is not unheard of in many relationships.

Thank you, 1ke. I appreciate the (name removed by moderator)ut. God’s blessings to you.

 

[bmaj]

I find it very disturbing that he feels a need to “punish” you for calling him out on his disrespectful behavior. He is disrespecting you, and he is disrespecting the women he is staring at.

You are not being overly sensitive. I am very sorry that your husband is treating you this way.

Thanks very much, Javan, for your (name removed by moderator)ut. It is appreciated. You’re correct. It feels disrespectful all around to me as well, but he doesn’t look at it like that, unfortunately. Our Lord’s blessings always to you.