Question re: Husband staring at other females

[pensmama87]

I recently went to the sea side.
You can not look at anything except girls.
And the question I asked myself.
What an idiot I am that being unmarried man , to go consciously to the beach, and in the past I remember many times that this constant carnival of girlish beauty leads to discomfort.
You know what?
Sea side is not for christians!
It does not matter or are you married or unmarried, young or old, - beach is not for Christian man!
It is possible and even necessary to go to the mountains.
You can think of different recreation in the nature, but the beach is not a place for young men(if he is a christian).
I think that the workers in the field of God, who profess a modest lifestyle and who know how the eye is sensitive to sin, will agree with me.

We go to the beach (almost) every year. We see dunes, and birds, sea creatures, and you know, that big thing called the ocean.

Of course, we go to a beach that is not crowded that caters to families and not the “spring break” crowd (binge drinking young adults). It’s very peaceful and relaxing, and prayerful, too, especially in the morning and evening hours. There are people who dress immodestly, both men and women, but it’s not rampant and we can avert our eyes temporarily when needed. This is what mature people do, and what we teach our sons to do (“That woman needs her privacy because she is not dressed; it is not polite or respectful to stare at her.”)

I think if normal beach attire does pose a major temptation for a man that it is probably best avoided, but again, that impulse has to come from within if it’s going to resolve itself. He has to admit the temptation to himself and then take positive steps to address it. The OP’s husband doesn’t seem to be there yet.

I’m glad you enjoy the mountains. I live in hill country and I love it, too.

 

[LethalMouse]

We go to the beach (almost) every year. We see dunes, and birds, sea creatures, and you know, that big thing called the ocean.

Of course, we go to a beach that is not crowded that caters to families and not the “spring break” crowd (binge drinking young adults). It’s very peaceful and relaxing, and prayerful, too, especially in the morning and evening hours. There are people who dress immodestly, both men and women, but it’s not rampant and we can avert our eyes temporarily when needed. This is what mature people do, and what we teach our sons to do (“That woman needs her privacy because she is not dressed; it is not polite or respectful to stare at her.”)

I think if normal beach attire does pose a major temptation for a man that it is probably best avoided, but again, that impulse has to come from within if it’s going to resolve itself. He has to admit the temptation to himself and then take positive steps to address it. The OP’s husband doesn’t seem to be there yet.

I’m glad you enjoy the mountains. I live in hill country and I love it, too.

Personal weakness…

Just because you can see girls does not mean you NEED to lust etc.

There is nothing that is truly inherently immodest, there is only lines drawn by personal weakness.

Same is of all “near occasions”

 

[bmaj]

I recently went to the sea side.
You can not look at anything except girls.
And the question I asked myself.
What an idiot I am that being unmarried man , to go consciously to the beach, and in the past I remember many times that this constant carnival of girlish beauty leads to discomfort.
You know what?
Sea side is not for christians!
It does not matter or are you married or unmarried, young or old, - beach is not for Christian man!
It is possible and even necessary to go to the mountains.
You can think of different recreation in the nature, but the beach is not a place for young men(if he is a christian).
I think that the workers in the field of God, who profess a modest lifestyle and who know how the eye is sensitive to sin, will agree with me.

You’re right, Athanasiy - there are a lot fewer temptations of the eyes when going to the mountains than to the sea shore, but the ocean is so amazing that it’s hard to resist going there as a family or a couple. I imagine it must be difficult for Priests to vacation at the shore and not be tempted to stare, but hopefully most of them are a lot stronger in their willpower than my husband is. He’s Catholic, but he isn’t young, so I would think that would help, but it doesn’t seem to… God’s blessings to you always!

 

[Elena321]

Am I the only wife who feels terribly hurt when their husband stares at the well-shaped bodies of other women in public? I don’t mean just a passing glance, but a long, fixated stare - so much so that their eyes often follow the (usually young) woman or girl as they walk until they’re out of sight,and they sometimes even adjust their stance or seat so they can ogle better and longer. This is most noticeable at the beach but also occurs in many other public areas as well, unfortunately. If I try to gently mention (in private) that it’s painful for me as a wife to witness, my husband insists he’s doing absolutely nothing wrong and harshly verbally admonishes me, even continuing to the point of giving me the cold shoulder for days afterwards as “punishment.”

Does this happen in other marriages, or is it just mine? Am I being overly sensitive? Can anyone recommend what I can possibly say to help him understand the hurt it brings me? Any (name removed by moderator)ut would be greatly appreciated.

I would feel hurt too.Its even more easy to feel hurtful when you don’t feel happy about your own looks.

 

[bmaj]

We go to the beach (almost) every year. We see dunes, and birds, sea creatures, and you know, that big thing called the ocean.

Of course, we go to a beach that is not crowded that caters to families and not the “spring break” crowd (binge drinking young adults). It’s very peaceful and relaxing, and prayerful, too, especially in the morning and evening hours. There are people who dress immodestly, both men and women, but it’s not rampant and we can avert our eyes temporarily when needed. This is what mature people do, and what we teach our sons to do (“That woman needs her privacy because she is not dressed; it is not polite or respectful to stare at her.”)

I think if normal beach attire does pose a major temptation for a man that it is probably best avoided, but again, that impulse has to come from within if it’s going to resolve itself. He has to admit the temptation to himself and then take positive steps to address it. The OP’s husband doesn’t seem to be there yet.

I’m glad you enjoy the mountains. I live in hill country and I love it, too.

I LOVE what you’re teaching your sons, pensmama! Great job as parents. I get the feeling that my husband did not have that kind of training when he was young. In fact, he may have even seen his own father enjoying looking at various times, and that is possibly where it all began. I don’t know for sure, but it seems it may have been a possibility. If so, I imagine I should try to be more understanding with him, but it’s hard. You’re right, he doesn’t seem to be “there yet,” but I pray that he will now be at least trying. Time will tell. Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut, and God bless you and your family!

 

[The_Bucket]

He goes to counseling, or you walk out the door. It’s that simple.

Quite the hot take from a “traditional Catholic.”

Come on bro.

Look, we’ve all been there as men. All of us. Looked when we should not have. This is a very, very common sin. But just because it’s common doesn’t mean it’s okay.

If this was a case where the OP says “my husband did this one or two times and it hurts” I’d be fine with saying "it hurts, it was wrong, but you should forgive him as it’s very easy for men to commit this sin and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you.

But we’re talking a pattern of behavior here. And I think the OP has been given a lot of strong advice. She doesn’t need piling on from a guy who is basically white-knighting for another dude, which, to be quite honest, is really weird.

I’m not piling on to the husband here. I have plenty, plenty plenty of experience in struggling with lust. Understanding the issue and even having sympathy given my own experience and my own behavior, doesn’t incline me to excuse it.

It’s wrong. It just is. It’s a prime example of adultery of the heart. That doesn’t make it as bad as, you know, an affair, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t extremely hurtful and very damaging to the marital bond when there’s a long-established pattern of behavior.

We men struggle. Even good men fall from time to time. But it’s our responsibility to get up and ask for forgiveness and strength from the Father. Our struggles don’t make us bad people. But refusing the Lord’s helping hand? Yeah. That can make you a bad person indeed.

Been there. Done that. It’s a dark, dark place.

 

[bmaj]

I would feel hurt too.Its even more easy to feel hurtful when you don’t feel happy about your own looks.

Thanks for responding, Elena. Yes, that can make it even worse on the self-esteem. Fortunately I’m not overweight, but I definitely am many years older than the teenage girls and women my husband ogles, so it can be rough. Peace and God’s love to you!

 

[bmaj]

Quite the hot take from a “traditional Catholic.”

…If this was a case where the OP says “my husband did this one or two times and it hurts” I’d be fine with saying "it hurts, it was wrong, but you should forgive him as it’s very easy for men to commit this sin and it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you.

But we’re talking a pattern of behavior here. And I think the OP has been given a lot of strong advice. She doesn’t need piling on from a guy who is basically white-knighting for another dude, which, to be quite honest, is really weird.

I’m not piling on to the husband here. I have plenty, plenty plenty of experience in struggling with lust. Understanding the issue and even having sympathy given my own experience and my own behavior, doesn’t incline me to excuse it.

It’s wrong. It just is. It’s a prime example of adultery of the heart. That doesn’t make it as bad as, you know, an affair, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t extremely hurtful and very damaging to the marital bond when there’s a long-established pattern of behavior.

We men struggle. Even good men fall from time to time. But it’s our responsibility to get up and ask for forgiveness and strength from the Father. Our struggles don’t make us bad people. But refusing the Lord’s helping hand? Yeah. That can make you a bad person indeed.

Been there. Done that. It’s a dark, dark place.

Thanks for the very honest response from a man’s perspective, Bucket. I appreciate it. God’s grace and love be with you always.

 

[estesbob]

Hate to disappoint, but there is no ill will or “deep hurt” from anyone in my life. My marital status is irrelevant.

If it is truly as bad as you describe, then it’s a very unhealthy relationship and you need to separate.

It doesn’t matter if he has other “good qualities”, or if you think that “other men” might act the same, or if you’re “generally happy” the rest of the time. If you were really happy about your marriage, you wouldn’t have posted here.

He goes to counseling, or you walk out the door. It’s that simple.

Which is totally contrary to the teachings of the Church.

 

[StGerardMajella]

Which is totally contrary to the teachings of the Church.

Incorrect. If a marital spouse is being abusive - whether that abuse is physical, emotional, or psychological - and refuses counseling, then the marriage partner has both a moral obligation and a legal right to protect themselves.

In this case, if the allegations are true, then the husband is being both emotionally manipulative, psychologically abusive, and adulterous. The husband is also refusing treatment or counseling.

The wife - under these circumstances - has every right to separate from the husband.

The right to separate is most emphatically not against Catholic teaching. The Church does not require spouses to remain in abusive relationships.

 

[Athanasiy]

You’re right, Athanasiy - there are a lot fewer temptations of the eyes when going to the mountains than to the sea shore, but the ocean is so amazing that it’s hard to resist going there as a family or a couple. I imagine it must be difficult for Priests to vacation at the shore and not be tempted to stare, but hopefully most of them are a lot stronger in their willpower than my husband is. He’s Catholic, but he isn’t young, so I would think that would help, but it doesn’t seem to… God’s blessings to you always!

usually when you look at girl you inspire yourself that you look at a flower, but God forbid the sinful revolution in the mind of man. sometimes it can be like water current that will bring so far that the man has no control over it.
when I tried to analyze the history of sinful falls of some individuals I have come to the conclusion that there is a similar chronology of its own in every story.
-lack of prayer life-neglect of church attendance-not participation in any ministry- and later (as a result) open flirting with other women and so on …
we can say that all men are the same, but I would say that the wife must learn her husband, and to prove that he does not need anything or anyone.
it is necessary to pray for the sanctification of the husband.
some times the hyper-active lifestyle helps to escape the temptations, if i am always busy i have no time to think about any thing else, may be - beach, or walking at the park in the evening not always the best place for both.
Some husbands are extremely impulsive and brilliant/genious wives after learning of her husband by her indulgence will preserve the family for the future.
Job was a righteous man and a man of wisdom, he says ‘’ i have a covenant with my eyes’ why should i look upon a young woman?" Job was suffering but by the wisdom, he probably prevented himself from another extra suffering. constant anxiety, constant delight,
constant excitement and body perturbation- all this is also a kind of suffering,
but only through the grace and wisdom of God the man can be released from this addiction.

 

[Geist]

f I try to gently mention (in private) that it’s painful for me as a wife to witness, my husband insists he’s doing absolutely nothing wrong and harshly verbally admonishes me, even continuing to the point of giving me the cold shoulder for days afterwards as “punishment.”

This is your real problem.

 

[bmaj]

This is your real problem.

I think you’re probably right about that, Geist. Those actions actually hurt worse than the staring itself. Thanks for the response, and God bless.

 

[estesbob]

Incorrect. If a marital spouse is being abusive - whether that abuse is physical, emotional, or psychological - and refuses counseling, then the marriage partner has both a moral obligation and a legal right to protect themselves.

In this case, if the allegations are true, then the husband is being both emotionally manipulative, psychologically abusive, and adulterous. The husband is also refusing treatment or counseling.

The wife - under these circumstances - has every right to separate from the husband.

The right to separate is most emphatically not against Catholic teaching. The Church does not require spouses to remain in abusive relationships.

Sorry-I thought you were recommending divorce.

 

[Geist]

I think you’re probably right about that, Geist. Those actions actually hurt worse than the staring itself. Thanks for the response, and God bless.

Based on your post I think your husband is a garden variety bully. What to do about it, I don’t know, sorry.

 

[bmaj]

Based on your post I think your husband is a garden variety bully. What to do about it, I don’t know, sorry.

Thanks, Geist. I don’t know. Can one be a part-time Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde bully? A good part of the time he can be considerate and kind – which makes it even harder for me to know what to say to him or do to help him understand.

 

[The_Bucket]

Thanks, Geist. I don’t know. Can one be a part-time Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde bully? A good part of the time he can be considerate and kind – which makes it even harder for me to know what to say to him or do to help him understand.

Yes. You can.

Hi

You’re describing me. At least, you’re describing the way I was when I wasn’t actively battling my own problems. I’m very, very far from perfect. But volatile and passive-aggressive was basically my thing for a number of years when I was doing absolutely nothing to fight pornography addiction.

 

[bmaj]

Yes. You can.

Hi

You’re describing me. At least, you’re describing the way I was when I wasn’t actively battling my own problems. I’m very, very far from perfect. But volatile and passive-aggressive was basically my thing for a number of years when I was doing absolutely nothing to fight pornography addiction.

Wow. That’s eye-opening, Bucket, especially since my husband also dealt with the porn addiction as you did several years ago. I thought he was mainly “over it,” but maybe not - or maybe not entirely? Is it possible that the guilt he feels from that is helping to fuel his anger and bullying over the staring issue? Is it possible he’s staring so much and refusing to apologize because he feels too guilty to use the porn anymore? Is it possible he’s bullying because I’ve called him out on the staring when that might actually be his last resort if he can’t view porn anymore? I do notice that he channel surfs a lot when I’m not in the room, and I’ll sometimes find him looking at very suggestive shows with women scantilly dressed and such, and then he quickly flips the channel to something else when he sees me nearby, so I have been concerned about that, too. Thank you very much for the insight, Bucket. There’s an awful lot to think about here… God’s blessings to you.

 

[Geist]

Thanks, Geist. I don’t know. Can one be a part-time Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde bully? A good part of the time he can be considerate and kind – which makes it even harder for me to know what to say to him or do to help him understand.

I’m going to back to childhood here, so it won’t be applicable to an adult married couple, but I was both a bully and bullied. When I was bullying it was about seizing power and control…and when I was bullied it was power and control being taken away from me.

Admittedly the former felt great, but the latter not so great. Taught me empathy at least.

IMO the stuff about bullies “needing to be loved” is kind of sentimental nonsense (I wasn’t abused or anything, home life was good, etc.); it was always about power and using to to feel powerful.

In trying to extrapolate to adulthood, if i were to bully my wife I’d control the finances so I would have all of the power and control plus I’d manage her social circle so her avenues of support should she leave be cut off.

When I was a bully I only occasionally used my fists despite being bigger and meaner than the other kids. I was a really smart kid with a sharp tongue, *that *worked best for me; putting someone down with words was even more satisfying than knocking them on their butt.

I think your husband may be the way I was…but I was a kid who grew out of it.

 

[StGerardMajella]

Sorry-I thought you were recommending divorce.

Each situation is different. If an abuser will not stop, sometimes divorce is the only option. Again, as I have stated before, we are taking the original poster at her word that this is the reality of the situation. If she is being truthful, then separation from an abusive spouse may be necessary.