Reasonable Standards

[MercyMia]

CountrySinger…28 is not old at all! Where are you getting these messages from? Your value is above rubies and it has nothing to do with your looks. You are probably gorgeoous and are just a victim of the unreal expectations our society has for women. I am 26, so I grew up in the same generation as you. I am even more worried for the girls who are teens now. Did you see that girl from the MTV show the hills recently? At only 23 she had 10 surgeries in one day and basically looks unrecognizable now. It is a form of self injury really, for an already gorgeous 23 year old girl to do that, but it doesn’t shock me given how ridiculous people’s expectations are. You know, I think the devil loves to get us so caught up in our insecurites because it distracts us from serving God and it takes us to such a place of self-loathing and selfishness (been there, done that). Think of all the beautiful people in the world who harm themselves with drugs, eating disorders, or risky self-destructve behaviors. It is all one big, ugly distraction that chips away at our value and supports this culture of death we live in.

I know you are probably tired of everybody reassuring you. I understand lonliness and the desire to pair up. But God is keeping you single for a reason, maybe at this point in time he wants you all to himself because there are some things you need to learn in order to love and serve him better. When it came to dating, I always avoided the traditionally good looking men. Unfortunately, many of them have been trained into thinknig they can treat women any way they want. In that regard, good looks can be a curse for men sometimes because they don’t force them to develop the same virtues when things come easily. I married a man who for lack of a better word was a “nerd” - oh let me tell you the treasure I have found. Actually, after dating and getting married (and growing in Christ) he actually “blossomed” quite a bit and has become more confident and self-assured. Love can be transformative. We should look for the face of Christ in our spouse, so that even when we adore or spouse, our focus is always on Christ. Can you see the face of Christ in your ex? Will he be looking for Christ in yours?
As far as money, well fortunes are won and lost every day - but the love of a good spouse is a God-given treasure.

 

[sanctamaria17]

I totally thank you for agreeing with me. If more people did, the world would be a better place and I’d be a really cool dictator.

I wanna be dictator! Or a pirate.

 

[kib]

CS, I don’t know if this will encourage you at all, but I will say it anyway. I am 23, soon to be 24. If things between my girlfriend and I don’t work out, I will probably pursue women around the age of 30. I find them attractive. There real issue there is that they would probably find me terribly immature.

 

[SugarMagnolia]

Country Singer, if you really like this guy, then be with him. Practice your religion with subtlety. In order words, don’t sneak to mass but also don’t make a big show about it. He may come back to the Church later in life. You never know. (I was raised Catholic, became anti-religious in adulthood, and am now clumsily making my way back. So it can happen.) The best way to interest him in coming back is to make it appealing. In other words, live the Catholic virtues rather than preaching them. If he’s a good man and you want to be with him (as opposed to simply not wanting to be alone) then he may be worth keeping.

On the other hand, if you don’t really want to be with him but you just want someone, then I would say don’t do it. You’ll regret it in the long run.

 

[SarahR]

We should look for the face of Christ in our spouse, so that even when we adore or spouse, our focus is always on Christ. Can you see the face of Christ in your ex? Will he be looking for Christ in yours?

This was a beautiful comment!

 

[CountrySinger]

I wanna be dictator! Or a pirate.

My birthday is on National Talk Like A Pirate Day, I’m serious.
Last night I went to my young women’s bible study. And the leader was talking about finding a good husband. And she kept repeating: he needs to be a strong Catholic. Do you think they were trying to tell me something? I was thinking, “I get it God”. I don’t want to be someone who I’d have to sneak around. I don’t even want to be someone who I’d have to pretend that I don’t love cheesy pop music. I guess I was down yesterday, but I’m doing better today.

 

[sanctamaria17]

I’m glad

One marker of a keeper is how he treats his mother. That includes our Mother Mary

 

[kib]

Good for you, Country Singer.

 

[Sierrah]

I was talking with a friend about dating, how much it stinks, and being alone. I personally think that as a woman gets older, they are less desirable and less valuable in the dating market (come on, I can’t compete with hot young things). There are qualities that are pluses (hotness, money, power, charisma) and minuses (not being hot, not a lot money, no power, shyness). If a person doesn’t have very many good qualities, then they can’t expect to have a mate that is very good. You only attract quality if you have have lots to bring to a relationship. For example, I’m overweight (bad), 28 (bad, for a woman), smart (good or bad), have a bachelors degree (good), witty (good or bad), not conventially attractive (VERY BAD). So my standards shouldn’t be to marry a good Catholic man who is attractive. I should be happy with someone who isn’t very attractive and somewhat smart.
And people say I shouldn’t have low standards, and should hold out for a great man. But if I don’t posess high value qualities, I won’t get a man who has the qualities I’m holding out for. If I were better looking, I could find a better man, and barring plastic surgery, that isn’t going to happen. And being alone is not an option for me.
In the end, what is resonable? Is it even realistic for some single people to have high standards?

You’re too hard on yourself. Try being in your 40s (children unlikely), fairly slim (used to be overweight in my 20s), told I’m cute (don’t know don’t really worry though I strive to look my best), Independent (guys don’t seem to like it that I have my own life) , I don’t claim to be overly smart (no money for college but did go for awhile) though I do have a lot of common sense, all for being the homemaker (that’s how I was raised) or working mom but Mr Right never showed . So what do I do? Make the best with what I was handed even though I don’t like it sometimes. It could always be worse.

At 28 you’ve got lots of time. If you feel overweight change your lifestyle and eating habits…it’s the best thing I ever did. As to not feeling smart no one can help you with that but you. Take some classes in something you enjoy, read, search out things you want to learn. Don’t get sucked into the media outlook that everyone has to be a Barbie or Ken doll. It’s completely unrealistic…even though I think a lot of guys are looking for a supermodel and don’t take a look at themselves in the mirror…not all of them are.

 

[TedDC]

I was talking with a friend about dating, how much it stinks, and being alone. I personally think that as a woman gets older, they are less desirable and less valuable in the dating market (come on, I can’t compete with hot young things). There are qualities that are pluses (hotness, money, power, charisma) and minuses (not being hot, not a lot money, no power, shyness). If a person doesn’t have very many good qualities, then they can’t expect to have a mate that is very good. You only attract quality if you have have lots to bring to a relationship. For example, I’m overweight (bad), 28 (bad, for a woman), smart (good or bad), have a bachelors degree (good), witty (good or bad), not conventially attractive (VERY BAD). So my standards shouldn’t be to marry a good Catholic man who is attractive. I should be happy with someone who isn’t very attractive and somewhat smart.
And people say I shouldn’t have low standards, and should hold out for a great man. But if I don’t posess high value qualities, I won’t get a man who has the qualities I’m holding out for. If I were better looking, I could find a better man, and barring plastic surgery, that isn’t going to happen. And being alone is not an option for me.
In the end, what is resonable? Is it even realistic for some single people to have high standards?

I hate to say it, because it’s a very sad conclusion, but you really have described very well how the world works. Dating/marriage is a marketplace, and runs by the same laws of supply and demand as any other market. And for the vast majority of people, physical attraction is essential, whether they’re conscious of it or not.

 

[cmscms]

CS, my heart bleeds for you. When I was in my 20s I was depressed a lot because I never got asked out and I was convinced it was my weight. Well, I have lost weight in my 30’s just turned 40 and I have not even had so much as a date in over 5 years. So all that time I spent sad and worrying was a big waste because it didn’t give me a man. I have come to accept that God’s will for me was to be single because the things he wanted me to work out in my life I needed to be single to do it.

I don’t expect you to be relieved by what I said. When I was in my 20’s if a 40 year old told me ‘I never married’, I would have judge her a looser and feared ending up like her.

But I can say, being single at 40 is not nearly as bad as I would have thought.

I also strongly suspect, you wanting a man is a big cover up for something deeper. Perhaps you are searching for YOU TO LOVE YOURSELF. We live in a society where the only place it is acceptable to get love is from a partner (and sadly it no longer has to be of the opposite sex). I have NEVER seen a movie where 2 people became friends and lived happily ever after, I have never seen a movie where a boss and a co-worker lived happily ever after, I have never seen a movie where a child grew up but was able to be happy because their parents still loved them. We are SO bombarded with the idea that the only place to get love is through a boyfriend\husband.

The only place you will EVER find true love is through God. Pray to him to show what exactly your hidden need is

As for appearance, I started to get grey hair at 20 and man would people even make comments. ‘You are grey!!! but I know your age’ Well recently, I told a man matter of factly, that my hair was a dye job because I started going grey at 20. Did he ever suddendly become interested in me (he is divorced so it is a no go). He told me he found it a big turn on. I strongly suspect the turn on was my self confidence in saying it matter of factly

CM

 

[novaslasher]

The secular world is indeed a meat market. A lot of it is driven by the search for beauty/bimbos (the guys) and confidence/money/bad boys (the girls). It’s degraded into a mish mash of hookups, friends with benefits, and expected put-out after the 3rd date.

Do you really want to buy into that? This is the same culture that gives us 50% divorce rates and cheap and easy abortions. Frankly, I’d rather stay single.

True Catholicism is very counter-culture. Thus its hard to find a counter-culture spouse who values you for your heart and faith. Even among self-described Catholics, not many live and practice the faith they supposedly confess. But the wait is worth it. I held out for 12 years with only 1 potential gf (who I broke things off with early when I found she was Catholic but played games with other guys). Yes, I felt lonely on Valentine’s Day (Single’s Awareness Day it truly is!) and wanted a good gf badly at times, but I didn’t stop living my life and finding joy in my faith, my friends, my interests (I learned how to sail and how to fly a plane), and my career. I finally did meet that one special girl on Ave Maria Singles, and I’m glad I was finally blessed! Don’t get discouraged CountrySinger, I think you made the right decision in dropping your former bf.

 

[sanctamaria17]

For Valentine’s Day (a bit early this year since I have to work that day), every year, since I don’t have a significant other, I make it a holiday about the people I love. I may not be able to do a ton, but I do at least send an email or note to my friends and family telling them how much I love them. “Ti voglio bene”, an Italian expression for platonic love, has become my favorite thing to say I also write notes on my Facebook, about how we should remember ALL the loved ones in our lives. Our friends, our families, all of these tend to get forgotten when it comes to celebrating love. But their love is important too.

And you know, I wonder how many people ask Jesus to be their Valentine. I’m pretty sure He’d say yes

Most of my friends don’t understand why I’m still single (I think they’re immune to my oddities, for I have many). “But Sancta, you’re so pretty!” “But you’re cool! You’re smart! You live independently! You’re funny!” I always tell them, “Guys, I don’t have TIME!” Seriously, I would LOVE to find a good Catholic man who appreciates me, is honest with me, makes me laugh, prays with me, yada yada, but it’s not fair if I’m going overseas for six months this year. Yeah, a bunch of my friends are successful at the long distance thing, but that’s because they were friends LONG before they got into a relationship. I also have to remind myself that I HAVE TIME!! A lot of my friends who’ve gotten into successful relationships didn’t start seriously dating until they met their significant other, which wasn’t until their mid-twenties! Yes, most of my friends are older than myself.

So yeah, that’s my thing. Honestly, I don’t care what a guy looks like. Yes, I’m one of those who DOESN’T CARE! As long as he takes care of himself, is confident in himself and more importantly, is confident in his relationship with God, that’s what matters to me.

 

[dakotagirl]

I also strongly suspect, you wanting a man is a big cover up for something deeper. Perhaps you are searching for YOU TO LOVE YOURSELF. We live in a society where the only place it is acceptable to get love is from a partner (and sadly it no longer has to be of the opposite sex). I have NEVER seen a movie where 2 people became friends and lived happily ever after, I have never seen a movie where a boss and a co-worker lived happily ever after, I have never seen a movie where a child grew up but was able to be happy because their parents still loved them. We are SO bombarded with the idea that the only place to get love is through a boyfriend\husband.

CM

VERY well said, dear lady. If I am ever in my 40s and unmarried, it may just not be a catastrophe. I will probably do just fine with a pet doggie and a pet squirrel. I might adopt me a kiddie too: I hear they are nice.
I too have been reflecting on how societal pressure influences our “needs”. While marriage is indeed a vocation, no one has ever died for lack of it, I betcha dodges rotten tomatoes.

 

[kage_ar]

I also strongly suspect, you wanting a man is a big cover up for something deeper. Perhaps you are searching for YOU TO LOVE YOURSELF. We live in a society where the only place it is acceptable to get love is from a partner (and sadly it no longer has to be of the opposite sex). I have NEVER seen a movie where 2 people became friends and lived happily ever after, I have never seen a movie where a boss and a co-worker lived happily ever after, I have never seen a movie where a child grew up but was able to be happy because their parents still loved them. We are SO bombarded with the idea that the only place to get love is through a boyfriend\husband.

The only place you will EVER find true love is through God. Pray to him to show what exactly your hidden need is

Looking to fill that “God shaped hole” perhaps?

Watching the You Tube vids of the Dominican Sisters on Oprah this past week, it is interesting how many of them talked about finding themselves complete once they surrendered to God.

 

[CountrySinger]

Looking to fill that “God shaped hole” perhaps?

Watching the You Tube vids of the Dominican Sisters on Oprah this past week, it is interesting how many of them talked about finding themselves complete once they surrendered to God.

I tried the religious life, and it made me feel more empty. I was away from my family and friends. And I wanted to cuddle or hold hands with someone special. I don’t think the sisters would like that. I was told I was too sensual for convent life, but that I would make some man VERY happy. wink wink I fully know what my needs are, but since I’m single, I can’t fulfill those. Dang. That’s why I do kickboxing even though I’m not supposed to according to my doctor (forget the broken foot, I need stress relief). What I want is be a wife and have a family. The religious life has some attraction, but I know those are for not the right reasons.

 

[CountrySinger]

I also strongly suspect, you wanting a man is a big cover up for something deeper. Perhaps you are searching for YOU TO LOVE YOURSELF. We live in a society where the only place it is acceptable to get love is from a partner (and sadly it no longer has to be of the opposite sex). I have NEVER seen a movie where 2 people became friends and lived happily ever after, I have never seen a movie where a boss and a co-worker lived happily ever after, I have never seen a movie where a child grew up but was able to be happy because their parents still loved them. We are SO bombarded with the idea that the only place to get love is through a boyfriend\husband.

The only place you will EVER find true love is through God. Pray to him to show what exactly your hidden need is

Bolded part: I want to work for that company!

On a more serious note, I do have a strong prayer life, I just feel alone. My friends in my new city are all married, so I feel like the thrid wheel when we go out. But this time of year is hard, once tomorrow passes, I’ll be doing better. Right now, it is hard, seeing all these couples holding hands and carrying flowers.
I did try to the religious life, but it felt wrong. Like I wasn’t supposed to be there. As my friends said, I would make the world’s weirdest/worst nun. I felt like I was running away from life by going to the convent.

 

[Rascalking]

Bolded part: I want to work for that company!

On a more serious note, I do have a strong prayer life, I just feel alone. My friends in my new city are all married, so I feel like the thrid wheel when we go out. But this time of year is hard, once tomorrow passes, I’ll be doing better. Right now, it is hard, seeing all these couples holding hands and carrying flowers.
I did try to the religious life, but it felt wrong. Like I wasn’t supposed to be there. As my friends said, I would make the world’s weirdest/worst nun. I felt like I was running away from life by going to the convent.

You might make a wierd nun, but you will make an incredible mother/wife one day. The man who you marry is very lucky. Make sure he treats you right!

 

[CountrySinger]

You might make a wierd nun, but you will make an incredible mother/wife one day. The man who you marry is very lucky. Make sure he treats you right!

Thank you! My time in the convent could be a sitcom with a laugh track.
He will treat me right, or else Katharine the Chasity Cat will attack him by bugging him for food. Hypno Cat powers activate!

 

[cmscms]

CS, I am going to give you some tuff love here. If I offend you, let me know and I will no longer post to this thread. I believe when you said you tried the convent to run from yourself. There is NO shame in that and I actually believe that realzing you were running from yourself indicates a lot of wisdom and you deerve praised for not becoming a nun.

Now for the tuff love. Why can’t you realize you are doing the same thing with men. Quit trying to run from yourself by finding a man. Do your married friends not have ‘girls outings’ where you don’t need a date? Is it absoltely impossible for you to find a single girl to be friends with. Or even perhaps picking up a hobby where the focus is the hobby (not members of the opposite sex)

CS, I think you have a lot on the ball. I know you are struggling and it will take time. But I also feel the best step you could take is to ask God to fill that void. Pray to God to understand men are not meant to fill what God alone can fill

God Bless

CM