Reasonable Standards

  • Thread starter Thread starter CountrySinger
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cmscms said:
CS, I am going to give you some tuff love here. If I offend you, let me know and I will no longer post to this thread. I believe when you said you tried the convent to run from yourself. There is NO shame in that and I actually believe that realzing you were running from yourself indicates a lot of wisdom and you deerve praised for not becoming a nun.

Now for the tuff love. Why can’t you realize you are doing the same thing with men. Quit trying to run from yourself by finding a man. Do your married friends not have ‘girls outings’ where you don’t need a date? Is it absoltely impossible for you to find a single girl to be friends with. Or even perhaps picking up a hobby where the focus is the hobby (not members of the opposite sex)

CS, I think you have a lot on the ball. I know you are struggling and it will take time. But I also feel the best step you could take is to ask God to fill that void. Pray to God to understand men are not meant to fill what God alone can fill

God Bless

CM
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I’m not offended at all. 🙂 I moved to my new home two months ago, so I’m still trying to make friends here. Most of the people I know are either from church or from my former job. I left a place where I had a ton of friends to a new place where I knew NO ONE. :confused: My bible study group is great, but they all know each other, and it’s hard to break a clique.
Now onto the hole. I’m going to be as polite as possible. I crave the cuddling and the touch of a man. Not a cat (I have two), or a woman, but a man, kwim? wink Not that I would do anything unchaste until I was married. The thing I miss the most is cuddling and hand holding. God is great, but I would feel REALLY weird asking for help with that. 😛 They don’t really sell anything to help that kind of thing. Exercise makes it worse (increase blood flow).
 
CountrySinger said:
I was talking with a friend about dating, how much it stinks, and being alone. I personally think that as a woman gets older, they are less desirable and less valuable in the dating market (come on, I can’t compete with hot young things). There are qualities that are pluses (hotness, money, power, charisma) and minuses (not being hot, not a lot money, no power, shyness). If a person doesn’t have very many good qualities, then they can’t expect to have a mate that is very good. You only attract quality if you have have lots to bring to a relationship. For example, I’m overweight (bad), 28 (bad, for a woman), smart (good or bad), have a bachelors degree (good), witty (good or bad), not conventially attractive (VERY BAD). So my standards shouldn’t be to marry a good Catholic man who is attractive. I should be happy with someone who isn’t very attractive and somewhat smart.
And people say I shouldn’t have low standards, and should hold out for a great man. But if I don’t posess high value qualities, I won’t get a man who has the qualities I’m holding out for. If I were better looking, I could find a better man, and barring plastic surgery, that isn’t going to happen. And being alone is not an option for me.
In the end, what is resonable? Is it even realistic for some single people to have high standards?
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Honey, I am 56 and contentedly solitary. I have been married and been in love. I have had wonderful love affairs (now calm down, everyone, I went to Confession and I am not sinning by remembering the good parts! 😃 ) with wonderful men, but you know what?

I don’t think I have ever been on a single “date”, as such. Sure, I have had dinner in fine restaurants and on sandy beaches, but we were close friends by that time and wouldn’t have called it “dating”.

I never hunted for a man. I was not beautiful or glamourous.

But I worked and I was passionate about my interests, and the men I met also worked and were passionate about their interests. I want to tell you something, there is NOTHING that heats up a romance more than a shared goal, whether it is on the job or in recreation.

Forget about finding a man. Instead, find your life, your vocation, your hobbies, and the man will find you. And he will be marvelous.
 
The biggest part is that I know I’m meant to be married, and now I’m just treading water. I’m starting graduate school, but I would hate to take out loans, just to end up married with kids, and not being able to pay them back. :confused: Granted, my program is in Elementary Education/Special Education, so I would be related to family in some ways.
I had my adventures (long stories), and I’m ready to settle down. I see my friends from home getting married, and it’s hard to not get jealous.
I know to trust God, that He has someone for me (you would think with my mom up in Heaven, she is pestering God, she pestered me so much when she was alive). 😃 😛 My fear is dying alone, like my father, with no one finding him for several days. That’s why I overfeed my cats. 😃
 
CountrySinger said:
The biggest part is that I know I’m meant to be married, and now I’m just treading water. I’m starting graduate school, but I would hate to take out loans, just to end up married with kids, and not being able to pay them back. :confused: Granted, my program is in Elementary Education/Special Education, so I would be related to family in some ways.
I had my adventures (long stories), and I’m ready to settle down. I see my friends from home getting married, and it’s hard to not get jealous.
I know to trust God, that He has someone for me (you would think with my mom up in Heaven, she is pestering God, she pestered me so much when she was alive). 😃 😛 My fear is dying alone, like my father, with no one finding him for several days. That’s why I overfeed my cats. 😃
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http://files.myopera.com/Zaphira/albums/612265/thumbs/inadequate.jpg_thumb.jpg
 
Yummy hoo-min! The country singing gives it a nice rustic flavor. 😛
 
CountrySinger said:
My fear is dying alone, like my father, with no one finding him for several days. That’s why I overfeed my cats. 😃
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This is probably the most depressing post yet…but even if you get married and stay married, there’s a 50/50 chance that your husband will go first, and you’ll die alone anyway. (Actually worse, because usually the men die sooner).

Having children would be a plus when growing old though.
 
ack said:
This is probably the most depressing post yet…but even if you get married and stay married, there’s a 50/50 chance that your husband will go first, and you’ll die alone anyway. (Actually worse, because usually the men die sooner).

Having children would be a plus when growing old though.
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There goes my plan. Dang.
Children are only good for that if you are nice to them (my father was abusive, so I didn’t have much contact with him, before anyone accuses me of being a bad person).
But it still scares me enough to keep me up sometimes. :eek:
 
I agree. There’s no guarantee of that.

As for grad school…well, you’d have at least six months of marriage prep, required by your parish. And you may not have kids right away. Or, what if you got a job out of your Master’s and that’s how you met your husband? Or, what if it was a requirement for a job you needed to take in the future? If you read Em in FL’s posts, she talks about how she wanted to stay home but, when she got married and had kids, it ended up being that she had to work and still does.

God’s timing, my dear. God’s timing:)
 
Hey CS…

28 is not old by any means, in fact it is young. I am basically the same age as you and would prefer to date a girl my own age (or older) than someone younger. I just find younger girls so immature that it would be very unlikely for me to end up in a relationship with a girl more than a year or so younger than me. Sadly society has prolonged adolescence in a way. Unfortunately I’m in a catch 22 situation since I ‘connect’ so well with women in their early 30s, but I get automated put into the ‘he is too young for me’ category.

A good guy would be thrilled to find a girl like you. Faithful, chaste (that is a big plus since there are very few women your age who have stayed true there), smart, funny/witty, etc. He’ll come around eventually…sometimes life doesn’t work on the timetable we would like.
 
JesusInMe said:
I have been told I am a reasonable pretty girl, but I have always been turned off by good looking men… they have always been too full of themselves and very self-centered. I am myself looking for a guy whom I can respect and admire and love for the rest of my life… the “hotness” wears off really fast once u r married and they gain pounds… and start balding… :rolleyes: but the inside still remains rotten and now u have nothing to hold onto in a marriage… 😦 go for a kind man even if he is not conventionally considered very handsome as you will come to love him more than u can a “hot” guy and the best part is- it will last forever as the inside of a person will never change…👍
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Amen to that! Just saw a study-- the happiest married women are married to men who are conventionally less attractive than they are. Those men treat their wives better. If a woman marries a “handsome” man, the odds are he’ll start picking her apart as the years go on, thinking of all the other women he could have had…
 
As far as the school loans are concerned, doesn’t the governement still have programs where you get those loans forgiven if you teach for up to something like two years in a designated area of need?
 
CountrySinger said:
I’m not offended at all. 🙂 My bible study group is great, but they all know each other, and it’s hard to break a clique.
Now onto the hole. I’m going to be as polite as possible. I crave the cuddling and the touch of a man. Not a cat (I have two), or a woman, but a man, kwim? wink Not that I would do anything unchaste until I was married. The thing I miss the most is cuddling and hand holding. God is great, but I would feel REALLY weird asking for help with that. 😛 .
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I totally can relate to breaking into a clique. It does require patience. On the other hand, you never know when you will hit it off with someone (even if it is a friend).

It is very normal to crave the cuddling of a man. Nonetheless, God is your father and he gave you those feelings so there is NOTHING wrong with taking that to Him in prayer. You don’t have to ‘tell all’ at first. Perhaps start with something like ‘God, you know what I am thinking, help me to able to bring that to you in prayer’. It might get easier. Remember, God is interested in ALL parts of our life. And if you can’t bring your desire to hold hands to God, if ever you do get married you might be embarassed to bring your marital issues to God. And that could cause a lot of harm in a marriage

CM
 
cmscms said:
I totally can relate to breaking into a clique. It does require patience. On the other hand, you never know when you will hit it off with someone (even if it is a friend).

It is very normal to crave the cuddling of a man. Nonetheless, God is your father and he gave you those feelings so there is NOTHING wrong with taking that to Him in prayer. You don’t have to ‘tell all’ at first. Perhaps start with something like ‘God, you know what I am thinking, help me to able to bring that to you in prayer’. It might get easier. Remember, God is interested in ALL parts of our life. And if you can’t bring your desire to hold hands to God, if ever you do get married you might be embarassed to bring your marital issues to God. And that could cause a lot of harm in a marriage

CM
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I did a very bad thing at Mass. I read the intentions at Mass today, and there are the standard intentions , and since today is St. Valentine’s Day, there was an intention for the married couples for the parish. sigh So I added my own: for all the single people of the parish that they find good Catholic spouses. One small step for singles in a family-based parish. I think it surprised the lector. 😃 So God now knows for sure that I want a husband, I said so in front of church. 😃 I’m such a rebel. :eek: At least I didn’t go into a rant about today is just about making single people feel lousy and money (I did wear all black today though). Viva la Singles Awareness Day!
 
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