Reeeally embarassing question on marital relations

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Victorious_song

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to get to the point…I hate it. Like, in a way I can’t even really explain. It’s nothing to do with my husband as a person, nor our actions. I have never had a negative view of sex, nor was I ever traumatized in a sexual way…I just find sex to be really, really gross and I want to freak out, cry, and slap my husband every time he tries to touch me. I’m not OCD, I’m not germaphobic, I’ve never bought into the lies that the church supposedly teaches that sex is bad. i was fully prepared ot enjoy it after marriage.

The only thing I can think is that I feel like I made a major mistake in my marriage. We married very quick, very young and I’m coming to see, I married for all the wrong reasons. The assumption that he’d be my knight and save me and fix all my problems. Yeah, I know, stupid stupid stupid me, i made my own issue, I know. So perhaps my issue is a marital one, and not a marital embrace one. But currently speaking, my issues with sex are more pressing. I just…I don’t want him to touch me, I don’t want to touch him, and I feel no love or connection to him when we have sex. It’s usually just me convincing him to just not touch me at all while I do whatever he wants me to do, and pray that he hurries up. He is completely oblivious, and any time I try to talk to him about it his only solution is trying a new position. Therapy and marriage counseling is completely out of the question for him.

So…I’m pretty much done for ten ways to Sunday…just wondering what to do.
 
You do not state whether or not you are Catholic. However, to the best of my knowledge, the Catholic Church has never taught that sex between married couples is evil or bad. It only has taught that sexual acts outside of marriage is bad.
From what you said, your disdain for the marital act is not normal, and works a seerious hardship upon your husband. I really think you really need to seek out professional psychiatric help and marriage counseling.
If you are Catholic, contact your Pastor or your confessor. Tell them what your problem is and get a referral to a Catholic counsellor.
If you are not Catholic but are a church goer, get a referral from your Minister, If you are just a secular person, get the referral from either your personal physician, or go to any public health clinic.
 
I’m Catholic, he’s not. I’m already seeing a therapist. He thinks it’s stupid and thinks mental health care is a load of liberal brainwashing.
 
How long have you been married? It seems you jumped into marriage for all the wrong reasons. Talk to a priest, in my view you don’t really have a marriage. Maybe an annulment is called for. It’s not a marriage if you won’t ever have sex.

I think your husband needs to be told. He deserves a wife that wants him and a marriage with him. Maybe therapy can help you find out why you feel like this. Maybe it’s just being married to the wrong man or more deeper seated. You don’t want to get into another marriage with the same problem.
 
oneofmany said:
It’s not a marriage if you won’t ever have sex.
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So the Blessed Mother and St. Joseph did not have a marriage? Although they both agreed to celibacy you can’t say that sex is a requirement for marriage.
 
A little over a year.

And i know…I can’t even describe to you the guilt and shame I feel over this. it’s my fault, my mistake, and I won’t deny it. I jumped into marriage with the first man who showed any interest. i was desperate, lonely, from an unhappy family. I thought i loved him, and on a Christian level, I still do. But you’re right; my husband deserves something better than what I can give him. I’m still sorting it out. It’s why I’m in therapy. I don’t know how to tell him
 
Hi. I’m very sorry that you’re experiencing this difficulty. Apparently, your husband is Catholic and you are not? Please go to see the priest who married you, or, if you’re no longer in that area, go to the priest where your husband attends Mass. If you find you’re not comfortable with him, seek another one. You need not be Catholic to seek guidance from a priest, and don’t be worried: he’s heard it all, so you need not be embarrassed.

The priest WILL care. He’ll want to help you find the answers you need and will refer you to someone else if the two of you think that’s best. If, for some reason, he doesn’t offer counsel or direct you to someone who can, keep looking.

All of the Sacraments are extremely important for a practicing Catholic, but, in most cases, a Catholic only has one shot at marriage. As long as his spouse is still alive, in most cases, a divorced Catholic cannot seek the companionship of the opposite sex, nor can he/she marry. The priest will want to help you know the joy of a successful marriage; he’ll want to help you in any way that he can.

Marriage is such a soul-searing experience, approached with the spiritual union as well as the physical union, and you’re missing out on one of the most beautiful gifts God has bestowed upon us. Song of Solomon gives hints of the exquisite bliss we know when we can cherish our spouses.

I don’t know why, but there are times when we might feel revulsion. Usually, these feelings work themselves out and pass away. Please don’t let these feelings fester, though, and please don’t give up on you, nor on your marriage. Please ask for help. After you talk to your priest it would be good for you and your husband to seek counseling as a couple, too. Your husband definitely needs to be clued in to the extent of your distress, but perhaps you should discuss your issues with the priest first.

It might be helpful for you to search phrases here on CAF and find previous threads that could explain how other couples have approached intimacy problems. Perhaps some of the readers can refer you to particular threads.

May God bless you, Victorious_Song, and bless your marriage. I’ll pray for both of you.
 
Hi. I’m with George Stegmeir on this one. I was sexually abused as a young girl, and a teenager and then raped twice!! as an adult by strangers (the latter ones). Your feelings towards marital sex is not normal for a healthy marriage and not fair to your husband either. And you didn’t say how long you have been seeing your therapist but either you need to get a different one or maybe…some people are just not meant to be married. I don’t see how this relationship can develop or get better unless you truly want to please your husband and show some affection in this regard. I know people will say, “that’s a trite answer”, but I’m going to say it anyway…Prayer really does work. All in God’s time. That is, if you want it to. Do you even care for this man you married? I’m not attacking you, please do not get me wrong. I just mean, if you feel this way now, can you see feeling any differently with anyone else? I don’t think so. So the right thing to do is talk with your priest if you really want some advice, I have had some really “right on the money” answers from some priests, they really do know what they are talking about. But, of course, they are human also and may feel you would be better off with a new therapist. But for the sake of your husband and your marriage, both PRAY and get a new therapist.
 
Qwestions said:
Hi. I’m very sorry that you’re experiencing this difficulty. Apparently, your husband is Catholic and you are not? Please go to see the priest who married you, or, if you’re no longer in that area, go to the priest where your husband attends Mass. If you find you’re not comfortable with him, seek another one. You need not be Catholic to seek guidance from a priest, and don’t be worried: he’s heard it all, so you need not be embarrassed.

The priest WILL care. He’ll want to help you find the answers you need and will refer you to someone else if the two of you think that’s best. If, for some reason, he doesn’t offer counsel or direct you to someone who can, keep looking.

All of the Sacraments are extremely important for a practicing Catholic, but, in most cases, a Catholic only has one shot at marriage. As long as his spouse is still alive, in most cases, a divorced Catholic cannot seek the companionship of the opposite sex, nor can he/she marry. The priest will want to help you know the joy of a successful marriage; he’ll want to help you in any way that he can.

Marriage is such a soul-searing experience, approached with the spiritual union as well as the physical union, and you’re missing out on one of the most beautiful gifts God has bestowed upon us. Song of Solomon gives hints of the exquisite bliss we know when we can cherish our spouses.

I don’t know why, but there are times when we might feel revulsion. Usually, these feelings work themselves out and pass away. Please don’t let these feelings fester, though, and please don’t give up on you, nor on your marriage. Please ask for help. After you talk to your priest it would be good for you and your husband to seek counseling as a couple, too. Your husband definitely needs to be clued in to the extent of your distress, but perhaps you should discuss your issues with the priest first.

It might be helpful for you to search phrases here on CAF and find previous threads that could explain how other couples have approached intimacy problems. Perhaps some of the readers can refer you to particular threads.

May God bless you, Victorious_Song, and bless your marriage. I’ll pray for both of you.
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No, actually, i’m Catholic, he isn’t. And he won’t see a counselor. He thinks they just want to brainwash you into becoming liberal democrats. And I’ve read song of solomon. I don’t see what all this “bliss” is about. A dirty, smelly, sweaty, sticky occupation that’s boring, brutish, hurts, and makes me want to punch my husband in the face when he even looks at me? I fail to see what the hype is about. I don’t feel love when my husband touche sme at all. I feel revulsion, annoyance, frustration, and a need to puke. Not to say that’s the only reasons; theyr’e trivial compared ot the emotional repulsion I feel about sex. I know sex is suppose to be beautiful. My brain never got that memo, it seems
 
devotee_of_Jesu said:
Hi. I’m with George Stegmeir on this one. I was sexually abused as a young girl, and a teenager and then raped twice!! as an adult by strangers (the latter ones). Your feelings towards marital sex is not normal for a healthy marriage and not fair to your husband either. And you didn’t say how long you have been seeing your therapist but either you need to get a different one or maybe…some people are just not meant to be married. I don’t see how this relationship can develop or get better unless you truly want to please your husband and show some affection in this regard. I know people will say, “that’s a trite answer”, but I’m going to say it anyway…Prayer really does work. All in God’s time. That is, if you want it to. Do you even care for this man you married? I’m not attacking you, please do not get me wrong. I just mean, if you feel this way now, can you see feeling any differently with anyone else? I don’t think so. So the right thing to do is talk with your priest if you really want some advice, I have had some really “right on the money” answers from some priests, they really do know what they are talking about. But, of course, they are human also and may feel you would be better off with a new therapist. But for the sake of your husband and your marriage, both PRAY and get a new therapist.
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…I’ve only been seeing my therapist for 5 weeks. I don’t think it’s time ti ditch her yet.
 
Victorious_song said:
No, actually, i’m Catholic, he isn’t. And he won’t see a counselor. He thinks they just want to brainwash you into becoming liberal democrats. And I’ve read song of solomon. I don’t see what all this “bliss” is about. A dirty, smelly, sweaty, sticky occupation that’s boring, brutish, hurts, and makes me want to punch my husband in the face when he even looks at me? I fail to see what the hype is about. I don’t feel love when my husband touche sme at all. I feel revulsion, annoyance, frustration, and a need to puke. Not to say that’s the only reasons; theyr’e trivial compared ot the emotional repulsion I feel about sex. I know sex is suppose to be beautiful. My brain never got that memo, it seems
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This might be a tough question, but have you ever really found your husband attractive? If not, have you ever felt an attraction, or have seen a man that you find really attractive (even if it’s a celebrity)?

Physical attraction and emotional compassion play big roles in the marital act. If these areas are lacking, it can cause problems. I am not married yet, but I do find my fiance very attractive, and I’ve had a hard time keeping a pure mind at times. I’ve always thought sex to be weird, because of all that is involved, but the closer we’ve gotten over these past years makes that thought more desirable. If I think too much about what’s involved, I still get weirded out, but I think I’m just about prepared mentally for the commitment.

I will say too, that the closer we’ve gotten emotionally and spiritually, the more physically attractive she’s gotten. And I feel that this is normal, because it makes sense to me, like how parents always think their baby is the cutest because of their emotional attachment.

If you haven’t gone through this with your husband, then it’s either time to work on it (continue counceling and work on getting closer to your husband), or take care of it (seek a divorce and annulment). Good luck on whichever you choose.
 
My therapist has challenged me with the samequestion, and I’m still sorting out the answer. I do find my hisband physically attractive; his personal hygeine habits are lackluster, but that’s a small issue that rarely makes a difference. But, his emotional immaturity, i feel, and other aspects I wasn’t as aware of him before marriage have really effected how close I feel to him. However, I’ve had these feelings about sex from our first night, before any issues arose
 
If it hurts to have sex, you might have one of a few medical conditions that can be corrected by a gynecologist. A friend of a friend has a similar issue that is treated in various ways.
 
Victorious_song said:
My therapist has challenged me with the samequestion, and I’m still sorting out the answer. I do find my hisband physically attractive; his personal hygeine habits are lackluster, but that’s a small issue that rarely makes a difference. But, his emotional immaturity, i feel, and other aspects I wasn’t as aware of him before marriage have really effected how close I feel to him. However, I’ve had these feelings about sex from our first night, before any issues arose
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Those problems are ones he should work on. Marriage shouldn’t give one a “free pass” to let loose and not worry about appearances. If work or kids keep you too busy to work on your appearance, that is a different story, but if you just don’t try because you don’t feel you have to, that is a no go. Also immaturity is a problem. He is an adult and should act like one. Having fun and goofing around can be good if done at the appropriate times, but is not meant to be a “natural” state.

Since these particular problems are his to work on, he needs to know that they are problems. If he is not willing to work on them, then I don’t know if this marriage would work.

You said he isn’t Catholic. Might I ask what he considers himself? And is he practicing or just bearing the name?

Also, if you don’t mind me asking, you did say you rushed into things, how long did you know each other before you started dating? How long did you date before you made it “official”? How long were you in that relationship before you got engaged? And how long were you engaged?

What things did he do to ‘woo’ you? What type of activities/dates did you do before you were married?

Sorry for all the questions. I’m just trying to assess the situation.
 
He belonged to a mainline church when we got married. Afterwards, he decided he didn’t like that church and I learned he and his family are evangelicals at heart who were just looking for a church at the time.

We dated pretty much from as soon as we met. Met through a mutual friend, liked each other. I was 19. We went on one date, then circumstances caused us to not even see or talk to each other for six months. then we started dating. After 2 weeks, we were already talking about marriage. We dated less than a year before we were married.

Pretty much all we did was watch movies and talk. he is very open to Catholicism, which is why I married him, pretty much.
 
I remember Pope John Paul II having some views regarding sex within marriage, that it can be there for intimacy, outside of having another child, but otherwise, chastity is the course within marriage. It doesn’t sound like you are experiencing much in the way of intimacy, and it doesn’t sound like both you and your husband are having sex for another child, so, it doesn’t sound like what is happening sexually in your life is much better than people who are sexually promiscuous outside of marriage.
 
kbf1970060 said:
I remember Pope John Paul II having some views regarding sex within marriage, that it can be there for intimacy, outside of having another child, but otherwise, chastity is the course within marriage. It doesn’t sound like you are experiencing much in the way of intimacy, and it doesn’t sound like both you and your husband are having sex for another child, so, it doesn’t sound like what is happening sexually in your life is much better than people who are sexually promiscuous outside of marriage.
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…thanks.
 
Nothing you said, really boils your marriage down to a mistake. Being tolerant and flexible in marriage isn’t easy, but what do you need counsel for … you feel like punching your husband about a matter of intimacy, that isn’t really very intimate for you, right now, but I think, that it is normal enough to feel like punching your husband. I have no idea why he wants to have sex with you. We’re sexual creatures. Duh. Sometimes we lack ideas, or opportunities, or attitudes that get us to move on in life with other matters that are generally more wholesome and fun.
 
Victorious_song said:
And i know…I can’t even describe to you the guilt and shame I feel over this. it’s my fault, my mistake, and I won’t deny it. I jumped into marriage with the first man who showed any interest. i was desperate, lonely, from an unhappy family. I thought i loved him, and on a Christian level, I still do. But you’re right; my husband deserves something better than what I can give him. I’m still sorting it out. It’s why I’m in therapy. I don’t know how to tell him
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This may be the root of the problem!!!
As the first responders stated, you really need to see a therapist about this. Ideally it should be a Catholic or at least a Christian therapist.
Most catholic dioceses have marriage therapists.
If you husband wont go, you can still get help for yourself…

Your statement quoted above makes me think that the problem may have it’s root in the role models you learned as a child and teenager.

look at it this way:
People who grow up in loving stable homes are most likely to be able to form loving stable homes.
People who’s parents divorced are many times more likely to get divorced themselves
People who grew up in single parent households and did not witness stable heterosexual relationships are highly unlikely to be able to make a marriage work.
These statements are based on a summary of almost every scientific survey. They are statical probablilties, not certainties for any individual.

If you grew up in a broken home with two parents who had very strained relationships and rarely or never saw them express physical affection… or worse if your father rarely expressed physical affection to you, then this will have had a huge impact on your developing personality.
Only a professional therapist can assess this (if it really does apply to you)and advise on treatment.

If we do not identify and challenge in ourselves the mistakes of our parents we are doomed to repeat them… but this is a big IF. - we can identify these things and change them.

Annullemnt

This Idea gets thrown around to much.
If you cannot bring your marriage into a healthy state then this might be an option that is worth pursuing. It may be that your marriage is inherently null. but a marriage is assumed to be valid untill it is proven otherwise.
your first duty should be to try to fix what’s wrong.

You have said that your husband clearly has his own problems that he too is bringing to the table, however here we are talking about you.

You swore. in front of God, (and all your friends and family), to Love, Honor and Obey (or Serve). To Have and to Hold, till death do you part.
that may have been undertaken too lightly, but it was undertaken.
your first responsibility is to fix it.
you say you want to fix it. this is good. so put out of your mind the people suggesting otherwise.

Go see you priest, or look on your diocesan website. Get a referral to your local catholic marriage Counselling service.

a need for sexual therapy is far more common than many people would think. you are by no means alone or unusual in this.

God bless you and I will pray for you.

Please if you think I’m being harsh or unloving in the above post, then read it a second time, and with the thought in mind that I do not mean to be harsh. I say this all with love.

Jesus is the ;Great Healer. if you let him he will heal you of this problem.
 
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