Relationships and Past

[blaiselfd5]

My girlfriend and I have been together for about 6 months now. I recently found out that she has been very dishonest about her past and has lied to me several times. I confronted her about her dishonesty and pleaded with her to be completely honest with me about everything. I made sure she understood that what happened in her past means nothing to me, I just want her to know she can trust me and that she needs to be honest. I truly do love her, and i know she is confused and that is why I am giving her this opportunity to be truthful. She did open up to me and told me the truth about everything except for a small dark period of her life when she was about 17 years old. After hanging up the phone and getting some advice from her family she now says that i manipulated her into talking. She apologized again for being dishonest, but she says i need to just accept her for who she is today, and forget about the past (she never wants to bring it up again). She stated that everyone has dark secrets that are between them and God.

Our entire relationship is based on our catholic faith and I feel very confused. For us to become that married couple one day I feel like there can be NO secrets between us. I feel like for us to be one holy person under God, we can’t keep anything from each other.

Am I asking for too much by expecting her to reveal EVERYTHING? Does it matter that she admitted her ex-husband knows about that “dark period” of her life?

Thank you so much for your advice

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

My girlfriend and I have been together for about 6 months now.** I recently found out that she has been very dishonest about her past and has lied to me** several times. I confronted her about her dishonesty and pleaded with her to be completely honest with me about everything. I made sure she understood that what happened in her past means nothing to me, I just want her to know she can trust me and that she needs to be honest. I truly do love her, and i know she is confused and that is why I am giving her this opportunity to be truthful. She did open up to me and told me the truth about everything** except for a small dark period of her life when she was about 17 years old**. After hanging up the phone and getting some advice from her family she now says that i manipulated her into talking. She apologized again for being dishonest, but she says i need to just accept her for who she is today, and** forget about the past (she never wants to bring it up again)**. She stated that everyone has dark secrets that are between them and God.

Our entire relationship is based on our catholic faith and I feel very confused. For us to become that married couple one day I feel like there can be NO secrets between us. I feel like for us to be one holy person under God, we can’t keep anything from each other.

Am I asking for too much by expecting her to reveal EVERYTHING?** Does it matter that she admitted her ex-husband knows about that “dark period” of her life**?

Thank you so much for your advice

I’ve highlighted all of the red flags I came across as I was reading your post.

I think you’re expecting too much to be able to trust this woman. Yes, everyone’s made mistakes, and the older we are the more we’ve made. That’s just the human experience.

But if she’s still coming to grips with something she was through at seventeen, and she’s old enough to have an ex-husband, this woman has issues and will continue to have them, and until she commits herself to extensive counseling/therapy, she’s not going to be able to move beyond them. They will continue to cloud her life and her relationships.

If you choose to stay in the relationship, my best advice is to proceed with an overabundance of caution.

Luna

 

[TheRealJuliane]

My girlfriend and I have been together for about 6 months now. I recently found out that she has been very dishonest about her past and has lied to me several times. I confronted her about her dishonesty and pleaded with her to be completely honest with me about everything. I made sure she understood that what happened in her past means nothing to me, I just want her to know she can trust me and that she needs to be honest. I truly do love her, and i know she is confused and that is why I am giving her this opportunity to be truthful. She did open up to me and told me the truth about everything except for a small dark period of her life when she was about 17 years old. After hanging up the phone and getting some advice from her family she now says that i manipulated her into talking. She apologized again for being dishonest, but she says i need to just accept her for who she is today, and forget about the past (she never wants to bring it up again). She stated that everyone has dark secrets that are between them and God.

Our entire relationship is based on our catholic faith and I feel very confused. For us to become that married couple one day I feel like there can be NO secrets between us. I feel like for us to be one holy person under God, we can’t keep anything from each other.

Am I asking for too much by expecting her to reveal EVERYTHING? Does it matter that she admitted her ex-husband knows about that “dark period” of her life?

Thank you so much for your advice

Stop pressing her for every last bit of her past! What is your need to know EVERYTHING in her past? You have no right to expect this from her. She has no need to tell you everything she has ever done. You are not her priest. If she has things she is ashamed of, you have no right to feel as if you get the information. You are violating boundaries. If it were me, I’d break up with you based on that. You would probably dump her if she told you everything.

 

[Trishie]

It is disturbing when trust is shaky.

She needs to be able to trust you also. How can she when you insist on knowing absolutely everything.

There are limits. When my husband told me to write down every ten minutes what I had done in the last ten minutes, when I had three preschool sons, was that reasonable? That is letting my husband know absolutely everything about my day. I simply didn’t do that as it was totally unreasonable. I was too busy with the above mentioned boys, and housework. It is unreasonable to expect to know absolutely everything about your spouse. Is one expected to write a full account of each day of ones’ life for one’s spouse. Where to draw the line?

It is not your business to know absolutely everything about your spouse. And cross-examining someone can easily promote lying as there are things you don’t tell your spouse at the risk of causing too much unnecessary difficulty. Marriage is a hard enough thing to go into absolutely everything including things that might cause unnecessary trouble.

You may be two as one, but the fact remains that you are two separate persons, and male and female. You have separate minds and some separate needs. And even if she told you everything, you can’t know everything, as shared facts interpret differently in different people’s minds and experiences, and you couldn’t possibly understand all the pressures and facts pressing on a person at any time. No, I don’t believe you have the right of possession of every fact of your spouse’s life.
My husband didn’t have a clue how much was required within every ten minutes for my three little boys. And even if I’d shared an account of every moment to ‘prove’ I wasn’t swanning around’ he still couldn’t know it all.

If you love her you don’t need to cross-examine her about everything. No she shouldn’t lie, but only God has the right to know everything about her. Whatever sins she has told her priest in Confession are between God and her. You have no right to know those things of her life.
The priest will never tell. God won’t. Why should she tell you?

I just asked the above-mentioned husband who is more mellow now, what would you say about someone who insists that his girlfriend tells him everything about her former life. He looked up over his glasses momentarily from the manual he was reading, and said: “The girlfriend should dump him.”
A bit extreme, especially from someone who still sometimes minutely cross-examines me.

You are shaken about finding your girlfriend has secrets. That’s understandable,
but you can’t build a marriage without trust on your part.
If she’s a good person trying to do her best, she’s the person she is today, and if you love her you will accept that.
Maybe someday she can trust you enough to tell you, but only if she chooses, perhaps she senses something in you that makes trust risky, but you don’t and never will own her as we don’t own anyone.

Spiritual oneness, but we are always separate individuals. We can share things, but never can we enter anyone’s inner mind, and if we tried to verbalize everything of our thoughts and feelings and acts we would simply drive each other mad. We can never actually know everything about each other, or even always understand what we are told or shown so if is a fallacy to think we can ever on this earth know everything about each other. And there is a degree to which we are entitled to our privacy.

As for becoming one holy person, you can’t. You can be two holy persons united in mutual love and respect, in love of God and love of others. You won’t stand before God’s judgement as one person but as tow individuals, and as Jesus told the Sadducees when they challenged Him with
“Moses told us that if a man dies without having children, his brother must marry the widow and raise up offspring for him. 25 Now there were seven brothers among us. The first one married and died, and since he had no children, he left his wife to his brother. 26 The same thing happened to the second and third brother, right on down to the seventh. 27 Finally, the woman died. 28 Now then, at the resurrection, whose wife will she be of the seven, since all of them were married to her?”

29 Jesus replied, “You are in error because you do not know the Scriptures or the power of God. 30 At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven." Matthew 22: 23-28

 

[blaiselfd5]

I think a little more information regarding my subject is necessary. I don’t care one bit about my girlfriends past and what she has been through, what i do care about is honesty. I guess I was a little emotional and extensive about asking her to tell me everything, but don’t forget that she had just 10 minutes earlier blatently lied to me in my face about contact she had with an ex-boyfriend. It was only once I told her I knew exactly what happened, did she decide to come clean with me.

Now I know people will jump to conclusions about how i should “run”. But i truly believe in my heart God brought us together for a purpose. I feel like i have been in her shoes, and although i don’t agree with it, i know why she lied to me. Now i know this looks terrible, but I truly believe she wants to be a better woman/girlfriend, and I believe that she can and will be better.

So my inquiring of her past was a way for me to give her the oppurtunity to open up with me completely and become honest. I have truly given into her, and trusted in her, and told her my darkest secrets. I wish she could do the same, ONLY because I want to feel like she really really really is committed to “US”.

Thank you for the replies, I can see that I deserve no right to KNOW her past. I do not own her, and I need to accept her for who she is, and only be here to listen to her when she wants to talk.

Just a little more info…I am a 29 year old single father of 3 (ages 9, 7, and 5), and have been for the past 5 years. She is a 27 year old woman who has had a troubled past, like me, but is truly searching to finds God’s love. We found each other through our catholic faith, and we pray together regularly, and are making all the decisions according to our faith. (for example we are practicing chastity, and we choose NOT to live together before marriage)

Again, your words mean a lot to me…Thanks

 

[KCT]

How strong an influence is her family on her?

She’s 27 and freely chose to tell you. Why would they say you’re manipulating her?

 

[Trishie]

Blaise, as a single father of three you certainly know to be wary as you have not only yourself but also your children to protect.
I was a step-daughter and my siblings and I know some of the challenges.
I know how lonely a single Dad can be. My son was in that position, but he has had the blessing of finding at last a truly honest and good fiancee.

Just because someone is in your life doesn’t mean it’s forever. The purpose can be a stepping stone. My son did previously have to let go of someone he had begun to date as a single Dad, because she acted dishonestly.

Even so the meeting with her ex-boyfriend might have been innocent and not sinister and she may simply have wished not to cause you anxiety

Anyway, if this is something that wont recur, then perhaps all will be fine.
I’ll keep you and your children and this young woman in my prayers

 

[Hokomai]

Well here’s a thread on which my view should count as much as anyone’s because I don’t think there is a specific Catholic teaching on openness. I think your girlfriend sounds great. She is trying as hard as she can to meet your need for disclosure, even though you have to right to this, as it is none of your business, but has stood up to you and said: “enough is enough”. I have a right to my dignity and you cannot require me to lessen it by shaming/embarrassing/exposing myself before you. Stop here, and let’s go on with our relationship, with you respecting me". Good on her - if I were in the market, she’s be way up my list as a great potential spouse and mother (not that i would be on her list, I am sure!). And have a think on this: there is a big difference between honesty and total disclosure.

 

[Trishie]

Your insight is valuable and welcome, Hokomai

Actually , the Church does have something to say regarding honesty and truth:

scborromeo.org/ccc/p3s2c2a8.htm

And of course, as you know, much about marriage:

scborromeo.org/ccc/p2s2c3a7.htm
As also in various encyclicals like CASTI CONNUBII , POPE PIUS XI
Arcanum Divinae Sapientiae of Leo XIII
HUMANAE VITAE PAUL VI

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I think a little more information regarding my subject is necessary. I don’t care one bit about my girlfriends past and what she has been through, what i do care about is honesty. I guess I was a little emotional and extensive about asking her to tell me everything, but don’t forget that she had just 10 minutes earlier blatently lied to me in my face about contact she had with an ex-boyfriend. It was only once I told her I knew exactly what happened, did she decide to come clean with me.

Now I know people will jump to conclusions about how i should “run”. But i truly believe in my heart God brought us together for a purpose. I feel like i have been in her shoes, and although i don’t agree with it, i know why she lied to me. Now i know this looks terrible, but I truly believe she wants to be a better woman/girlfriend, and I believe that she can and will be better.

So my inquiring of her past was a way for me to give her the oppurtunity to open up with me completely and become honest. I have truly given into her, and trusted in her, and told her my darkest secrets. I wish she could do the same, ONLY because I want to feel like she really really really is committed to “US”.

Thank you for the replies, I can see that I deserve no right to KNOW her past. I do not own her, and I need to accept her for who she is, and only be here to listen to her when she wants to talk.

Just a little more info…I am a 29 year old single father of 3 (ages 9, 7, and 5), and have been for the past 5 years. She is a 27 year old woman who has had a troubled past, like me, but is truly searching to finds God’s love. We found each other through our catholic faith, and we pray together regularly, and are making all the decisions according to our faith. (for example we are practicing chastity, and we choose NOT to live together before marriage)

Again, your words mean a lot to me…Thanks

I am glad you perhaps understand that this woman, that you have only known or been with for 6 mos., does not have to disclose every bit of her past to you.

This lie you say she told you - was this about a current event, or something that happened before you started dating her? If it did not happen recently, please stop interrogating her! Maybe she lies because she feels hemmed in, like a rabbit being hunted by a pack of hounds.

I applaud you for practicing chastity, and I am going to challenge you - Can you accept this woman AS SHE IS, troubled past and all, and leave her past in the past? Even if there was something as terrible as an abortion or some other kind of real trauma, can you let it go or is it going to bug you that she has some “secret” from you?

People do not have to disclose every single bit of their past, just to be close. My husband and I have been married 23 years total, 13 in the Church, and there is a lot of my past that he does not know. I am deeply ashamed of it, have confessed it all, and been absolved. For me to go over every detail with him would probably destroy our relationship. I will take my past with me to the grave. If my husband started asking questions, I would do my best to answer them honestly, of course. I would not lie, but I would also be very reluctant to tell him everything, because he cannot benefit from my disclosure. I do believe he loves me as unconditionally as he can, and maybe I sell him short - maybe knowing my past would not change anything. He knew I was not a virgin before we met - at the time we met, most people were not - and we were intimate within a month of meeting. We also shacked up for a while before we got married. So there was no expectation of a pure past.

There’s just some stuff that people don’t have to share. It’s not that the person is trying to hide it, and maybe some relationships can be that totally honest, but it’s not necessary for every person and may do more harm than good. If there are wounds that I need to heal, I would never ask my husband to help me with that, that is what a therapist is for.

Some here may disagree with me, and that’s fine. I see it from my own POV and experience.

I hope you and your girlfriend continue to experience God’s love and blessings in your relationship.

 

[Trishie]

How strong an influence is her family on her?

She’s 27 and freely chose to tell you. Why would they say you’re manipulating her?

Yes that seems a bit odd. It seems very dependent and does she usually involve her family closely in her business, at the expense of her boyfriend, and would she carry this over into marriage? Does she see her relationship with her family of origin as her primary one that she would seek their support united against him in accusation? Do they see her relationship with her future potential marriage partner as secondary to her relationship with them?
I guess Blaise has to sort such things out. Building relationships is a challenge and a process. May God guide these two people towards a wholesome, balanced and mutually beneficial and loyal relationship if this is to be.

 

[Nec5]

My advice is to run away very very fast. Otherwise, you may end up in one of those terrible progressive sitcoms where one of the spouses reveals horrible secrets that have colored the entire marriage.

I’d suggest a “come to Jesus” moment where the two of you ask each other anything and hold nothing back. If you can get through that, your marriage stands a good chance of surviving the slings, arrows, and tactical nukes of today’s rotten culture.

If, on the other hand, you go ahead by ignoring your pasts, don’t be surprised if it grows in the background like some dark cancer and distorts your expectations of each other.

Ironically, by having that “come to Jesus meeting” and getting through it, the two of you will almost certainly be closer than you were beforehand. that is assuming each of you can live with each others’ pasts, which is kind of the whole point of dating and having these discussions to begin with.

 

[chevalier]

Before I go further, you mentioned her ex-husband. That is something that needs to be resolved. Unless she’s Catholic and married that guy in a civil ceremony, you need to presume her to be married (and she may well turn out to be).

Contact she had with an ex-boyfriend behind your back is a serious problem if that contact wasn’t merely just catching up as honest, bona fide friends (sometimes there is a legitimate reason to be friends with an ex or could have been) or giving him some kind of conclusion out of charity, or some equally good reason. But certainly not stuff like reminiscing about good old time as a couple or keeping in touch just in case they want to come back (if your relationship fails or if she chooses him over you).

Lying about it in your face is also a big problem. The ability to lie in your face is actually a problem too. It is also a problem if your relationship partner has the ability to lie to you without you noticing. That would mean being able to cover up a lot in marriage without you figuring out.

In light of the above it’s no wonder you can’t trust her. You have the right to demand explanations and be reluctant to take her at her word and to reconsider your relationship with her and she doesn’t have the right to turn the table and accuse you. That is, she may have the right to accuse you of pressuring her to talk or manipulating her into talking but this doesn’t invalidate the fact that she lied in your face about that contact with ex-boyfriend. She now seems to be using accusations as distraction.

Hanging up may be a problem but people with a difficult past can be suffering a lot when needing to confront it. If she is normally courteous to you (because women need to be courteous to men too) and does not have a habit of hanging up if she doesn’t like what you say, then you are okay. On the other hand if there is a habit of hanging up when she doesn’t like what you say, then run for your life unless she goes to therapy.

Family is not a problem if she asks for advice or guidelines or help in making a decision. It is a problem if she takes orders or asks for decisions. That would be a serious problem because you don’t want a marriage in which your wife is taking orders from family.

You don’t need to know everything, not even as a compensation for lying. On the other hand, you are free to decide that the amount of mystery is more than you can or want to handle. Also, it is not okay to pressure but it is not necessarily okay to keep secrets.

She may need and probably does need therapy. Psychic issues relating to a traumatic past can actually restrict someone’s will, as in providing either a strong inclination (bigger temptation) or perhaps limiting someone’s ability to direct his behaviour, a bit like insanity, meaning she may not be fully culpable for the lying etc. in the sense an undisturbed person would. I’m saying this to let you know she might not be being evil or mean in hurting you.

Finally, I don’t really know how to approach the subject in a tactful way at 4:20 a.m., so you will please excuse me if I’m not being very tactful, but with a person who has a dark past of some sexual kind, STD may be a problem. I have no idea how to ask a woman tactfully to take an STD test. This is an understatement, actually. I don’t know how to do that without causing a tornado. You’d need to ask a woman how to do that, and that too could cause a tornado.

 

[blaiselfd5]

2 weeks ago she emailed an ex-boyfriend saying she had a dream about him and asking how he was doing…she totally denied contacting him

yesterday the same ex emailed her an old picture of the two of them, and she sent a very emotional reply stating how she wished things would of went differently between them and how she wished she would have seen him last christmas when he was in town…she admitted he contacted her, but stated she was very blunt in her response to him

about a month ago she changed her phone number in order to separate herself from a lot of her past. last night she met a different ex-boyfriend while out and gave him her new number…she confessed all of this to me immediately, and has since responded to him to please not contact her she made a mistake

one month after we started seeing each other, she lied to me and told me that she spent one sunday with her family, when she actually went to a football game with one of her friends and 2 guys. she confessed this lie to me that night, but told me that it wasn’t a “date” with one of the guys…today i asked her again, and she admitted it was like a date

throughout our relationship she has told me that she never really loved her ex-husband of 5 years…today she felt the need to tell me that she really did love him, and that she has moved on, but is still getting over some of the memories (she officially divorced last april, but has been separated from him for almost 2 years)

she admitted to me today she has a drinking problem, not that she can’t stop, but that when she does drink she can’t control her being “too social” with other guys and she attracts too much attention…she told me on her own that she recognizes she CAN NOT go out and drink with her friends any more

I know this woman truly wants to become an amazing wife and “mother” to my children. I know that a lot of her actions are because of her very disgruntling and difficult past. I want to Love her, and help her through this difficult time. I am a grown man, and I have been through a lot myself, and I am not living my life right now through “rose colored glasses”, i am simply trying to the right thing for my family, myself, and our relationship. What it all boils down to for me is, What decision will bring me closer to my Lord?

I feel like this is turning into a relationship counseling session, but for some reason I feel so much better getting this out of my head…thank you my brothers and sisters

 

[blaiselfd5]

Ironically, by having that “come to Jesus meeting” and getting through it, the two of you will almost certainly be closer than you were beforehand. that is assuming each of you can live with each others’ pasts, which is kind of the whole point of dating and having these discussions to begin with.

This is exactly what I was trying to get at in my first post, but does everyone really seem to think that it was unfair of me to ask her about her past? Especially when i have already given her everything about my past?

 

[TheRealJuliane]

**2 weeks ago she emailed an ex-boyfriend saying she had a dream about him and asking how he was doing…she totally denied contacting him

yesterday the same ex emailed her an old picture of the two of them, and she sent a very emotional reply stating how she wished things would of went differently between them and how she wished she would have seen him last christmas when he was in town…she admitted he contacted her, but stated she was very blunt in her response to him**

about a month ago she changed her phone number in order to separate herself from a lot of her past. last night she met a different ex-boyfriend while out and gave him her new number…she confessed all of this to me immediately, and has since responded to him to please not contact her she made a mistake

one month after we started seeing each other, she lied to me and told me that she spent one sunday with her family, when she actually went to a football game with one of her friends and 2 guys. she confessed this lie to me that night, but told me that it wasn’t a “date” with one of the guys…today i asked her again, and she admitted it was like a date

throughout our relationship she has told me that she never really loved her ex-husband of 5 years…today she felt the need to tell me that she really did love him, and that she has moved on, but is still getting over some of the memories (she officially divorced last april, but has been separated from him for almost 2 years)

she admitted to me today she has a drinking problem, not that she can’t stop, but that when she does drink she can’t control her being “too social” with other guys and she attracts too much attention…she told me on her own that she recognizes she CAN NOT go out and drink with her friends any more

I know this woman truly wants to become an amazing wife and “mother” to my children. I know that a lot of her actions are because of her very disgruntling and difficult past. I want to Love her, and help her through this difficult time. I am a grown man, and I have been through a lot myself, and I am not living my life right now through “rose colored glasses”, i am simply trying to the right thing for my family, myself, and our relationship. What it all boils down to for me is, What decision will bring me closer to my Lord?

I feel like this is turning into a relationship counseling session, but for some reason I feel so much better getting this out of my head…thank you my brothers and sisters

One question - how did you see her emails to and from this ex-boyfriend?

 

[TheRealJuliane]

This is exactly what I was trying to get at in my first post, but does everyone really seem to think that it was unfair of me to ask her about her past? Especially when i have already given her everything about my past?

Honestly, it sounds like she has WAY more past than you do…I would advise a time of discernment about this relationship. You mentioned helping her. As Dr. Laura says, when you rescue a damsel in distress, you just get a distressed damsel. What you see, is what you get.

 

[chevalier]

2 weeks ago she emailed an ex-boyfriend saying she had a dream about him and asking how he was doing…she totally denied contacting him

yesterday the same ex emailed her an old picture of the two of them, and she sent a very emotional reply stating how she wished things would of went differently between them and how she wished she would have seen him last christmas when he was in town…she admitted he contacted her, but stated she was very blunt in her response to him

about a month ago she changed her phone number in order to separate herself from a lot of her past. last night she met a different ex-boyfriend while out and gave him her new number…she confessed all of this to me immediately, and has since responded to him to please not contact her she made a mistake.

one month after we started seeing each other, she lied to me and told me that she spent one sunday with her family, when she actually went to a football game with one of her friends and 2 guys. she confessed this lie to me that night, but told me that it wasn’t a “date” with one of the guys…today i asked her again, and she admitted it was like a date

That’s plenty of other guys in the picture.

throughout our relationship she has told me that she never really loved her ex-husband of 5 years…today she felt the need to tell me that she really did love him, and that she has moved on, but is still getting over some of the memories (she officially divorced last april, but has been separated from him for almost 2 years)

Now that is something that may be due to changing evaluations of past things. One day she may think she loved him, the other day she may think she was just being infatuated and immature. This isn’t really worrying unless there was conscious lying involved.

she admitted to me today she has a drinking problem, not that she can’t stop, but that when she does drink she can’t control her being “too social” with other guys and she attracts too much attention…she told me on her own that she recognizes she CAN NOT go out and drink with her friends any more

Red flag (and I’m not a teetotaller).

I know this woman truly wants to become an amazing wife and “mother” to my children.

I have a huge problem imagining that in light of what she said to the other guys. I’m not saying it can’t somehow be reconciled (e.g. she wished things had gone differently with her ex but she still wanted to be with you now and in the future, she wished to see her ex last Christmas before she was your girlfriend, it now being moot because she’s no longer available to him etc.) but she’s doing a lot of talking to a lot of guys and a lot of lying about it.

I know that a lot of her actions are because of her very disgruntling and difficult past.

Yes but even if she is not fully culpable, then you’re still getting hurt. And you don’t have only yourself to answer for, you already are a father and you would become again with her. Also, what would you do if she cheated on you in marriage? Or left you for an ex or a new guy?

Also, I’m not sure she’s able to marry validly.

What decision will bring me closer to my Lord?

That is not something I know. I can’t claim to know that. What I do know, though, is that if she actually is sacramentally married to someone else, then she’s off limits to you per God’s law. And until that is solved, she’s presumed married by His Church’s law (with a big likelihood that she actually is married, therefore off limits per God’s law) and He does want all of us to follow His Church.

I feel like this is turning into a relationship counseling session, but for some reason I feel so much better getting this out of my head…thank you my brothers and sisters

Bottling such things inside would be a very, very bad idea.

 

[blaiselfd5]

Also, I’m not sure she’s able to marry validly.

That is not something I know. I can’t claim to know that. What I do know, though, is that if she actually is sacramentally married to someone else, then she’s off limits to you per God’s law. And until that is solved, she’s presumed married by His Church’s law (with a big likelihood that she actually is married, therefore off limits per God’s law) and He does want all of us to follow His Church.

I am annulled, she was never married in the catholic church, but we do understand she needs a certificate of freedom before we were to marry

 

[blaiselfd5]

One question - how did you see her emails to and from this ex-boyfriend?

Apparently she forgot the conversation we had a few months ago when we talked about being completely open with each other. And she gave me her password for her e-mail. I have reluctantly stayed away from invading her privacy until this morning, when I felt like it could go on no longer. I knew in my heart she wasn’t being honest, and I knew that unless i pushed her she was not going to be honest. On a phone conversation I questioned the emails and she asked me if i wanted to see them. When I bit and asked to see them she panicked and hung up the phone, so I looked. Wrong of me, YES! Do I regret it, NO. If i had not done what I did, I would be in bed right now full of doubt and fear. At least now I feel we can move on, or not move on with this relationship, based on the truth