Relationships and Past

[TheRealJuliane]

To styrgwildar

Their mother is perfectly happy seeing her children for 2 hours about 6 times a year. Thanks for the advice but trying to reach out to their mother is not possible

To Juliane

Thanks for the sarcasm, it helped me to rate your level of significance while I search for advice. Understand that I am not marrying this woman tomorrow. I am moving forward with now extra caution with the faith and hope that God will intervene if she does indeed lie again. I think I have found valid evidense for the reasoning of her untruthfullness and I believe in her and that she is indeed committed to becoming a better woman. I believe that the people in this world who have lived with the darkest of pasts have special blessing of becoming the holiest of Christians. They know what it means to have lived closest to the forces evil, and it makes them more determined to not return to that state. So…I believe in her, while at the same time I proceed with caution, as she understands, and we will continue to pray every night, TOGETHER.

God bless, blaise

I wish you the best, Blaise. I really do. The sarcasm was probably over the top, but out of frustration that you fed us different information with every post, and when most of us finally said enough red flags had gone up due to things your GF is doing or has done, you got defensive and started saying you will shower her with love and she will heal. I am 100% certain nothing I can say is going to change your outlook one bit, so I will wish you all the best and add you to my prayers. I am sure this woman has her good qualities, as we all do. Just be careful, especially with the childrens’ hearts, OK?

 

[styrgwillidar]

Again, thank you for your insight, but our situations are far too different to compare. I have lived most of the time since our separation bending over backwards making sure they seen their mom at every opportunity. But the truth is that she doesn’t want to see them. I refuse to spend my children’s childhood with trying to make their mother want them. I remain dedicated to being overly generous to my children’s mother when she asks for them, but I will not dump off my children to a woman who wants not to be with them.

All this talk has really brought into light my fear of losing my girlfriend I guess part of my confidence in her is based upon her amazing relationship with my children. I refuse to say that I was wrong in letting my children and her form a relationship just because we entered this rocky period in our relationship. If things end up not working out between us I am deathly afraid of the heartache it would cause my children, but this is life. There is no turning back now, We will move forward, praying together as a family, and working as one unit to becoming a close and holy family

Blaise, I agree, you can’t make her want them, that isn’t the point. It’s to facilitate whatever relationship they can have so there is no resentment in the future. So in the future they’ll understand her and not mistakenly blame you, think you ‘shielded’ them from her, kept them from having more than they did. You seem to have been doing that.

Yeah, you can’t shut the barn door after the horse is out. Dr. Laura’s advice to stay single until your kids are adult make’s a lot more sense to me now as a single dad. But, people tend to make the same mistakes over again in their relationships hence abused women tend to cycle through abusive men, second marriages have higher rates of divorce than first marriages.

But if you’re looking for realistic advice and a plan, hope isn’t a plan. Get joint counseling, get a neutral person to help both of you to be realistic. To keep you or her from listening to biased friends or relatives as to whether you’re being reasonable, or unreasonable, or controlling, or manipulative or any of the other labels meddling people like to use.

I don’t know you, I don’t know your situation, but everyone on here-- even the sarcastic ones, heck especially the sarcastic ones-- are giving you good advice out of a sincere desire to help you.

 

[promethius]

Thanks for the sarcasm, it helped me to rate your level of significance while I search for advice. Understand that I am not marrying this woman tomorrow. I am moving forward with now extra caution with the faith and hope that God will intervene if she does indeed lie again. I think I have found valid evidense for the reasoning of her untruthfullness and I believe in her and that she is indeed committed to becoming a better woman. I believe that the people in this world who have lived with the darkest of pasts have special blessing of becoming the holiest of Christians. They know what it means to have lived closest to the forces evil, and it makes them more determined to not return to that state. So…I believe in her, while at the same time I proceed with caution, as she understands, and we will continue to pray every night, TOGETHER.

God bless, blaise

Peace be with you, Blaise, and best of luck. I pray it goes well, and if, one day, you discover that you are niether doctor nor savior, I hope that you will remember the advice given here as it may come in more use for you if/when that day ever comes.

 

[blaiselfd5]

Yes. Your sarcasm detector is working perfectly. Now that the OP has what he wants, the information about this woman’s past, he’s going to ignore every last concern he had before and try to fix it all! “If I just love her enough, she won’t need to lie to me and flirt with/sneak around with/have affairs with other guys!” It sounds as if it might be plausible, until you try it and realize that it doesn’t work! In fact, in a lot of cases, things get WORSE when you try to love someone out of their neuroses…

But the OP probably isn’t going to listen…

I’m not writing in this forum asking for advice because it passes time. As a single father who has no one to open up to, except for my GF, I am here for others insight and opinions. I am not stupid, and my love for this woman is not blinding me from realizations. I am very aware of the disappointment I could be setting myself up for, but Gods greatest blessings don’t come without a little faith and preseverance.

 

[blaiselfd5]

I almost feel like I’m being too defensive and it would seem that if I separated my heart from this picture then I am about to continue a journey down a dead in road

I mean I’ve heard numerous examples of similar situations that have ended with disaster and none with examples of success. So what is it?? Believe in a woman who truly wants to pray with me and be better? Or recognize the odds and run away to save heartache?

I’m sorry but I refuse to live the rest of my life wondering what might have been if I would have just loved this woman and stuck by her side. How could i possibly love again with that thought on my soul? If failure is in our future then at least I know I tried everything I could. May God be with us and my beautiful children

 

[GraceDK]

I almost feel like I’m being too defensive and it would seem that if I separated my heart from this picture then I am about to continue a journey down a dead in road

I mean I’ve heard numerous examples of similar situations that have ended with disaster and none with examples of success. So what is it?? Believe in a woman who truly wants to pray with me and be better? Or recognize the odds and run away to save heartache?

I’m sorry but I refuse to live the rest of my life wondering what might have been if I would have just loved this woman and stuck by her side. How could i possibly love again with that thought on my soul? If failure is in our future then at least I know I tried everything I could. May God be with us and my beautiful children

Blaise.

Such is life. She deserves a chance… I think so too. But don’t keep giving her chances.
And by the way, taking a time out doesn’t mean she will not eventaully be yours when the right time comes. It means avoiding getting more attached.

Two things that strike out ot me is that your girlfriend has not got an anullment from her past marriage, and yet she is getting involved with you and you with her. What if the church says she had a valid natural marriage? what will you do then?

The other thing that strikes me is that she is open to the attention from other guys, signaling to them that she is available. I used to do this too, in my past realtiosnhip, for a long time, because I really was not dedicated to my boyfriend, and knew it deep down. This behaviour speaks louder than words. Red light.
Beware lest you become a symbol of safety for her while you don’t really have her romantic exclusive love…

Guard your heart brother. Prudence is the best thing! Also for her sake. Sometimes a person is so messed up that they fail to take responsibility for the hearts of others and they end up making more people jaded. I have seen this happen too many times… hurt people with sharp edges, making other people resemble them… Oh and I tried saving people too, and nope, it doesn’t work. We have to accept the actual reality of a person like they are NOW and freely choose to get attached with the person while agreeing that we can live with those traits and habits which we do not like in the other. That is why the friendship time is so very important…

 

[blaiselfd5]

I’ve heard people mention twice that she isn’t annulled. My understanding from our priest is that she doesnt require an anullment because she was never married in the church. What is required of her is simply a “declaration of freedom”, am I wrong?

 

[GraceDK]

I’ve heard people mention twice that she isn’t annulled. My understanding from our priest is that she doesnt require an anullment because she was never married in the church. What is required of her is simply a “declaration of freedom”, am I wrong?

The church recognized natural marriage entered outside the Church as valid until a annullment process has reached the conclusion that the marriage wasn’t valid…
is your girl friend baptised Catholic as a child… if she is, and got married outside the Church, the marriage is invalid… but as far as I know she would still need an anulment… but someone else might now more.
Please get a second oppinion from another priest whom you know to be well studied in the matter.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

2 weeks ago she emailed an ex-boyfriend saying she had a dream about him and asking how he was doing…she totally denied contacting him

yesterday the same ex emailed her an old picture of the two of them, and she sent a very emotional reply stating how she wished things would of went differently between them and how she wished she would have seen him last christmas when he was in town…she admitted he contacted her, but stated she was very blunt in her response to him

**about a month ago she changed her phone number in order to separate herself from a lot of her past. last night she met a different ex-boyfriend while out and gave him her new number…she confessed all of this to me immediately, and has since responded to him to please not contact her she made a mistake
**
**one month after we started seeing each other, she lied to me and told me that she spent one sunday with her family, when she actually went to a football game with one of her friends and 2 guys. she confessed this lie to me that night, but told me that it wasn’t a “date” with one of the guys…today i asked her again, and she admitted it was like a date
**
**throughout our relationship she has told me that she never really loved her ex-husband of 5 years…today she felt the need to tell me that she really did love him, and that she has moved on, but is still getting over some of the memories (she officially divorced last april, but has been separated from him for almost 2 years)
**
**she admitted to me today she has a drinking problem, not that she can’t stop, but that when she does drink she can’t control her being “too social” with other guys and she attracts too much attention…she told me on her own that she recognizes she CAN NOT go out and drink with her friends any more
**
I know this woman truly wants to become an amazing wife and “mother” to my children. I know that a lot of her actions are because of her very disgruntling and difficult past. I want to Love her, and help her through this difficult time. I am a grown man, and I have been through a lot myself, and I am not living my life right now through “rose colored glasses”, i am simply trying to the right thing for my family, myself, and our relationship. What it all boils down to for me is, What decision will bring me closer to my Lord?

I feel like this is turning into a relationship counseling session, but for some reason I feel so much better getting this out of my head…thank you my brothers and sisters

Blaise, you laid things out so clearly in the above post. Can you see a pattern here? You’ve known her 6 mos. and all of this has happened in that amount of time? She went on a date when you thought you were exclusive or more serious, and lied about it; she keeps seeing ex-boyfriends and wistfully reminiscing, and lies about it; she has a drinking problem, and flirts when drunk; she isn’t sure if she ever loved her ex-husband, then changes her mind.

If your best friend told you he was seeing someone with all of those things going on, what would you tell him?

 

[Leegal]

Blaise, you laid things out so clearly in the above post. Can you see a pattern here? You’ve known her 6 mos. and all of this has happened in that amount of time? She went on a date when you thought you were exclusive or more serious, and lied about it; she keeps seeing ex-boyfriends and wistfully reminiscing, and lies about it; she has a drinking problem, and flirts when drunk; she isn’t sure if she ever loved her ex-husband, then changes her mind.

If your best friend told you he was seeing someone with all of those things going on, what would you tell him?

I’ve read through and agree here and with Promethius. The OP should take heed.

First, I noted that he was only seeing the woman one month when she had a “date” with someone else. Was there a commitment to be exclusive after one month because I see nothing wrong with chastely going on a date when one has only seen a person for a single month? I would not consider one month to be an understanding to be exclusive, nor is it enough time to discern whether one should be dating exclusively (but chastely). Too much is made of this one date.

I would ask if his expectations are too great. I would also ask if she’s on the same page as he is in this relationship.

Second, what concerns me is the previous need for alcohol to “loosen up.” This may be indicative of a greater problem having to do with self-esteem and the use of alcohol. Obviously, one drink is too many and no amount is enough. This describes binge drinking. where the person can go for long periods without alcohol, until they take that first drink and the result always winds up in being drunk.

I’m sorry to hear he has already introduced this woman to his children. If this does not work out, the children will have another woman disappear from their lives.

Dating is a process of discernment. All it does is help you, initially, discern whether you want a second date – then a third and so on until you come to some conclusion, as a progression. Or you break up. We don’t marry every one we date.

I’m not convinced that she’s great with his children. At 6 months we are all still on our best behavior – and either his expectations about her past are too high or she’s starting to show problems with her character. This is not enough evidence that she will be a good mother to these children. It’s too soon to tell. This is why we never introduce someone to our children until we are more certain of the other person – and he has trust issues.

I would have said that that date happened 5 months ago; let it go. But, it’s too soon to decide to be exclusive because I don’t think she’s thinking “exclusive.” Then there’s the issue of changing her number, then giving it to an old b/f and then asking him not to call. She sounds unsure of what she wants to do.

Last, the OP cannot just “accept her as she is” because there are 3 children involved who have no control over this relationship. Once children are involved, it’s not about him any longer and what he wants or what she wants. It’s about providing the best solution for the children.

Slow down, don’t read anyone’s e-mails and get a little perspective. What are his needs and why the trust issues or the need to check up on everything wanting full disclosure for something that happened so early after they met such as that “date” one month after meeting? I would suggest he also be open to dating should he meet a woman he might be interested in as well. Just dating.

I’m assuming that the woman’s marriage will be found to be null as it was not dispensed.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

I mean I’ve heard numerous examples of similar situations that have ended with disaster and none with examples of success. So what is it?? Believe in a woman who truly wants to pray with me and be better? Or recognize the odds and run away to save heartache?

I’m sorry but I refuse to live the rest of my life wondering what might have been if I would have just loved this woman and stuck by her side. How could i possibly love again with that thought on my soul? If failure is in our future then at least I know I tried everything I could. May God be with us and my beautiful children

But what of your children? You say they and she have a good relationship, but please, please keep in mind that they’re watching and taking in everything that transpires between you and your girlfriend. Since they have little contact with their mother, you are their sole source and model for what romantic relationships are like - the good and the bad. And they will play the behavior patterns you’ve taught them out in their adult relationships.

You must put the best interests of your children above everything else in this situation.

Luna

 

[Trishie]

I do believe that Blase will do his best to make the right decisions for his children and all concerned. We can only pray that the best will eventuate. I think he will keep the concerns that have arisen in our responses to moderate his approach and choices.

As a balance, as a Catholic, I need also to put forward the following thoughts even while I am concerned as everyone else that the choices and outcomes will be wise and happy.

Blaise, one of the best known from darkness to light examples is one of the greatest saints of the Catholic Church, At Augustine. He resisted God’s graces for many years, and he had a long-term mistress and an illegitimate son. He is not the only saint who was a sinner who became a great Catholic saint and teacher, as you would know. St Francis of Assisi, one of the most loved of saints, had an ungodly youth.

St Mary Magdalen was a prostitute, but although only one of Jesus chosen male companions stood by Him as He dies, she was there, and she was the one whom Jesus sent to tell the apostles that He was risen from the dead. She was the first scripturally known to see Jesus after He rose from the dead. Jesus demonstrated that although Mary Magdalen had been a pariah to good society and a sinner, He was willing to trust that her love, and the fact that He mandated her to alert the men to the divine fact of His resurrection, was given to this former sinner.

I am aware of the practicalities having a deeply loved son who has raised his beautiful children alone and with great struggle; and having been a step-daughter who like others of my siblings, left home too early because our step-mother was not all to us that she might have been. Those things caused me much heartache and tears over the years, but even so, while we give our attention to the difficulties, we also need faith. And only God truly knows what is possible.

 

[blaiselfd5]

But what of your children? You say they and she have a good relationship, but please, please keep in mind that they’re watching and taking in everything that transpires between you and your girlfriend. Since they have little contact with their mother, you are their sole source and model for what romantic relationships are like - the good and the bad. And they will play the behavior patterns you’ve taught them out in their adult relationships.

You must put the best interests of your children above everything else in this situation.

Luna

Our relationship has been going great since we have met each other. We are so much alike and LOVE to be in each others company. This was our first snag in our 6 months, even though some of our disagreance stemed throughout our past. My kids have only met her about 5 times, but they have truly bonded during their time together. I know that because of such breif descriptions from this forum it is unfair to her because her mistakes have been highlighted. Try to understand that she is very loving and caring. She shares the same dreams I have in what we want in a future relationship/marriage. My children’s interests are always most important to me. I believe that if this woman is who I think the is, then my children would benefit immensely by witnessing true love and a healthy marriage that my girlfriend and I are both committed to creating.

 

[El_White]

Yuck.

Both of you are damaged goods.

Either get married and accept the half-hearted, lying, cheating, still-looking-for-better relationship you’re both going to drag each other through . . . or . . . pass up this chance. Sometime later you both might be able to dump the piles of garbage you call you lives onto some unsuspecting potential spouses.

I don’t know. Maybe for the sake of those unsuspecting, innocent potential spouses, do them a favor and leave their lives alone.

 

[El_White]

No, you are the one who is being a provocateur. They know it’s not in accordance with the Bible to divorce and remarry. They both want to do it. They both are in contact with their exes (likely there are custody agreements and visitation rights that will keep the exes hovering around for decades). It’s a bad scene for any new beau or dam to be invited into.